Hi - I'm new and just trying to feel my way around this multi-faceted forum. I entered a new thread in general chat but just found this introductions section - so howdy from upstate NY - USA.

I was involved in an auto accident about 4.5 yrs ago while driving home from work/daycare with my 10 month old twin babies in the vehicle when I felt an incredible impact and saw water flying everywhere. At first I thought it must have been a puddle on the side of the road but it was in fact the river that had risen very high and was covering the roadway I was in. This was not a flash flood - as I am told the river does this often in this location and while they usually close the road for some reason beyond me they didn't that day even thought the water had been steadily rising throughout the day. My car was swept away in the rushing river and almost immediately submurged. I tried to get to my babies in the back of the vehicle but within moments realized that we were all going to die. I have a very strong Christian faith and while I wasn't afraid to die I needed to be touching my babies when I did. We were completely submerged and in the back seat of a small car and I knew that while I was holding my breath that they wouldn't know to do this and must have been terrified and confused. In the dark water and tumbling vehicle I was unable to put my hands on them or their car seats when I felt my body suddenly urinate - I thought I must have breathed in and be drowning. Instead I found myself popping out on top of the water - somehow I was sucked out of the car with such force that my body had that reaction. My babies and car were found some where around 17 hours later - we lost them.

It took us 11 years to finally have children - my dream had come true and they were awesome people. I now have one daughter - my miracle born almost a year after this accident and my lifesaver for sure. I still don't know how to move on and live without them and feel like everything around me is a trigger to all the horror that I continually live every day (and night) and it seems to get progressively worse. Although I do have some small improvements with lots of major setbacks. life has been hard with one incredibly bright ray of sunshine - my little girl and I need to somehow try to be the great mom (and I was a great mom) for her that I was for my first born twins, she deserves it.

I am currently not on meds but am considering going back on anti-depressant because although they made it impossible for me to release my grief - they somehow supressed my ability to cry - they did help me to be productive. Has anyone had any success with St. John's Wort or other? I ordered the book (the first one) that Anthony recommended the other night just after I signed up for this forum and can't wait to get it to read - read - read. I see my therapist once a week and my physician every few months - both are fantastic and supportive. Hope to get some relief and direction and support and give it as well if possible - God Bless you all.