Well I joined this forum almost a year ago, only to come full circle and discover I actually don't have PTSD.

I saw the psychiatrist for the second time and he has ruled out PTSD or any other mental illness aside from depression and anxiety.

I won't get the full write up until I meet with my GP next week.

It's an incredible relief, and I've come along way. It seems for me, when I joined the forum not only did I come to the 'party' with some past trauma (SA at 6 and 18 that I had never discussed), I also came along with multiple stressful events over a relatively short period (I won't list them all now).

I also had a traumatic event immediately before joining the forum, which due to the nature of event had ongoing mini-events; police, stalking, threats etc.

So what seems more likely now is that what I have been suffering is post traumatic stress, but not the disorder. Possibly Acute Stress Disorder at the time, but not PTSD.

Throughout my time here I've gone through so many stages, times where I was utterly convinced I had PTSD, times I was utterly convinced I didn't, and times I was convinced I had DID, Bipolar, Borderline!! I was incredibly confused & lost.

I guess I related alot to everyone here (and I think the members related to some of what I posted) because aspects of PTSD can be very similiar to PTS & ASD, except unfortunately PTSD is permanent, so whilst I feel some relief for myself, I do feel an incredible amount of empathy for those suffering PTSD. But equally I feel hopeful for all of us that we will find a peaceful way of living, no doubt the road is harder and longer for some of us.

The biggest thing I've learnt from this? Probably Be Your Own Advocate. Keep probing and asking questions and pushing yourself along as much as pushing other people to get to the bottom of it all. Keep fighting for your well earned right to a peaceful well lived life. The stress and the fear kept me far too inactive and too indecisive for too long.

The second thing, and one I've been working on for 6 months but something I've really been nailing in the past 6 weeks is talking about every minor and major detail of every traumatic and stressful event without hesitation.

Anthony bangs on about 'talking about your trauma' but damn it he is right. I think it applies to any therapy - talk about everything as openly and honestly as you can each and every time. It's worth it. Hard, bloody hard, but worth it. I've wasted more time & money then was necessary. If you come away time and time again from a session feeling frustrated, not seeing a change after some time then you have to ask yourself some hard questions.

I've also learnt for myself that there are no certainties in life, that my black & white thinking (a personality trait rather then a sign of PTSD) feeds my anxiety, and that letting go of control and reducing my vigiliance is frightening initially but ultimately liberating. And something I will be working on for the rest of my life, as it's simply my nature to try and control my environment.

Talking about trying to control everything. Some of you may be aware that 3 years ago I was diagnosed with an endocrine disorder that amongst other things effects my fertility. I did every test, monitoring, taking folic acid, timing etc and couldn't fall pregnant. I did eventually but unfortunately had a miscarriage at 10 weeks (that was over 2 years ago now).

So obviously with everything going on for me mentally any thought of having a family was put on the back burner.

Imagine my (and my husbands) surprise to discover that I'm pregnant. I did a test a week ago, and the doctor confirmed it yesterday. I'm only 7 weeks, and naturally nervous because of the first one, but trying to keep the anxiety low and the positivity high.

Getting the 'no PTSD' diagnosis as you can imagine was even a further relief with the possibility of bringing a child into the world.

But I still have alot of work to do, and like I said I've been commited for the past 6 weeks in working through it, but this pregnancy has certainly given me an added kick in the butt. Regardless of what happens with the pregnancy I know it's important for me, to keep working hard at therapy so that's what I've pledged to myself to do.

In a way I guess I'm posting all this to start the goodbye process and also to thank Anthony for setting up this forum and for everyone's support and encouragement and kick alongs I've gotten. I have no doubt that if I hadn't had some 'tough love' I would of spent the next x number of years wandering aimlessly around trying to figure out 'whats wrong with me?'. So thank you.

I've left the PTSD group, as it no longer seems appropriate for me to have access to that area, but I hope to still lurk around and post occasionally and slowly wean myself off the forum.