The hardest words I have ever written are going to be these. I have visited the site for about two months now, looking for help. Great information here but still feel isolated. Sorry if I ramble here or my thoughts are disjointed. I will also try to reign in my anger/hostility. It is not directed at anyone here obviously.

I am or was (not sure how to describe my former career or is it current career) a police officer in Canada with 22 years of service with my department. Typical career really, one shooting where I was directly involved and two where I was a back-up officer. Numerous tragic MVA's with death or serious injuries involved. Involved in over a dozen crashes during high speed pursuits resulting in 10 trips to the hospital for injuries. Have lost 2 good friends in the line of duty. Did my time in everything from traffic to undercover narcotics.

Diagnosed with PTSD in 2005 when I went off work as the world finally came crashing down around me. My Dr says that I have had PTSD since the early to mid 90's but like most police officers just plugged along in silence while emptying a great many bottles of beer and rye and wrecking personal relationships along the way. PTSD stems around the shooting and two of the car crashes during pursuits. When the incidents occured, no de-briefs no nothing. Just get back into the saddle again and do your job....or quit if you can't handle it. Even now, our HR department is probably the worst to deal with. Have had to hire lawyers to help me with my claim for benefits. You would think at least the HR staff would have a modicum of respect or compassion for their fellow man but I have yet to see it.

I exhibit the typical symptoms such as nightmares, night terrors, flashbacks, depression, suicidal ideation, anger, anxiety, panic attacks, avoidance, foreshortened furture etc etc etc.

I have pushed away most of my family but I am working hard to hang on to my girlfriend who tries to be supportive. I feel badly for her and my family as they try but they are not sure how to help me.

I have been off work since late 2005 and have been completely ostracized from work. They cut off my pay, I went on disibility, had to declare bankruptcy, lost my house, etc etc. Went through all the bullshit with being diagnosed (by their doctors) and am now starting to receive benefits from WSIB (Jan 08). Had one Dr suggest that it was my fault because I didn't seek treatment in a timely fashion!! Finally everyone is in agreement that I have PTSD!!! Is the system as screwed up everywhere just as it is here?

When I was at work, it was okay to drink, show up hung over etc as long as you did your job. Nobody wants to acknowledge the problems that officers face. During meetings with the Brass and HR with my laywers I have indicated that we do a poor job of helping people cope mentally. Now that I know what to look for, I see/know numerous officers exhibiting PTSD signs. Nobody including those officers want anything to do with ackowledging problems. I understand, as I didn't/don't want the stigma attached either. Most of the time I feel that being diagnosed with PTSD was the worst thing that happened to me. I know, how srewed up is that! At least I have the drinking under control now.

I only have 1 friend from work that I still see. He has been a great friend but how much can you put on one person's shoulders? Hate bothering him with my on-going soap opera saga but what do you do.

They have put me on different types of drugs with all having bad side effects and after my last evaluation (a month ago) by their Drs, they now want to start me on Effexor at 37.5mg/day working up to 75mg/day. Anyone know anything about this drug and the side effects? Feel like a freaking guinea pig!

Well, that's it for now. Drained just righting this part. Good luck to everyone here.