PTSD and The Job Search

[Nam]

Job searching is hard. It's hard even with a perfect work record (something I don't have.) I have many holes in my work history when I needed time off to recover. My husband is so lucky. He has a nice job where he is wanted and needed and gets paid well for it. He doesn't have a degree in what he does for a living. He just had "connections" I guess.

I worked in a maternity ward for a about seven years. About five years into it, I was diagnosed with PTSD and my world came apart. I tried to work after my diagnosis and made a huge effort. I relapsed several times in the next two years. I finally decided enough. I have been unemployed since March and I'm getting anxious to work again. More percisely, making money again.

I have applied to many jobs but I have problems with answering that question on most applications: Please explain all periods of unemployment. I have not told the full truth but have not lied. I'm already having trouble as it is.

I guess I'm just venting. I really thought I was ready for this. That I'm well enough to join the workforce. I think I've thought wrong. I have one small, part time job that is already starting to stress me out. I teach a tumbling class twice a week. Already, I've called in sick once that was due to stress. I'm beginning to wonder maybe I shouldn't do this. Help? Any advice?

[YoungAndAngry]

Wow, I came online with full intention to create basically the same thread.
But low-and-behold it feels like someone read my mind.

[Nam]

YA, I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone, but don't want you going through the same thing. Stressful...stressful....

[Nam]

Alright, I made it through another gymnastic lesson today. I actually feel good. I think it's a combination being around little girls that don't have to worry about much else than keeping their toes pointed, and exercising with little girls that can seriously kick my butt.

It has given me the inspiration to keep looking for possible job opportunities. Instead of looking for a job that I think I will "impress" people (or a job I'm not ashamed of, rather), I should congratulate myself on holding any job, no matter how simple or "down the pole" it may be.

Even though I have a degree, I'm well educated, I have to realize that having PTSD is starting over. Instead of just living life, it's living life with PTSD. I have to stop thinking about where my life would be had I not had been diagnosed or to even fathom how life would be different if I wasn't ever abused at all. I must accept myself as I am right now but not to settle on staying right where I am. I must push myself to be better. I can overcome this. I have to. For myself, my husband, and my kids.

[anthony]

Ah Nam... you hit it with your last post. Its not just about thinking, or doing, its also much about whether your fit and able. What you are doing though is the right thing, ie. some small part-time work, finding your boundaries, pushing those boundaries beyond comfortable to set new boundaries. When you push and find your limit, you will know it through sickness of symptoms. Heal some more, push the employment boundaries some more, continue cycle.

My brother in law works a full-time job with PTSD, though he also drinks like a fish to cope, but telling him that is useless, because he knows everything as he is a nurse with PTSD, in denial. I gave up on him long ago... but he still does it, he just doesn't do it the right way. Some people I know work with PTSD, full-time, no drowning in alcohol or the like, they just simply have good employers, or they work for themselves, they have routines so they know what they are doing in the back of their minds at all times, and they don't go outside of those, or else thats when PTSD kicks their arse.

[nov_silence]

I am so glad that we are talking about this! I am a school counselor. I have a masters and three years experience. I am a "recovering" perfectionist. And it was such a blow to my ego to not be working "up to my potential". IE working in a school. I just couldn't do it this year. I am glad for the decision that I made. Looking back, I realize the many events that triggered me: two student deaths, car accident, car being stolen three times (mine), students being hit by parents, students getting raped.... I don't know how I did it. I would more than function at work and then get home and collapse. I would drink every day... this past spring I started drinking in the mornings. I don't really drink now.

Since June (before I left my counseling job) I have applied to over 70 jobs. It has been a demoralizing process. Feeling like I had so much to offer skill wise, but not me as a person, not mentally, not physically.

Since Monday, I have noticed my anixety gearing up... thinking about balancing between the house and the dogs and my husband and working. I found myself saying the old familiar phrase, "I can't do it all." I want to try. When I get really anxious my new mantra is "for my family, for the sake of my family" and that helps me work toward putting things in perspective.

I am scared of relapse. I am scared that I won't be able to be a counselor again. I am thinking of using "light" drugs bc it helps me relax. All I know is that my husband can't shoulder finances alone. So many bills are past due. I guess I am also anxious about being able to pay them in a certain amount of time (which ones do I pay first) even with working. And of course, I don't want to call any of them. I am also frustrated with the fact that I will be making 15,000 less than I will make. I am trying not to take it personally, ego-lly. I know logically that what I make does not equal my worth as a person. But it is hard. Even if I don't conciously think about it or I silence the voices, the feelings are still there and they manifest in my feeling blank or empty but mostly in physical ways: tired, hemmoriods (sorry about spelling), not sleeping through the night, self-harm urges (which only leads to more psychic pain). I am not being dramatic.

I start work on Monday.

[Nam]

Nov, we are here for you. I know how hard taking that first step is. I, too have a hard time with the money/self worth thing. I hate it that I'm using money (eating, gas, clothing, etc.) but not bringing anything in. I try to rationalize by saying that I'm taking care of two kids and that could equal about ten grand in child care per year. For some reason that doesn't seem to matter much. Is there any way that you could get disability for the time being? We downsized quite a bit in order for me to stay at home, but since my hub has a good job, the stress isn't too bad. (I've got some whopping credit debt, however....) If you get any anxiety about Monday's job, any urges whatsoever, PM me please. It helps me to help others. Be good to yourself this weekend.

[Eagle3]

Sometimes it really sucks to need money. After a year's hiatus form working, I'm holding down a part-time job while in school full-time. However, the stress this semester is getting to me, and my brain is shutting down in class. The worst part is I have to find a SECOND job in order to pay for my health insurance next semester (while finishing school). I have absolutely NO CLUE what I am going to do for that second job, because the only thing I seem to be able to handle is groundskeeping and landscaping. I still wonder if I'm gonig to be able to handle two jobs and school and not lose control of everything.

I guess the only thing I can do is what I can do, and deal with stuff as it comes. But job stress is definitely a sore spot for me. Sorry for the rambling.

[Nam]

Today I applied for a job where I was COMPLETELY honest in all the questions. One of the questions was Describe a personal acheivement. This question was after What are your career goals? So they were asking for something personal. Well, without paraphrasing or trying to write in vague sentences, I wrote the truth. I wrote that I was diagnosed with PTSD in July of 2004. In the time since then, I have aggresively tackled this with all I had. I am glad to say that I am now a stronger, more confident, more determined individual. Yada, yada. I'm really PROUD of myself. And I feel fine about it! I feel no dread whatsoever!

Also, with the explaination of periods of unemployement? I said the truth. "I took time off to heal."

Wow, what an empowering feeling. I do not know if I get the job or not. We will wait and see. I know that if my PTSD causes me to not land the job, I really don't want it anyway.

My kite is still flying high.

[anthony]

Congratulations Nam... and what a really great statement to use for that question. No doubt the employer will most likely be scratching their head, but we know what it means to get past PTSD, and learn to control it. Well done to you.... huge kudos and hugs.

[batgirl]

Wow that was so courageous of you, Nam! Did you hear back about the job at all? Even if you didn't, I really admire you for being so upfront. I'm stressing about the same things right now, as I'm looking for a part time job. Today I'm supposed to go down to the employment centre and register to see a counselor, and even that seems scary. I guess in a way I am "lucky" though in that I am already on disability as the result of my dad being in the military. So the employment agency knows that I might have to go into one of their sheltered workshops, where they help you find a job you can handle. Blah. That sounds so horrible. Actually I'm quite intelligent. But I guess I have to start somewhere.

Anyways good luck, I'm hoping your courage pays off!

[Nam]

So far, no calls, no offers. I am busy doing other stuff right now. I have two friends who want fine art pieces made for their homes and yes, I do get paid! (with a friend discount....) I went shopping yesterday to get some materials and I felt GREAT! Usually I feel horrible for spending money, but not yesterday. This weekend, I'm making my own stretchers/canvas, so I have tons to do to keep my mind off it. Like I said, if they don't want me, then I don't want to work where I'm not wanted....

[veiled]

Nam, with the jobs... Well still will be working on selling livestock from the home and shipping fertile eggs. Doesn't really cover feed for the animals. I was tinkering with the thought of work but I cant stand people and there is no way I could handle the stress of my old job.

I was skimming the ads and came across one I could do if I could get out of the house. Maybe in December when litle one starts daycare to give me time alone I may go looking for it again. But the ad simlply stated someone to clen kennels and have common sense. LOL, I can clean up crap and have a brain. And deal with animals and not people? Woohoo!

But it is a crap job in the literal sense but if I can get myself out of the home at least part time may do me some good. And that would be the whole point. But I am seeing it will be a while before I can probably deal with people coming to my home to buy animals.

Still doing baby steps.

[Nam]

s'ok veiled. Baby steps is better then no steps at all.

[anthony]

Nam, I think your artwork has a lot more worth than maybe you think! Maybe, just maybe, you might want to consider giving a few pieces a go at an online auction and even announcing it through a press release or the like to help get the auction going. When I finally get around to building the shop onto here, you will be more than welcomed to put any pieces in there for purchase from yourself.

[batgirl]

Nam, I agree with Anthony. I haven't seen your art, but I'm sure it's good if your friends want to commission you! You could have a career in art. I was taking illustration in university, before I dropped out, so I have been considering similar things. And with the internet, you can sell to people all over the world! That would be so cool. :)

[Nam]

Thank you for your awesome comments. I have the hardest time selling myself to others. I just don't think I'm worthy of getting paid. It's something I have to work on. Eighteen years of being told that art has no value in my life, to get a "real" job, etc. It'll take some serious soul searching to get up the nerve to open shop. Thank you for your support though. It brings tears to my eyes.

[batgirl]

Nam, after I said I hadn't seen your art, I happened to notice some of it on the site... it's awesome. The wall murals are fantastic... those are really becoming "in" again, at least where I live. Especially for children's rooms, doctor's offices, etc. And in my city there are many outdoor murals on buildings, park benches, school fences, etc, to deter vandalism. I think you could get some of that market... just have to figure out how to advertise yourself... which I don't know much about. But I do know that your work is really great, so you should definitely have confidence!

[nov_silence]

I am really happy with the job that I have. It's the first time in years. It's just that I am wiped out when I get home. I have to work myself up to taking the dogs out since my husband usu gets home after I do. His father is coming in tomorrow and I am anxious about cleaning up the house after a long day. I haven't been sleeping soundly at night. I will need to get sleeping pills as I don't want to take trazadone or seroquil again. I wake up chanting with some shaking and wonder how I will get through the day AND then function at home. Work has always been a hiding place for me. Coming home brings a greater level of reality to where I'm at personally and mentally. Alot to juggle. Thoughts of self harm but haven't. I am looking forward to payday though I feel a little overwhelmed by the bills that need to be paid. What do I pay first and how much so the lights stay on. Tired, tired and more triggered lately.

[mac]

Hey y'all,
This was a good tread topic in my opinion because it is one of a number of things that distresses me. I have a degree, certification and I'm licensed as a clinical laboratory tech. This was the only thing I was ever skilled at. Now, I'm unemployed due to my problems with PTSD and depression. My license is due to be renewed in January and the first question they ask is "Had or do you suffer from any illness in the past year that could reasonably affect your work?" HELL YEAH!! Besides not being able to concentrate and multitask as I used to, I don't work well with people either. It hurts that my wife slaves at Walmart to make 1/4 the salary I have the potential to make-if I was well. I pondered a lot over what type of employment I could be successful at, but when depression hits-I am almost catatonic on the couch or bed... so it wouldn't even matter if I owned my own business or worked from home.

[cookie]

hey mac, what about when there is not bad depression? if you worked from home, you could be productive then. i find that keeping busy helps me with depression, of course i am on med, too. i worked at walmart for a little while part of one yr. when i homeschooled my youngest, and believe me, she is slaving! you won't be on that couch or bed forever, after you heal. so, take the time you need now, and do the rest when you're better.

[JoannaG]

I think jobs has a lot to do with our ptsd. Where can we find a place that pays the bills, where yu can feel, safe and comfortable, where you can find job satisfaction.

Seriously considering changing jobs as work environment is a cesspool of industrial stress and low moral for all. I was always very hard worker up till factory wore me out like an old machine. Am on modified job duties and if I stay will be stuck on the job forever, (glorified janitor), do get a break as back up for two QA people in my department sometimes

Still can't go back due to PTSD, not to mention the stress of the gossip and rumors from my recent traumas, troubles with hubs, and resentment for being modified/light duty employee by the full duty people.

Caught between the pay cheques/benefits which are good or changing careers as always was career oriented. PTSD indecision has always been worst enemy, that and the subconsious "always have to suffer some how just put up with it mentality" which I am trying to conquer.

Really ready for a change, really want job satifaction and time for my farm,
our hours are brutal especially this time of year. Turkey plant 6% of world's meat market comes from our plant. Thanksgiving and Christmas are brutal
9-7pm even 8 at time and weekends to boot.

Too much when a 10 min walk right now kills me physically and on job I have to be on feet and walk constantly.

Hubs can't handle bills alone and my time running out money wise so have to s*** or get off the pot.

[Eagle3]

Jobs are especially interesting. I need a second job to pay my bills, but I'm still in school, so it has to be part-time. The hard part is, because of PTSD, I can't work retail because I was doing that during my time of Hell, and I can't bring myself to work it again. :wall: So far, the only job I can handle with any stability is groundskeeping, which is absolutely great i.e. very little stress at all, but pays beans. I gotta figure something out before Jan. 1 as that is when I have to start paying my own health insurance.:crybaby:Why does adult life have to be so hard?

[darkskies]

we all seem to have a lot in common concerning working. i've not worked for 17mths now, because of ptsd, but have always felt the pressure from me to work, even though if i'm honest i wasn't capable of. i've kinda fallen into the trap of setting a loose time frame to get back into work, reaching that time, not working, and then failing, tormenting myself with what i thought at the time was a realsitic time frame eg, 3-4months and with each failure as time goes on just re-emphases in me that i've failed, that i should be handling things better and should just be getting on with it. i just want to, need to work, only my ptsd instincts get in the way of it, the two just don't match up. It's so frustrating.

[Nam]

Frustrating it is. NO CALLS still. Did I say frustrating? Oh well. My gymnastics classes that I teach is expanding. I teach 12 hours a week, about 8 classes. It keeps life interesting for now. Although sometimes, I just want to :hit-boss: some of the kids! Some kids have no respect!!

[anthony]

A simple and effective method to solve this, is find something that everyone needs that can be accomplished online, and establish an online business that supports PTSD sufferers... For example, a site that requires each person to contribute but works on a reward type scheme, where if one person puts in twice as much time as another, they get twice as much of the profit as the other.

Find the idea that is viable, and I can certainly help establish it.