My mother lives in constant state of denial. She wants to have a nice happy family - probably like the Waltons tv show.

She won't challenge my brother about his behaviour cos she's afraid he'll stop her from seeing her grandkids. I don't want to get the blame if that were to happen, so I don't push it. I know that I can't be held responsible for other people's actions - but bloody hell - I was for the first 18 years of my life and it's damn hard to break out of it.

I have discussed the whole family visiting thing and the talking to mum thing at great length with my last counsellor. After trying my mum out with some of the less scary stuff (just your standard violence), I realised that there was no point in going any further. I settled for her not putting pressure on me to visit so often, and she doesn't tell my brother when I'm coming - he can't bear me visiting my parents without him being there, so he comes over the moment he knows I'm around.

The silly thing is, my mum lies to him, saying that I dropped by unannounced (something that he does all the time and invites himself and his wife to dinner, where mum fusses round them to keep him happy). What I would really love to say would be "actually, it's been planned for weeks, cos I have to prepare myself in case I have to put up with being in your presence - you disgust me and make me want to vomit you psycho bastard etc". At which point I might have to run like hell, prepare myself for a beating or something equally unpleasant.

My brain says I'm a fool and I should just cut my losses. My heart says different. Why should I lose contact with my parents because my brother's a psycho? Surely he would then win? but then maybe it's not about winning....

I frequently tie myself in knots over this whole thing - like my other problems aren't hard enough to deal with!!!