becvan
30-10-2006, 04:58 AM
( Please see thread http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread1475.html first)
Resolving conflict is a challenge for everyone. Those of us with PTSD can have great difficulty doing so. These are some techniques to help your resolve the issues that we face, while maintaining our cool and attempting to come to a Workable comprimise for everyone.
Remember: this takes practice!!!
First: always count to three (or ten in our case!! hehe) to gain control over our emotional reaction!
Second: Try any of these four assertiveness techniques to resolve the issue!!
Techniques:
Broken Record: Repeat the same message when you are being ignored. Use the Assertive Three Step Process. Use Postive talk (or messages.)
Example: Your child is yelling they hate you. (or mother, partner etc...)
Your reply: I understand that you feel like you hate me right now. However, I feel that you are just angry and don't really mean it. I still love you no matter what you say. I suggest we take a break from each other and come back and talk about this later when we are both calm.
Keep repeating this until your message is heard!! Easy eh?
Fogging: Understand their feelings. This calms down aggressive behaviour. It deflects personal attacks.
Example: Your mother (sorry guys just had to use this one) is screaming at you that you messed up her evening.
Your reply: I understand that you feel I messed up your evening.
KEEP REPEATING THIS MESSAGE. That is it. You keep your cool and repeat this until they calm down and realize that you are ACKNOWLEDGING their feelings. Remember this does not mean you agree with thier feelings but you are acknowledging them. Then use the Three Step Process to further stimulate resolving the issue.
Negative Feelings Assertion: This is a little trickier. You acknowledge what BEHAVIOUR is upseting you, how you feel about that BEHAVIOUR, and what you would like to see happen instead.
Example: Your teenager (can you think of anything better here? hehe) is stomping around the house, cursing about their chores. This is greatly upsetting you.
Your reply: Your stomping around and cursing is upsetting me. It makes me feel very anxious and feel that you don't care about how our home looks. This hurts my feelings. I would like you talk about what is upsetting you about the chores instead of behaving in an angry manner.
Again, this should lead into the Three Step Process. This could lead into Fogging, or the Broken record!! The point of this is to point out the BEHAVIOUR instead of blaming the person!! This is very important. If you just blame or get angry at the person, you will not resolve anything. That person will take it as a personal attack!!! Keep this in mind!!
Discrepency Assertion: This is where someone is saying one thing that is conflicting with another thing said or done. You clarify the real problem, point out the confusion or conflicting information, then clarify that confusion or conflicting information.
Example: Your parent says that they want you to be happy but are telling you that your decisions suck (say that your decision is to go to school to be a teacher.)
Your reply: Dad, you say that you want me to be happy, yet you are unhappy with my decison to go to school and are arguing with me about it. This tells me you want me to be happy on your terms. Dad, if going to school to teach makes me happy and you want me to be happy, what is the real issue you have with my decision.
Remember to actually listen to the answer!! Don't just pay it lip service!! Then use the Three Step Process to start resolving the differences!! This is a complicated example, yet I think this one applies to more complicated issues. Remember to keep practicing this!!!
Keep in mind: You will not do this perfectly the first time, second time or everytime. These techniques take a life long practice!!! You have to consciously decide to improve how you communicate!! After that it's just a matter of practice!! Also, you may need to use any assortment or combination of these techniques to resolve the conflict. Don't be afraid to try them all if one fails!!!
Good Luck!!
Bec
Your reply:
Resolving conflict is a challenge for everyone. Those of us with PTSD can have great difficulty doing so. These are some techniques to help your resolve the issues that we face, while maintaining our cool and attempting to come to a Workable comprimise for everyone.
Remember: this takes practice!!!
First: always count to three (or ten in our case!! hehe) to gain control over our emotional reaction!
Second: Try any of these four assertiveness techniques to resolve the issue!!
Techniques:
Broken Record: Repeat the same message when you are being ignored. Use the Assertive Three Step Process. Use Postive talk (or messages.)
Example: Your child is yelling they hate you. (or mother, partner etc...)
Your reply: I understand that you feel like you hate me right now. However, I feel that you are just angry and don't really mean it. I still love you no matter what you say. I suggest we take a break from each other and come back and talk about this later when we are both calm.
Keep repeating this until your message is heard!! Easy eh?
Fogging: Understand their feelings. This calms down aggressive behaviour. It deflects personal attacks.
Example: Your mother (sorry guys just had to use this one) is screaming at you that you messed up her evening.
Your reply: I understand that you feel I messed up your evening.
KEEP REPEATING THIS MESSAGE. That is it. You keep your cool and repeat this until they calm down and realize that you are ACKNOWLEDGING their feelings. Remember this does not mean you agree with thier feelings but you are acknowledging them. Then use the Three Step Process to further stimulate resolving the issue.
Negative Feelings Assertion: This is a little trickier. You acknowledge what BEHAVIOUR is upseting you, how you feel about that BEHAVIOUR, and what you would like to see happen instead.
Example: Your teenager (can you think of anything better here? hehe) is stomping around the house, cursing about their chores. This is greatly upsetting you.
Your reply: Your stomping around and cursing is upsetting me. It makes me feel very anxious and feel that you don't care about how our home looks. This hurts my feelings. I would like you talk about what is upsetting you about the chores instead of behaving in an angry manner.
Again, this should lead into the Three Step Process. This could lead into Fogging, or the Broken record!! The point of this is to point out the BEHAVIOUR instead of blaming the person!! This is very important. If you just blame or get angry at the person, you will not resolve anything. That person will take it as a personal attack!!! Keep this in mind!!
Discrepency Assertion: This is where someone is saying one thing that is conflicting with another thing said or done. You clarify the real problem, point out the confusion or conflicting information, then clarify that confusion or conflicting information.
Example: Your parent says that they want you to be happy but are telling you that your decisions suck (say that your decision is to go to school to be a teacher.)
Your reply: Dad, you say that you want me to be happy, yet you are unhappy with my decison to go to school and are arguing with me about it. This tells me you want me to be happy on your terms. Dad, if going to school to teach makes me happy and you want me to be happy, what is the real issue you have with my decision.
Remember to actually listen to the answer!! Don't just pay it lip service!! Then use the Three Step Process to start resolving the differences!! This is a complicated example, yet I think this one applies to more complicated issues. Remember to keep practicing this!!!
Keep in mind: You will not do this perfectly the first time, second time or everytime. These techniques take a life long practice!!! You have to consciously decide to improve how you communicate!! After that it's just a matter of practice!! Also, you may need to use any assortment or combination of these techniques to resolve the conflict. Don't be afraid to try them all if one fails!!!
Good Luck!!
Bec
Your reply: