I've known for years that I have PTSD. Like so many others my standard coping method has been avoidance. There have been numerous times over the years when I attempted to work through my past traumas but inevitably the "gets worse before it gets better" part would be my downfall. I would stop because I couldn't handle feeling worse than I already did. I would bury my feelings, stuff them away, avoid thinking about it and hope that the thoughts, feelings, terror, flashbacks, etc. wouldn't return again. Of course it always returns.

I think I finally truly believe that my past traumas have an effect on how I perceive the world around me and how I interact with people. I believe it but don't generally recognize it...how would I? My way of dealing with things is the only way I've ever known. The way I over react to things, the things that I'm scared of, the things that I avoid are all normal to me. It's only when things feel completely out of control that I consider I might not be handling things the best way possible and my "normal" has been shaped by my past experiences (as is true for everyone) but ...oh, I'm not making much sense, never mind.

I was molested as a child. Raped as a young adult. These are my traumas. I've never truly dealt with them. I'm now married (currently separated) and have a 3-year-old daughter but my past still disrupts my present. I know that I need to work through my past traumas. I want to reach a point in my life where they don't effect me. It's only been very recently that I've been introduced to the idea that PTSD is forever. The idea that I can only learn to better deal with it is both frightening and frustrating. I'm realizing that there is no way to get better without first getting worse but that terrifies me. A lot of the time I feel like I'm barely capable of caring for myself and my daughter. Many days I think/feel like I'm not being a good enough mother. I can't afford to get worse. Aside from being terrified about what might happen to me, I am my daughter's only caregiver. I have to be able to take care of her.

It's only been in the past year that I've recognized that I dissociate. That scares me. Sometimes I feel like I'm scared of everything. I'm absolutely horrible at labeling my emotions. I know when I feel crappy but most of the time can't explain it. When I feel crappy I get overwhelmed and tend to shut down completely. This only makes me feel worse...you see where I'm going with this...vicious cycle.

I recently began working with a therapist who has an extensive background working with trauma patients. He told me that the first step towards being ready to deal with my PTSD is becoming as educated as possible about PTSD. Hence I find myself on this site. I've tried reading as much as I can on this site but so much of it makes me just cry. I think the more I read the more scared I get of trying to work on all of this and I finally decided if I didn't just register and start writing something I would probably chicken out. I don't feel like I've said much of anything in this post but then I don't really know where to start. I'm hoping that just by having posted something it will be easier to post again and perhaps begin to find my voice to talk about the things I've never been able to before.