Cindy I can sure relate to your story.
Even with the things I have learned and the things I have done for the past 4 years, it is still difficult to sort things out sometimes.
To be sure, I have made significant mistakes, and the ones I love the most paid a price. And I am responsible for my actions and my mistakes.
But at the same time, PTSD IS VERY VERY VERY real. This disorder so altered my thinking and my identity, I was not capable of doing things differently than what I did. I'm just gratefull that those days are now behind me.