You have quite a bit of trauma that you're coping with - that much is clear. I can relate your current suffering so much. Even though I don't consider my story quite as dramatic as yours, I too am starting to try and unravel everything that has happened to me.

What has helped me the most so far has been reaching out to others like myself. Like you're doing on this board. Keep reaching out.

I'm still struggling with the ability to "speak my truth". My whole body aches to hide it, deny it and minimize it.

I had a total collapse about a year ago - physical, emotional and mental - I think in the old days they might have called it "nervous breakdown". My thyroid had nearly stopped functioning altogether. That was my lowest point and my highest becasue it forced me to look at myself - I mean really look.

I got hormonal treatment (steroids and thyroid meds) from a doctor over the phone/internet because I'm so fearful of authority figures (doctors). I changed my diet based on tons of research I did on the internet. I gave up 37 years of smoking, drinking and caffeine.

Eventually my body started to feel better and I started to tackle my mind/spirit. Just a few months ago, I found an ACOA group (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and they have been my lifeline. It is like the siblings I never had.

This twelve step program has forced me re-think certain things in my life that have always been issues - a sense of safety in the world, a sense of peace and a sense of faith. These are things I never cultivated as a child. An ACOA kid cultivates a different set of characteristics based on the need to control his or her environment in order to make it a safer/saner place to be. We learn shut out any possibility of Divine intervention because we felt that God never rescued us when we needed it. We felt abandoned and betrayed by God and ultimately stopped considering him/her/it as having any relevance to our lives. We essentially became our own "gods" and extremely capable ones at that!

I am still working on these things and I have to re-remember every day that I'm working on these things - "one day a time" because I tend to want to forget about it and go "unconscious" again. When I go unconscious I don't do myself or anyone else any good at all. That's where my misery is.

I hope that we can both find some of that illusive peace on these boards. I have seen a twinkle of light now and I know it's there for us. You are not alone.

moonmaiden