well, since 2003, I've treated every man in my life like **** buddies. Never allowed into my home, shit not even allowed into my world. I didn't get mentally close, and I didn't reveal anything about myself that could be used as ammo later.. Basicly, I called when the physical need was there. All were kept at a distance and if they even acted attached I'd treat em like complete dog shit until they didn't want to call me ever again. I've publicly insulted their competence, intelligence, the whole nine. Perfectly nice guys, I'm sure.... but it turned out I liked verbally and mentally abusing what I saw as weak, undisciplined, underclassed..
I am pretty tough on the people around me. Outside of my home, I am pretty unapproachable. I have a 5 foot rule, if you are closer than 5 ft, you will have problems. People say I look mean, or serious, and at work, I'm pretty quick to point out others' faults, mistakes, short comings. Not only will I lay you under the bus, I'd drive it. Huge bitch. But then I get home to my children and turn into the biggest teddybear.
My live in boyfriend for a year now, is another story. Lately I've been irritated with him like he's just taking up my space. Everything he does or says I deem stupid, illogical, la la landish... In my episodes, I've kicked him out several times now, and he still won't leave. He talks to me out of ending our relationship when I'm not so desperate and passionate to reclaim my life and space. Great guy, great with my kids, but sometimes I want rid of him to have one less part of my life to focus on. In a lot of ways, I've become dettached and I really can't fault him because my PTSD warps my perception sometimes.
Not so proud, but done.