Frightened and Angry Rant

[goingonhope]

Last night was hard. Very, very hard. Found much time to read through dairy thread and while home alone, kids in bed, husb. out I simply got scared to death and later in need of talking.

There I was sitting, reading when before my eyes appar. my cats tail and hind was positioned such on the other side of wall (kitch./diningrm ) entr. that it looked just like a lrg, blk, design, ltr, cowboy boot belonging to my father. Looked as if he was lurking behind this wall. Very frightening.

Later as I cont. there was sudden, unexpl., loud, cont., rapping noise near my diningrm window. After sitting in fright for some min. I with knife in hand searched house. (And scared at the time that if anyone saw this through me many windows they’re going to be scared that I’ve gone mad.) Searching I found no one . App. this must have been cats scratching and banging tail or something. But, I didn’t know that then and still not sure WTF it was. Very frightening.

Later sit down to cont. read (thinking about sister/abuser and her family) and the phone rings. On the other end is some very calm man, sounded stoned, almost cert., at the time, it was sisters husband as voice and accent sounded just like him. Even though it did become app. he had wrong phone# he hest. and hung on phone too long. Real frightened. as I realiz. poss. he might be calling from cell phone on my front porch. I was terrified.

Fortun. I had someone to call and spoke w/ for one hr. But, honestly called him so that he might call police in an instant if need be as my fear was paralyzing me and I knew I’d be unable to call in time. The night did end much later with me falling asleep next to husb. once home.

Make matters worse, in add. got badly triggered last night in that my fear that others might view me as an abuser. I typed on about this and failed to post successfully; perhaps this was a gift. Do still want to talk about it today, as I found it very disturbing.

Here goes: (my attempt at being brief).
I stated in a post on Eagle3 intro. thread that my PTSD can onset sudd. and threaten families security. I was able to later somewhat clarify post as it perhaps could have been suggestive, to someone that didn’t know me, of something / anything other than reality.

Now I’ve got to say this. What I mean when I say threaten my families security is disrupt the peace by needing to talk and keeping husb. awake, when the guy needs his sleep. Or, becoming triggered by husb.’s way of thinking and comm. in such a way as for me to confuse past w/ present, ie. (he’s apt to beh. like my father did) and fear he’s a threat. If this were to occur, I only agitate him and we might argue, but most likely I would end up going off on my own, curling up and trying to think my way out of my exper. of fear to such a point I end up trapped in my mind frustrated all night until I take sedative to sleep.

Here’s the thing I am forever aware and protective of my kids and know absol. what I don’t want my kids to exper. (This list is enorm. and incl. such things as tone of voice used w/ or near them, no saying hate in any sent., no TV violence, poor values, or corrupt., swearing is simply not part of our family lives, no frightening childr., no planting even seeds of doubt of their reality in their mind, and on and on the list goes) and though I can be flexible as I simply don’t have control over everything, I am protecting my kids from any and every detrim. poss. Even if PTSD’d to the max I possess this ability to view the world through their little eyes and I protect and love them. If it means removing myself I do so. I am not an abuser and I’m not a numb skull. To hell with FOO, who would profoundly twist my reality and have me believe otherwise, so that they could be a victim and I would just non-exist and allow them to have their way with me, and the sisters I once loved. My 6’ 6”, husky, bull like man of a father was the abuser. It made a life-time impact when I at 2’ft.+ tall and my FOO lives were threatened by him while he bragged on about the capabil. of his butcher knives and weilding them while announc. that one of us just might die in the house tonight. This and all his other rages, along with my step-father and mom beating me down in almost every imag. way, routinely and chronic. and ruining our family did not leave me wanting to do the same. In fact, it left me scarred in such a way that I am hypersensitive to anything / anyone that might impact my children negatively. You see our children need us to protect them, no matter what condition we’re in. They don’t know or care, nor need to care, and none of our stuff., emotion, sh*# belongs to them. None of it. When I say threatening families security I mean any disruption, even the slightest and/or having to leave or remove myself from family and home because I temp. can be of no avail. or service because my PTSD for the time simply owns me. If I’m temp. unable to be phys. present I believe I am threatening my families security.
I don't know if I should be sorry for ranting or not. I certainly fear and expect to be judged, but that's just me. Ranting is simply not a pleasant thing to be subjected to. However, I will apoligize in advance for sharing my rather fearful and neg. side as all I truly want in life for all of us is Peace.

[anthony]

I know what your saying hope, but we can also damage our children in ways we cannot see at the time, by also being over protective off them. Protecting our children is paramount, no doubt at all, as I am also a parent and love them to bits and pieces, but I personally, also try and remember that even though PTSD exists in this household within myself, that the children are experiencing life itself, and not being held back from it as a result of being too over protective as such. By doing so, a child can then develop disorders by simply not knowing how to cope when exposed to a bully, or a disagreement, etc etc.

If we don't protect them enough, they can be abused by others. If we do protect them too much, we can actually be abusing them from life. Not implicating or suggesting here, just throwing ideas around for thought. Only you know what is best for you, nobody else.

[veiled]

You are not going to be judged. Ranting is normal and good to get out. You did not direct your anger at a certain person here in public so no big deal, you should rant!

I am seeing a bad habit though that many of us do in your post. Sounds you are over protective of the kids. That is a hard one to fix and figure where to give and let go. If we do not allow them to feel and see some pain they won't be able to cope in this world. I am really really bad at that and it is just starting to change. And having PTSD and working on it and suffering from the issues does not make you a bad parent. I have had days where I referred the way I acted was like "rosanne barr on crack" Even the best parents have off days. And if you meet one that acts like June Cleaver, well just kick them in the ass so they get snapped out of their drunken haze LOL. You cannot and should not try to protect your child from every possible ounce of pain. (Hi I am the pot calling kettle black) Like I said I am working on it too still.

Night of panic, just not fun especially when we allow our imagination of what ifs (like someone on the porch with cell) carry it away and make it so much worse. Sorry and hope you fell better today. It is hard to tell ourself this is unreasonable and irrational thinking and so much more so during panic. But you need to work on it. You will have some good days with it and some that nothing works. But it can get better long as you keep trying and telling yourself that.

[goingonhope]

Anthony and Veiled, THX, I very much appreciate your ideas. Spent much of my day pondering and then this afternoon discussed my tendencies to be overprotective of our children, with husb. Your remarks helped refresh my memory of pers. past convers. w/ husb. (ie. his observ., sugg., should's and should nots) all regarding this topic.

We began discussing this today and hope to continue. I'll need his help on this one because, though I am more flexible w/ my children and they are involved in life I have many areas in which I am being overprotective. One of my challenges is w/ myself and my own thinking on this subjectt, as I'm becoming aware that much of it is faulty regard. just what kids should exper. and what they should not. Right now I haven't yet sorted it all out and still unsure exactly where I am making my mistakes, I just know and trust that I am especially after looking at this concern from a different perspectives. Husb. pointed out a handful of areas for me, in which I agree that I'm being overprotective. Also, he said, I told you this 5 yrs. ago, now it's too late. His and my discus. demanded much patience and toler. as though he has much good input, I have to figure out a way to hear it while getting past the critical and neg. spin on things.

Over the yrs. I did quietly and momentarily contemp. at times that perhaps I was being overprotective, but was still too defensive, and seemed to never find and/or take the time to really consider any other way than my own.

New day, new begin. much analysis ahead for me on this problem as I do love our two children very dearly and naturally want the best for them.

[cookie]

my parenting days are over for the most part, but i too had a problem being over protective. a little overprotective doesn't hurt, but too much could cripple my children, so i tried hard to keep myself in check. it helped that their daddy was not so protective in the same way, he would often tell me that i was being so, and i would back off. i worried so much about possibly abusing them, that sometimes i would go too far the other way. luckily for me, my children were good kids for the most part, and i wasn't "tested" in a hard way.

[anthony]

You also have to look at why your over protective I guess. For example, which parts are being over protective because PTSD is at any point involved in the decision, opposed to just being a protective mother. Lets face it, mothers are protective of thier children, ok... clarification considering this place, some mothers love their children dearly, hence only have their childrens protection at hand. Even without PTSD, some parents can go overboard with being protective off their exposure to the world and others. Don't beat yourself up in regard to the PTSD aspect, just isolate if PTSD is involved, ie. from your traumatic experiences suffered, opposed to just the motherly bond.

Both can be destructive, but the motherly bond can atleast be learnt to give more exposure, without the beating up off one self thinking it is PTSD related. Kerrie is very protective of Alexander, yet I guess I as the male, also ensure he is and will be exposed to a little more off life, to even out the balance as such.

[goingonhope]

You also have to look at why your over protective I guess. For example, which parts are being over protective because PTSD is at any point involved in the decision, opposed to just being a protective mother.
•When husband barks orders in his deep, loud voice. I do my best to soften what feels like a blow. When this happens, I'm afraid he’s lowering their self-esteem, frightening them, and may start yelling. Without being aware I am apt to fear that he might get physical with our children. Now, he has NEVER done this before, but his sudden frustration frightens me.

So I begin transalating words that are more understandable and better received by our children. This agitates him and he's certain to come out with some negative statement. And, then this agitates me, because in my PTSD I can't figure out for the life of me how someone can comment so negatively and hold such an irrational view on something. So I try harder to be supportive to our kids while performing as a peace-maker trying to please him as well. He then overlooks entirely that I am in fact considering him and trying to respect his approach with the kids, though I see and think entirely different. Meanwhile I'm also trying to help and encourage the kids to do whatever it is he wants done while trying to express to children how daddy's feeling, because he often won't do it himself, rather he just gets frustrated and barks orders. I believe he'd be much more successful in getting our kids to do what he wants, when he wants it if he'd only be gentler, consistent and firm. Personally, I don't think my husband has a wide range of feelings. Seems that there is a list of emotions missing somewhere, and I exert much of my energy afternoons and evenings striving to protect our kids from my perceived threat of my husband to our kids. It's hard to tell what's what because he has always claimed that his entire approach is all normal and that I'm too sensitive and overprotective.

Quite honestly much daily frustration results from being PTSD triggered by a list of traits and behaviors, I've been more recently able to identify in him. As well as the reality we don't agree on child rearing technique.

These days, (and I hope it's in relationship to him being addicted and about a week without a ciggerette). I often find him exhaust., discouraging, depressing and pure frustrating. (I somehow fear this will cont. even weeks and mo. away from cigg's). His ability to hear and own any responsibility is forever shifting. I've told him how his negativity, critisism and selfishness effects us poorly and he's occasionally responded posit. Many times, I've said something and he absol. denies any of it. Lately, as the result of my daily awareness of my PTSD and great willingness to hold myself responsible, he's been blaming much on me, contributing to my anxiety and denying any pers. resp. in any of it. Quite frankly, I'm fed up with him tonight, but it's not worth saying anything, doing anything ect.

[anthony]

And, then this agitates me, because in my PTSD I can't figure out for the life of me how someone can comment so negatively and hold such an irrational view on something.

Hope, please remember though, that not everything in our lives is evolved by PTSD, and often relationship issues are just normal relationship issues, with or without PTSD, and especially when children are involved, the raising of them, etc. The differences between males and females is the next significant contributor to relationship issues. Often we think, or believe, that our PTSD is affecting every aspect of our relationship, where in fact, our PTSD only affects a relationship if it is our anxiety, depression or other symptom reacting, and not just us as a partner, female or male thought.

Your motherly instincts for example, and the decisions often based from those instincts, have nothing to do with PTSD most of the time. When PTSD is at play, is when the children want to do something and a symptom won't allow you, or the event is something surrounding how you got PTSD, then that is a PTSD decision, or highly based one anyway. Those are the type of things we must relearn, but general relationship matters, 80% have nothing to do with PTSD, instead they are male - female indifferences and genetic characteristic traits. To prove this, go visit a friend who has children, without PTSD, and watch how both respond if the child does something, or the male might be sitting in the lounge with a beer watching sport, whilst the female is trying to motivate him to do something, go somewhere or take the children out. If a child bothers him, watch his response to hers. We often bring PTSD too much into our relationships, when in fact it generally plays a very small role. Yes, our attitudes can affect a relationship because of PTSD, but that is then an area that must be worked upon to improve, so the PTSD element is removed.