Up all night tonight doing an all nighter. Know that I simply can't sleep, nor do I want to try. Fear is keeping me awake. Fear that if I go to sleep, I'll never again wake up. As if I'm going to be murdered in my sleep or something. Learned much tonight while writing diary. Not happy with people involved to say the least. Rather quite angry. But, I also, have the slightest realization, mixed with a whole lot of Hope that when I get through to the other side of this, that improved self is going to be a whole lot more than I ever dreamed of being. Memory is returning, and though there's a whole lot more 'good' agony, ahead. (Not to sound sadistic, or like a sickoo). (In fact, I can think of much more enjoyable things to do with my time). I can do it. Whereas, for many long years I looked around, time and again, for someone who could help, I always drew the same conclusion. No….No….No….No, such a person simply does not exist. And, that I'm f%^&*# now. Sheer Hopelessness plagued me. I don't know how I survived. There certainly was no one suited to tell. What I mean by good is simply, This is all worth it to me. Enough from me as I can see I'm getting sick, just as I was told I would. (editing while writing and leaving the sickness out).

Whatever... :angry-fla :drugs:

Though I'll do the work, hope I can stay low key and minimize damage. I'm not kidding right now I feel many things. Hopeful, somehow blessed and fortunate, despite my PTSD, but I'm still Frightened, very, very Frightened. Bless you all ...and I'm glad I spoke on, though you might not be. LOL

(also beginning to feel I might be going nuts because sharing openly like this just hasn't been my style. Also. feeling like it might not be such a wise idea to post this). Woops, accidentally clicked submit. LOL