Rescue fantasies are something I also engaged in from early on. Today I see them as an attempt at self-comforting. Offering myself in my imagination that which was nowhere to be found in reality. And if it were available, yes, I was too ashamed and afraid to ask for it. Indeed, needing anything like that was a punishable offense in my world.
A relative I only ever saw about three times as a kid was once spontaneoulsy kind to me in the aftermath of one of my mother's rages. That was a bewildering experience, but it felt so good at the same time that for years afterwards I fantasized about going to live with her. The cost of those fantasies was enormous feelings of guilt and disloyalty, and fear of discovery. Still, I took what comfort they offered when I most needed to.

When I read posts about rescuing I am always of two minds. I know of course that to literally attempt to save another is futile and unhealthy. But I also know that the world would be a much much worse place if no one were ever willing to extend themselves to another. I think those of us who have been badly hurt are often more attuned to the hurts of others. We actually see things that other may not, and are thus in a position to respond.

The willingness to be available is one of my ways of trying to break the cycle of abuse. Lately I make a conscious effort to be a part of the lives of my niece and nephew, whose parental constellation is complicated and pretty unhealthy. Not that I can fix anything, but I remember and still live with the results of a childhood,and especially an adolescence in which there was literally noone to talk to. No one paying attention as I fell deeper and deepr into trouble. I will not allow that to happend to them, if there is anything in my power to do about it.

And that is of course the conundrum. What is really in my power to do and what is not? What do I actually have to give without ignoring my owm needs or depleting my own still slender resources? At what point am I focussing on others as a way of distracting myself from myself?

I do what I can to stay on the healthy and thus actually helpful side of these questions. But it is important to me to be willing even if not able to help. It is one of the best things I know about myself, that I have a willing and generous heart, able to put me aside for moments at a time and look after someone else. It is what makes me sure that I am a human being after all.