Hi Awakening, First I want to say this based on some of the communications I've had with you. You need to take a long leave of absence if you can, so you have more time to work on yourself. This has to be done so find a way to do it.

When I was working I was so miserable and wanted to commit suicide 24/7 and told my doctor this feeling was related to working. Instead of him telling me to quit my job and work on myself, he told me to get electric shock therapy. I said "NO" and he quit giving me my meds and told me we have come to an impasse.

I left that doctor, got another one, then had a nervous breakdown. I quit my job, worked on myself more, and now I'm free of suicidal thoughts. A huge monkey of my back! I'm sure glad I didn't have that electric shock therapy because I healed myself of suicidal thoughts on MY OWN. Now if I went back to work full time I can almost bet they would creep back in because I'm not ready to work. I still have some things inside myself that need to be dealt with.

If only I would have quit my job when I told my doctor and everyone around me I couldn't handle it. I didn't listen to my internal instinct that was telling me I just couldn't handle it anymore. Just Quit!

As far as the molestation goes. I just admitted to myself I was molested even though I have no direct memory of who did it. I do believe it was my uncle and even if I find out the truth that it was in fact him there is no reason for me to confront him.

What benefit would that be for me? He would deny it and get angry. He won't apologize and tell me how sorry he is. I don't care because anything I say to him will not make a difference in how I handle myself today. I accepted it and I'm moving on. Maybe at some point I will remember more and I'm sure it will be disturbing, but I will work this out within myself and maybe ask my T for some help? Not sure? But from what I remember, which isn't a whole lot it's water under the bridge and it will not define who I am and neither will the rape that took place.

I still have flash backs, anxiety, and on rare occasions I have nightmares, but that is part of the process and I believe whole heartedly I will get healthy as long as I continue to work on this illness. If you believe this about yourself, and let go of that crap, you will get better too. But first, stop staying stuck in things you clearly can not handle right now. Take a long break and work on yourself only!

Take care
Tammy