Cypher, this reminded me of something that I did, twice in my elem. school yrs.


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At about 9 or 10 yrs. old, once I went out into the thick of woods nearby home, dressed only in shorts and short sleeve (decided it's best that I take off the top for greatest exposure to mosquitos and ease), and forced myself to sit still while blood sucking mosquitos attacked me.

The other time, and just inside my yard, there I sat, pulled up the back of my shirt for as long as I could, and let the mosquitos bite.

My thinking then: One way, or another I will find myself help, up and out, even if it meant ...in my distressed and childlike thought... creating a physical need that might perhaps put me in the hands of a helping professional. I was successful then in my aim of withstanding the pain and achieving many bites, but failed miserably then in that indirect and manipulative approach. Though I later complained of my many bites, I couldn't even get my mother to show much, if any concern. And, besides I might've known then, that I was already in the mind-set & condition, that had I been, in front of a helping professional, I'd freeze up, shut my mouth and not utter a word of those disasterous ongoing living conditions, isolation and varied abuses at home.

I worked then with what I knew and understood in desperation. Mine was manipulative then, hence considered bad from a perspective of indifference, or one of ignorance. From today's perspective, my then desperate cry for help, though faulty & ineffective, was nothing more than a manifestation of my terror that I would die, if left unaided, to remain existing (while already ill and internally threatened) in those continuing neglectful and abusive world and conditions.

This has got me thinking. Though, I wanna write that then, I had many invisible wounds, that I then felt I must make visible in order to survive, I also recognize that all those wounds were not invisible. Just a general thought of question here: Why and how on earth were/are children allowed to visibly suffer trauma(s), abuses, as well as, illness and not receive the intervention and help that they so desperately need?
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Cypher.........take care, please as will I too, to always do my best.