Feeling Kind of Alone...

[reallydown]

This may sound weird, especially since everyone here is supportive and can relate to the PTSD symptoms I have...and yet I find myself somewhat alone. Perhaps it's because I can't really relate to anyone in terms the experiences that led to this in the first place...I guess the vets in the forum are the ones I can most closely relate to and yet our expereinces are probably vastly different...

[batgirl]

Reallydown, I don't have the same experiences as you, but I do relate to what you're saying about feeling alone. I feel the same way, in the sense that there are not many people whose fathers do what mine did. I know there is occasionally an incident like what happened to me, but I have never met another person with my experience. I'm still hoping to, however.

I also can appreciate relating to the vets on the forum, as I come from a military family.... both my parents were in the military, my 2 uncles are also career military, and my grandfather was a career soldier who served in WW2 and Korea. I grew up around military adults almost exclusively. And I saw the effects on my father, after he came back from Kosovo especially. Now that I am no longer living on a base or around military people, I do feel quite out of place, living among civilians. I'm a civilian myself of course, was never in the military, but as third generation army brat you do feel rather different.

Anyways I don't think what you're saying is weird at all. I feel like that a lot. I wish I had something more to say, something really profound or whatever haha, but I don't, sorry. Just know that I get what you're saying.

[mumtofour]

I dont know your story or what led to your PTSD, I'm new here, but willing to listen when you need an ear to bend. Though you may feel alone, know that you are not. We are all here for you.

[reallydown]

Thank you both; much appreciated.

Batgirl--It helps to know that you get what I'm saying; Having read what you shared, I can't even imagine what that must feel like; I admire you for being here and trying to work it out. It takes a lot of courage.

Mum--In short, I spent part of my childhood in a war zone and am having a really hard time with that now, especially seeing the news and what's going on every day--triggers, triggers everywhere...Thanks for the support. I only hope that I may be able to support you too... :)

[batgirl]

Reallydown, I don't watch the news anymore; it bothers me, too. Nor do I buy newspapers much. Actually I find listening to the news over the radio is a bit easier, if I feel the need to know what's going on the world. At least there are no images, and usually no sound effects, either.

[veiled]

I go to the point even news radio was overload. Hubs borrows the car and it is on when I start it. I want to hear it, I just know what happens when I do...

[anthony]

RD, I know exactly what your saying. I often feel like I have on operations, when your sitting around in your farter waiting to go out or just resting from all the work just done. It is like an unrealistic void, somewhere between a dream and reality even. We call it "spaced out" "zoned out" and other things, but I often get that feeling when I feel alone, even though others are around me, I still just feel empty at times.

Its interesting really as to why this occurs.

[reallydown]

Yea, it totally feels like being "spaced out" and completely out of touch with the rest of the world...but I guess what I was trying to say is that I sometimes feel alone here in the sense that nobody here seems to have experienced war as a civilian/child...

[cookie]

hey, rd, you are not alone, you are unique! nothing wrong with that. you're never going to be alone as long as we are here. i feel that estrangement from the rest of the world often myself, especially if i am out around all the businesses(gas stations, resturants, etc.) it seems so ugly and unreal, or maybe i feel unreal, who knows? that seems to be part of this ptsd.
cathy

[anthony]

RD, I wouldn't worry about that, because you will find someone is reading your posts that has, or someone will come here soon enough that has experienced a war zone as a civilian.

Its funny really, because even though when in the military, I actually got to see both sides of things, because sometimes we would have to go places where we just couldn't take weapons or be in uniform, so it was surreal to be in the populous of civilians, as a civilian, with no weapons or support, just fitting in with civilians to achieve other tasks.

So in a way, I do kind off know from both sides... though I was still military as such for a job.

[reallydown]

Wow Anthony, that must've been kind of surreal...and scary, going in without your weapons and not knowing what'd happen...

I don't know what's going on with me but lately, things that were not much of a problem before now are...I get anxious in places with lots of tall buildings...I keep thinking there are snipers on the rooftops...

[Terry]

RD I feel the same way most of the time. I feel alone even with family and friends around and them telling me to be calm, that I am safe. I try to get out of the house, go out into the public. Big bad cop just runs back home and hides.

[reallydown]

Yeah, I hide a lot too...I go to school becaus eI have to but not much beyond that...and even at school, I always sit away from windows...actually close to the door so I can split if I have to

[reallydown]

Thanks everyone for making me feel a little less alone...

[reallydown]

Bad day today...back to feeling alone...I hop eit wasn't intentional but have a hard time believing it wasn't...

[batgirl]

Sorry you had a bad day... are you feeling any better now?

[cookie]

what do you mean, ra, what do you hope is unintentional? you are not alone, we are here.
cathy

[reallydown]

still not feelign great...though i am a little better

oops...yeah i didn't say why...just thought someone was mocking me with regard to what i'm going through...i'm gonna leave it at that for now

thanks for the support

[veiled]

RD, I can assure you no one mocked you. PTSD is what it is and we share the symptoms all the same. It is painful for us all. But I think it may be important to express why you may have thought you were mocked. If you get it out you can be shown what is meant. We are all very guarded at first. It is a hard road but you have to be so open to be helped I learned.

While I may not have been in the same situation as you I have the same result. One of the reasons of my move. Like the news thing. I am local to a lot of my trauma, a murder happened where I was abused. I was hurt and I ran and hid in a field one night and lied on my belly in the grass to not be found for wht seemed like forever ny the ex that was going to kill me (he had no intentions of killing me then just whoop me). It was so hard as hubs watching news showed that same field, it was a murder scene. It triggered me bad, hubs pointed out a major reaon I need to move. I cannot fuction here period, and I have to accept that.

RD, open up about it so we can all help you.

[reallydown]

Oh sorry if I gave the impression that someone here mocked me...not at all...it was actually one of my profs...but I'm not ready to go into details...And yes, there is the possibility that it wasn't done on purpose

Oh Veiled, that's a terrible situation...I'd probably have to move too under such circumstances.

[beatle_bailey]

Hello Reallydown

yesturday ,, was a long day ,, for the same reason ,, but I have bin dealing with this for a long time ,, and have a couple of ways to deal with the differant symtoms,,
I am an Alcoholic ,, not because of PTSD ,, but I drank away the symtoms till i would POP,, later I got sober , and WoW every thin came out ,, :angry-fla :die: :hit-boss: :wall: get the point ,, had a real hard time for years ,,
But back to yesturday,, I felt like no one understood ,, so I went to AA and was pissed of till about 4pm when I finally found a guy who the some of the same troubles as I ,, all the other piss ants had left , after talking a while I calmed down and had a better day , went to a good metting ,even got to help another person ,,
now you may not have the same kind of outlet but you deffinatly are not alone ,, some times I can,t get out of my own way , I find myself walking in circles and can get nothing done , depressed , selfloathing, feeling so alone it hurts ,, I'm glad I do have a friend or 2 and this site ,, the other night I found somone on this sight , I reached out and asked if we could chat a min. and it helped me get thru the night ,,,
where did you grow up ,, talk about it ,, I had no growth till I let it all out ,, but take advise from who you can , people like Anthony or others ,
but please reach out like you just did hear and some one will respound
:thumbs-up Beatle

[reallydown]

still in this stupid slump...don't really see a way out at the moment...

[batgirl]

Sorry you're still feeling badly, RD... do you want to write anything more about it?

[Nam]

You and me both, RD.

[reallydown]

Batgrill....not yetm...

[batgirl]

Well take your time... don't be like me and post too much at once and then get all upset...

Anyways I hope you are feeling somewhat better now. Take care of yourself.

[reallydown]

Thanks Batgirl, appreciate it

[reallydown]

May I ask the powers that be to please lock this thread as it has come to my attention that it is part of a disturbing trend--I shall certainly not wish to distrurb anyone. Please excuse the transgression.

RD

[batgirl]

Hmm... RD I really don't think that new thread about a disturbing trend was meant to point the finger at anyone in particular.

[anthony]

RD, that post has nothing to do with this thread actually, especially considering I have not read this thread... or atleast if I posted in it, not afterwards, but I will make a point of it now.

People have to stop taking things so personal, because PTSD is not personal, its a killer.

[anthony]

Oh, there ya go, I did post in it on the first page. RD, this has got nothing to do with you as an individual, that thread has got to do with many people that upon this forum that over the last month or two are looking for something that doesn't exist. If you take this stuff personal, you most likely don't want to discuss trauma with me too much then, because I pretty much get in a persons face, not sit around and twiddle my thumbs tip toeing around them.

Please stop thinking so personal.

[becvan]

RD, enough is enough. It's time to get off your arse and start dealing with your symptoms rather than looking for pity or sympathy. We all end up dealing with the same symptoms from the same cause; PTSD. That thread was an informational thread for the benefit of all our members, not just one person. Every thread and post you have started in this forum has been all about your symptoms yet you refuse to see that we all deal with the same thing and that there are answers if you are willing to begin the healing process. So far, you haven't even made an attempt to begin healing, look for options or hear anyone out, if it isn't what you want to hear. No one here is going to hold your hand and tell you exactly what you want to hear. A) we all have PTSD and are too blunt for that B) we all want to heal which is why we are here. This is your kick to your arse. Get off your pity pot and start considering doing something about your situation rather than continuing like this. You are not alone, because you have us, and you know it. We can and do understand since we deal with the same issue as you; PTSD. You are alienating yourself from us, not the other way around. Cut it out.

Bec

[batgirl]

RD, I do understand taking things personally, as I do that myself. Any time there's some problem or complaint, on the internet here or in 'real' life, my automatic reaction is, it's either my fault, a punishment for something I've done in the past, or involves me in some other insidious way. It gives me one more opportunity to blame myself for everything, and feel guilty because I'm a bad person. But I've learned to fight that feeling, because quite frankly, as much as I might want to be the centre of the universe, I'm not.

[anthony]

I totally agree with Bec... there is no room for self sympathy if you want to heal PTSD. To beat PTSD you must become assertive, you must become confident, which means no room to sit and cry "poor me"... its an ineffective negative method in which only drags a person further down. Basically, if you are not ready to heal RD, then your just not ready, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I don't make any quarms that I myself will not provide much of my time to those who are not interested in helping themselves or healing, because that is the aim of the forum after all, to get better, not suck sympathy from others. There are people here who really want to heal, and are healing, there are people that want knowledge, they want to throw reasoning around and see what comes out for them, all of which does not involve self sympathy.

As bec said, that thread is a general thread I posted about a trend that is occurring, and it is disturbing to watch people put themselves down the shit tube, and I WILL do my best in order to keep people going in the right direction, not known negative directions. Sure, if someone is adement that they must explore that area, then say so, and I am more than happy to support someone walking into a negative corner, because that is how we learn, but I won't provide sympathy for doing so.

I think people confuse the aim of this forum. We are not a support sympathy forum, far from it. We support and help those that WANT to help themselves. If you don't want to help yourself, then you will certainly not get much support here, near guaranteed actually.

[Josh77]

anthony,
You and Bec are totally correct!! I, too, was starting to fall into the same negative direction by dragging my feet (out of fear of more pain) with the next step in my healing process, but after reading this thread (and others), i have realized that i was stuck and posting threads about the same topic while at the same time not doing what was suggested for me to do to move on... well, i've gotten past that and now have completed that step and i actually feel much better now.
But, i must also point out that it is very easy to fall into self-pity MODE! Sometimes people need to be told bluntly what they are doing wrong or what they NEED to do (as in my case).

[becvan]

Hehe, hence our blunt posts eh? :rofl:

Bec

[anthony]

Yep, well... if people think I didn't have a blunt stick poked at me, think again, because I did. I had some pretty experienced people to help guide me, and blunt is an understatement. I was kicked in the arse so much it hurt, but it made me realise a whole lot of what I was doing was wrong, and what I needed to do was start taking my own life, my own future a whole lot more serious. They couldn't help me, only I could help myself, thus here I am today, healed and living life. We all need this type of kick in the pants in order to get moving... for those that just refuse it, well... there is nothing I or another can really do if people aren't willing to help themselves. I have learnt to just walk away after a certain time, instead of banging my own head upon the wall. When people want help, I will help them, no issues, but when people want sympathy, I just can't do it because I know where it leads..... know where.

[anthony]

I do believe that RD is actually doing alright now... but that is for RD to say here, not me. We have all walked this path, some see it clearer than others, some never see it, but that every member here must accept, that you can only save yourself, you can't save everyone else.