First, YOU did not cause the PTSD. YOU do not control whether or not he blows up. You know that, but sometimes we need a reminder.

He blows up at you because it is safe to do so. In the outside world, horrible consequences follow bad PTSD actions. At home, where he is loved and safe, he can vent. And he doesn't leash it in because he doesn't have the energy to leash it in 24-7-365. You are home, and so you become a target. YOU are not the cause, the reason for the outbursts. You are on the receiving end because you happen to be there with him, and he does it at home because that is the only safe place to do so.

My DH would blow up at me, SCREAMING, because the Post Office was closed. He would scream that he was leaving me, he would get so upset. No, I am not the Post Office Goddess, in control of all things postal. It was not my fault that the Post Office does not have longer, more convenient hours. I was just there, someone to vent at. I was no more the cause of his blow up than, in truth, the Post Office being closed was the cause. The cause was MUCH deeper.

It is not personal. That is a key to remember. It is often very difficult NOT to take the yelling and the anger personal, and I think we all do sometimes, even when we intellectually understand that it is NOT all about US. Yes, he may use words like "bitch" in our direction, aimed at us, but even still, it isn't REALLY about us. Perhaps we should all make little plaques and hang them around our homes as a reminder "IT IS NOT PERSONAL."

So, then, how does one deal with it? Set boundaries. Take care of yourself. If he starts yelling at you and saying nasty things, LEAVE - go to the store, to the library, to a friend's home. Let him have time to vent alone, all by himself. Do so consistently. If he starts to launch, you can, after a while, try asking him not to vent at you. If he does again, leave again. Do so even if it is 10 pm, or 5 am. I keep a list in my purse of 24-hour stores within a 20 mile radius just for this purpose. Be completely consistent in always leaving when he starts irrationally yelling at you.

Make it clear that you love him. But be firm in setting boundaries for your own mental health. He may fear abandonment when you first start leaving. Reinforce that you love him, but be firm in your boundaries. You are a good, worthy person and you do not deserve to be called "bitch" or to be screamed at, etc.

You may be surprised in how his behavior changes. It has helped with my DH. Consistency pays off.

Buy him a punching bag and boxing gloves and encourage him to vent in a healthy manner while getting some healthy exercise. Tell him that when he is furious, you can accept that he needs to get it out, and he should pound the punching bag out in the garage, but if he screams at you, you're going shopping.

And don't neglect having a life. Be sure to keep up with your friends and don't neglect friendships because you are a carer. Don't let being a carer be so all-consuming that you forget to live. Pursue what you enjoy. Do you have hobbies or passions that you have let fall idle while you have been preoccupied with being a a carer? Get back involved! Is there something you always wanted to do or learn? Do it! You'll feel much better about yourself, and you'll be surprised how that affects all other aspects of your life, including your relationship with your DH.

It helps.

Cowgirl