cyper,
I too have learned the hard way all of my life. However, as long as you learned than something has been accomplished. Even if you take a step backwards think about it and move forwards again.
When I was searching for a (real mom), I went to some of my moms friends whom I seemed to admire when I was little. They downright out told me " I already raised my children". I didn't really push the mom issue just told them about my search. They were not kind to me. I have helped many older ones in the past just to be taken advantage of.

When my mom died, I had my own funeral service on my porch for 3 days. I played every sad song I could find. I played them over and over again till my husband and friends could not take it anymore. I lived on the porch got drunk and cried and cried. I had brought all the funeral flowers to my home and placed them on the porch. After 3 days my friends came over and removed them.

There is a 50's song that I loved the most called " I can never go home anymore". I had told my husband I didn't know if I was crying for the loss of my mother or the hope she would not be here to change and be a real mother to me. Than BINGO that was it, she would not be around for her to change.
There was another song by Garth Brooks called "The last dance" that I played over and over again. It was my first and only dance I had with my mom a few years before she died. We were at a bar and danced. My step-father was there and faked a heartattack because he was not getting the attention at that moment. The EMS came and he ran out the back door.

Than my mom decided to date my uncle that abused me. That was it, I didn't talk to her for a long time. I called her a few months before she died and was grateful so I didn't feel terrible when she died of not talking to her. I tried to help her out, she too was a drug addict and alcoholic. She didn't see she had a problem so I knew it wasn't up to me to try and fix her. She killed my dad and again I was there for her but it didn't matter. The more I tried the more emotional abuse she did to me. She tried to tell me never to go back to church because God would never forgive me for the things I did in my life. She went! Dah! She killed my father and thought God forgave her but would not me.

I now have a deeper belief in God and am happy that I can see for myself in the Bible how forgiving he really is, if we change our bad ways. Many people in the Bible did bad too but God forgave them. Those type of scriptures she left out when trying to prove her points.
sunnydaze