One of my numbing strategies has always been smoking and drinking...god I love it, and I still fall into it...like yesterday!

I did not learn this at home at all. My parents were straight arrows who never drank or smoked. They did not even swear.

I cuss like a sailor when I am away from work, love my ale, stout, wine, tequila, bourbon, whisky, gin, calvados, port...ride my scooter too fast, flirt with women...

My T says I am an adrenaline junkie who likes risks. At the same time I have been "covering" for soooo long that I am smart. Never been caught! I can go weeks or even months with no booze or smokes. Always have a plan B, an alibi, a cover story, an exit route...Perhaps that is the thrill that takes me away from the pain, the memories, the truth and reality. When none of these strategies works, I head to the woods and just hit "reboot".

I would like to say I am past all of these things now that I have been in therapy for three months and on meds...but that would not be true. I think my bipolar and my stubborness and my ego all complicate things.