I have just started seeing a therapist. I can no longer seem to control my anger, depression and my panic attacks are becoming more and more frequent. I can no longer do my job due to both my mental state and my physical abilities getting worse as time goes by due to a stabbing 14 years ago that resulted in emergence heart surgery, and a mugging 20 years ago resulting in my face being smashed in with the butt of a pistol.

Be a man suck it up attitude I was raised with. has led to nothing but drinking and self destruction. Now after years of self medicating I've done even more damage to my heart and brain. My heart is no longer pumping adequately for my body to get enough oxygen from both the trauma and the alcohol abuse.

I've lost my job can't pay my bills and get treated like s#%t by the disability
people even though my therapist and my doctors say I'm absolutely one of the most deserving people they have seen.

I no longer enjoy anything. I'm a musician and have been all my life. I've traveled all over the country playing music for the past 25 years of my life as well. I can no longer do it either both due to not being physically able to perform at energetic level my music need. Nor deal with the people at the shows who want to meet and talk to me. I feel terrible they pay to see the band and I probably seem like a stuck up ass because I can't talk to anyone.
But social security won't let me play anyway. And my memory has been pretty bad. No fun forgetting a song up on stage.

All this has got me so wound up in depression I finally looked for help. I can no longer live this way. I've destroyed nearly all my relationships and everything i've worked at.