It's been 8 months since a motorcycle accident where I suffered from a Left Frontal Contusion, and a Right Rear Sub-Arachnid Hemotoma,(two brain injuries) and broken ribs, torn shoulder ligament, nerve damage to my leg and ruptured lung, had to be revived on scene and spent a while in the hospital

The first couple of months following the trauma, I was fine. Everything was ok. I was gonna live, and I was like Polyanna. Just happy to be here...But:

For the past 5 months I've been chronically crying daily, and weekly inconsolably crying, depressed and living with chronic anxiety. The doctors released me with a stamp of "excellent recovery" after 3 months, and a few weeks later started noticing those symptoms and they have become increasingly worse since. Not better. I thought "this too shall pass" and I was wrong. Some times it is so bad, I just want to lay down, sleep and never wake up. That's a very scary thought... I've started seeing two psychotherapists per week in the past month to try to figure out what is going on. One Psychoanalytical and one Behavioral / Cognitive.

The depression and anxiety are... amazing. I wake up in it, I live in it, I go to sleep in it. I can't stand mornings. My mind is going before I even wakeup, and I can't sleep well. I literally wake up in a state of panic and anxiety. I can't work, manage my relationships, or do much of anything. My sense of reality is off. I'm paranoid, scared, sad all the time. I think that the people that love me, really don't. I think that I'm ruining everything all the time. I don't think I can "do it" whatever it may be(activity, social interaction etc..) I hate this and I can't talk myself out of it. It's real in that moment. So real it's really scary, like schizophrenic scary.

I don't know how to handle this. I was never like this before. I'm not a crier, I'm not out of control emotionally, I'm a fighter, I am a doer, I am proactive and ... not anymore. I'm constantly fighting with the image of my old self, superimposed on the image of myself now. It's like this monster in me was born in the accident and she's got control over me. Did she exist before and was hidden and the trauma has now given her power? I hope so, otherwise I'm crazy and there is no help.

I'm scared.I feel that this has beaten me. Is this TBI or PTSD or both? The TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) doctors say it's definitely Post Trauma and prescribed me Zoloft, which I refuse to take. They say it's good for PTSD and Anxiety. What about fixing this without drugs? Is that possible?

Do I just need talk therapy? Do I need meds? I HATE the thought of taking anti-depressants. I hate the thought of drugs at all. I refused to take pain meds in the hospital. Ok, yes, that's a bit extreme, I know, but it's true and I spent the next two days in intense pain, but after that, my body's endorphines took over and fought the pain and sped the healing. I'm a firm believer in the bodies ability to heal and manage it's levels. UNTIL NOW. Is the brain so different?

I'm constantly asking myself: "What is wrong with me? How do I fix this?"

So I thought I'd just dive in with my introduction. Thank you for reading this. I hope there is some sort of help for me. I'm scared.