I can't even bring myself to tell my therapist the details of my rapes, they are the most embarrassing, humiliating parts of my life. After high school I moved up to northern CA to attend UC Davis. Within a week of living there I was kicked out of the dorms for my roommates calling the cops on me for cocaine possession. I wasn't charged, but I did leave the dorms and a huge mish-mash of troubles surfaced with my parents as I didn't tell them but they eventually found out that I was living on the living room floor of an apartment with 4 random college students (weird asian guys I had nothing in common with). After my mother attempted to rescue me from being stuck in a shitty place, which I refused to leave because I thought I could make it (wrong), I got involved with a bunch of town losers. In October of 2006 I went to a halloween party, had one drink, had 5 guys hold me down as one shoved a white round pill (I still don't know what it was) into my mouth and then I proceeded to feel faint. I remember pushing one guy off of me, and as I fell unconscious I could see images of different guys' faces as they were on top of me. The next morning I was sick to my stomach, I was at a random apartment, wearing nothing. I got dressed in my blue t-shirt and mini skirt, grabbed my heels, and walked home at least 3 miles at about 6 in the morning. It was cold and I thought nothing of what had happened, I thought I was asking for it. Sometimes I still do. I went about my business that week, again, I thought that it was my fault, so I drank my guilt away. A week later I went to a party with a couple friends, walked home completely plastered and didn't know that I was being followed home. I walked into my apartment, the man followed me in and I was confused, I lied down to sleep, and I was raped again. A couple friends of mine walked into my apartment, saw this going on, and did nothing about it. The next day no one said anything about it to me, and I checked my facebook and it turns out that this guy that raped me asked to be my facebook friend. I threw up. That night I had the most blocked memories, I just vaguely remember it now because I was so disturbed I had tried to completely block it out, subconsciously. After these ordeals I became heavily involved with shooting IV heroin and speedballs, I OD'd several times, lost all of my friends, and my mom finally came and got me and brought me to rehab in laguna beach last year. I still don't know how many men raped me the first night, I can recall 3 but there were more in the room. I have such extreme disgust and hatred for men, I have an extreme fear of abandonment, and I am constantly depressed. I have been diagnosed as PTSD, bipolar, depressed, borderline, and god knows what else. It amazes me how human beings can treat each other.