Repressed Memory

[sibemom]

OK I am up way to early this morning but I had such a bad night of nightmares and things that were really strange. I have been having some reoccuring nightmares that are not related to the accident. There dreams of first I feel TERROR then I feel sick then I wake up in a shaking sweat. At first I did not recall what they were about just felt the feelings, NOW I remember or at least this morning I woke up and remembered. I am seeing visions of being abused not beaten the OTHER KIND which I can not even write down right now, not sure by who and I am a child in this dream. I do not remember any such thing happening to me, but obviously in my nightmares it is happening. Has anyone had any repressed memory that came to the surface AFTER they were diagnosed with PTSD???? Have any of you had memories brought out by THERAPY??? This is frightening to me because of the fact I do not remember any such thing ever happening to me at least when I am awake?????? I still do have nightmares about the accident and about the abuse I suffered when married to my EX, but nothing like this. I think I am going to call my doc today and have a little chat with him. Any insight on this would be helpful.

[Farmer]

Hi sibemom

Sounds like the night terrors I get(luckaly not every night),just a sense of terror with nothing to identify it with, tho now I have a good idea what they are about.

I have had one memorey come up but it has been so long that it is like digging in cement to get anything out.

It came out not in therapy but watching a documentery on tv, maybe my mind was just ready at the time.

[sibemom]

I guess when I talk to my doc today I am going to ask a very pointed question and that is ARE THESE REAL MEMORIES????????? Because if they are then I want to know WHY?????????? NOW???????????? and WHO?????????? See I think it has something to do with an older man that I kept seeing even when awake. I could describe him to a tee and my doc said it would have to be someone I saw at some point even if I do not recognize who it is, that was before the nightmare about it. I am really scared right now, so I hope he has some insight as to WHY and WHAT would trigger this NOW!

[Farmer]

That's the weird thing about the mind there is'nt a nice easy file directory. Sometimes it takes something that seems totaly unrelated to get the pathways open. It seems if one can get by those initial fears(I hate hearing that to) it makes it easier for the memorys to peek out. A good Doc knows how to poak the right way to get at them.

[batgirl]

Sibemom, I've never had a repressed memory that I know of, but I have had the really bad (and really vague) nightmares and night terrors, similar to what you describe. I wake up in a sweat, screaming or feel like I'm choking. This may not be what you have, but in my case, my psychiatrist attributes it to a breathing problem. I have severe asthma and I often sleep on my back. The doctor thinks that I am not getting enough oxygen to my brain, and thus the awful night terrors. He says lack of oxygen causes nightmares in some people. When my asthma is better controlled I tend to have fewer bad dreams.

In any case I hope you find out what's wrong soon. I know how awful it can be!!

[veiled]

There are a few of us with repressed memories of sexual abuse. The only reason I know what bits I remember are true as they were confirmed and my twin has full recall, and bro admitted it when confronted by my mom. I am assumming that is what you mean.

Now that it comes to you in a nightmare after diagnosis. That may be a bit tricky. Dreams so often symbolize what we are going through emotionally as well as recall of events. My nightmares do not always hold true to what actually happened though, most often not. I will dream of one of the times I was attacked and raped. It happens all over but in the dream I am trying to load a gun and the clip falls out. Never a gun involved in that one attack.

So it could be just as possible after being diagnosed you feel helpless as a child... Vunerable, out of control, and assulted could come to us in the dream in many different forms in the nightmare. Does not mean we won't wake up disturbed and jacked up feeling.

Not to say it isn't possible but look into that too. Because it seems like so many phases of PTSD opens up or releases so much more of pandora's box and just feels like it keeps on coming and every skeleton hidden in the closet is not happy until unveiled. Explore this to see if the new nightmares are maybe a reflection of how you currently are feeling.

I hope like hell you do not have the same shit a few of us are trying to deal with because it is a major pain in the ass and just more shit to work through when you cannot put all the pieces together. Hard to cope when you do not have the info to process readily avalible to the consious mind.

I really do not know much about repressed memories except that I have them and when they come to light I am awake and it just seems to come to me. I should read up more! I am just still trying to absorb all info on PTSD itself and have not made it that for as to how repressed memories work.

Just keep an open mind and don't be too fast to panic. I hope it is just a reflection of how you feel as it will be much easier to cope.

[piglet]

I agree very much with Veiled - nightmares can be symbolic of feelings - it may be related to feelings and emotions from your trauma/s, but just illustrated in your mind in a different way to what actually happened.

I rarely get action-replay nightmares (thankfully), but I get a whole load of really unpleasant nightmares where I feel the same as I did during my trauma/s.

I guess I can just echo Veiled - don't panic and keep an open mind. Speak to your doc etc.

Take care

[sibemom]

Thanks for the replies. I talked with my doc today and he has many ideas on this issue. I do have an appointment coming up early next week and he blocked off more than the usual hour session so I hope we can dig further into this. I hope it is just feelings that is causing this rather than an actual event that would just add more to my already full plate.

[becvan]

This is a very tricky subject. Are repressed memories real? Yes and no. There has been a lot of controversy over therapy induced repressed memories. Many claim they are all falsely induced and never happened, many claim that of course they have to be real, they remembered it right? So what is the truth of the matter. Here are some agreed on points by both sides:

1. Injustice happens. Innocent people do get accused and convicted. Guilty parties do go free by casting doubt on the accusations.

2. Incest happens. It happens more than orginally thought. There are NO characteristic signs or symptoms of incest.

3. Forgetting happens. Forgetting past events, both negative and positive, is part of ordinary life.

4. Recovered memories are commonplace. Our memories can be and are cued by remarks, experiences etc. Everyone experiences this everyday. It is how our memory works.

5. Memories "Recovered" under hypnosis or influence of drugs are highly unrealiable. Caution needs to be used here. Any memory that is found under any type of therapy induced methods needs to be verified. (more on how to do this further in this post.)

6. Any memory of something from the age of 3 and before are unreliable. There is something called "infantile amnesia." This is caused because we can not recall any memory in the same capacity (we use a different method after the age of 3) as an adult. There is NO method to recall events before this age that is reliable. Period.

7. Memories, real or false, can be emotionally upsetting. No matter what type of memory, verified or not, they have emotions attached to them. These emotions need to be dealt with and validiated.


Now, some of you may want to argue these points. I do not want to get into how our memory works, why it works that way and everything to back it up. In fact, I'm not going to.

Okay so what is my point here? My point is that many doctors and therapists are completely irresponsible in giving this information to us. They never explain this. They can just jump the gun or ignore it completely. We need to be armed with knowledge when it comes to our memories. I have dealt with amnesia, repressed memories and memory recall for over 18 years, in my personal life. It's a hard road. Many, if not all of us, will have to deal with this at some point. So, how do we tell if our memories are real or not?

1. When did the memory surface? If your memory was recovered in therapy (not after but during), through any therapy methods or drug use do not believe that it is real until you follow through with OUTSIDE verification that it really happened.

2. Verifiy all memories recovered. Verify this by outside sources. Family members, freinds, newspaper clippings, pictures, police reports, CAS reports, etc.

Sounds pretty simple eh? It can be a very trying process. What if you have family members trying to protect themselves or others? What if they are unreliable themselves and prone to lying? What if they refuse to tell you anything or you can not bring it up? You may have to get creative. I've had this problem myself. It could be a little clue. You remember witnessing something. Your family says it never happened. Perhaps you have previously heard them talk about being on a boat and your memory was on this boat. Well, you knew you were on the boat. First indication there is something to it right? Secondly, what is the intent of the person asked to verify or not, of the memory? Are they angry, are they guilty, protecting someone or themselves etc..

Remember, this is a PROCESS. It can be a long one. Whether you can verify your memories or not, what ever you are FEELING is real. You need to acknowledge, accept and work through your feelings.

As for a nightmare recovering a memory, this is very unreliable. Our dreams are a process to working through our memories, experiences, thoughts feelings etc. This is not a cut and dried process. Our dreams could be triggered by anything from anywhere. The smallest thing can make us dream bizzare and scary events. Do not trust a dream or nightmare as a reliable memory. Use the verification process to determine if it is real if you feel this may be an actual event.

I wish you all luck with this!

Bec

[Nam]

I am one who has repressed memories. Mine were not brought about with therapy. In fact, I sought out therapy from having these "visions". I did have nightmares but my repressed memories did NOT come about in dreams. They came when awake and is always triggered by something. Usually by sound or smell or feeling, (like fear).

I can tell you that they SUCK and make me sick and I'm usually laid up for weeks after. Only recently have I been able to process them and deal with daily life functioning simultaneously.

The only way I can describe a repressed memory coming to the surface is like how you remember something you've forgotten but then all of sudden remember. It's there all of a sudden. Also for me, the memories are very physical. I can tell you more precisely how my body was positioned than what I was feeling. My therapist calls this "somatic memories" or body memories. Apparently these are stored with amazing clarity because it does feel like reliving it when the repressed memory surfaces.

My first memory was actual pain. No vision, no smell, just pain. It actually doubled me over during work and I thought I'd better get an appointment with the doctor the next day. The rest of the memory appeared the next morning after fully awakening. Of course, then, all I wanted to do was crawl back in bed and die there. I don't wish this on anyone. It's a terribly painful process and it makes me shake just thinking about it. For me, I HAD to have them. I had no control over when or where they would happen. There were actually times I wish it would just come all at once so I could get it over with instead of the not knowing when the next one would hit.

This forum has helped me tremendously in this respect. I was able to come online and process it here and get feedback. There are people here that told me under the circumstances, I was doing well even though I felt like dying. It helps me get through it all. Eventually, (like the greiving process), I got through it. Little by little it gets better. I'm still awaiting for more to surface. I think I'm up to fourteen memories now. Not all of them are bad, but most are.

What Bec said here: Whether you can verify your memories or not, what ever you are FEELING is real. You need to acknowledge, accept and work through your feelings. Is an awesome one. When I was abused, I had one sister that was abused with me and my mother. My mother will not tell me anything partly because of her culture and partly because of the language barrier. My sister however does not remember a thing. NONE of my memories have been validated by an outside source. Some of my memories have credibility in that I can describe the details and how my body was. The view that I have is at the proper height for a four year old, etc. I remember what I was looking at during some of the traumas. I can describe the smell. It's very weird and surreal. Now, Bec pointed out that feelings is feelings no matter if the memories are true. I had to come to terms with this and it's easier said than done, let me tell you. What she says is true though. If you have a therapist, talk and spill it. Even your dreams. Write it down. Have a journal and write all your terrors in it. You may see a pattern or a general theme. I wish you tonight, a solid sleep with no terrors.

If you have any more questions PM me. I'm willing to share.

[becvan]

When I was abused, I had one sister that was abused with me and my mother. My mother will not tell me anything partly because of her culture and partly because of the language barrier. My sister however does not remember a thing. NONE of my memories have been validated by an outside source. Some of my memories have credibility in that I can describe the details and how my body was. The view that I have is at the proper height for a four year old, etc. I remember what I was looking at during some of the traumas. I can describe the smell. It's very weird and surreal. Now, Bec pointed out that feelings is feelings no matter if the memories are true. I had to come to terms with this and it's easier said than done, let me tell you. What she says is true though. If you have a therapist, talk and spill it. Even your dreams. Write it down. Have a journal and write all your terrors in it. You may see a pattern or a general theme.

Thank you Nam. This is another great way of Vailidating when there are no possible outside sources! (I could not for the life if me think of how to term this earlier! Thank you! Well put) This is such a tough aspect. I still work through new memories often (I erased 14 years of my life and now get little flahses of it.) Mine start with an emotional flash, them move to snap shot visuals. No movie like stuff and it's all third person. Please talk about it with someone. You can also privately pm me. As can you Nam. I really feel the most important aspect of this is working through our feelings and having our feelings validated. Otherwise we end up in more pain from it.

Bec

[Nam]

Hey, for those of you that want more information about repressed memories, validation and the controversy surrounding false memory syndrome, visit this site:
http://www.brown.edu/Departments/Taubman_Center/Recovmem/index.html

And here is a website that helped me tremendously:
http://www.jimhopper.com/memory/

[cookie]

i looked at some of this Nam, but i can't really make a lot out of it. is there a way to tell if your memories are true or false, when you can only document some of it? i would love to find out that my memories are false, i guess that would make me crazy, but it would be a lot less painful.

[becvan]

i looked at some of this Nam, but i can't really make a lot out of it. is there a way to tell if your memories are true or false, when you can only document some of it? i would love to find out that my memories are false, i guess that would make me crazy, but it would be a lot less painful.


99% of us with this issue, can only document some of it!! As I pointed out, this is a process, that could take a lifetime. Let me make this very very clear. Even if you do have false memories (and the chances of all of them being false is pretty slim) that DOES NOT MAKE YOU CRAZY. Now, Cookie, reread that last sentence until you truly believe it.

I will explain how we could have false memories as best as I can here. Say you remember going to the dentist at a young age. The dentist was mean and you didn't like him. A few years later you read a book about a girl being molested by a dentist. A few years after that, when recalling your visit to the mean dentist you recall that he rubbed up against you. (this is a really dramatic example...) Now, what happens here is you remember the event but have different information introduced (the book) and so your mind adds this "new" information to the old memory. This does not make a person crazy. Our minds do not store information in some perfectly organized manner. Our brain has to sort through more information in a day, than is possible to remember. And no, we do not store everything!! That is a myth. What we remember, how we store our memories, associate our memories, and our recall of memories is not a perfect process. Add in trauma and it can become a real mess.

There is no easy, quick fix here. Chances of all your memories being false is pretty slim. I know that your memories are painful, and I'm sorry. You will still have to work through your emotions, whether or not you can document your memories or not.

Also, if you remember on your own, you are not just crazy and making it up. The caution is more for therapy induced memories and memories before the age of 3, as these are the most unreliable memories of all.

I realize this thread has thrown many people here for a loop. Some will only hear the message of "made it up" some will tell themselves it proves they are "crazy" etc.. The message you tell yourself, will help you determine what you need to work on, within yourself. This information is meant to help people understand the process, how it works, give information and ANALIZE thier memories. Not beat themselves up. Have some faith in yourselves. Having this information is very important if you have someone in your life denying that anything every happened (like me, like many others.) How do we trust our memories when being attacked about them? This is how. Use this process, learn and QUIT beating yourself up for a very natural and normal process!!!

Bec

[Nam]

Cookie, my husband once asked me this. "Do you think it's scarier to think that the memories are true or the memories are fake?" I was very comfortable thinking I was "crazy" than if it was true. Even without validation, I've come to believe that the main parts of my memories are true. The two sites that I have linked up in my previous post were scientific proof that repressed memories are real and can and in majority of cases are collaborated with outside evidence. I really needed this scientific explanation. I didn't think I could rely on my gut feeling. From what I read, since I had my memories while I was NOT in therapy, there was no way I could have been suggested I was abused.

For some time, I thought there was no way that that could have happened to me. I don't remember for crying out loud! My sister didn't remember, and I considered myself (at that point), fairly sane! (hahahahaha) All this thinking is called denial. I denied it for some time because it HURT to think it was real. As more memories came, there was no denying that something was going on in my brain. This is some info I thought was good from the jim hopper website.


# People who read this web page sometimes have questions like these:

* "How can I recover (more) memories?"

* "How can I find someone to hypnotize me?"

* "How can I know for sure whether I was abused?"

# It is natural that people ask these questions, particularly given how the popular media present these issues.

# It is more helpful, however, to step back and look at the bigger picture. . .

* "Why do I want to recover (more) memories?"

* "What do I hope that recovering memories will do for me?"

* "Why do I wish I could know for sure whether I was abused?"

* "What problems and suffering in my life now do I believe will be changed by remembering abuse?"

# These are extremely important questions. They go to the heart of who you are, your deepest hopes, and your current struggles. There are no right or wrong answers. The point is that, first, you need to better understand your current problems, and to clarify what you want to achieve for yourself and your life. This must come before learning about whether recovering memories might be helpful.

# Who knows, maybe recovering memories could help you. But this is not the key to healing the effects of child abuse and having a better life, and what you hope to gain by recovering memories is usually better achieved in other ways.

# Remembering how you got through painful experiences, with whatever strengths and resources you had at the time, is usually much more helpful than remembering details of abuse. This is understood by the experts on these issues, and by any therapist qualified to help people heal from painful childhoods.

# Healing from the effects of abuse is a process that takes place in stages, and the point of the first stage is not about recovering memories, or even focusing on the contents of the memories you already have.

# The first stage of healing and recovery, and any helpful therapy or counseling, is about:

* Getting a "road map" of the healing process, including the possible stages and the most helpful approaches to memories at each stage.

* Establishing safety and stability in your body, your relationships, and the rest of your life.

* Tapping into and developing your own inner strengths and all the resources potentially available to you.

* Learning how to regulate your emotions and manage symptoms that make you feel unsafe or cause suffering.

* Developing and strengthening skills for managing painful memories and other experiences, and minimizing unhelpful responses.

# Of course, everything is not always so perfectly ordered and sequential. During the first stage of recovery, it may be necessary to discuss the contents of memories that are disrupting your life. This may be required, for example, to help you manage them, or to understand why you find it is hard to care for yourself (the abuser communicated that you were unworthy of care or love, etc.). However, in this case addressing memories is not the focus of therapy, but a means to achieving safety, stability and greater ability to take care of yourself.

# Therefore, here are two more important questions that you need to answer, which will require more research and, in most cases, consultation with a qualified professional:

* "What must I learn before discussing or "working through" abuse memories could help to improve my current life and help me achieve future goals?"

* "What skills and capacities must I develop to manage the memories I already have - so that I can make sense of them or address any new memories that might emerge?"

# Only after establishing a solid foundation of understanding, self-regulation skills, and safety and stability in one's life should one decide - freely, thoughtfully, mindful of the dangers - whether or not to focus on memories of abuse in order to, for example, place them into a larger understanding of one's life and identity. In fact, once such a foundation is in place, some people realize that thinking and talking about their abuse memories is not necessary to achieve their life goals, and that those memories are no longer of interest to them. (And sometimes people need to educate their therapists about this!)

# For those who do need to focus on abuse memories, or decide that this could be helpful, making sense of what happened and how it fits into one's life story is part of a second stage of recovery, sometimes referred to as "remembrance and mourning." ("Mourning" refers to working through grief about the remembered abuse and its negative effects, grief about good experiences one didn't have and, for some, grief about not even being able to remember important experiences. However, this may not be necessary either.)

# It is true that, for some people, focusing on the contents of abuse memories, including recovered memories, can be part of a second stage of the healing process. (Again, for some people this may not be necessary and may not be something they are interested in doing.) For those who do choose to explore their memories, several important cautionary points should be kept in mind:

* If abuse memories do not emerge spontaneously, this may be due to healthy and protective psychological "defense mechanisms."

* "Digging for memories," or trying to force abuse memories to emerge, is almost never a helpful approach, and can cause a great deal of harm. This can cause increased distress and confusion, and behaviors that are harmful to oneself and important relationships (including false memories and mistaken accusations).

* Attempting to recover abuse memories using hypnosis or other mind-altering techniques is almost never a good idea. The risk of creating very distorted or outright false memories is increased by such methods.

* Even focusing on abuse memories one already has, without proper preparation, will almost always increase distress, instability and self-destructiveness.

* Though new memories may emerge during the course of therapy, and managing and making sense of such memories can be part of the healing process, recovering memories of abuse should never be the focus, or even a goal, of therapy or counseling.

# Finally, here are a few more things to consider:

* No matter how much abuse someone has experienced, or how complete her or his memories are, there is always much more to that person than "abuse victim" or "abuse survivor."

* There is a danger of constructing a personal identity, or reinforcing a sense of self, that is too identified with, too constricted by, and too focused on being a "victim" or "survivor."

* Intellectual learning, therapy, and many other activities and relationships can help people heal from harmful effects of child abuse, including help people deal with troubling memories. But if improving of one's current life and creating a better future take a back seat to exploring the past, healing will be slowed down, and may even be prevented.