Wishmaster,

You mention when she is scared - boy, does that resonate! I think one of the biggest drivers of my DH's is FEAR. When I get upset with him sometimes, I stop and think and try to step back and LOOK at what he is saying, what he is doing, and what vibes I'm feeling from him. And ... invariably it is FEAR more than anything else, I think. He won't talk much about what happened, but it was a series of horrific combat type events, apparently. That must have made him feel incredible fear. They say PTSD is a fight or flight response that sticks, in essence. That certainly fits what I see. He is angry, yes, but beneath that layer is fear, I think.

My DH also pushes my buttons when he rages. That is one big reason why I generally leave him alone to simmer down. It won't help matters if I stick around and fight, as we'd be fighting, ultimately, about things which aren't worth fighting about (the Post Office is closed, etc.). The issue I am still working on is how to deal with it effectively when I CANNOT leave him alone, as we are in town shopping, etc.

Setting effective boundaries is a creative challenge, it seems!

Cowgirl