I am here today...not that I really feel like it. Mostly what I would really like to do is sit and cry. Today is Lecie's birthday...yesterday was Hay Hay's.

I miss them so much. A lot of the time I try not to think about it. Because no amount of healing (and I still have a ways to go) will change the fact that my heart feels empty without them.

That is not PTSD. That is just me. I miss my babies. I want to hold them, I want to be able to tell them that I love them. I want to watch them grow and play and listen to them argue.

I have been told that it will get easier, that it will hurt less in time. That isn't really true. More like you just sort of get used to it. And it becomes part of you.

I can't believe it has been eight years...eight years since I held their little hands and hugged them and told them I love you. Eight years since I held them and told them goodbye. It feels like hundreds...an eternity and at the same time the blink of an eye.