Sick ‘N’ Tired of being Sick ‘N’ Tired –Gotta Get It Out!

[goingonhope]

Wow! Where do I begin? So overwhelmed and loaded down with too much at present. Got through something terrible this morning and managing to cope at the moment.

Here goes present time story: Tues. day went to Optha. appt. in big city. Husband with his tensions, the police needing to get by, sirens, many interrupt. in convers. from kids, general city stress and difficulty finding parking and office had me stressed, edgy and hypervigilant. Managed to cope fairly well despite it all and left appt. having sched. a vitrectomy on my left eye, for Dec. Given there is risk involved and eye surgery frightens me and husband. Husband does not yet know how to be emot. be supportive in times of need, I am emot. alone in this, but know that I must follow-thru never-the-less.

Yesterday, I awoke phys. sick and in pain on the whole Rt. sd. of my head and throat. I’ve prev. read a post where batgirl uses the term “poor perceiver,” Well, if that’s what I think it is…me too. So I uncons. minimized the pain, ‘felt the pain’ and got through yest., still sick but fell asleep early. Also, yest. Was my 1st day, nic. patch, no cigg’s; Likewise, today’s my 2nd.

Upon awakening this morning a frightening, stressful, overwhelming experience of utter sickness and phys. collapse. Of course, my PTSD jollies in taking advantage when I am phys. ill and runs it’s course. Now I’m amazed with my ability to sit here right now and be able to think, concentrate and type at app. 9am after what I exper. From 5:15am to 7am.

Here’s that story: 1st to awake this morning. I awoke in serious pain in right side of head, (glands, behind jaw, right eye and ear and temple). Unable to think clearly, know what to do and function. In time I managed to get 2 Motrin into me. After husb. awoke he recomend. 2 more Motrin. But, before the orig. 2 Motrin took affect. I was depleted of all energy and barely able to move. I both sat and stood in pain, compl. unable to think a single thought at this point, unable to act or budge. I was in much pain, having to cope with this alone and with tears rolling down my face. Husb. was glancing my way every so often, but not saying anything. And then the worse pain developed in the form of enormous pressure in the back of my skull and neck. I found a way of reaching back, kind of bracing, stretching and holding neck and skull up while standing, feet firmly planted, rocking left to right, crying, quivering 97% unable to think, and releasing much fear. This went on for quite a while and though my 6 yr. old son was now awake and witnessing my condition, there was nothing I could say or do to pretend. At one point after asking if I was O.K. he invited me into the living room to sit with him and his father and he provided me with a blanket. While sitting and still in great pain, I envisioned what would relieve this pain, me lying on my back on a bare metal slab. Of course then, and for the moment, I realized that death apparently looked quite welcoming to me if only I could wake up from it at some point. I took more Motrin and it slowly controlled my phys. illness over the next hr. Husb. went off to work with very little said. I imagine he felt he must as Tues. he stayed home for Optham. appt. and again on Wed. as son had allergist appt. simultan. w/ teacher conf. He has 8wks of family sick time on record and will take 1 wk in Dec. when I have surgery. Before meeting and marrying me 9+ yrs. ago, he NEVER took sick time, vac., comp., pers. free days allotted him, NOTHING! He didn’t point this out to me, I discov. this.

My point in writing all this is that I’m going to need someplace to get out all my daily stresses as I march forward in my healing process and I may as well start somewhere. I Am Sick ‘N’ Tired of Being Sick ‘N’ Tired. We’ve all heard this before, but in fact these are the perfect words to truly describe where I’m at in my life.

I can’t go on in this health I’m ..(not in) and hope to live much longer. My husb., children, and I don’t deserve this unnecessary suffering. Yes, life will bring grief, loss and suffering, however in my life I’ve been set forth in destruction (a process of suicide,) (and always unable to get my desire, PTSD knowledge of, and PTSD & life managing and coping skills working collectively), for far too many years and despite many honest efforts. (Well intentioned, or not.) I simply did not have the Knowledge, Trauma Healing Process, and consistent Acceptance, and Resources available to do anything other than blot out the reality of my intolerable Mental and Physical PTSD (primary & secondary) condition(s).

In hindsight I can see where my parents child rearing and my growing up process, has been rather my parents sacrificing me and arranging to suit me for their collective, their borg. Definition of a borg as I see it: Many captured indiv., then broken down, corrupted & brain-washed. Extens. of one mind…one mission. That one mind & mission being that of none other than a self-appointed, pathetic, moronic, murderous being. Sounds like the f’n devil huh? Well, that exactly how the chief culprits and force resulting in my traumatic and debilitating exper.’s are perceived by me, at this time.

Enough for me right now, as perhaps I might lose complete touch with the present, transported back in time, and swallowed the f*#! up. It’s hard to admit that I think and feel this way as I can be very self-judgemental, but if there’s any hope of healing I minus well continue on with the truth.

[Boo-Damphir]

I'm really glad you feel that you can come to this forum and unload a little bit. Hopefully you were able to gain a little peace after putting all those emotions on "cyber paper."
We're here for eachother...

[goingonhope]

Hopefully you were able to gain a little peace after putting all those emotions on "cyber paper."

...I was Boo, I was. I most certainly was able to gain some peace and clearer thinking.

I'm now feeling some hatred, I know where it ought to be directed. It's a feeling that can only be felt and gotten through with good actions on my part. Most definately wise actions...and nothing directed toward anyone nor the people it's due: those self-appointed, pathetic, moronic, murderous predators, who abused me and family members I loved. As long as I acknowledge my now present feeling I'll be able to get past it without hurting anyone's feelings. As far as the phys. illness goes, Motrin is presently relieveing much pain.

[anthony]

Ahhhhh.... now your talking Hope. Now your starting to get the shits with it all, which means you will force yourself into wanting to heal completely, instead of putting up with this shit in a constant life cycle to the point of wiping you out. Sure, your going to have PTSD your entire life now, and you will have cycles throughout, ups and downs as such, but those downs can certainly be minimised to fu*kall when healed and learnt how to manage PTSD.

I am seriously liking where your moving now Hope... please keep going for your own benefit.

[goingonhope]

It was a nice morning. Had an opportunity to help children study for spelling test in addition to all the rest. Daughter was excited and feeling confidant and competent when she left for school. Always nice to see.

Found previous writings of years gone by. I didn’t know I had any of this writing still. Thought I had thrown it out or lost it all, OTY. Reading it caused some anxiety, so I set it aside for now. It’s discovery, however, and my reading some of it, resulted in my newest creative idea, plus it created the necessity for me to take care of some chores and hard work around the house, as I don’t want to expend too much mental energy, invite too many emotions and unnecessarily burden myself and family. So I find phys. work mandatory and a way of coping at times.

Striving to bring family, respons., healing and pers. goals in balance ea. day now. Having perfectionist compulsions, I’ll have to settle for the best I can do and regardless of any expect. placed upon me, my pers. conviction is: “I know I’m doing the very best, I can possibly do at this time, and I know this will fluctuate more or less on any given day.” No longer need to deny this. This is a self-esteem thing for me, because I’ve often allowed others to determine my self-worth, by how much I please them. And, I’ve also felt provoked into great frustration when I’m doing everything within power to please, and being told ISMW, I’m failing. I don’t think it’s in our, (husb. families & me) best interest for me to allow myself to be and remain flooded with too much memory and emotion, I am willing to be honest enough to keep goingonhope, confronting and pacing myself forward. (Not suggesting that anyone else thinks it's in our best interest to do this either) / (my fear & insec. is trying to interfere w/ me expressing myself and simply posting).

3rd day on nic. patch. Hoping to find new (never before contemplated)ideas for coping, living and perform. req. juggling act.

Does anyone have any ideas as to natural or holistic ways in which we encourage things like increased energy/health, motivation, healing through our actions (in addition to our therapies).

Any ideas on some things that are viable that we can we put into our bodies to create a natural mind and mood altering affect, when our anxiety and/or other intense PTSD emotions are gearing up and threaten to cripple? You see for many years, I’ve always resorted to something.

Wrote what I did earlier, 2 hrs. ago to be precise and got this out and had to go someplace and now I’ve returned and I feel great in that I’m feeling good about myself today, and 95% of the feelings are positive (highly unusual). However, I’m either naturally high, manic or somehow accid. ingesting too much nicotine in the form of patch. I’m feeling racy and feel like I need to calm down. Maybe a late lunch will do it.

Ahhhhh.... now your talking Hope.
...you know Anthony this can be perceived 2 ways. The 1st time I understood it as you calling me by my forum username...the 2nd time, as if you're making the statement, 'Now you're talking hope.' I like that. ...coool.

Anxious right now as I have 6 min. to post and get back out the door.

[goingonhope]

I feel great in that I’m feeling good about myself today, and 95% of the feelings are positive (highly unusual).

Well that's good, yesterday was the other extreme. 85% of my feelings sucked. I wanted to push everyone away and be by myself. I lost my temper and I was way too tired. Aunt was over visiting and she went so far as to slip and say I was neglecting her. She had offered to buy pizza for the family and I suggested, why doesn't she take her nephew (which is my husb.), our kids and son's playdate out to the pizza place instead. They'all went and though I felt somewhat sad, I was glad. This is what freed out time for me to join in the group chat and learn how it works. When aunt and family returned home, boy was she surprised to find me in a much better mood, and glad. (5th day wo cigg and pleased)

[cookie]

5 days! congratulations! good job!

[goingonhope]

5 days! congratulations! good job!
About 180 cigg's less I didn't have to smoke. Feeling phys. better. Everything makes more sense. Sometimes quite painful sense, but more sense. My self-esteem has increased some in last 6 wks. and more in last 5 days. Actually showered, dressed up, did my hair, make-up the whole works. Went out with my husb. tonight, not out on the town or anything, but out NTL. Have hope in that I'm not anticipating suddenly dropping dead. Since I have been so addictively smoking, not smoking, makes doing this trauma work make more sense. One of the things husb. and said 3wks. ago was what good is it that you spend your time willing to confront your trauma if you smoke yourself to death, prematurely. And, it wasn't so much the quanity of cigg's in comparison, more or less my already deteriorating health. 39 yrs. old and the last few yrs. walking and playing with kids a constant struggle for breath...waking up nauses... hacking... the works. Not pleasant to listen to if you're a kid. I remember having to do so with most members of my family, and couldn't stand it. Don't know what I'm going to do when I start reading my diary again tomorrow more regularly and continuing. Suspect I'll feel much, and knowing me, feeling intense and deeply. Would like to kick this whole PTSD thing in the ass though, more than anything, so long as I can cont. to be here for my children and husb., which I'm trusting that I can.

And, THX cookie.

[goingonhope]

Something has dawned on me in the last 5 min. before going to bed. At the very least, I have spent the last two decades pushing people away and out of my life all because I couldn't believe the good that others would say about me, (instantly disregarded all and any of it) and my own self-esteem and perception was so shot and distorted. Just moments before attempting to go to bed, I feel so very sad.

[anthony]

Hope, well done with the cigs. I must say though, the hard stuff is yet to start with the kicking the habit... I think it usually gets tough around the 3 - 5 week mark, when the nicotine is actually withdrawing from your system itself... damn withdrawals. Good luck with this, and I know you have it in you to beat the cigs. Well done and know I am rooting for you...

[goingonhope]

Found previous writings of years gone by. I didn’t know I had any of this writing still. Thought I had thrown it out or lost it all, OTY.
Stupid, stupid, stupid f'n me. Picking and choosing what to accomplish this morning, as I have many many chooses and so I come across these writings again, and just know I have to get these tucked away someplace safe, and so before doing so I figure I'll take a glance in these envelopes and read a little, and glance at the pictures. All a big f'n mistake as now my anxiety is very high. It's like I've situated myself now, that I've accidentally allowed some internal door to be unlocked and swung open. I'm envisioning a door that had previously locked-up and hid my consciousness of my traumas behind it. Now I'm fck'd because it all wants out at the same time. It's like it's making a hell'a'va lot of noise smashing and banging upon this door. I can feel it all in my chest. I'm trying to do what's right, a little at a time. But my chest feels like I'd get much relief if someone would only toss me down to the floor, rest their large foot upon my chest and apply signif. pressure. Oh' no I'm not going any further with this as I can almost see who, when and where before my eyes. The hell with this, I'm just going to hang in there and very carefully and strategically attempt to pull my attention back to the present. I can hear myself now thinking bad of myself for being in this f'n pathetic state of mind right now and not being more available for others.

[JoannaG]

The opening that door again scares the hell out of me too Hope. I am amazed what you have accomplished with the quitting smoking. Be proud of yourself for that.
Exposing yourself to all those writings at this point wow. Mine are still stored in my barn and don't know if I am strong enough to do it at this point.
I am impressed you had the courage to try.
I am sure Anthony and others will have some helpfull advice for you. Be kind and patient to yourself. I think you have been doing great.

[anthony]

Hope, whilst this may seem like a bad thing, it is more likely a good thing. Now the door is open, lets deal with it hey?

[Boo-Damphir]

Something has dawned on me in the last 5 min. before going to bed. At the very least, I have spent the last two decades pushing people away and out of my life all because I couldn't believe the good that others would say about me, (instantly disregarded all and any of it) and my own self-esteem and perception was so shot and distorted. Just moments before attempting to go to bed, I feel so very sad.
I think it's terrific that you were able to recall this thought before going to bed and now talk about it! It's often as we unwind before sleep that our conscious gives way to the unconscious.
Two decades is a very long time, but not so long as to be unmanageable. I don't know that we ever get comfortable with others giving us compliments, but at the very least, smile and say "Thanks." You are not being conceited.
I think the most important exercise for improving your self esteem is to use the "yes, but..." reply to any negative self talk you are doing.
Here's an example of stuff that plays in my head:
(-) "You have been so lazy lately, not even getting dressed!"
(+) "yes, but I'm dressed now and have already done a load of laundry"
Try it and see if it doesn't help you feel better!

[goingonhope]

I think the most important exercise for improving your self esteem is to use the "yes, but..." reply to any negative self talk you are doing.
Here's an example of stuff that plays in my head:
(-) "You have been so lazy lately, not even getting dressed!"
(+) "yes, but I'm dressed now and have already done a load of laundry"
Try it and see if it doesn't help you feel better!
I had hoped to come home, re-read and practice this tonight Boo, with some of my examples as I read your post earlier and think it can be a very useful tool. Thank you. Will be taking a closer look at it tommorrow again when my brain is clear.

Tonight I'm suffering, and I just feeling like weeping. I listened to something tonight that really upset me. And, it's just kind of cluttered up my thoughts. I'm so frustrated with myself right now, as I just can't seem to think straight. I don't feel comfortable writing about it here, and I can't really think straight to know where to write about it, or how to say it. I'm finding myself staring into space and it feels like something just not working properly in my brain. I'll try to say it here but this is hard. A man said tonight that he once was going to fire his employee bc his attitude sucked. He went on to say that a women had been beaten to death by her husb. and his employee claimed he knew why, claiming it was because the woman drove him to it. And, he the employer had a much better attitude on this. Whatever....I could care less right now, all I know is I heard this and my brains not working now and I'm very very sad. I hate this f'n kind of attitude. I hate these people. I hate f'n morons. I was beaten almost to death by some f'n piece of sh#t, low-life piece of f'n sh*#. And, I hate her. I hate her so f'n much right now. And she spoke so proud, so damn proud. I'm balling my eyes out right in front of a comp. and I feel like a damb fool. Gonna go curl up.

[goingonhope]

Be kind and patient to yourself. I think you have been doing great.
Joanna thank you so much for these words of wisdom. I read your post again this morning and between you and Boo you've both helping me a great deal this morning get through what it is, I'm going through. Exposed some nasty trauma last night that is now causing me deep distress. I've been struggling this morning not to lose what feels like consciousness and to stay strong and at least half present as my anxiety have been trying to take control and call the shots.

Boo, that exercise works great. I imagine it will continue to as I continue. Thanks much!

Here's my efforts this morning, and giving life all I've got today as I do my best to do what's right for me, and most naturally my family.

Negative to the Positive:

I must be crazy! ...
• No, not really, given the trauma I've survived, in fact I'm remarkably normal.

My mother must have been right all along. I must be evil and rotten. ...
• Well, in fact, I'm motivated by good and I continue to have the desire to be good, and I'm forever willing to do my best to always improve my behavior and character. I must really be a good person. The people who've told me otherwise always seem to have some hidden agenda(s).

I am so f'n mean looking right now. ...
• Yes, I may look mean to some right now, but to others I appear as I really am, deeply distressed. This is all part of the human condition. I can Welcome myself again, as I'm truly alive and accept that my distress, revealed all over my face this morning, is in fact nothing more than deep pain that wants to find its way up and out. I will again be able to smile!

My anger last night toward my sister and toward people who justify viscious abuse and violence, reveals that I am nothing but mean or no damn good. ...
• No, rather it reveals that I am very much human and not the object that many would've liked me to believe I am.

[Marlene]

Hope,

Those are great! I've always heard that we are our own harshest judge and can be our own worst enemy when it comes to tearing ourselves down. I know that I'm bad for doing that. When it's your voice that you hear in your head that's doing the talking, it's harder to tune out and harder to discount. After all, who knows all of our dark places better than we do?

Boo, this exercise is something I'm definately going to try. When I realize that I'm putting myself down, I'm going to try and change it something positive. Of course, this may take a mental 2x4 upside the head to make it sink it. LOL But ya gotta start somewhere.

[goingonhope]

"yes, but..." reply to any negative self talk you are doing.

Hey! what do you know, I just looked, apparently even closer, and saw that your example Boo is a "yes, but..." reply. Next time I'll try it this way as originally suggested. :hello:

[goingonhope]

Negative to Postive:

"I have been so willing and ambitious, and so fed up with the dissociation (compartmentalization of self) Whew! and with my abrupt outbursts of my past pains & anguish disrupting my present daily life and that of those I love and want to love, forever and daily. I have been so deeply encouraged to get on with my work of healing from a life-time of trauma(s), that I am actively engaged in my own healing to such a point that other business in being temp. put on the back burner." "I must being doing something terribly wrong! :naughty: :think: :naughty:
yes, but I feel alive again, I have hope. Life's worth living, I feel good about the people in this world again, I'm much more interesting and less stone-faced, I can more often approach people and chat, I have some say and control over when my shit comes out and when it doesn't, I can actually approach and look women in the eye and listen with sincerity. After all is said and done, life can be fascinating and good.

[goingonhope]

Hope,

Those are great! I've always heard that we are our own harshest judge and can be our own worst enemy when it comes to tearing ourselves down. I know that I'm bad for doing that. When it's your voice that you hear in your head that's doing the talking, it's harder to tune out and harder to discount. After all, who knows all of our dark places better than we do?

Boo, this exercise is something I'm definately going to try. When I realize that I'm putting myself down, I'm going to try and change it something positive. Of course, this may take a mental 2x4 upside the head to make it sink it. LOL But ya gotta start somewhere.
That's it Marlene, you've said it....I've been told many, many times in my life that I'm my own worst enemy. You relate, huh.

Marlene have you tried Boo's "yes, but reply" yet? Now don't forget it....we get so busy in our lives that it's those new, helpful suggestions that our hard to follow. I find myself, continually falling backwards into ineffective habits, or just plain........default.

Feel threatened today by my anxiety, just taking off and taking me with it for a whirl. Families affected there's no doubt about this. Can fear I'm in a no-win situation at times. Life's just piling up. Tend to lose track of space and time when I pay attention to myself. Sometimes, just feel as though I should go back to completely forgetting myself and busying myself with the millions of life sh*# that presents itself. I'll say, I don't want to really do this, and thus far I won't, but the pressure from my husband, and now me to quit and "Get on, with the more important aspects of life." (house, home, husb., kids, family), is just overwhelming and seems so f'n unneccessary. Those respons. are not unnec., they're very imp., it's just that why burden me down with guilt and life's fear's and anxieties, when I'm already loaded down. I'd get everything down, and please everyone much more effectively, if our family could just accept reality, have faith and minus all the X'tra baggage: Guilt.....Fear's......Anxieties. I've been very effective (off & on) at accomplishing much and I believe I've spoiled my husband. Now this is not a good thing, but I've worked non-stop, hrs. upon hrs, no food or water, barely breaking for a cigg., multi-tasking, hard labor in the exhaust. heat, day after day, until extend. family have highly recomm. I stop, bc to them it looked as if I'd have a heart attack or drop right there before them. ........oh' then if I'm off which was a lot less frequent, I'd collapse, unable to think, feel, care, move, whatever...................

Apoligize to everyone for what feels like shameful, self-absorption, these days.

Best sugg. I can offer today is.....Whatever you're doing that works to bring you closer to your success, keep doing it.............and whatever you're doing that is interfering with your success.....stop it! :crazy: LOL

Anthony, pointed out something that I'd never considered before. That being, re-evaluating my definition of success and deciding what's success for me. Apparently, I've been kind'of hanging on to societies and other people's definition of success, and it's not working well for me.

Wish I knew a funny-a.s joke right now, so I'd lighten up a little bit.

Someone,....Won't anyone please, have a nice cold beer.... :occasion: ....for me right now? No make that two or three....:crazy-eye ...!

[Marlene]

Marlene have you tried Boo's "yes, but reply" yet? Now don't forget it....we get so busy in our lives that it's those new, helpful suggestions that our hard to follow. I find myself, continually falling backwards into ineffective habits, or just plain........default.

Default...yeah, I know that! I'm working on the positive reinforcement. It's probably going to take me writing it down about 25 times before it becomes a habit. I'm a tactile learner, so mental exercises are usually something that just don't sink in. :crazy:

[Boo-Damphir]

Dear GoingOnHope (love the name by the way!),
A couple of things struck me from reading your recent posts. The incident of the cavalier attitude of someone being nearly beaten to death seems to be a big trigger for you. Make a note in your journal under the heading, "Triggers." Personal violence is the primary trigger, the attitudes of others is a secondary trigger. You can't spin your tires on the attitudes of others but you can investigate your primary trigger. This can take the form of lengthy journaling whether it makes sense to anyone else or not, artwork or poetry to tap in to the emotions that personal violence brings to the surface. Little baby steps on this one, there's no "due date."

Another thing that seemed to surface is your feeling of being so overwhelmed with life and all its demands. You sound like a Type A controlling personality (takes one to know one:rofl: ) There's no way you can handle all of yesterdays issues, todays crises, and tomorrows possible dilemmas. Again, baby steps, bite smaller pieces. This is hard to do, but it can really help to reduce stress. "What can I do right now to fix it?" If the answer is "nothing" move on to the next challenge.

When you mentioned something to the effect that it would be easier if you just stopped worrying about yourself; that doing so was only adding to your burden - did this seem like an easy solution? I ask becuase it's a great tactic when we want to avoid something.

You are getting so close to really taking a big step forward in your healing process. All the turmoil and struggles are your brains' last ditch attempt to keep the wall up around your PTSD issues. Once that reaction becomes exhausting and a burden... give it a few more pokes with a stick and you'll be ready for the next step :poke:

Hang in there, narrow your focus, journal or whatever method serves you best so you can keep things sorted out and categorized in a place less crowded than your overworked brain :thumbs-up You are doing GREAT!

[goingonhope]

Hang in there, narrow your focus, journal or whatever method serves you best so you can keep things sorted out and categorized in a place less crowded than your overworked brain :thumbs-up You are doing GREAT!
Boo when I saw your post I was thrilled. Just happen to find it and read when I very much needed help and support. Thank you so much. Even the compliment about my username, I appreciate........bc I so much like it too. I haven't been able to respond any early than this, have been reading chiefly in the general chat section as it takes far less energy and effort from me. You've offered me much great suggestions above, and I think you're right about the Type A controlling personality. Again thank you, Boo.

Tonight having a b*#tch of a time. Really, really hard, so much within demanding my attention. Saw my mother part of this day, and I'm both angry with her and depressed as all hell with myself. Feel like I'm messing up big time even though I'm not doing anything in the present terribly wrong (I just can't get to perfection). Most, if not all is from my past and I'm having great difficulty separting the two, past from present.

In addition to this, I read one closed thread that pissed me off. And, I'm glad it's damn closed, bc what a bogus attempt to fk with someone's head, and provoke guilt................so absol. bogus and disgusting. I think an apology is due.

May have just put my finger on some more personal triggers. And, guess what, I don't mind being triggered, bc despite how I already felt tonight, even before the BS I have hope, as long as I do my best and do the right thing.

[goingonhope]

Some of the reasons I’m so sick and so, so tired. Gotta’ get this out tonight. As it's leaking out in my daily affairs. Part of my story, condensed and simplified. Nothing in fact truly simple about my story.

There once were three of us young girls, all sisters, all terrorized. Mother a bus driver, father a butcher.

One day at about 5 yrs. old, father wants me to perform oral sex on him so badly that he gets me alone in our bathroom, shows me what he’s made of and proceeds to stuff himself upon me. One particular evening as I lay asleep in bed about 4 or 5 yrs. old, same man, my daddy, approaches my bedside, attempts to sweet talk me, attempts to persuade me to let him put his hand beneath the blanket, beneath my underwear ect. When I attempt to protest, hushing me, redoubles his efforts and trying to convince me it’s all ok. When I make noise he takes his bull-ass hand, the size of a monsters hand and covers my mouth, practically covering my face. Something, whatever is was woke my eldest sister, she calls out loud for my mother, he threatens her, she dives off the top bunk, he chases her and either threatens to or beats her. She is blamed by him and he claims he’s doing his fatherly job of disciplining her for her misbehavior. - simplified

Daddy o’ boy loved knives, the bigger, the sharper, the more intimidating, the better. He erratically and on many occasions entertains his wife and 3 very young girls by pacing and chatting away, on how powerful, dangerous, deadly his knives can be and how effectively they are in slaughtering his bulls, animals, ect. His stories most horrifying and detailed, I know he was at least able to pull my mind with him right into the slaughter house and butcher shops. He seems to jollies in roaming and going about quickly and swiftly sharpening his blades, each knife layed out upon our dining room table, he moves toward us and exclaims, “One of you might just die in this house tonight. Will it be you tonight?, as he turns to my mother. Or, perhaps one of the kids, as he glares at us in his monstrous stare. And, he was a monster when he was in this condition. The height, size and build of him and most especially the instant change in mood or manipulative personality, he was capable and apparently willing. His threats, terrorizing and head games were not contained to our home. He’d take them out into public. Memories of him stomping on the hood of our car, climbing upon its roof-top, coming down over the windshield and banging while shouting rotten vulgarities to my mom and us girls, and all in order to make us let him in. Again, he’d change abruptly. One minute we were his darling family, sweet little girls, mom the one a fault, and the next moment we were his bit*#es, his c*#ts, ect. There was us 3 girls hiding in the close quarters of our bal ked. Me curled up, petrified, and truly feeling so f’n terrorifed that I could barely move a muscle…while he pounded, yelled and smashed through the bal ked window. And, again his changing words, his innocence turning fiercely to murderous rage. The attic and any barricaded room or corner would do to increase our probability of surviving. - All simplified.

My mother did her best to protect us, and I nearly 6 yrs. of age, Mom moved us girls away to another state. He and her had bought another house and the agreement was he keeps the one in that state, she gets the one in this state. She left him behind and moved the 4 of us females into a old summer house, desperately in need of winterizing. I lived there for pretty much the next 20yrs. It was in app. 73’ that she met a man whom she claims she fell in love with. Why on earth, I’ll never know. Those 20yrs. were degrading, crippling and hell on earth.

A brief summary: Chiefly my middle sister and I, but not entirely, because the oldest was soon off doing her thing, we were exposed to some of the dregs of society, in my many quite painful observations. In addition, we were exposed to some of the illest and most severe cases of mental illness. I was not spared nearly any conversation regarding these people, their condition, drama, insanity, ect. Prior to age nine I was chased and beaten by mother with belt. From 9 to 12 I received many a blow to the back of my head after being threatened, chased, and pinned belly first head pulled back. I was told regularly, when you least expect, expect it. Walls, ceilings, and floors were torn down and sawed apart, quite literally. On different sides and corners of the house, the inside was, opened up and left exposed to the elements, with only plastic for walls. Cobwebs two feet from nearly every ceiling became a part of the décor and didn’t seem to bother adults much. A pot belly black stove was placed in house and fixed with aluminum pot belly stove pipe running from one end of house to next and up. With few to no walls left remaining and stove improperly set-up, over a short period of time the entire content of house was covered in black heavy soot and remained for years. Eldest sister was molested by mom’s lunatic boyfriend and later blamed by mother. Middle sister and I were psychologically tormented daily. I was particularly chosen as the object of mom’s lunatic boyfriend’s obsession. This obsession being (get her, break her, remove the threat, do what every must be done to attack her from every facet of her being). This continuing on over years created such a variety of ’out of this world’ experiences for me that the story is too lengthy to tell as little of it can be grouped together with similar reoccurring experiences. Few examples are: My punishment for his inadequacies and insecurities - strip down naked and run around the house a dozen time in the snow. Another, cut the cord of refridgerator, wrap it around freezer and door handles, hold onto the remaining piece and antagonistically hand it to me as I return from school and say, “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you, don’t you, don’t you….now fix this sucker, huh.” An yet one of many more, as I awaken to use bathroom in the middle of the night I’m approached by this worn, fat, slob of a man in his bright red bikini underwear and told that I must join him on the kitchen floor while he sorts through the piles of garbage that he’s dumped there from different barrels within our house. Oh’ yeah, dude, I’m interested. Right! Now get the fk away from me. On and more…..All very much simplified.

I simply can only share a small part. Couldn’t share and get out any of this if I did anything other than to leave an enormous amount out. I’d be burnt toast at the end. …………so, really hoping this is ok to do, to share and get this sh#t out because it’s all erupting presently on the inside.

Now I wish this wasn't makin me so sick and disrupting my thinking so badly tonight, but it is and I simply can not find focus tonight, without first getting this out.

[goingonhope]

And, I'm glad it's damn closed, bc what a bogus attempt to fk with someone's head, and provoke guilt................so absol. bogus and disgusting. I think an apology is due.
I think I used the wrong word here to say what I mean. It's not provoke guilt, I mean more project, invent, try to frighten and create guilt ect., where no guilt is due.
My mother's been famous for this. I saw her today, and God, do I hope I feel better tommorrow. It's possible you know, as just yesterday I felt great, today, real rough going, tommorrow it's quite possibly I'll feel better.

[anthony]

Hope, well done. Do you see how far you are coming now in your progress? You got here and your self esteem was battered and beaten, everything very private. Now, here you are shareing some of your deepest secrets with strangers, all of which are here to learn, share and support you. To post about our secrets in public, making them no longer secrets, means your self esteem has improved gradually, which shows progress. This means your becoming much more confident within yourself, and less worried about what others think off you. This is self esteem in the making, and I am honestly just so proud of you for your hard work. Please keep this improvement going, and become that assertive person we must all be in order to manage our past and our PTSD effectively. Well done hope, and congratulations on your hard work and efforts thus far.

[cookie]

hope, i am so sorry you went through all that in your life. seems there are a lot of monsters out there. you did well to post and get through it. sometimes reading other's post makes me shake, but i feel so bad for you, i just have to say something, so you know somebody cares.
cathy

[goingonhope]

Cookie and Anthony, thanks so much, I can't tell you how much your words help. I'm practically speechless right now, but certainly feeling some good feelings inside. Crying some, but it's a happy cry. It feels so good to have the courage to share this. I've spoken so very little about this over the years. Little of it, and some not at all.

Finding this PTSD forum followed and resulted from a quite painful, incident at an AA meeting. Just a few days prior to finding this forum I was heading to an AA meeting when I started thinking intrusive memories of being curled up in terror in the dirt of our bal ked and my father's threats and rage. I couldn't stop thinking about it and later found myself talking about it in the discus. of this meeting. And I was emot. and I wasn't thinking straight and one woman was staring at me like I was a freak, and yet I knew better, and couldn't communicate it, and what I was saying didn't belong in that discus., and it was probably surprising as all to see this part of me, and l left almost ready to conclude that I must be a freak and everyone knows it, bc this other woman spoke after me and said, "I guess it's my turn to come to a meeting and hear, someone out of their f'n mind speak." And, she went on and boy did it'all hurt. I left that meeting, prayed when I got home for her and said a little prayer for myself. I took some other positive actions and within a few days sat down and typed in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder into my search and all what came up was pages upon pages of educ. text of what PTSD is. This wasn't going to help me one bit as I couldn't even focus to read and understand it. Then I thought, , , how about, PTSD and Recovery and that's when I immed. found this forum. Amazing.......absol. amazing.

Guess, I'm not speechless after all. Gee, I just said a mouthful.

I can believe you cookie when you say somebody cares. Me believing someone, in itself is remarkable. You let me know somebody cares and I very much appreciate this. THX.

And, anthony I'm seeing that increase in self-esteem that you talked about. It's there in some of my interactions with people, even at times w/ my husb. and kids. I'm beginning to see and feel the self-esteem inside. It's awesome. I love it!

[anthony]

That really is excellent hope that your seeing results. It takes time, and results continue as you will travel through the ups and downs. Heal trauma, learn PTSD management and time do a wonderful job in unison to get people back on the right path to their life again. No two paths are the same, and generally half the things you learn are useless to your specific self, but the pieces you do relate with are often the powerful ones to make an impact. Finding those that relate to each of us individually is the trick, as no one technique or tactic can blanket all sufferers.

Hope, keep going in this direction and it continues to increase. When you hit assertive, you pull yourself up so you don't reach arrogant. Trust me, it happens... assertive is the target to reach. This helps in so many areas of healing, which you will identify for yourself.

Well done hope, and keep this going please. Your starting to really step out of your shell now.

[goingonhope]

Cobwebs two feet from nearly every ceiling became a part of the décor and didn’t seem to bother adults much.
Very ill today with PTSD. So restless, anxious, confused, unsteady on my feet, withdrawn, irritable the works. Barely could sit upright in church. I feel like my brain and balance is all off kilter. Can’t seem to think straight and it’s taking me a long time with much diffic. concentr. to say anything or to talk with husb. and family. Getting frustrated with myself, and have had a couple little tantrum fits, as suddenly I can’t think or speak anything.

So completely sick, and angry with people from my past that pose absol. no threat to me today. Had to change plans with husb. Taking son out to movie, now it’s him taking both son and daught. out, as I feel so sick and ill-equipped to enjoy daught. Probably afraid of myself too, as it’s always easy to enjoy children when feeling well, but no so when feeling freaked out inside. Never want to, (I do however), leave any opport. to become irritable, unavailable or upset my children as the result of my illness, so prefer to have daught. out w/ dad and brother, for now. Having diffic. being sick and being reliably there for my children too. Husb. is presently being a great support.

After lunch he pointed out an overlooked, almost invisible lrg. cobweb above our kitchen table asking if the 10 to 15 dots on it were dead flies. I took a close look, it was like fruit flies, and immed. I began dry heaving uncontrollably. For the next fifteen min. I was in the bathroom 1st dry heaving than violently losing my lunch. Sounds exaggerated, but it's not, and/or not worth mentioning but I’m doing so as I’m surprised that in addition to how I felt earlier, I was just suddenly vomiting, and there is no reason to believe I’m phys. ill, just hyper-sensitive the last 24 hrs. Experiencing some subtle flashbacks in other instances, as well as easily startled. My husb. thinks sometimes, I’m making up that I feel so terribly ill. I even start doubting whether I’m creating or inventing feeling ill or not, just to be left alone.

Recently wrote about the filth and condition of the house and people who raised me. I suppose people you live with for decades., like your mother and others who are allowed in are called family, but admitting this creates so much self-loathing, depression and anger that I won’t do it. I wasn’t anything like those people, and yet they wanted me to: “go along, to get along”, “paddle with the current, not against it,” “accept it, take it and live with it, because this is what it is, as I‘m in charge here (mom‘s bf),” “if you want off our shit list then join on in,” and other hundreds of mind-boggling messages that if I actually followed would’ve effectively killed my spirit 100%, making me no better than the worst, -that bastard who stepped in, took advantage of my mother circum., intim., threatened and took her mind and will, demolished the inside and outside of our home, before my eyes and took my mother from me and left me to fend for myself amongst complete abusive and neglectful imbeciles.

I really don’t want to have this anger, nor express it, as I don’t want to feel this way and didn’t when I unknowingly and yet successfully, disappeared into some place of mind, and for some yrs. too, much like an amnesiac, dissociative state. I don’t know, what do I know? But that I developed a personality that didn’t involve any conscious memories of my past. I lived and felt very much like a pretender, unable to believe the few occas. recollections of my past, unable to even own my name as I introduced myself from 21 on by a different similar name, but cert. not the name I heard those sicko’s abuse. Can you imagine abusing a name just by the tone of voice in which it’s said, the associations made in connection with it, the scowl and look of hatred and disgust on their faces of those using it and speaking with me. Fk them….I’m so damn angry at mother’s now dead bf and her.

Now just a little mention of the cobwebs. At one point in time and for a very long time they covered every inch of our ceilings. Now these ceilings were not the average ceilings they were either beams or insulation or black sooty plastic or the improv. was when a combo. was created. But then the cobwebs there they were 2" down from ceiling and no one the least interested in doing anything about it. Above where we ate, where we slept, sat, walked, everywhere. I routinely cleaned that house, at 10 yrs. and up, sucked up those f'n cobwebs only to be yelled at, cleaned and straight. that house repeatedly over and over, only to get f'n screamed at and threatend and all hell would break loose. Bc this house had long since been made up of complete walls, or no walls at all, ceilings and floor coverings, even the floor itself, and bc of the enorm. amounts of junk piled in it, you couldn't really clean it well, but I tried. It even became a sole aim in having surv. living in that hell-hole, but it was always met w/ much frustration and antag. abuse. The guy that did this was awful. God awful. Bc it wasn't only what he did it was the lies and manip. he used in doing it and his 100% selfish sense of accompl. afterwards, while we had to now exist in it for yrs. to come.

Hesitant to post this as very lengthy and now I'm stuck with this fear in my head that others will think I'm looking for pity, or self-pitying myself. I just want this shit out.....told......done with.......gone......accepted.......nothing but a insignif. memory that doesn't control my mind and health for the rest of my life.

[goingonhope]

I really don’t want to have this anger, nor express it, as I don’t want to feel this way...
Negative into Positive:

• I have been so depressed today, that I have only been available for my family very little,
Yes, but I found time anyhow to briefly sit with, be affectionate, and hold children, to pick them up, and briefly listen and talk with them, to go along to church and to help them some during the day, while my husb. helped lots.

• I have been so sad and disgusted with myself, feeling all alone in the world much of this day, Yes, but I did call a friend with alcoholism and PTSD this evening and together we went to a meeting, and I did speak briefly from the heart, was true to myself and didn’t disrupt the meeting in anyway.

• I am pathetic as I spoke of some pers. grief, sadness and fear this evening while sitting there in the meeting. I did reveal my vulnerability, Yes, but no one insulted or attacked me, and perhaps having and showing emotion is not all that pathetic. (Whew, this one cert. a tough one to believe, -showing emotion not weak and pathetic, ouch.)

• I should be ashamed of myself. I am wicked and or manipulative person, not any better than mother’s boyfriend was. No, this simply is not true, having painful emotions and needing to talk about these and share a little about me is not being wicked and manipulative even if what I have to say and my emotions stir up uncomfortable feelings in others.

Can't imagine for the life of me tonight how I’ll bounce back from this latest depression and guilt. Feel like tonight I have no business thinking and feeling and being sick over my past, because I’m not living any of this life today, and what right do I have to look at it, own it, integrate it and work in the direction of healing from it. It’s in the past, and I and others from my past would like me to believe I should just damn well accept it and give over it. What business is it of mine to associate with anyone, until I’ve done so?

And, much of my self-loathing and shame has to do with a horrible long-lived life situation that I didn’t cause, create and couldn’t change. I was powerless to do so, God knows I tried. The only thing I could have done differently is kill them, which I sometimes seriously considered and once fantasized about, while with sister, and me approaching mothers bf with gun at 16, while he was passed out in chair, and really wanting to kick it up a notch from pure fantasy to actually pulling the trigger and saying so long, you’ll never again play your psycho. torment games, nor have your way with us. (You’re dead mister. Now try your shit on those demons in hell and see how far you get.)

My God, hoping it’s o.k. to be really, really be sad, lonely and angry right now and in a great deal of emot. pain. :frown: :dummy-spi :cussing:

[anthony]

Well done hope... really well done. Do you see what your actually doing now? Your self analyzing. This is one of the hardest things to do in the healing process, not by nature itself, but to actually pull yourself up and look at what is going on in any given moment, self analyze, reason, apply, rectify and keep moving. Really well done hope... so so proud. You may not of thought off it that way, but I am seeing it like that.

[goingonhope]

Do you see what your actually doing now? Your self analyzing. This is one of the hardest things to do in the healing process, not by nature itself, but to actually pull yourself up and look at what is going on in any given moment, self analyze, reason, apply, rectify and keep moving.
I do wish I could develop this habit quicker and more consistently, as I need it for those times when I get angry. Got angry today and I'm terribly unhappy about this. Keep pushing it away as it's haunting me, and trying to accept it, but I'm sick of accepting things myself I find unacceptable, I just want it to end. To decide I'll never get angry again with those that I love, and to stop then and there. I hate my anger as it is frightening. And, after a fit of anger I can't always separate how I felt inside from what I actually did or didn't do. I mean mentally I know I haven't behaved in any physc. abusive fashion, but what I don't know is what kind of affect my outbursts of yelling, bc apparently that's what I've been doing periodically, is going to later have on my children. I don't think I start any of it, but when I'm angrily yelled at in my face, or sudden outbursts of disruptive noise piercing through me, or objects suddenly appear in my face threatening to hit or cause injury to my face. Or when someone blantantly defies me after giving them sufficient time to do what is told and then yells at me and tries to manipulates me to not take my responsibility, by threatening to have a full blown tantrum, I get pissed off. It pisses me off to no end to have to struggle and suffer to be heard, or paid attention to. So when I yell, I consider that abusive bc it frightens others. Adults tough shit....if they can dish it out, then they can take it. Kids an entirely different story. Truth is my son is most difficult at times. I must learn how to handle him. I need to take a crash course on this. Fear I'm going to need to become a genius or a saint to deal best with him. Daughter suffers too, overhearing him and I go at it, in order to make him do what he must bc repeatedly asking is not enough.

Not to change the subject, but I have a question for anyone, someone please answer if you know. Is it normal for your husb. or wife to knowing your triggers to deliberately and defiantly create them, or tease you with them. I think I can answer this myself, he must resent me either that or he simply doesn't believe the serious nature of my PTSD. He won't check out this forum, I've asked him and he's not interested, claiming he doesn't have the time...and I imagine there's partial truth in this but certainly not entirely. Pissed off at myself tonight, even though I've accomplished much good today, I'm simply sick with my emotional response to son tonight. Had to struggle to get my husb. attention tonight to listen to me on this matter. Told him I want to make it a rule that applies to all of us in our family, No yelling allowed! Or, consquenced with being sent to bedroom until whomever calms down. He said, yeah, we can do it. Now let's see if he'll even remember this and be willing to follow this rule. I hope he does, bc it's too much. It's not fair my son's a 6 yr. old kid, I'm suppose to be an adult, and so is my husband.

[goingonhope]

I just watched the presentation on Anger Exposed. A very helpful addition to the forum. Glad it was there. I knew I didn't have to post my prior post, but I did it anyhow bc it's honest. I'm not here to win any popularity contests. I'm a member of this forum to have hope and encourage my emotional healing from my PTSD. And, not just for myself, but so importantly my family. I fckd up tonight yelling, and I fckd up royally, and as with any commitment when you make one often things just tend to fall into place. I need to make a pers. commitment to become more and more educated on PTSD and Anger, bc I have both, and enough is enough......and please I'm just going to have to forgive myself bc I can't change any of my outburst of anger earlier this evening...I am so deeply sorry to my kids for yet another outburst. I know it sounds pathetic right now to claim I'm sorry and then possibly repeat it. It is so f'n pathetic. And, I know it. And, I promise myself, I'll do everything within my ability from this moment on to consider my Anger and PTSD as most detrimental and most in need of attention and work around that bc to see Anger, in that Anger Exposed presentation, up along side Hate and Rage, makes me so sick with myself, because I don't want my kids to ever think I hate them. I love them and want to love them so much, it hurts. Crying now, and ought to be. I hope I'm not wicked and the only one. Please, someone identify with this yelling as totally unacceptable and with me not being the only one, and please help my family and I, end and get beyond this.

[veiled]

Hope I am thinking as I have to go over the anger thing. I flip out over the most stupid shit around here. Boo told me once I was going to snap as I had too much going on and don't be shocked if it is over a missing sock a while back. She was so very right.

Of course we should not yell at little ones but we do. We know we have a problem and that is why we are here. Don't expect the anger to be gone over night. Don't try to pen it up either, pent up anger blows up bad and personally gave me horrible panic attacks, since I was not venting it it came out like that as "I was not going to yell anymore" too. Did not work.

As you keep working on your issues like you did so well above and keep it up, keep a journal, vent about the daily nonsense... You start to notice you have not yelled in a while or slammed things. But if that stress or little things are allowed to build and build you blow.

With kids, I seriously doubt I will be up for mom of the year anytime soon.

But stop and recognize you are working on it, you are addressing it, you will get that temper in check as we know we cannot yell like we do. I know how hard it can be to step back and think because we don't, we react.

Just keep up getting the stress out of you here or in a journal and it will help it not build. You can and will get better at it.

About hubs and the tripping a trigger, I think mine likes breathing way too much to pull that shit. He saw me fall apart in a parking lot yesterday over a leaf landing on my arm though my window. I had to get out so he could drive. My teen daughter on the other hand knew all of this (she even saw my doctor) and my startle response, it was her favorite past time, and she knew how to tap or make a loud noise and jump back as I did swing a couple times. Never got her but I regret missing. She was such a little ass about it even if I would be left in tears she scared me so bad, she would be laughing until my hubs ripped her for it. She still never quit. She took much pleasure in my misery, hence one of the reasons she has since moved in with her dad a month ago. She was pushing me over the edge every way she could come up with. My doc tried to tell me, as I am so torn over letting her go to her dad, that it is best. Doc had seen her in private, he said I was not insane but if she stayed I was going to be. She just flat had it out for me to fulfill selfish teen urges. Had I been healthy it would have never worked like that for her.

I would also try not to feel so bad for knowing you have anger issues. Guilt we have as a result from how we are having PTSD, compared to not, adds way more stress than we need. Not feeling so bad, know you are working, and keep working at it then you have no reason to carry that guilt and stress drops as a result of less guilt and will lower the likelyhood of blowing up.

And yes, it is easier said than done but doable.

[anthony]

Hope, anger is something I understand, because I had it very bad. It takes time, its takes commitment, its takes determination, but you have them all, which means you can do it. It is not realistic to just say one day, "I am not going to be angry any more", as chances are, you still have so many stressors upon you, that the smallest thing is going to flip you out.

There are techniques specifically designed to help with anger, such as the 10 second rule, being the moment you go into rage, the only thing you have to do is NOT TALK, NOT RESPOND, FOR 10 SECONDS. You may look silly, but it helps you to work through anger. It works, its only people that allow this rule to fail, because they fail themselves before really giving it effort. Do something enough, it becomes instinctive, which means you no longer have anger issues, because when something makes you so angry, instead of responding without thinking, not talking for 10 seconds and counting those 10 seconds in your mind, allows you that small amount of breathing space in order for you to think, before your respond, which means you are then intentionally being angry with the recipient, or you have a slightly different mood after 10 seconds, which often means you talk calmer in response, instead of the immediate response of yelling.

10 seconds doesn't sound like much, but you can yell in 10 seconds, and then realize you just yelled when you didn't want too. 10 seconds works, it absolutely is only the person applying it that fails this method. If you don't want to yell at people, you don't want to respond with immediate rage and the thoughts on the top of your mind, which are often the wrong responses, then every single response when you know your getting worked up, leave it 10 seconds before responding, regardless how silly you look, do that and you will find yourself naturally becoming a calmer person, able to respond in lesser times without anger, yelling, rage and so forth.

It is a technique that is fail safe... it is only the person using it that fails this technique, not the technique fail the person. This is one technique that is appropriate for every single human being, and if applied, it works, if not, then you fail the technique as a result.

[goingonhope]

Hey guys, that night I became scrambled eggs in my mind after really owning how unness. my contrib. to the noise, confusion...sometimes chaos is. I've since improved and not so scrambled....able to communicate again. I like what Anthony said about the 10 second counting process and then how he ment. anything afterwards is intentional. Also like how he states the success w/ this techniq. is determ. by our effort, and emphasizes that if the techniq. fails, it's bc we failed it.

Veiled, I do pent up a lot. Have done it most of my entire life. Often now it's bc... life and stuff ... hits so hard, so quickly ... one thing after the next. How on earth do we keep up with it all. Had to re-sched. my eye surgery bc I failed to follow-thru w/ necess. prior exams & resp. Wonder if, subcons, I did so when I read the lengthy list of poss. surgery complic. Incl. my eyeball could shrink or perm. cause inoper. cataract. Or, eyelid droops perm., ect. The one about the shrinking eyeball is enough to scare the shit out of me.

Also, blasting sched. 10ft. away from house in next couple days.....Daughter requests to be sent to afterschool program so as to miss the "earthquake." LOL. She insists she not be home. This child-care all will cost a chunk of money, more stress.

......So much hitting, all at once. Never...ever at a lack of things to do. I like your sugg. veiled, about contin. venting about the daily nonsense, bc boy does it build rapidly.

What exactly is it veiled that you do or imply to keep your hubs in check? I need to do the same. Mine likes to quietyl walk out the door, sneak around the house and suddenly pop up in the window, and/or knock. He's not trying to be mean...he's trying to be funny. He also is determined to disagree w/ some very simple, agreeable statements or stuff, and when he sees that it bug the shit out of me, he cont. It's all very irrational as he'll even contradict himself, if it means he has control. Sometimes he'll stop and suddenly stare at me and goof. Other times he intent. use the sound Wot, rather than what, bc he knows my mom's bf used and enjoyed this sound so much.

Her BF often replaced words w/ his version of created sounds ...and this now dead guy was famous for blurting out to me, nothing but phrases. Out of nowhere, he'd approach Me and say things, like: "It's hard to be humble, when you're perfect in every way." ... And, "Your so vain you probably think this song is about you. ..Don't you? Don't you?" ... And, Miss Piggy....Miss Piggy....Where are you, Miss Piggy? ... And, "Wot A Man! Your boyfriend, O' Wot A Man! Glad this guy is dead, as he won't be inventing any more bullshit. Apt to attach a picture of him, if I didn't think his other possible victims or family would recognize him and be able to determine who goingonhope is. Probably already can as some of my trauma is so odd, peculiar, unique...only some. No matter what...I'll handle it. Well, anyhow this guy was one scummy looking, freaky, truly crazy and hateful predator. And, boy did I go into some panic attack when after he died he layed so restfully, appearing so peaceful, in his open caskett....while my insides felt like knots and chains and enslavement...and my mind a battlefield.

Veiled, you mentioned guilt adding to our stress levels, I'll do my best to minimize, see thru it and get past it. Learning, applying and changing, when I need to and Letting Go, when the guilt is nothing but my nuerotic BS: residual effects of my trauma. Some of this BS comes up just in my willingness to post or not to. Example: I can as much as Hear, prior voices (those of bf and mother) saying, "Who do you think you are? Being honest, huh....do you think you're that important or something?" ... And, ... "Think anybody gives a shit what you think or how you feel, P...?" ... And, ... "I've had it up to here with you, and your kind, always wanting attention." ... And, "Where's the white horse you road in on, you think your someone special, you think you're better than us. Huh? Huh?"......just before he, (dead man) pushes his weight up against me, backs me up against something and pins me, stares in my face, blurts out fragmented garbage and lifts his arm to threaten and intimidate me.

Didn't mean to re-live this, in the here and now. I'll say, every crazy-making, garb. word from his and my mothers mouths, I have unknowingly and unintent. stored right here in my mind.

Anyhow, doing my best to get it out, learn, apply, accept and gradually cont. to move forward.

Thanks Veiled and Anthony for your support.

......this oughta' be most difficult to post, as I've exceeded my boundaries of just how vulnerable and honest I wanna' allow myself to be, with how I think and feel. It's creating some anxiety. Sometimes I think it's easier to shut down, close up...to say nothing and pretend, but then who would I kid..,delude...Myself!

[veiled]

Well, you know we here give a shit :) we are not those people in your life.

It hurts and is hard to leave yourself vunerable. I know that very feeling well. You are doing great getting it out.

As far as your husband I think you said it yourself in the post his deal (control)/ maybe it is ignorance? Me, I am a bit sarcastic when I say my husband loves breathing too much and was using it loosely. I don't have to do anything to convince him not to jack with me, just educate him. Simply put there is a household and a world of people those who are around me can jack with in that regard, kids always expect my ex to do something like put on a mask and sneak in a window on halloween to scare them. It doesn't work as they see it coming (he would never frighten little ones). When I was with him he thought this was hilarious to do to me. I went over a back of a chair once to get away. Now he knows what I have he does not do that to me... No big plastic bugs left in a place for me to run across. That ex is part of this condition. He works hard to make ammends, my other ex is evil to the last drop.

My husband knows how painful panic attacks and the after effects are, he simply loves me too much to cause any unneeded pain. And some of my attacks can send me to the hospital. He doesn't want to pay for it! Also, I need a lot of TLC in the midst of a harsh attack... Why induce it when I find plenty on my own? Most I do to myself are not harsh and accidental, when I purposly trip a trigger like forcing myself to watch a movie over and over that played during one rape until it was just a movie. That was hard and I was out of it for days. But it was on my terms. We prepared for it.

My husband (and he is my 4th) is the first man I have ever been with that truly loves me (though I had been fooled by others' versions of love) He tries so hard to care for me and protect me. Like I said he would have to get after my daughter, but since I did not like it when he did the only times he knew about was when he saw. He found out how often it was after she moved. He was so flustered I did not tell him. I told him no matter what he or I did she was not going to stop. No matter what I did he was not going to stop yelling at her for it... Yelling by men sends me over by the way and I think it is unhealthy for all involved. I told him if I told him it would just make things worse as I would deal with her continuing plus him yelling, only so much stress I can do a day. He said I was smart to handle it that way even though he hates to admit he can go over board yelling at kids when they are setting me off. We are still working to bring the volume of the home down and it is working by my husband admitting he has a short fuse at times. But normally in how it effects me, other things he is not too fast to get pissed unless it is hurting me.

My husband has researched this, he has been to many appointments with me on how to handle things, and he has done all he can think of to help make my life easier. Hence the moving from my farm to a little Kansas town as there are more triggers here than I can cope with, it is a constant overload. I mean I looked at the map. It is not what most call a town... In Houston they call it a sub division or neighborhood. Very tiny. To remove my triggers as so much has happened here and I still feel (even if unreasonable to others) a threat from one of my attackers.

I am truly lucky in this part. I also changed what I looked for in a man. This one would really go to the ends of the earth to keep me safe and make me feel so, even if he is not perfect all the time as we all have our moments, but we always bounce back as a united front to beat this PTSD together.

All I can suggest is doing what you can to make sure your husband reads and throughly understands the condition. What doing that does to your heart rate, blood pressure, and the like, dumping adreniline and over working those glands, what all the sugar released in your system can do. It is not pretty at all and a husband who gives a shit would not intentionally set off that chain reaction in your physical body. Let alone your mind! If they truly have this knowledge and what sets you off provided then it is a form of abuse from then on. Because at that point they know they are mentally, emotionally, and physically causing you harm on purpose, and that is abuse.

When he is being an annoying goof, not much we can do about it, men can just do that and part of married life, you can always go get in a hot bath and lock the door and tell him "tag your it, have fun with the kids". I have done that exact thing a few times and helps. But he is crossing the line with the window and door, startle reflex being jacked with is pure hell. He has lept over the line with repeating things your mom's BF would say to set you off. That is going to leave you on edge way too often and no wonder you are having a problem with stress! But he has to be informed and educated on it that it is not funny and causing those reactions within your body and mind.

Please keep posting and get it out on here how you day was, what sucked about it, get advice for things you did not know you even needed. Happens to me all the time, I am just venting trying to get it out and in turn I will get things pointed out I need to work on for me that I never stopped to think about.

It starts to come together... LIke today my day is pretty decent despite some things happening I am handling it pretty well.

[goingonhope]

Well, you know we here give a shit :) we are not those people in your life.

As far as your husband I think you said it yourself in the post his deal (control)/ maybe it is ignorance? Me, I am a bit sarcastic when I say my husband loves breathing too much and was using it loosely. I don't have to do anything to convince him not to jack with me, just educate him.


Most I do to myself are not harsh and accidental, when I purposly trip a trigger like forcing myself to watch a movie over and over that played during one rape until it was just a movie. That was hard and I was out of it for days. But it was on my terms. We prepared for it.


All I can suggest is doing what you can to make sure your husband reads and throughly understands the condition. What doing that does to your heart rate, blood pressure, and the like, dumping adreniline and over working those glands, what all the sugar released in your system can do.


When he is being an annoying goof, not much we can do about it, men can just do that and part of married life, you can always go get in a hot bath and lock the door and tell him "tag your it, have fun with the kids". I have done that exact thing a few times and helps. But he is crossing the line with the window and door, startle reflex being jacked with is pure hell. He has lept over the line with repeating things your mom's BF would say to set you off. That is going to leave you on edge way too often and no wonder you are having a problem with stress! But he has to be informed and educated on it that it is not funny and causing those reactions within your body and mind.



It’s really nice to know that people do care about one another. I think that’s why I find this site so amazing. Bc for the first time in my entire life I can see caring in action with so many of us. This is something I don’t ever recall seeing growing up, in and around, the suffering, cruelty, abuse, hatred and indifference I was forced to grow up in and around. I could so write much about all this shit, FTM some of us probably have. I suspected I’d never be able to bc writing about it for me comes with too too high a phys., emot., mental and spiritual price tag. Even my attempts to do so in my past has all created much pers. suffering and the worst about this, is having to stifle it all and do it alone.

I once thought I’d go to college and I did and with it came free-style writing assign., which I did and was very pleased with the resulting grades. The only this was I hadn’t yet known that I had PTSD, or anything about it, and so each paper, I put my heart and soul into, and it wasted me. Just as the end of the semes. was nearing I desper. wanted to be hosp. Had said I felt homicidal and suicidal, truth was I wasn’t too interest. in either prospect, instead, I was terribly afraid. I don’t know what I wanted or needed, I just knew I couldn’t stand my flashbacks, nightmares, anger and my reality and stand it all alone. I was able to later return to school long enough to complete and claim credit for 2 of those courses, but never the most imp. my Writing class.


You know, it’s the disagreeable attitude that my husb. generally has when he’s angry that he may use in such a way as to feel in control. Which has been too often for my comfortability. But, I now suspect as normal.

It’s never been the scaring me from the windows, goofing on me or repeating or making sounds which mother's bf did so often. My husb. has truly only done these sometimes, to be funny. And, so he thinks it’s funny and it’s not any longer, and that’s probably as much my fault as his, in our ineffective communc. as of yet in making him understand this. I was able to see and understand clearer as the result of reading your response veiled.

You were absol. right it’s nothing more than our lack of knowledge and ed. on PTSD. And he and I and unfortunately my kids will have to learn, all in time and through experience.

Wow, you know your husb. loves you dearly. That’s where my PTSD interferes. I suffer from such a distorted self image, perception and with much low self-esteem at times, this all washes over me in waves, that I can’t reason why or imagine him, my kids or anyone else liking, loving or seeing me as lovable. My daughter has taught me much during these times. I want to believe my husb. truly loves me and we just have a long ways to go living and learning.


He doesn’t share the same available time I do to choose what responsib. or interest to juggle, he simply wakes us 5 days a wk. goes to work in a care-taking position and doesn’t arrive home until shortly before supper, only to help care-take here at home, these days doing much of this. He can be most times very supportive in us accomplishing much.


Wow! That’s it….That’s why he says he feels like a victim of circumstances. More is being asked of him than he can comfortably manage, and when he takes vacation he works, and when he has his weekends off, he often has much care-taking responsibility of our kids and to him this is work….that’s why he calls it work. And, then I have PTSD, and with it I’m unreliable. With the time that’s left for him all he barely has time to do is smoke, collapse in front of a late-night movie, and sing for enjoyment once a wk. I know his work week isn't entirely due to me, either. I’m so very proud of him.

Ya’ perhaps he can’t live up to my expectations of him, but who’s to say that my expect. are realistic given life as it is.

Oh, that last statement reminds me of something I’ve done truly well over the last many yrs. Not to be mean to myself, just my attempt to be constr. critical and/or truthful…..I’m someone who has discov. that living in fantasy is much less painful and stressful than being of this world and living in reality. Because reality never ever stops, ….always setting the rules for us to ‘suit up and show up’, and to keep going. And, for someone like me that may mean accepting all sorts of pers. harsh realities throughout my day. Such as for example: my inadeq., limit., past, triggers, unreliability, fears, anxieties and PTSD.

Well, life is full of surprises and I’m going to get beyond my self and my past and not through dissociation this time. I have what it takes now. For a very long time now, I’ve had the desire…the want to. My whole life I’ve lacked the knowledge of…how to, but not any longer. And, now if I just more reasonably juggle life’s responsibil. with employing and develop. many skills for healing trauma and living with PTSD, I’ll have what it takes. None of which be easy, but, I’ll truly have what it takes to be a part of this world again.

Veiled, you talked about purposely tripping a trigger. My god, is that movie now just nothing more than a movie for you? If you were over someone’s house and that was the movie for the evening would you be alright with this? Or, would you have to prepare for it still and require it on your terms? I ask, bc I’m curious as to the absol. success of this technique.

And, oh’ boy do I hear you veiled when you say, "Yelling by men sends me over." I’m not accusing my husb. of doing this much, bc he doesn’t, but when he does I cease to think straight. Also, recently I just discov. that’s he’s been wearing a jean jacket, for sometime now, given to him that once belonged to my father who has since died. And, husb. is tall like Dad was, w/ a similar build and same color hair that he had, when Dad was younger and abused and terrorized my sisters and I. So the voice with the slightest bit of frustration and raised voice, instruction for kids and/or occas. yelling and anger combined and I tend to uncons. fear that my kids and I are being severely mistreated and about ready to be tossed, kicked and beaten. Not true with what’s really happening either. FTM it has never happened with husb., nor is there any threat. And, he doesn’t yell that often, FAMOF, husb. tends to suppress a lot. Which I think and now worry has become a problem.

Someone, what does it mean when you say “all the sugar released in your system” mean? I am very interested what this means, or if there is a conn., and what is the connection between blood sugar levels and stress? Or, where I can read in detail and depth of stress and the physiological bodies response to it.

Thanks again veiled, for your support and I do hope your move to Kansas helps you and the family significantly. Hope you've found a place that you can really enjoy and you continue to grow and heal, live and learn. Please take it easy and continue to minimize stress levels through this naturally stressful move in your life. I've read many of your posts veiled and you really have, and do accomplish a real lot. Proud of you, and take care. Best to you, sincerely, goingonhope.

....oh shoot they started drilling, and the blasting will soon follow.

[goingonhope]

It’s never been the scaring me from the windows, goofing on me or repeating or making sounds which mother's bf did so often.
that has not been about control, rather just not understanding.

...just left that imp. clarification out as I was unclear in prior posts.

....Gee, that noise is really driving me now already with stress in my shoulders and neck. Apparently, I knew what I was doing a yr. or two back when I bought an auto. massage chair....will be using it often in the coming days with all this stressful outside noise.

[goingonhope]

Someone, what does it mean when you say “all the sugar released in your system” mean? I am very interested what this means, or if there is a conn., and what is the connection between blood sugar levels and stress? Or, where I can read in detail and depth of stress and the physiological bodies response to it.
The sentence above reads oddly bc I removed your name veiled and wrote someone ...and forgot to remove the you, bc I really do want to know the answer to this question, but I don't want to ask you specifically bc God knows you have enough on your plate and happening in your life.....and so I threw it out as a question for anyone who may know or may know where to find this info. on detailed physiological responses to stress, or what the connection with blood sugar is.

[veiled]

Let me go hunt down the info. It may take awhile as no sleep last night but a couple hours this AM. It might be in the information section or I may need to look it up again. The body goes through a lot when you are startled or upset.

Your post sounds like you are feeling very empowered and that is great! Grab on to that and hold on to it! You deserve it. Get that self esteem going girl! Great job.

I am glad you posted that about the movie. See you can help pull things out of anyone. :) I had not thought of what would happen if I saw it somewhere else playing. So I can honestly say no, it is not completely controlled now. I mean I can watch it in my home when I choose to turn it on and not be thrown back into the rape, like I don't feel the pain where the bruises were, or sensations on my hands now. I am reminded of my rape as I do not think that will ever stop reminding me. If I were to walk in on another watching it outside my home, I would probably flip out a bit mentally being caught off guard, but no where near to the degree I would had I not exposed myself to it. I would certainly not sit and watch it, but I could probably calm myself by leaving and walking around. But keep in mind exposure therapy can make you very ill. I don't get sick anymore from the movie. I bought it so I can play it every once in a while and keep it in check in my head. I have learned we can't get past it and it stay like that, you have to keep doing it again here and there. I need to do it again but I am not until I am settled and recover from the move. I think I have enough stressors at the moment LOL.

[veiled]

Hope, here you go, this is a short run down. I am having to type it up as it is from a picture I used to keep on my desktop as looking at the sympathetic section of the nervous system is what gets all wacky with an anxiety or panic attack. I always looked at it when they were real rough all the time. Knowing exactly what was happening within my body helped. I would just post the pic but I cannot as I pulled it off another site quite a while back and do not remember where, sure it is copyrighted.

These are nornal things you can expect and some of my experiences with it tied in. I am sure if there is more someone else will add, or if I made a mistake.

Pupils to dilate

inhibits salivation - dry mouth

constricts blood vessels

relaxes airways - may end up hypervenalating thinking you cannot breath causing dizziness, and a lot of numbing sensations with too much oxygen when it happens. My dizziness and numbness sensation ease once I get hypervenalting under control

acclerates your heart beat - I get chest pains also and sometimes it feels like a butterfly, like my heart is fluttering.

stimulates secretion of the sweat glands

inhibits digestion and you may vomit or feel nauseated

stimultes glucose production and release in the liver

stimulates secreation of epinephrine and norepinephrine - andrenal glands giving you that adrenilne dump.

ETA- this is what happens to me when my startle is jacked with...

[goingonhope]

Having a definate problem today with intrusive thoughts and body memory flashbacks. Barely managed to sit for 2 hrs. at hair stylists, and then needed to wait another 1 hr. while children had hair washed and cut. Having a very difficult time bc it's now the middle of our day and I don't really have the time to stop. Children want my attention and I have things I must do and yet these thoughts and sensations are present with me, having disrupted my entire day. I mean I didn't stop doing what needed to get done, I did however struggle almost in every moment trying to re-focus my attention and blot out what kept creeping into my mind and struggled to ignore my body, how it feels and how I feel. Basically put on a great big act today, as I feel like any moment I could go just break down and go into panic attack. Most especially felt this way while sitting at salon, and truly feared that I might lose control and have a panic attack. Worked really hard to focus and re-focus, and focus and re-focus my attention to the present. Won't really comment any further on the specific trauma, as it's memory sickens me and I don't know what it can do to me.....and I must stay address other trauma first, if I'm going to address any trauma at all. And, I have no desire or willingness, or time to do any of this today. Hoping I can pretend, and continue to act and put on some show today to get through this one.

[veiled]

Hope, that is one of the things I literally threw a fit about and vented it out here. I must address my other trauma first... Only one trauma at a time!!! I got bombarded. I started just letting them all spill and I have done decent so far. I mean not to say I stayed healthy, panic free, and slept soundly. By far the other way around. But as they comeout and what is riding me the hardest at the time I get out, as it gets addressed other crap scream to go first and I work on the loudest one. I am chipping away at them.

But opening up one trauma my mind decided to fill with all and had memories come back. It truly sucks. But your mind does not see it as one single trauma at a time, tramua as I was told are a bit intertwined and one you work on pulls up the next, it is truly a mental juggling act.

Then throw in daily normal life stress yuck. I wish you could have viewed it as a little pampering for getting your hair done. I cut my own LOL, and with the toddler hollering and everyone going nuts I was not paing close attention... Wacked off about 8 inches! Did not mean to do that heavy of a trim but it was still long LOL. I have not trimmed my hair in a while (let it play catch up) You did great getting out and getting things done. Look at the positves you are doing.

Be proud of yourself getting things done and just pace yourself as much as you can.

[goingonhope]

Hope, that is one of the things I literally threw a fit about and vented it out here. I must address my other trauma first... Only one trauma at a time!!! I got bombarded. I started just letting them all spill and I have done decent so far.

But opening up one trauma my mind decided to fill with all and had memories come back. It truly sucks.

But your mind does not see it as one single trauma at a time, tramua as I was told are a bit intertwined and one you work on pulls up the next, it is truly a mental juggling act.


Saw and tried reading your response yesterday Veiled...far too frightening for me yesterd. Did my best to blot it out. Today, still frightening. Every other word triggers and provokes memory of this rape. I'm feeling mortified.

...I got bombarded
...as they come out
...what is riding me the hardest I get out
...scream to go first
...But opening up
...to fill with all
...It truly sucks!
...yuck
...I wish you could have viewed it as a little pampering
...hollering and everyone going nuts I was not paying close attention
...Wacked off about 8 inches.
...Did not mean to do that heavy of a trim, but it was still long.
...You did great getting out and getting things done.
...Be proud of yourself getting things done

Oh' it hurts...I'm so sad...So sick and distorted in my thinking...shoved it all aside yesterd. best I could...as there was very little choose in that matter without breaking down, and I just couldn't...I wrote about much of the rape this morning, just haven't shared it yet...Can't really imagine doing so either, as fear that I'm going to be told, (or as bad someone secretely thinking) I deserved it and that's what young girls are for. Oh' no this is too much and it hurts. I can't stand it. I hate it. I want it to go away, and to stop. I hate every mf who condones this sickening shit. I feel so alone and I'm afraid I won't survive. Afraid I can't help myself. Scared I can't tell the truth, as I'll be called a f'n liar. Or corrected by some imbecile and told I had it coming, I asked for, I wanted it....now you got it and live with...that I'm nothing but someone's garbage or disposal. ....I'm just to sick right now, shouldn't be sharing any of this. Some would like me to think I'm a no good bitch- (male and female from the night of the rape). Never, ever thought, of myself this way or behaved this way. Now you'all probably think I'm some threatening, sicko'..., in fact rather different. Feeling not quite as sad as I continue typing, now feeling damn angry. If that man was here I like to think I could put a bullet through his face, but rather fear, I'd just be some congenial coward.

Veiled, that's exactly what I feel like...that I must stay focused on one trauma and confront it, or else trauma's flooding into my memory, intertwined and combined, I fear could kill me. I mean really f'n kill me. And, I've been doing my best dealing with this occurance, but it was sparing me HAVING to feel and look at in my face certain intrusive memories having to do with some awful horror. Horror to me! Absol. f'n horror bc my soul and life didn't matter one ounce. And, the rest of what you said above is so damn true, about the mind deciding to flood with memories. Understood 100%!

Must end now abruptly, but hope to get out more later. Those little phrases I pulled all have provoked frightening thoughts and some with signif. meaning to me in my story of being raped. Oh' by the way the beginning of Dec. is the anniversary of this horror. Now, quite truthfully I've had a hard time believing that a such thing as the mind remembering an anniversary of a trauma, is possible, but perhaps it really is.

[Nam]

Hope, no one, especially here, will tell you that you deserved your trauma. You didn't deserve it. It's not your fault, it was theirs.

I'm sorry you're having a rough go, but I think you're on the right track, trying to get it all out. Pace yourself, as Veiled said. It's hard to do because the pressure is mounting. I'm glad you're here and getting it out though.

Oh' by the way the beginning of Dec. is the anniversary of this horror. Now, quite truthfully I've had a hard time believing that a such thing as the mind remembering an anniversary of a trauma, is possible, but perhaps it really is.
It's possible. While I was growing up, the month of August seemed very difficult for me. I grew angry, and irritable, and sad. My parents and I thought it was anxiety from school about to start. But I also thought maybe it wasn't because I enjoyed school (at that point), and I only hated the beginning of the month. After finding my adoption records when I was 15, I found that my father had died in a drowning on Aug. 9th during a fishing trip. My mind remembered the time of year this was happening even though I was only four or five at the time and that there is a language barrier. I don't even know how the lunar calendar goes there.... It actually freaks me a out a little bit.

[veiled]

It is amazing what the mind remembers, and what we don't actively, reading your post triggered a memory for me... Not a bad one, actually pleasant but it did confirm the time frame I was raped and almost met my maker, and his return forcing into my apt. gotta put that in my diary... See I always just had a hunch or gut feeling it was then, now with remembering this it confirms.

Hope, I would post what you alreay wrote. As since you wrote it you did the hard part getting it out of you, maybe stick in your diary (you may have by now I don't know yet!) You know or should know we are all going to support you and not lay blame. This place is not a place to lay judgement, but to help you if you want help. And the things that happened to you are not your fault!

And the anniversary is a trigger. I never thought it was a trigger for me at all! Then I stopped and thought about it. It makes sense now.

I am sorry you are feeling like this but since getting out of my anniversary phase I am improving. I see no reason you won't, this is one of those "the storm has to pass" and at least now I know what to watch for and when with this one. Thanks for jogging my memory.

[goingonhope]

Hope, no one, especially here, will tell you that you deserved your trauma. You didn't deserve it. It's not your fault, it was theirs.
God I hope you're right Nam ....and I should know veiled that we're all here to support one another and no one's going to lay judgement, but I don't in this frame of mind. I've really got to thinking that there is something about trauma anniv. as I desperately found this forum in Oct. and it's now Dec. and I had three huge consecutive traumas occur during these months and all in the same yr., one being the rape that I ment. another when I was almost successfully beaten to death and another when a man threatened to knife me into little bits and pieces. I really don't know what I'm doing tonight. I'm into something... that I simply do not know how to get out of and I need some relief soon.

Thanks Nam and Veiled for your support. Thank you!

[anthony]

Hope, don't put excessive pressure upon yourself. It takes time to heal, and the only thing you can do during it, is find as much patience as you can in order to give yourself the time to work through it. The box is open, and it must be healed. Healing is a result of working through everything, learning, and time. If you beat yourself up over not healing fast enough, your just adding more issues to your list.

[goingonhope]

Just so depressed tonight. Don't even know where to begin to cope with the rest of this evening. I'm a new to acknowledging depression. What is it? What does it look like? How does it manifest itself in you? What do I do with it? How do you function when you have to, and still be depressed? How do you figure out what's causing it? Does being depressed mean that I am doing something terribly wrong or just plain bad and in fact unworthy? How do I know I am depressed and not instead being punished by God and being provided with some lesson that I'm suppose to learn from? Is something I'm doing wrong, causing my depression? Should I be taking medication? Sorry to sound like such a nuisance, it's just that tonight I'm sitting with a head full of confusion and questions and no answers or solutions. My focus and concentration is shot; Short-term memory shot. Can't seem to think straight for long, for the last couple weeks....Just so depressed and angry with myself and fearful tonight. Feel so weak and like a big pain in the ass to everyone. Not particularly asking these questions of anyone now, just spouting them out. There all here in my head. If anyone does have a few thoughts on this subject it would be helpful though. Do apoligize for not being upbeat, funny, spirited all that good stuff tonight. Hope my depression passes soon, bc though I'm not in the habit of admitting to having it, have certainly lived with it. I think myself :stupid: in even writing and admitting to all this.

[goingonhope]

After finding myself so confused, in so much denial and ignorance surrounding depression, in early Dec. I gathered together much info. on this subject and put it altogether for myself into a Powerpoint presentation, which is just about complete. Now I can just open it up, click, click, click and feel good about myself and what I personalized & designed. And learn, while hoping to imbed this new info. in my head at the same time. Knew I had to do this bc of my enorm. denial and my stereotyped presumptions and misconceptions, of what depression is.

As a kid, and the youngest of everyone, both untreated and ill-properly treated, depressive people with all their DEPRESSION surrounded me and it felt as though it threatened to swallow me up. In fact, it did have quite a powerful affect upon me.

There was the obsessively hateful, selfish and cruel bastard who walked into our lives for nearly 20yrs., oh' and he happened to have a diagnosis of Manic Depressive disorder, which was always the excuse for the bastard that he was. It took me yrs. to figure out that many people with this disorder are good people. That him having this disorder, had nothing whatsover to do with his manip. visciousness selfishness and cruelty. He just happened to be the ultimate in A'sho'es, and have this condition. *Our confusion, my frustration, the terror, my disgust and repulsion and the rage, indifference and hatred, he provoked in me.

Then there was his depressive daughter, diagnosed with schzoiphrenia, *And my feelings of nervousness, sadness and pity shifting to fear, depression, horror and shame.

......and his depressive son with severe drug addiction and a manic depressive diagnosis, *scared the b'geezee's out of me, my sadness, shock and the fear and suspense of what he might attempt next.

......and his other daughter w/ a M.dep. condition, who happened to be extrem. cruel like her father, *had respected her for surviving life w/ her father until she tried to railroad me into state mental institution all bc I accid. overdosed on a handful of pills while surrounded by just Horrible and extreme Negativity.

......and then my mother suffering much depression, *my lonliness, neurotic guilt, shame and frustration

......my drug addicted sister, and all her new lovers, IMHO, fr.... she brought home (real strange type people) *I felt disgusted, angry, fearful and was full of self-pride

....my other sister (most likely suffering PTSD) and depressed and suicidal at the age of 9. *Always felt an awful grief and sadness and guilt that I couldn't have been there for her.

OMG, and then the others....I won't even go there, bc I'm not sure it's ok, or even near normal to express myself, as I have been above, like this here. And besides, remembering them gives me the some real willies and creeps. yuck.

[goingonhope]

OMG, and then the others....

......some real willies and creeps. yuck.:frown:
......and, my depressive aunt. o' how observing her, her family and their lifestyle ever scared the b'geezee's out of me and was an ever CONSTANT reminder of how powerless and impotent I was to do anything to help those innocent children. I was a child myself, but they were far younger than I, and needed someone within the family to be responsible and stop that most severe neglect and the abuse. It deeply saddened me to visit with my Mom and see the filth they were being raised in. The dirt and grime which remained all over their little faces and bodies, and the foul smell. The entrapment within their rotten playpen until they were app. 4 1/2 yrs. old, the many obstacles as to why they couldn't go out and breath the fresh air, and in a lovely, woodsy, neighborhood, too. The embarrassment others and myself felt when aunt would continually wear filthy rotten bra as halter top, out into public and at least once even into the grocery store. I could speak for mo. upon the depravity, fright and our horror, of all the drama, the images, words and foul smells which were Tragic, for those kids, and seemed so damn' unneccessary. I once loved those kids, my cousins, and knew nothing of how to help them and stop their suffering.

......my uncle and his kids and my experience and witness, and all the repulsive stories too, all contributed and valid. my most fearful visions of how untrustworthy and/or rotten, I was re-assured, poor people must be. Now as an adult, I can most obviously see that poor has far less, perhaps little to nothing, to do with it and being mentally disturbed and wretched far more.

[veiled]

Hope, you are doing well getting this out of you. I say keep going, let it out.

[anthony]

Hope, do you think your presentation will help others? If so, please send it to me and I will convert it into a flash presentation and put it within the learning centre.

[goingonhope]

There was the obsessively hateful, selfish and cruel bastard who walked into our lives for nearly 20yrs.,..

*Our confusion, my frustration, the terror, my disgust and repulsion and the rage, indifference and hatred, he provoked in me.
Had a most bizarre and horrible nightmare last night with this guy in it. He was there with the rest of my family and I, at a beach, formulating and directing some cruel and nasty behaviors towards me. My other family memb. were partaking and when I was at my most horrified they were smiling, laughing and having fun....that man, my mother's boyfriend, he'd motivate them all and then could often be seen standing back and observing with a smile and the appearance of much joy. When they slowed down and got distracted from the abusing, tormenting and terrorizing me so, he'd simply join-in, and re-motivate. Now this was only my nightmare last night, but my God, the dynamics most familiar, frightening and once again revealing to me.

Facing this day today, with him on my mind a great deal....nervous and dealing with intrusive memories of him, his nature, his threats and visions of his face, while I'm trying to live in the present, with children today and their many needs ....Feeling frustrated, stress is building and just plain afraid and haunted by memories of this man today.

Ending and will be extra careful...... as needs and life, with all it's constant demands and interruptions, doesn't stop for anything and I'm beginning to feel real angry. Losing it right now, and I can't say how badly this f'n feels and sucks. Ouuchhh'

[goingonhope]

and then the others....

I've decided to continue Sharing here, Expressing and Getting out the many other people who once either lived with us (FOO), or were extended family memb.'s, or were related in such a way as to visit and too frequently. Here goes:

As I've told about earlier, there was my, let's say, step-brother, (if you believe in common wealth marriage). He is my step-dad's:


......depressive son with severe drug addiction and a manic depressive diagnosis, *scared the b'geezee's out of me, my sadness, shock and the fear and suspense of what he might attempt next.

Well, J***** J*, Everything, !
.....deteriorated and progressed, over the yrs. and before my eyes, into one frighteningly indigent and spiritually bankrupt type of guy. His progression was shocking to me.

Once a young 18yr. old, attractive, very smart young man, he became shockingly disgraced. The incidences of depraved acts, as well as, progressively unfolding mental illness took over and in charge of his life.

That there is another story......,
[......which I and being the youngest was fully aware of. (I felt and witnessed his progression unfold from my age of 6/7 to about 25 yrs. old. Not only bc I was not protected from 'All That Was Openly Said', but also bc there was an indifference, complete lack of regard for me, and what felt like my mother's perverse desire to afflict me with her negative controlling beliefs that the world was nothing more than completely awful, to dread and to become knowledgeable, by her, of the truth (her truth). She just knew and attempted to make sure I knew too, and she strove to inform me, time and again, of this:

'Nothing absol. Nothing but illness, depression, grief, heartache, helplessness and hopelessness exists, and will ever exist, for each memb. of our family. Her almost, if not daily message for me: Don't bother trying! Don't bother hoping! You'll be fooling yourself. ] ,,,,,,

So back to and in regards to step-brother, J***** J*. He found a girlfriend and got himself an apartment with her and her 3yr. old son. And, he's the little one that I remember visiting our house, seeing, thinking about how cute and adorable he was, and wondering, (while only in my elem. yrs.), Does he really belong to them? How do they take care of him? I thought. I observed them talk and behave derangedly, and thought to my disgust and horror, he's going home with them.

While playing tot games with this little boy, I looked into his eyes and saw his vulnerability, his innocence and experienced the presence of God. He was beautiful, a lovely little darling, playful kid, and I fell in love with this little boy, just like anyone might do having been so fortunate as to meet yet another beautiful creation of God. I grew intently interested in his well-being and so over mo.'s and yrs. I asked about him time and again.

Mom answered my questions for me, and many times, whether or not I'd ask first. In those early yrs. my mother had to drag me along to J***** J*'s apt. with her to give him money, talk to him, get his stuff for him if he was presently in an institution, and/or get him out of trouble. I'd go along and sit, observe, listen and absorb.

To make a long story short, this little boy was being given drugs, given alcohol, and though first the pot was blown in his face, for the adult moron's laughter, soon after this kid was taught to later smoke his own joints, even taught how to roll them, talk the language and approach my eldest sister requesting, "Do you have any marijuana, that I, J***, and my mom can have. This was all before the age of 6yrs. old for him, and at age 4, this little guy was and more than once, convulsing on the livingroom floor of his Mom's apt. I know this bc I'd overhear my step-brother giggling, chatting and bragging about how interesting it was to watch this little boy convulse and when not as seriously affected, to watch him beg and plead and tantrum, demanding that he too get just another hit off the joint they were smoking, more swigs from their drinks and who knows what else.

Right now I'm remembering a conversation J*****, J*'s was having and how, it was hysterical to tell this kid No more, wait it out and watch. I'd talk with my mother about what I'd heard, and she say, Yes, it's all true! When I questioned her about the convulsions her answer was, Yes, real convulsions.

Why TF, did No one IMMEDIATELY step in to protect this ............(sobbing),


OMG, I hurt so much right now. Not complaining. It just feels so good to cry right now, but my God, I do wish I could reach out to that little kid again.

And, if it was then, again right now..........and, I know it's not right, and probably not even fair, but I'd slap my mother across her face for her nonchalance, casaul and sickenly disgusting attitude and directness to me about this enorm. loss and abuse to, and in the life of this very precious little boy. Words, cannot express how badly I felt about it all. Everything, Then, it just all pointed straight at me coming to the belief: Every single adult family memb. in and surrounding this family, and a family I don't even want to admit I know, they're nothing more than stupid, ignorant, incompetent, ..............................,
.................................................,
morons !

Of course, I doubt I had the words then, but when this same nonchalance and the continuing rotten abuse occurred time and again in, around and with others whom I loved dearly, and as well as to myself, ....over many, many yrs., .........well then is when I first developed these words, as part of my vocabul.