Ya know, looking/thinking back on some of these things, I was a complete idiot, but at the same time she was my mom, I wanted to help her so bad, it hurt to see her passing out and throwing up all over the place, checking their pulses afterward to see if they were alive and cleaning up after them. I hated seeing her drugged up and drunk. But I knew my place was much safer/better then where they had been, the street, where drugs/sex/alcohol/danger amoung other things is abundent. They were safe staying with me (excluding the drugs and alcohol) which I provided needles for so they wouldnt pass any kind of disease. After a few weeks, I relized I was the one who was not safe, and I should have said something, you're right, I didnt have the confidence, or what to expect when i asked them. (would it get worse, would they leave, if it got worse, call police, tell someone) With providing those needles the first time, they came to expect it the next time, and grew physical when I did not bring them any.


I'm hoping to do this, I always seem to learn the hard way in life . I would love to think none of this was my fault, but it is. I would like to think at my age (and with all my wisdom and understanding of the world around me) I would have known much better, but it goes back to my mom and wanting to help. I really hated seeing her like that!! I think ive learned alot the past few months, not only about myself but about others too. I got a long way to go though.

Quote:

IMPORTANT: They both own their behaviour of drug use... you own nothing of their use. You own enabling their behaviour of taking drugs in your home by buying them needles, that is all you own. Accept that, not the drug use; unless you willingly took drugs yourself, not by force.

I have never done drugs before (willingly), I've drank alot lately (thats an understatement) I was drugged however unwillingly at times by them, coming too raped, beaten, bloody. I do own the use of some of the drugs used by them from the needles I got them (some they smoked, some inhaled some by mouth...) I see 2 (or 3) parts to this--

1- they shared needles, that scared me, i dont know if they did that on the street too, but if they were going to do a drug that required needles in my place, it was going to be with a clean, sterile needle for their saftey and protection.
2- I did not like them doing this in my place, I did not like seeing them doing this in my place, I was aginst this. I did approach them about it, but did not take up any kind of if..... then..... statement to them. I guess I was somewhat intimidated by them and did not take a good stand, looking back I should have had more confidence in myself or gotten help elsewhere. I called some drug help places in my area and tried to get them to go, but no cigar.
(3) I do recognize that it was me and the needles, that was all on me. I got them one package one time and then they expected it from me and when I failed to deliver, things got bad. So that made me get them more out of fear, again, I should have done something, gotten help.

This is good advice, I should make a list (kinda like what you showed me earlier) to distinguish.


You read people well Anthony, I do have a low self esteem. Maybe thats why at first they behaved ok, then got worse quickly??? because they learned my behavior over the weeks and saw someone who lacked confidence in myself, insecure, not valued. I dont know why, it's just always been like this.


I DID NOT ask to be tied down and have a huge spider put on me and crawl in (i cant go any further with that). I was terrified of them in the first place and for this to happen, I dont know what to do, how to act, or what to think, how to heal mentally from this. Even today at work there was a little one and i freaked out and thought one was on me, in my mouth. I didnt ask for cigarettes to be put out on the bottom of my feet, and on my arm in the shape of swastikas (2 of them). I didnt ask to be raped and strangled and left for dead in the woods (after them forcing their way back in after the hotel, and the major guilt trip, definetly should have done something) or anything else that happened. But had I mentioned this to someone, poilce, coworker, anyone, It may very well have been prevented.

It all goes back to my mom I believe. I love her regardless of what path shes chosen in life. I didnt want them back on the street, when I knew they would be safe and warm and fed at my place, away from the strains of street life. (which I know absolutely nothing about, i'm very fourtanate to have the things that i do, a great job, awesome people that i work with that are putting up with alot of the things that go along with ptsd, great family (adoptive), food to eat, a roof over my head, my health, (well, nothing too serious or life threatening. got away with a fractured larynx and other stuff when they were there, but overall good health for now, getting better every day, some setbacks but...) yeah, they definetly took advantage of me, and for the umpteenth time should have done something and I now have even less self esteem, less respect for myself, I started to believe the verbals they threw at me. I feel useless and hopeless, despite the things I have, I still feel this way, which is wrong in my opinion.