I hit rock bottom. I have only one other way out of my nightmare so I am having to do it now. I do not have to look someone in the eyes. They do not "know" me, yet these people here know more about me than anyone I know. I have a hard time telling the therapist everything, I have a hard time telling people here some things, some at this time I can only bring myself to go to Anthony with. I know in time I will be able to lay it all out there and make it public domain once it makes sense in my head.

But being faceless and unknown hence "veiled" makes it a whole lot easier especially when you are not judged and are guided (or sometimes pushed) which way to go once you do start to open up. Once you start to see results you are more willing to look within you and pull more out. You get what you put in as they say.

Today I am not dying. Today I am not on the way to the hospital again. Today I am way down on my drugs dose almost off. Today I am not suicidal. Today I can get my panic attacks and control them mostly. Today and the last couple have been so extremely hard for reasons I have in my diary and in a private area. Those things would have made me at one point be all those things above. Today I am not because I am willing to go where I am guided, and opening up and getting it out so it is not carried alone pent in is the first step. For me it was try this or die. I was out of options.