Thank you sunny - I just don't know where to start in my life. I have been trying for 4.5 years to figure out how to take my next step or my next breath. My little girl (3)keeps me going - she is wonderful. It is still hard to look at her when I think about what the twins (girl/boy - Grae & Brahm) would be like now that they would be 5. I couldn't save them as hard as I tried and I keep imagining what they were thinking in the midst of all that horror in the river. I was right next to them in that car in the water - screaming or something - they knew I was there but I didn't fix it like I did everything else for them in their short 10 months. Not only did they die but they died knowing mommy didn't help them - I hope they know I tried with my life and was going with them if I wasn't sucked out. If they weren't in car seats they would have been sucked out too but I probably would have lost them anyway in that raging river.

Mine is a circumstance that (thankfully) most people can't relate to, but because of that so many friends - close friends - just avoid us because they don't know how to act or what to say. It gets pretty lonely. I was hoping maybe somebody from Katrina or other tragedy would be out there talking.

I'm not thrilled about meds and try to do as much naturally as I can - but I have had a tough year - my hubby was diagnosed with cancer in January, so I am going to the doctor next week to talk about starting an anti-depressant again - maybe one that doesn't stop me from crying like the other. I only found one ever that helped me much but I couldn't cry when I needed to - couldn't even well up a little - no release and that was bad. My husband tried cymbalta - they say it has an uplifting effect - but I tend to be a hyper person normally and wonder if that would be bad for me - will talk to my doc next week.