Bull-Dog,

Sounds like we *both* came here looking for insight. I cannot make the evil go away, but we share similar experiences.

Haven't worked the road in many years, but as a 9-1-1 dispatcher, I literally get to see it all - we have about 200 closed circuit TV cameras all over the freeways, with a huge (10' x 12') screen in front of the room. Shootings, crashes, carnage and mayhem are standard fare around Detroit. With me, it's like a train wreck - can't take my eyes off the action, even when I know I'm going to see something potentially gruesome. Adrenaline swings from low to high and back again, especially during critical incidents.

Went to the Department's counselor once - he told me to consider another line of work.... big help that was Still have trouble sleeping almost every night to some degree - weird dreams and dark thoughts invade without notice. Withdrawn from my wife, wind up sleeping on the couch many nights..... it goes on and on.

I don't drink much, thank goodness, but smoke like a chimney. I rationalize it by telling myself I'm more likely to be car-jacked or killed in a freeway crash by some dirt-bag with no insurance than by cigarettes, but that's probably a stretch.

Took an entire summer off - doctor's orders - after my MD noticed a slight spike in blood pressure. Long-term disability claim required me to see one of "their" psychiatrists.... he told me I wouldn't be ready for "combat" again for at least six months - hence the time off. Would love to get into another line of work, but would miss my law enforcement "family" terribly. I feel trapped in a weird way - seemingly unable to extricate myself from the whole scenario. Aren't the good guys supposed to be invincible ?

All this is a long-winded way of saying - "I'm with you, bro". Feel free to contact me if you need someone to yak at.

JB