Old Memories Cropping Up

[batgirl]

The last few days have been really weird for me. Normally I enjoy gaming, going for walks, drawing, and going to the gym to work out, because all these activities seem to help me relax and think. However, lately when I'm supposed to be relaxing, instead I'm thinking about all these past things that happened to me prior to the trauma with my family, and they are upsetting me almost as much as the trauma itself. For example, I remembered this teacher I had in highschool who told me I wasn't smart enough to attend university. It felt like I was right back there, being hurt and humiliated all over again. I'm remembering bad things I did too, like stealing a chocolate bar from the store when I was a little kid, and feeling guilty and ashamed about it all over again. A whole bunch of these old memories just keep popping up, and they all feel like they just happened.

My trauma anniversary is in January, so I always try to prepare for that... but this is November only. Although, it was just my birthday a month ago and my brother's birthday was last week, and my natural mother, who died when I was 7, her birthday is in 2 weeks. Would birthdays be causing this? Anyways it sucks.

[JoannaG]

Batgirl PTSD doesn't need a time or place or event to popup. Everybody's recall is different. Myself I can't face holiday's, birthdays, churches as was raised Jehovah's Witness. My ex is United church ministers son now wicka.
Asked me last time I saw him he asked me if spell he cast was working. I know I'm the crazy one:rofl: . My recall happened at thirty two. I mean feelings recall not just movie recall. Always had that. Feelings recall is much harder to figure out.

[anthony]

Batgirl, if you haven't already read, please read http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread556.html, as that would have a lot to do with your increase in thoughts and symptoms. Whilst this forum is good for healing, if your not ready to heal, then just chatting here and reading will begin the process in your mind whether you want too or not. The forum does its job well.

[batgirl]

My ex is United church ministers son now wicka.
Asked me last time I saw him he asked me if spell he cast was working. I know I'm the crazy one:rofl: .

OMG that's really funny, Joanna! My friend is wiccan but she doesn't go around telling people about casting spells lol. Anyways thanks for your support. I'm feeling a little bit better this morning.

Anthony, thanks for the link... I hadn't read it yet. Err... but now that you mention it, I have been feeling like this basically since joining the forum. Duh. I don't know why it didn't occur to me before. Anyways I'm going to read it this morning.

[JoannaG]

Mine wicka is bipolar. Wanted to know if son was guilty or not. Something to do with spell he cast for sons court case. As I repeated at time was not there and don't know if he was guilty or not. Am not lying as has 75 baby goats I was bottle feeding at the time. To this day wondering where hub and other adult in house was in all of this. Tryed to save prosecuting girl and two friends running around, and ****ing around in G trings at time. Som had only been home two weeks and on the couch as no beds at time this happened.
Hubs backs other woman who is by the way sole power of of attorney on his will and executer. She is major cock tease and hubs has known her from grade 2. Says I am his woman but she is no 1.
To boot ex still attacks me for any given time in last fifteen years. I let sons into his custody to keep them safe and from court case and current hubs.
Last week delivers 200 to son in jail 150 to youngest for emergency money and son #2 is coming this weekend and I don't want him to see me this bad. I am sposed to protect them not other way round #2 just turned 20 on the twenty third. I didn't give him anything but my love.

[veiled]

batgirl,

Sorry for coming in late but I don't need to read the link. You are and have exposed so much. You read and being able to feel you can feel others' pain too. It can be hard. Sometimes you need to give yourself a break from the board especially when new. Or not new. When you start pulling things to the surface you are going to trigger yourself all over the place.

Do not push yourself too hard or too fast as you have what it takes to come out of this, do not sabotage yourself. Take this slow and steady and you will do well.

[batgirl]

Yes that's a good idea veiled. I have been feeling much worse. Last night was nightmares galore... blech. After this morning I think I will be taking a break from the board for a couple of days.

[batgirl]

Well obviously I didn't take that break as I was on the chat today. But after the chat I totally crashed and burned. I feel exhausted and freaked out. So I think I will be taking that break afterall. See you guys again in a couple of days!

[anthony]

Have some good rest batgirl... take it easy on yourself, your just getting into things, don't rush it.

[reallydown]

Hi batgirl, hope you manage to get some rest.

I've been feeling like that lately too...though not because of the forum...just the crap that's going on.

[batgirl]

Thanks everyone. Well I took 2 days off, although I peeked at the forum yesterday but only stayed on for 5 minutes and didn't post anything or read much. The time off, even though it was short, really made a difference. My mood actually lifted quite a bit, I felt a lot more hopeful about things, and I had a good sleep last night... that doesn't happen very often. Not sure I'm ready to feel blah again yet, but I'm back...just for a short time this morning, though. I'm quite busy today with other obligations and I don't want to push it.

[JoannaG]

Be patient with yourself Batgirl
Babysteps, and have faith in yourself
Take all the time you need. When your ready we'll be here for you

[anthony]

Batgirl, you have the right approach now. When your here on this forum, you are constantly being triggered, and even for myself, it has an impact at times if I spend too much time on here, instead of breaking things up with other activities or interests. You could think of this forum like a working week. You go to work for 5 days, then you have the weekend to unwind and relax. The forum is the same. If you spend time on here during the weekends, then you take two days off during the week, where you have no forum time.

Exactly as you found, it actually gives your mind time to process information, relax and just take the edge off. It allows your mind to analyse what has gone in, instead of constantly being bombarded with information. It is a sure fire way for you to recover well... just like work, just like alcohol, this forum should have two forum free days. I do.

[batgirl]

Thanks Joanna and anthony. Yes I'm discovering I really need breaks. It's really nice to know the forum is here though when I want it.

[beatle_bailey]

Hi Batgirl

I glad you feel a bit better ,,, If you've read some of my last couple of Post and responces from Anthony you may be a little nervess ,,
But it is alright to be that way ,,, You see I to surpressed a lot of menory's ,, In fact I drank all my feeling away for many years ,, then with no help from the med community I got sober ,, Which ment I was dealing with my PTSD at the same time ,, Plus AIDs and Hep-C dyignosis ,, it was excrusheating but the best thing I ever did ,, I was an Air Bonre Ranger in the army ,, and some people say thats tuff well that was a cake walk compared to fixing my head ,,, But I say again I say It was the best thing I ever did I have had 15 years bring up my daughter Robin , who is now 21 and as well rounded as any young lady can be ,, this site may make your jurney a lot quicker than mine was but I can not say less painful ,,
I can only tell you what I went thru ofcorse but ,, I will always speek the truth ,, I do hope this day is a better one for you Batgirl
hope we can be buddies
Beatle http://www.ptsdforum.org/images/icons/icon7.gif

[batgirl]

Hi Batgirl

I glad you feel a bit better ,,, If you've read some of my last couple of Post and responces from Anthony you may be a little nervess ,,

Why would I be nervous? What did you say? Where are these posts lol? I probably haven't looked at that thread, because I'm not sure what you're talking about.

Thanks though. I was feeling better for a while, I'm kind of out of it again now, ever since I talked to my uncle and aunt. I really shouldn't be on here, should be doing something else, but we have a huge snowstorm, started late this morning, and as a result I'm stuck inside. It will likely last about 24-36 hours. It's funny, I'm not a very sociable person, but I DO like going outside several times a day, even when it's cold, so the storm is making me a bit restless.

I was an Air Bonre Ranger in the army ,,

Is that similar to the Canadian Rangers? They mostly patrol the Arctic and far north areas. One of my uncles did that for a while.

Thanks for the kind words Beatle and glad to hear your daughter is doing so well.

[beatle_bailey]

hello Batgirl
how did you weather th snow storm ,, I still like to go out in the storms ,, Just better dressed now ,, The stomrs in my head get right to blizard strengh somtimes ,, I might be finding how to stay ahead of the bild up ,, I thing I got a snow blower in my heads tool pile ,, { people to talk to } :brrr: hope you are warm By now :hello:

[batgirl]

Wow funny you should ask about the storm, Beatle, you must be psychic haha. We didn't have power for almost 24 hours!! No power = no heat. And it's -30. Luckily I have a fireplace so we had it going constantly and slept in front of it. The power is back on now thank god.

You like going out in storms? Make sure you tie a rope to the house though, and the other end to you, so you can find your way back lol. At least, with the storm we had, visibility was pretty much zero, and it's dangerous to go out walking... you can get lost and then freeze to death. I know what you mean, I love thunderstorms myself, including being out in them.

You are lucky to have a snowblower. The physical work is a lot less for sure!

Anyways nice to hear from you again. :)

[kimG]

We bought a snowblower this past summer (got a really good deal on it) and now I know there's no way in hell it'll snow this winter....:brrr:

[reallydown]

LOL Kim

Batgirl, it snowed here too...and yeah, froze my rear end off too...but now it seems like it's melting yaaay

[beatle_bailey]

Hello Bat Girl
I had a ruff day yesturday with the memories ,, but I
finally found my way out of myself ,, what a releaf,,
I was out in the middle of the blizzards of 1978 that hit New England , but I was in my own hood so was never worried of getting lost ,, Yes I love the storms , or most things that are exciting ,
an Airborne Ranger is not like the canadian ranger , but I would love to have done that kind of thing ,,, always love the outdoors , grew up in the woods ,, But a Ranger is a speicle unit like Navy Seals or Green Beraih,,
I use to teach survival classes in the Army and even learned as a kid the dangers of nature ,,
Do you have power back yet ,, and are you still staying warm ,,
I wish you a nice day ,, :thumbs-up
Ps The snowblower was a meddifore
By for now

[batgirl]

Hello Bat Girl
an Airborne Ranger is not like the canadian ranger , but I would love to have done that kind of thing ,,, always love the outdoors , grew up in the woods ,, But a Ranger is a speicle unit like Navy Seals or Green Beraih,,

Oh lol are you meaning a forest ranger? That's not what I mean. The ranger that my uncle was is a part of the army or navy, not sure which, and they patrol the Arctic Circle. So it sounds kind of similar to your rangers actually.

Do you have power back yet ,, and are you still staying warm ,,
I wish you a nice day ,, :thumbs-up
Ps The snowblower was a meddifore
By for now

Yeah we've had power back for a while now, but I haven't been online much. Hope you are doing well. :)