Don't Know What To Do! Communications and PTSD

[somaliaspouse]

hello my name is paul, i have ptsd from serving overseas with the defence force. my wife is a member of this forum so i thought i should give it a go aswell.i finished work two years ago and i think it was for the best sometimes im not so sure(loved my job) i thought everything was fine in my house until i went away to look after my mum,my wife relized how more relaxing life was without me there,she rang and told me which shattered me.my wife talks to people from my car club online,its just talking but she feels she can open up to them as they dont get angry like me,i have been going through a time thinking its more than talking but thats all it is,i love my wife very much and i know she loves me,has anyone else had a similar situation,and how did you handle it?. cheers paul. my wife is somalia spouse.

[YoungAndAngry]

Welcome to the forum Paul,

I know that I definatly make my spouses life more "interesting" because of my PTSD. One of the hardest and most important things to do is communicate with our partners.

[Kerrie-Ann]

Hi Paul,

Welcome to the forum. I am Anthony's wife (you will see a number of my posts here) and many of them talking to other spouses or simply highlighting the difficulties that I have with Anthony. Communication is one of the bigger things that bites me on the butt about Anthony. Lets face it, most guys aren't the biggest communicators generally, black/white, grunt or nod usually is the sum total of contributions to discussions. I suggest that Kym is simply chatting to the people on your car club for support. We girls need to talk and not always to our spouses, although it would be nice to be able to from time to time. It is probably just her way of getting things of her chest and in reality its a good thing that she does. As a support person of someone with PTSD it can be very hard, isolating and lonely if you allow yourself to live without talking to others. Anthony will be able to put a better spin on things from the blokes perspective but that would be pretty much it from Kym's, I would imagine.

One other thing that will make it harder for her is if she knew you before you had PTSD. I didn't know Anthony, although he was undiagnosed until 2003, he was always a little odd. Things only escalated for us dramatically after he did a return deployment os, kind of like one wasn't enough, so lets give you another to reinforce it.

So, yes we are in a similiar situation to you but like Anthony says many times on this forum, it is kind of irrelevant how you got PTSD...........the fact is that you have it and you have to learn to live with it. How do we deal with it? Its a struggle, daily, but we are starting to find our own feet as a couple there. We used to work in opposition to one another and that just created chaos for us, horrible to live in and very stressful. Not what you need if you have PTSD and not nice for the spouse either. The best thing we ever did was do that PTSD course together. Anyhow Paul, there is a heap of information on this forum and lots of various experiences dealing with PTSD. Please browse, ask questions and vent as you need to.

[anthony]

Hi Paul, welcome along mate. Experienced the same? Absolutely. Kerrie-Ann could certainly tell you all about it... actually, she has already posted all that here already to others. She's not shy in exposing me for who I can be at times.

Still in Townsville ha? I bet that has an impact on you all the time! I know it did with me after I got out, and even when I returned. Blackhawks flying on the roof tops, military everywhere... it was like I couldn't escape it. I felt I was back on operations again, every day just about. I know moving to Melbourne has certainly done a hell off a lot in that aspect of things.

You can now see the PTSD forum, for those with PTSD, as I just gave you access. This is for those times when you don't want your spouse or anyone actually, who doesn't have PTSD to see what you say. Sometimes we just need to chat amongst ourselves... so please feel free to unload anything you don't want to share with the general public.

Have you done the PTSD course? I assume your TPI.

[Shadow]

Welcome, I hope we can help.

[somaliaspouse]

thanks for the welcome and advice guys.i havent done the course yet but my shrink is recomending my wife and i to attend one soon,ive been on tpi for three years this november but i was diagnosed in 1999. I dont mind staying in townsville because im close to my mates and i can keep up to date with my battalion,and i dont know about anyone else but i would get back in if i was able to. once again thanks for your advice so far look forward to talking again.

[Kerrie-Ann]

Paul, as Anthony and I have highlighted, the course will be of significant benefit to you and Kym. It really is good to have people to chat to, who understand and are not judgemental. Believe me, it is not just those with PTSD who are being judged. You would not believe the amount of times that I have been questioned as to why I am still with Anthony after all of the b/s. Some of it is genuine concern but sometimes it is just plain interferring.

If Townsville is an alright location for you and doesn't trigger your PTSD then that's cool. You've mentioned a couple of mates, who I gather know about your PTSD and are supportive. If that's where you are comfortable, that's a good thing. It just wasn't for Anthony. We would have the Blackhawks flying over, doing their usual night ops (etc) and Anthony and would get really frustrated with it. The fact that I am still in the military and we lived in Idalia (Fairfield Waters) only a stones throw from the base didn't help either. So we are in Melbourne now, I rarely bring my kit home (I even wash and iron it at work) and that seems to have eased some of his stress. Anyhow take care, chat soon.

[anthony]

Yer, I don't know if I would get back in or not now. What I do know, is that if I didn't have PTSD, well... then I would still be in the military now. But everything is different now, and honestly, I think my life is taking far better turns nowadays, with or without PTSD, and I believe I have much more interesting things to pursue as a result of leaving the Army.

I remember when I joined, as I had been an electrician for 7 1/2 years when I finally made the change, and even going from one secure job to another made me feel pretty nervous... as it does with most. Finding you feet I guess. I felt the same when leaving the Army, but I must say, I don't think I would go back now. I miss the mateship and fun we had, but I must say I really do enjoy staying with my family more now, and being part of my childrens life again, as we tend not to be when in the military.

[somaliaspouse]

ys i understand xactly what your saying

[lizagirl]

Welcome to the forum. It is hard communicating with someone when you don't understand what is going on yourself. My therapist suggested a letter. I found it easier, something to try. It is harder to explain what is going on when your own guilt for PTSD gets in the way as you look at those you love. I myself found it easier to write it down when the other person wasn't standing in front of me. Kinda like we do here. You know you have their full attention when they read, no questions to answer as you speak, you get out what you need to say. I find when I speak, even though the topic is important, I never actually get to say what I really think. When I write the words come so easily, all the things I should have said get where they need to be. Kinda like writing a "to do" list, a journal of thought. Cause even if you don't put it out there right away..you feel better. For me it is a way of putting some sense to what I am feeling at the time. It was probably one of the best peices of advice my therapist gave me. It is not easy living with PTSD, as you have written you also understand that it is even harder for someone who doesn't have it live with someone who does.

[somaliaspouse]

it looks like ill be moving out so well see what happens after that,i said before that if i could get back in i would,well im really starting to hate the a.d.f for this,when i was in a contact overseas at least i had some control over what was happening,at the moment i feel so helpless to change the situation, im wondering if everyone would be happier if i just disappeared into the distance.

[lizagirl]

What you're feeling isn't so strange...it is hard to see where you're going when all you see is the places you've been. We've all felt this way at different points...the proverbial "high days and low days" Trust me, in your mind disappearing always seems like the best solution, ask anyone here, but it is a remedy that will not cure the problem. Do as we have all done, with a hard personal struggle, stay true to yourself, keep your strength that you know you have. It is one point in time, one point in many to come. Try to hold onto hope, if only hope for a better future. If you have trouble holding on, we're all here, Anthony and Kerrie Ann are great sounding boards, Heck, we're all good. Write it down here...vent if you need to, but PLEASE, don't give up.

[anthony]

Mate, sorry to hear that. I know what your saying, except when I divorced, it was my doing, not my ex-wifes. I felt what your feeling, except I was still in the army at that stage, and with PTSD, its just I didn't know why I was drinking myself stupid and smoking like a chimney.

I thought disappearing would make everything better for me also, but it didn't, nor for anyone who was concerned about me.

Is there still chance for resolution?

My wife now was nearly ready to boot me when my life was upside down, but she gave me an alternative, where either I get out, or I get help. I took the help road, and here I am today. Maybe if you talk with your wife about getting help, follow it through, and show her that you care about her by careing about yourself. You get better from the worst of PTSD, generally so do relationships.

[somaliaspouse]

i hope so we have alot of family and friends concerned about the two of us so with their support we should get through this with the help of the course,which i have heard very good things about so am very keen.

[anthony]

Paul, get onto Martha Landman at the PTSD center in Heatley, as you won't get straight on, as courses are generally booked one or two ahead, so that means it could take you 2 - 6 months before getting onto the course. The sooner you speak with her, the sooner you can get the ball rolling. VVCS can give you her number or just go out and see them. They are generally more than happy to have you drop in for a coffee and a chat.

[somaliaspouse]

thank mate ill get on it today for sure.

[YoungAndAngry]

Keep in there! Don't give up!

[somaliaspouse]

getting on to the course soon but i needed something straight away as things are getting pretty bad.well i saw a councilor today and i feel on top of the world faced a few demons and got them out of my system and its all good. it looks like the marriage problems are on their way to being solved and i couldnt be happier.i havent felt this good since falling in love with kim.
thanks for your help and support everyone but its a long road so ill talk to you again. cheers paul.

[YoungAndAngry]

good luck! I'm so happy things are going good for you today!

[Jen]

I am a spouse I went and saw a councillor today that VVCS in Townsville referred me to felt good to get few things of my chest to someone outside of friends and family.
Felt it was very worth while will be going to see him for few more weeks.
Jen

[anthony]

Good stuff Paul, bloody well done mate. I know myself the feeling of actually not losing a relationship when its at its worst, so this is really great news. Walked this path myself, and I was so glad also when I finally did get that much needed help. It was worth its weight in gold... especially the PTSD course itself. Man, did that thing ever save me from another divorce. Whewww..

Jen, good stuff. Glad to hear that you are getting counselled also. How is hubby doing? Its great that you both are seeking professional help with this, as it really does make things easier during initial stages.

You will both work out, that once you have been through counselling, PTSD courses, anger management courses, lifestyle courses, etc etc, you need to learn, learn, learn everything you can, apply what you have been given through professional help, then research and apply that. This is the only way to get on top of PTSD. Knowledge is key, then applying that knowledge is the hard bit... but very achievable if you want to make a better life for yourself and your family.

Congrats to you both... well done. Say hi to VVCS and the PTSD folk for me!

[somaliaspouse]

thanks heaps yeah my wife and i have a long way to go,i asked her yesterday if she was back to being truly happy,she said she was close so im over the moon,
just the thing to keep you going.

[Jen]

Hi Anthony things are getting a bit better slowly but surely, he stills seems a bit down. There seems to be remorse as well but things are better than what they were a couple of weeks ago. Its been a while since he has smiled I need to get a really funny video :smile: any ideas?
Jen

[anthony]

Get him a good Australian comedy, like CrackerJack or something like that...

[somaliaspouse]

try the late show dvds they are made by the same mob that did crackerjack

[livelysue]

Hi Paul,

I understand where you are coming from. I have PTSD and it was rough on my marriage because I did not understand it and my husband could not fathom it. He wanted me back they way I was when we first met. In the midst of all this another trauma happened and we stopped communicating. We are separated now and everyday I want to repair what was lost but know until I heal emotionally and can cope with the symptoms of PTSD that I will not be able to restore the relationship with my husband. He also has had an affair in the midst of all this.

I have joined EA-Emotions Anonymous recently and am working through the 12 step program which is similar to AA's 12 Step Program. This is putting me on the path to emotional health something I have never truly known. Please express to your wife how you are truly feeling and do not push her away even if you feel you do not want to burden her. This will cause more problems than you really now. Remember the road to recovery does not happen over night it takes time and there will be valleys and mountains until you are healed. Help your wife and yourself to discover what is beneath the pain and agony by communication.

You have come to right place to seek help and understanding. Remember healing takes time. Take it one day at a time.

[somaliaspouse]

thanks livelysue,i have thought long and hard about this,and i think i may have stuffed up,but as soon as my lovely wife wakes up ill appologise and hopefully that will help.

[somaliaspouse]

nope no good at all.
looks like its back to moving out but we have four great kids to think about

[anthony]

nope no good at all.
looks like its back to moving out but we have four great kids to think about

Geez mate... that turned around again pretty quick. What went to shit this time? It really isn't going to be an easy ride, but I think you both know that from what Kim has spoken about on here....