I wanted to highlight this point. As throughout this thread, the language I keep hearing is "bad behavior." Shutting down, shutting out, etc.. is "bad" behavior.

I disagree. It's a coping mechanism. It's not done to hurt anyone. To ignore anyone. In fact it's not done TO anyone. It's simply a way for the sufferer to attempt to cope when the turmoil of their minds are too much to handle any longer.

Is this healthy? Hell no. Not even close unless in very small doses. Is it "bad" or "abusive" behavior? NO. Not in any wild stretch of the imagination. It is a survival coping mechanism that is vital to surviving this cursed disorder. Saying that this is bad or abusive is the same as telling someone in a manic episode that cleaning or making lists is bad. They just shouldn't do it because it hurts your feelings.

Learning new and healthy coping mechanisms takes a long long time. If someone is in the middle of a shutdown coping mechanism, trying to force them out of it is only going to get the door slammed in your face harder. It's not the time or place to address this.

Also putting time limits on this coping mechanism is completely unfair, irresponsible, and ludicrous. Hence why I have quoted She Cat. Her comparison is dead on.

If you, the carer, can not wait till after the sufferers crisis is over (and that is exactly what a shut down is) to discuss better boundaries and learning a more healthy coping skill; then, IMHO, you were not meant for this relationship to begin with.

I see a lot of carers past baggage (previous abuse) being dragged over into dealing with sufferers. Understand something. You are choosing to be with a sufferer. A lot of our coping skills are unhealthy until we learn better. Some never will. 99% of sufferers are NOT abusive. We are simply trying to survive. If you have to have time limits on shutdowns, any type of symptom attacks, then I think you need to rethink being in this relationship in the first place. If you feel this is selfish, rude, uncalled for, abusive, mean , bad behavior, etc... then why are you in this relationship to begin with?

We are sick. We didn't choose this. And most of us are trying to get better.

bec