Cypher,

What happened to you is awful; it shouldn't have happned; it is NOT your fault. I understand the feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame; I have them, too. However, you did NOT deserve this, and nothing you said or did/didn't do makes this abuse any less wrong.

I have a saying that I used when I did presentations at local schools/colleges during my time as a rape crisis counselor. Here it is:

I could walk into a frat. party, in the middle of the night, piss drunk and completely naked, AND NOBODY HAS A RIGHT TO TOUCH ME!

I know how easy it is to obsess over what you should have/could have done, but no matter what, you did not ask for this abuse, and (I can't say this enough), it is NOT your fault. The shame is your abusers' shame; the guilt is their guilt.

That being said, the feelings (of blame and guilt) are normal feelings. When trauma occurs, our minds can't always process it as it should be processed (hence the PTSD). When we place the blame on ourselves, this is a defense mechanism. Think about it: If you think there was something YOU did wrong, then it is easier to say, "Well, if I don't do _____ in the future, I will be safe and free from abuse." This is also why some people try to blame the victim of abuse, as they want to believe that it couldn't happen to them. (Same reasoning: If I don't do _____, then I will be safe.) Unfortunately, that isn't the case. We are all vulnerable as human beings.

I wish you luck on the journey of healing. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Nic