Hey Rachel

Just read your post re: medication and my heart goes out to you. It's a crap-shoot, isn't it...there's so much about the human brain and its workings that remain a mystery.

I'm reminded of my own experiences while reading your words. I, too, have been on the medication merry-go-round (or not!) ... have been taking an antidepressant (Paxil) since 1996; tried another and became violently ill; take occasional sleep meds. Was once advised by a psychiatrist (whom I saw on a one-time-only assessment basis) to take an antipsychotic. No way!!

It's so hard to know, after being on meds for a time, what's intrinsic to you (PTSD) and what's not (side effects) -- i.e., depression and anxiety; rage; attention disorders. I often wonder who/what I would be without the Paxil, which was miraculous in that it curtailed my own rage in a way that nothing else could. That alone has been a gift. Lifelong phobias seemed to simply dissipate. I remember waking up on the 16th day after I started the medication; I felt an absence -- of the weight of depression. I felt like I'd lost 30 pounds.

On the other hand...my own sexual pleasure has all but croaked; I struggle mightily to feel anything; some of my self-harming behaviours seem to have gone "underground" and are more subtle --> smoking; biting at the inside of my mouth until it bleeds, etc.

I've had to weigh the pros and cons...and overall, I am very glad and relieved to be on this medication. I'm willing to live with the downsides and possible long-term consequences.

I know that doing your best to maintain basic health -- eating well, drinking enough water, sleeping, moving/exercising, keeping your mind and environment as calm as possible -- helps you to see more clearly what might be side effects/drug interactions. It might be an idea to keep a daily log or journal of your symptoms and experiences -- track them over time. With that 30-second attention span that you write about (I share this!!), it might be a good idea to keep a small notebook and pen always handy

Keep the lines of communication open with your doctor and any other professionals you deal with.

Breathe...deep and long and gentle. Funny how that one simple act can make such a huge difference.

Wishing you clarity and well-being...

Roo