Anthony:

Thank you for your kind note. You are sweet. I didn't realize cigarette smoking was connected to PTSD. I have smoked since I was 16. I tried to quit last August, and did so for four months. But I wasn't myself, and yes, had lot of craziness start surfacing. I have heard cigarettes are a "smoke-screen" for traumas, etc. I did drink quite a bit when I was married; however, my ex thought I was too good for him if I didn't. When he was off-duty (he was a cop) he wanted to "party." It didn't matter to him that I had a job also, and had to be to work in the mornings. And I, of course, being the naive, gullible person I was at the time, went along and drank with him. Drinking also helped me deal with the abuse, but it was keeping me from dealing with those traumatic events in my childhood. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I wrote a note to my husband at the time telling him I thought I needed to talk to someone, as I believed something was "wrong with me." After he read the note, he told me "over my dead body you'll see someone. There is nothing wrong with you, and you don't need to talk to anyone." So at that time I didn't. A few months later, I was hospitalized with acute depression.

I've never used street drugs. After the divorce I drank a bit, but within several months stopped. It seemed I lost interest in drinking. I dated awhile, and soon lost interest in that too. About 8 years ago, I started going to casinos and gambling. I got into that pretty heavy. Almost lost everything I had rebuilt. My doctor referred me to Gambling treatment, and I was involved with GA for five years. The gambling was an addiction which I found helped me "forget" everything. Last summer (2004) I started to go again; but found the strength somehow to stop - - - I guess I started recognizing the "signs" that I was heading into trouble again. So right now, I guess I cover things up with smoking cigarettes and working. It seems I keep my mind pre-occupied with my job 24 hours a day. I found out this summer when I was suspended for three days, this wasn't a very healthy thing to do. So I am trying to find other activities/topics to occupy myself with.

Tonight seems to be one of those nights I may be up all night. I'm not at all tired; in fact, I feel very hyper and awake.

I loved the pictures you posted; and I have talked to my brother this weekend. He is going to show me how to send pictures; so sometime during the next week, I may be able to send a picture of me and my precious dog, Kisha.

I have had a little time to talk to my brother about PTSD; the EMDR, and the fact that I have found this forum on PTSD. He said it is nice that I have found this forum; it is nice to be able to talk to people. He hasn't really said too much about PTSD. I guess he is trying to understand it better. But he is supportive of what I am doing. That is nice. The rest of my family doesn't have a clue as to what I have been going through. They know I have been distant, and somewhat troubled; but they haven't a clue. I know from past experience, if I try to explain, I will just end up in an argument with my mother. My mother is of the belief - - - Just don't let it get to you and get on with your life for crying out loud. I have accepted who my mother is. Years ago, my brother told me that my mother said to him and my sister "I hope to God you don't turn out to be like your sister." So, I think in some ways my mother considers me the black sheep of the family.

I was glad to see Evelyn, Alexander, and others posting. I hope to have the chance to chat with them more. Evelyn sent me some info regarding EMDR which was very helpful. I think she is going to be helpful to everyone who comes upon your forum. I am glad you started it. It sounds like Alexander and Evelyn are good friends to have.

I know you have been busy. How are you doing? Well, I hope. I sometimes think I start talking so much - - - well, I know I can get overbearing sometimes. It's just, I haven't had anyone I could relate to about PTSD. My friends/co-workers/family don't know what it's all about. And even I am still learning!

Well, I am going to "give it a break" now. Will talk with you again, and again thank you for your support. I hope I can do the same for you.