Hi Everyone,
I'm new here but was diagnosed with PTSD in 1984. Reasons for the diagnosis: violent childhood, Dad always trying to kill himself, raped at 16 by 6 men, Dad completed suicide and my brother followed. I've been in recovery since 1979 and have spent a lot of time in and out of therapy as needed.

The thing is, I still have strong reactions to situations involving people I care for.This also extends into my jobs. I tend to continue to be mistrustful, and I get angry easily. I notice that other people don't fire up like I do and I'm so tired of this happening to me.

At this point I'm afraid to even try to make friends. Eventually I loose these friendships. It's so subtle I hardly notice my reactions to things until after a loss.
I've read some good books, done a lot of therapy..some EMDR.
I've even taught assertivness training and done classes on PTSD and trauma. I don't anymore.

I'm wondering if other folks have experienced this kind of thing...almost 35 years after the traumas happened.
It feels like it's in my bones and I'll never be able to change it.
Right now I'm going through one of these losses and I'm sitting back looking at my reactions/responses. Very unclear about certian things.
So very tired of going through this.
Any good ideas? books? things to try?
thanks,
Leslie