There's so much in this thread that's sparking recognition in me. Needing to be silent ... the throat-lumps ... the mix of grief and rage that stews for a lifetime ... welling up over commercials and cute teddy bears and babies and new leaves in Spring while becoming numb and narcotic at the thought of crying for your own pain ... total empathy for others and none for yourself. God, it's crazy-making...

I feel like I need to have my psyche cracked open like a coconut to really cry. Often I am taken over in an instant; it's like being hit really hard on the head and I just react. It happened after the funeral visitation for my mother, when only a few close family members were present and the casket was opened. I threw out a sound, doubled over and sobbed while babbling along with my sister about how beautiful our dead mother looked. A few weeks later, I went to my now-husband (we were very new together at the time) and tucked myself into him and let howl -- the whole-body cry. I felt it building up that time.

I remember how lucid and strong I felt during that period after my mother died -- in part because I was feeling so much; the feelings were just coming and going like weather systems. I felt clear inside -- hard to put words to -- clear as in transparent and not weighed down with the usual crap.

Sometimes I just think that I'm reeeally constipated emotionally...

I get such a huge laugh out of the movie Something's Gotta Give. Diane Keaton's character howls her heart out...and under the hilarity, my own heart is hammering at the bars of her cage.

I have witnessed, so many times, tears coursing down the cheeks of loved ones, and I'm ashamed to say that my first reaction is usually a thought, a sort-of question: I don't get it...how can you can cry like that...

I dunno...sometimes I just think I'm missing an ability to weep naturally. Does anyone else feel this?