I have been doing alot of reading about PTSD and others people situations and the pain, anger and humility seem to have been me!

I recently had a hospital stay due to my reactions to yet another trauma. Once I came around and stopped fighting it I began to open up and started talking to one of the nurses. After about 10 stories from my past she commented that if I were to write a book absolutely no one would believe that I was telling the truth. I am so desperate to begin to live and the healing I have no idea where to start but here goes.....

I met my husband about 10 years ago and I thought I had met the most wonderfuly kind human being. We began living our life together as a couple and we commited to living our life as husband and wife. We had set a date to be married but he called it off and we both agreed we didn't need a piece of paper be "married". I met his family and they were so wonderful especially his dad. I never really exactly had a male role model and I automically felt a bond and a trust with his dad. J (my husband) was in sales over 13 states on the east coast so he would be home for a couple of days then he would be gone for up to 2 weeks at a time. My father in law asked J if he could take me to the casino with him and we did he made me feel so special as I am from a very small town and grew up in an extremely disfunctional family (another nightmare). He took me to eat to a really nice restaurant and really doted on me. I remember having dinner and then thats it. I wake up the next morning feeling foggier than I have felt in my life.

About 2 years go by and I grew an increasing uneasy feeling whenever I was around his father but J said he just wanted everyone to get along so I buried this uneasiness and kept going. I was kind, sweet and nice to his dad and for some reason grew alot of anger towards J. I lashed out him sometimes for no reason at all. Then the flashes, anxiety and severe depression started. I was to the point that I was ready to leave my husband and just dissapear. I could barely get out of bed much less do anythind else. J called and made an appointment for me with my family doctor in which he literally forced me to go.

I was diagnosed with severe depression and prescribed meds. I went to her weekly and I began to trust her and I opened up and told her about these flashes and exteme uneasiness that I kept having. She asked me if there could be a possibility that i had been drugged and raped. I was so dumb founded and angry. I comfronted his dad and he said he didn't do anything that I did not want. If I told J then he would tell him we were having an affair.....I believed him and kept my mouth closed. I started lying to J about stupid little things even things like how much I spent at the grocery store.

I am sorry but I can't keep going at this time perhaps later.