I've struggled with PTSD for most of my life, though I never realized it until 2 years ago. My traumas include being molested at ages 6 and 10, raped at ages 12 and 14, mental abuse from my drunken stepfather and neglect from my mother. That's way over-simplifying it, and there was much, much more, but it gives an idea of some of the stuff I had to deal with.

When my mother found out that my stepbrother molested me (because my stepfather read it in my diary), I was made to feel like it was my fault. When I tried to tell her that I was raped when I was 12 (I didn't tell her until 5 years later), she didn't believe me. She should have left her drunken husband so many times, but kept taking him back, even after he beat her. I was terrified of him. I was also the only one who escaped being hit, probably because I always kept my distance, but I knew it could happen at any time.

Many of my teen years are a blur of drugs and alcohol. Anything to make me numb and/or happy, even if just for a little while.

I left "home" when I was 16. I moved to San Francisco and landed a very good job at the Pacific Stock Exchange. That's where I met my husband, 20 years ago. After 3 years, I had to quit the job, as the stress was making me sick.

Now, my husband and I have 3 wonderful children. It wasn't until they started reaching the age I was, when some of the bad stuff happened to me, that I began to realize how innocent I was at the time. Until then, I had always blamed myself. I figured that I must have brought it all upon myself, somehow.

I don't blame myself for everything, anymore, so the guilt issue isn't as bad, but the guilt was replaced by anger. Anger towards all of the people who hurt me, but mostly toward my mother. She never did anything to protect me. On the contrary, she invited those awful people into my life. I know that the anger only hurts me, but that doesn't make it go away.

I'm trying so hard to deal with the present, but the past overwhelms my mind. As if the PTSD wasn't enough, today I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.

When I was in counselling, I was told that I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor. I feel more like a casualty.

Thanks for reading,
Moonshadow