Uncle Trying to Contact Me

[batgirl]

Last night, I found out through a childhood friend of mine, that my uncle, my father's older brother who is also in the military, is looking for me and wants to see me. I guess he approached her asking where I was... he's been looking for me ever since I took off 5 years ago. He almost found me 3 years ago, but I moved again and changed my name. He and my aunt are not bad people, in fact, they were always very good to me, like a second set of parents almost, but up until now I have not wanted any contact with my family or people from my past. It's been too painful. Plus he is still in the military, so that's another trigger for me.

The last time he tried to contact me, I was really angry with him and couldn't move fast enough to "escape"... now however I feel kind of guilty for running away from him and everyone else. I guess I'm wondering if I should meet with him or let him find me or whatever. I'm very very afraid though, I don't want to fall to pieces.

I know obviously this is a decision I have to make for myself, but if anyone has thoughts on it, please share them.

[veiled]

It is family you have hidden from, you may very well fall to pieces. I really do not know what to say here. But I am willing to bet they just want to make sure you are OK, and you are not. But they may very well expect that and be able to give you support needed.

Why were you angry last time, just because he was trying to find you? You will learn in time you can't hide forever and sad as it is and as fresh as it will be for us, to those around us they move on...

If you fall to pieces it may not be such a bad thing for family that loves you to help catch you.

Maybe a brief contact via e mail or something to test the waters if you find it impossible face to face and see where they are emotionally and what their attitude about all of this is? Again like I said I do not know what to say, and certainly a choice you have to make yourself like you said.

[batgirl]

Why were you angry last time, just because he was trying to find you? You will learn in time you can't hide forever and sad as it is and as fresh as it will be for us, to those around us they move on...

Well, it's kind of hard to explain. Ever since the shooting, I get afraid and then angry, and have an urge to run away, if anyone acts like they care about me too much. The anger is kind of a reaction to being afraid. I get pissed off at people who scare me, even though it's not really their fault. And I think I was angry with him because I just wanted to be left alone, and to be alone... and I didn't want him to interfere with that. At that point too, I actually wanted be someone else, I sort of created this fantasy in my mind of being a different person with a different family and experiences, and my aunt and uncle coming after me was kind of like facing reality I guess. And I didn't want to do that.

If you fall to pieces it may not be such a bad thing for family that loves you to help catch you.

Part of me knows that seeing them and/or re-establishing a relationship with them would likely be very good for me. They would be very supportive, and honest with me. My uncle has been sober in AA since before I was born, my aunt is in Al-Anon, and they really live the principles of the program in all areas of their lives. They are pretty healthy people emotionally. I guess that kind of scares me too because I don't want to be the sick one. I don't want anyone taking care of me or trying to tell me what to do.

I'm also terrified of losing it. Crying or whatever. I don't do that in front of other people. And I'm not their niece anymore, at least not as they knew me. I'm a different person and I don't want them to be disappointed or whatever that I'm not the same person.

Actually I feel really really guilty too, for having run away and breaking off contact. In the last year or so, I've thought about how I did that, and I was 19 at the time, never lived on my own, and suddenly I just disappear ... how scared and worried people must have been. Like maybe they even thought I was dead. And that makes me ashamed of myself. Ugh.

Maybe a brief contact via e mail or something to test the waters if you find it impossible face to face and see where they are emotionally and what their attitude about all of this is? Again like I said I do not know what to say, and certainly a choice you have to make yourself like you said.

Yes I'm debating email or maybe a phone call. I'm supposed to get back to my friend about it, my uncle gave her his contact info, hoping that I might respond. He told her he had considered hiring a private investigator to track me down, but he didn't want to scare me. So I think he does realize that I have fears. Anyways thanks veiled, I really appreciate it and it was good for me to get my feelings out about it. Now I'm really tired again and feel like going to bed. That is my way of dealing with stuff that's too difficult... sigh.

[JoannaG]

Trying to deal with family or being in the towns where your trauma happened is so hard for me as well. Sometimes we just get so wrapped up in ourselves that we feel safer keeping the distance, self protect mode if you know what I mean and I am sure you do. I still have three sisters and two brothers left and all have 100% different opinions of how my trauma's have affected my life and theirs. Only one sister and neice will talk with me anymore. That is their choice and mine,
I relate how you feel about being a different person now and being angry and scared at the same time. No one says you have to discuss your trauma with them unless you want to. I chose to personally contact mine as I had to know for myself if I was the only one abused.
It is a hard choice for you, but if there is love and support there for you the contact may be good for you and your family. Maybe for them to visit you, not the other way around with a request of civilian garb only during the visit.
Email or a phonecall is a good start you can always hang up or not reply if you are not comfortable with how the contact is going. I am sure they have fears too.

[veiled]

batgirl, if you need a rest take it, it is going to be a very emotional decision for you and I can't imagine how it would not be!

But the AA thing. Now my hubs has been sober for about 13 years?? He went the AA route. I think him doing that has been very beneficial in helping me and give understanding to me even though PTSD is not the same as being an alcoholic.

The getting too much care would be hard for you. Look what happened with your father who loved you and was never unkind. It is very understandable why you would want to keep family at bay. It scares you, how it couldn't it?

I really doubt they will see you as sick. Nor the "sick one". Alcoholism is scary and carries a stigma too. And like my husband you don't stop being one just because you learn to stop drinking. Once an alcoholic always one... That is how he sees it any way.

I don't think they would expect the same girl. Or that they would have hard feelings about you splitting, I think anyone with half a brain would get it...

The way you describe them it sounds like it could actually be healthy in the long term to just let them know you are alive and what issues you are addressing, like PTSD. That way they could have a chance to be educated on it, maybe suggest a book for them to read and go from there. Just tossing out ideas. You and how you feel is what counts and if you feel ready for such a leap.

I am not certain those tears you would shed would be all bad, but more of a chance to grab a part of you that was lost and has shown up. Uncle knows you have issues honestly. Why on Earth would he be afraid of scaring you with someone locaating you? I think he is hip already to what you think you are hiding.

Just my opinion, at least drop him an e mail so you can hit back space as many times as you want, no responses needed that second as in talking does. That way they digest it and any response you get to do the same. Suggest that book to them. Give them the tools to know how you need to be handled. I think you and them deserve that.

Curious is this dad's brother or mom's? I am reaching out for dad's... but still applies to either. He has a lot of pain and guilt he may be carrying too... Why he did not see it coming and so on.

Good luck on what ever choice you make and know we won't knock you for it. You are just getting your feet wet healing.

[batgirl]

Thanks for responding, Joanna. My whole day seems to have become consumed with this issue and I'm having trouble concentrating on much else, so it's nice to be able to write more, even if I feel like I'm blathering on and on. I was able to nap for about an hour and a half, but I woke up with a stomach ache (related to this I'm assuming) and I'm really anxious. Tried doing the puff pattern breathing thing I learned, but it's not helping. Went to the basement to do laundry, and got badly startled by my landlady who was "just saying hi". Bleah. So now I'm shaking all over, too.

Anyways yeah I can't imagine going back to the base where it all happened. Luckily though my uncle and his wife don't live there; they live in a different part of the country. Actually a fair distance from here as well. So I don't think they're going to be showing up on my doorstep anytime soon, even if I decided to give them my address and phone number.

Anyways thanks again for the support. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who's had issues like this.

[batgirl]

The getting too much care would be hard for you. Look what happened with your father who loved you and was never unkind. It is very understandable why you would want to keep family at bay. It scares you, how it couldn't it?

Yes that's sooo true! I have had some CBT, and was told that stuff like what happened to me is rare, but a "normal" family life still really creeps me out. I still worry about people snapping without warning.

I hope you're right that they will get it and not see me as sick. The book is a good idea. I never thought of that.

I am not certain those tears you would shed would be all bad, but more of a chance to grab a part of you that was lost and has shown up. Uncle knows you have issues honestly. Why on Earth would he be afraid of scaring you with someone locaating you? I think he is hip already to what you think you are hiding.

See and that scares me too. That he KNOWS. God everything scares me.

Curious is this dad's brother or mom's? I am reaching out for dad's... but still applies to either. He has a lot of pain and guilt he may be carrying too... Why he did not see it coming and so on.

Yes he's my dad's older brother. And I'm sure he does feel badly about it all. He and my aunt were crying at the hospital when they visited. Ugh.

Good luck on what ever choice you make and know we won't knock you for it. You are just getting your feet wet healing.

Thanks, I appreciate that. I'm thinking about giving my friend my contact info, email or phone number or whatever, and let my uncle make the first move. At least, that seems easier to me at this point. But I'm not going to decide tonight, as I've got myself way too worked up and my stomach is killing me. Blah. Think I will go to bed again soon.

[batgirl]

Well, tonight I gave my friend permission to give my phone number to my uncle. So, now I'm just going to wait and see what happens...

[kimG]

Batgirl,

I was just faced with this very same thing, after being out of touch with any of my extended family for almost 14 years.

When I look back, the only reason I can find to explain why I stayed out of touch is fear. After my dad and mom died, I figured my brother would go and live with one of the relatives. And THAT made me no want anything to do with them ever again. I couldn't risk them letting him know where I was. Every time I spoke with one of them on the phone they wanted to know how he was doing. I tried to explain that I didn't know, didn't care, and didn't want to talk about him, but they always "forgot" my little "didn'ts". So I did one of the things I do best: I avoided them at all costs.

About 6 weeks ago, my husband and I had to make a trip to my parents' hometown, where almost all of the relatives live and where my parents are buried. It was a brief trip (getting there took longer than the time we spent there), but not only did we get what we went there for, but I also visited my parents' graves for the first time since my mother was buried. It was something that was important for my husband, one of his goals in life in helping me, and it was VERY good for me, healing in a way. However, when we got to the town, I had no idea of the name of the cemetery where they are buried, so I found my aunt & uncle's phone number and my husband called them to ask about it. He didn't tell them we were there, but he and my uncle talked a long time about what my life growing up was like and what my brother did to me - and I was sobbing in the background.
One of the things my uncle mentioned to him was an upcoming family reunion, about 2 weeks after we initially went there. My husband told me about it and while part of me thought it was something that I needed to do, a bigger part of me was scared to death. My mind was telling me that if I went, my brother would either be there too or would somehow find out where I live. No matter how much my husband talked to me about it, I wouldn't give the go-ahead to make plans to attend.

I finally agreed to let him call my uncle again and be on the other phone, listening in. My husband agreed to let me just listen until I felt comfortable enough to talk. They talked for about 20 minutes and then it was my turn. It turned out to be a very good, long talk.

Oh, and I did go to the reunion (the story is posted somewhere on this board). It was good to see every one once again. It was good to be down there. And, it was good to hear how no one wants to see my brother again. I did tell them that I can't ever see him again and they all said, "Yeah, we know he did bad things to you." I wanted so badly to say, "You only THINK you know what he did to me!!!", but I couldn't. Perhaps one day I'll be able to...

I tell you my story to let you know that my mind made it out to be worse than it was (as is usually the case with me). It was good for me. It was good for them. It was good for my kids to connect to relatives on my side of the family and to hear other people validate my feelings towards my brother.

BUT...your decision has to be yours. I suspect that it would be good for you to see them. But I also understand the trepidation in not wanting to see them. However, your uncle may understand the PTSD part of it all, seeing as how he is in the military himself.

I wouldnt suggest just showing up; instead email or call them first to re-establish the connection. Gauge the meeting/reunion on that phone call. If it goes well, then perhaps you can meet. If not, then you won't ever have to have anything else to do with them.

Good luck.

[batgirl]

Thanks so much kimG... I could really relate to the feelings you described, especially not wanting to see your relatives because they might ask you about your brother. I have a very similar fear... I don't want my uncle or other relatives to talk to me about my father. And that's part of why I've avoided them. Thanks for making me realize that!

As I said, tonight I gave my friend permission to give them my phone number. I'm kind of anxiously waiting to see if they will call tonight. I do hope it goes well, but like you say, if it doesn't, at least I won't have to feel I am hiding from them anymore.

[anthony]

I personally think you should contact him, so you can control the degree of contact, but don't cut him off. He obviously loves you dearly batgirl, because he is trying to contact you and see how you are, not hurt you. I think you need family now more than ever, to really help you face so many of the past demons batgirl. I think this is one of those things in life that could really help you, and then you have them to support you when you need it.

You said it yourself, they are not bad people... which means they really care about you and are concerned for you. They are hurting.... and I think the most you could do is maybe control the contact, not wait for them to find you. Pickup the phone and make a phone call.... and don't be scared to break. Breaking down is not a sign of weakness batgirl, don't think it is. It is your body telling you it needs to release the pain... just allow it too do its job. Your uncle and aunt are not going to think your any less a person by breaking down in front of them or whilst on the phone... you might just find that they are suffering similar pain in relation to what has occured.

[batgirl]

OMG I actually spoke to my uncle and aunt late last night!!!!!! I waited for them to call for about 2 hours, but my nerves and my stomach couldn't take it anymore so I ended up calling them first. Actually they had planned on waiting until the next day, since it was already late for me. Anyways we talked for a long time... over 2 hours. It was weird, when I called I was like, thinking to myself, okay I am going to tell them I'm fine, etc. Then I get on the phone and I just started bawling my eyes out.... which I NEVER do, even with my psychiatrist I never cried like that. I think I really freaked them out. They were both on the phone at the same time, and my aunt kept asking, "what can I do? tell me what to do." Bleah. So I really made a fool of myself. I feel like a big baby. And I think I've made them worry more, by being so upset.

We talked for a very long time, and I apologized to them for running away. Then they gave me some really shocking, sad news... my other uncle, my dad's other brother who is also in the military, was killed while on deployment overseas, just over 2 years ago. I am just sickened by this. I feel so terribly guilty for having taken off. My now 17 year old cousin, son of my uncle who was killed, has been getting into a lot of trouble since his dad's death, drugs, etc, and he was forced into a treatment program for teens. His mum didn't know what to do with him really, so after he got out of the residential treatment program he went to live with my uncle and aunt. He's doing better now apparently, still living with them. They have kids too, my 3 cousins, all boys... but they are all grown up... the youngest is just slightly older than me. They are all scattered round the country now, one in Ottawa, one in Alberta, one in Newfoundland. And they are all married!!!!! It's so weird, having to catch up with 5 years of news all of a sudden. Like veiled said, life goes on for everyone else.

They want to see me, of course. They want me to come to them for Christmas. They just bought a new house and my aunt was blathering on about how there is a bedroom for me with no carpet (I have asthma and allergies). Apparently 2 of my cousins are also coming home for Christmas with their wives, one of whom is expecting a baby, and well... I think the whole thing would be very overwhelming for me. Not sure I could handle so much excitement all at once, and at Christmas time, too!!

I should not have told them, but in the couse of our long conversation I did mention that I am not working, do not have a psychiatrist at present (I am on a waiting list for one), and don't really have any friends locally. So of course they think I should just up and leave everything, move in with them for a while and then get my own place close by. This is what I was afraid of. I feel really overwhelmed now. I was able to say though that change scares me a lot, and that I would have to think about everything. I told them I *might* be able to come see them in the new year, but I don't want to come right away and definitely not for Christmas. They were accepting of that but still kept talking about my special allergy-free bedroom being there whenever I wanted it... even TODAY if I wanted to come right away... just hop on the plane! As if it's that easy. Ugh.

Phew... well, I'm not sure how I feel now. More than a little overwhelmed. And that familiar bad feeling of having said too much all at once. I'm going to give it a rest for a couple of days, try to sort out all the information in my head. Whatever happens, at least I can be happy that I talked to them and didn't die as a result!

[batgirl]

OH and thanks anthony for your post. Forgot to say thanks. I really appreciate it especially since you are so busy right now with the new baby. I am going to finish up here and then probably disappear again for a day or two.

[veiled]

Wow! What wonderful news! Yes, Christmas would be just a bit much! Hell, I hate family gatherings... My mother keeps bugging about Christmas, no no and no? Why do I have to keep repeating it? Took a cheap shot though as I got a letter in the mail from my step dad's mom this weekend. She is going to be there and they know I love her. Old people get things... Not my parents but the really old. I get along with them a whole lot better!

I know the thought of moving may have your head all over! This "normal life" shit we hear about LOL. I am still convinced it has to be a fairy tale and not a reality. But that is exactly what we are doing here. I am walking away from my farm, leaving Texas all together and I was born here and lived here all my life. I am starting over in a new place with my family rearranged and it will be a whole new life.

We are going to be around my husband's family and they are tight knit. They are suppossed to help with me and the kids. My husband says that is what family does and when we had that baby and married I bacame family like it or not I have one. If someone has problems the other part of the family pulls what they can to help. He keeps telling me this is normal and the way I grew up was not.

I am scared shitless. I hate admitting I have a problem to the degree I need other people in my business. I feel very over whelmed at the thought of a bunch of people thinking I am whacked out. I told hubs all you are doing is bringing an emtionally and mentally unstable wife home. I have seen his parents a couple times and his sister a couple times. The rest I have not met. And this will be their intro???

His family is thrilled at him "coming home" and us moving by his parents. They are even more tickled as his little sister and BIL will be moving there soon too. BIL is an officer in the Navy and a pilot. He is up for retirement after they have another round in Texas, what do they rotate out here like every year or two? So it is in the near future and he is taking it and leaving I think to be a history teacher or something like that... I am not overly tickled to be around BIL as I do not like the idea of feeling weak but I am trying to think he is fine but he has had to see people crack in his line of work!

But the point is this family is just tickled as their little birds with their own full nests are returning to be close. Even if one of the nests has a cracked egg LOL.

I think it is great they have a room special for you, sounds like they have been waiting for you to come home and don't plan on you going away any time soon! I am not sure that is a bad thing at all as you already know them and know they are good people. And you have to look how would this really hurt? You have not put roots down... Some big choices but worth taking a good look at!

Me, I am going in about as blind as one can not knowing these people that are supposed to be my new family that is supposed to be helping. And they are expecting a full blown nut job...

And the area. I did research on the net. Houston area is very culturally diverse. Ummm Kansas at least where I am going glows... 95% white and most of German decent. It will be such a major culture shock to me. Which made me panic as I see I may not be able to get my Jasmine rice, not easy to find and I have to drive in closer to Houston to find it as it is. I was thinking they are not going to have it at all out there and thinking of buying a couple 20lb bags before I leave LOL.

Yes, change is scary as is the thought and sorry my post is so rambly, the withdrawals are no fun and my head is everywhere and this should be hubs last day of work to start getting ready for the move. So I am a bit brain fried today. Just saying I get it :)

[batgirl]

Thanks veiled. I think I knew you were moving, but I didn't know it was so far away and to your husband's family. Maybe I read it before but I'm kind of spacey right now from all that's going on for me. Anyways sounds verrry scary!! At least for me, I know my family, mostly know what to expect, etc. But these are your in-laws. That would be difficult. I'd be quite apprehensive myself. I do wish you all the best!

That does suck about the jasmine rice though. I hope you're moving to a place where there's a big supermarket of some kind that has an Asian section. I like basmati rice myself.

For me, moving would be huge as well... I couldn't possibly live any further away from my relatives at present. They are in Newfoundland, and I am about 2600 miles west of there! Actually other than being born on a base in Germany, I am technically from Newfoundland, or my father's family is rather, so it would be like going home in a sense. And living there, no one would be teasing me about my accent or constantly asking where I'm from. I have a distinctive Newfoundland accent that I haven't been able to shake, blah. In case you don't know what that is, it's sort of like an Irish accent. I always think I'm getting better at NOT talking like that, I watch lots of American TV shows and practice talking more slowly, but just when I think I am blending in, someone comments on my accent again. Sigggh. Is there much difference in accents between Texas and Kansas? I know what Dr. Phil speaks like, but I've also met people from Texas who seemed to have what I consider just an "ordinary" American accent. Anyways I don't know why I'm going on about accents!!!

Thanks for "getting" it... I hope your move is smooth and ends up being a good decision. Me, I'm going to relax and think about it for a while... a LONG while... before I decide on anything.

[veiled]

Actually the accents or drawal vary from parts of Texas you are from and where you are raised. Kind of a weird thing but you have to look at how big Texas is... And a lot of people say they are from Texas who were not born and raised. I lived a long time growing up in a little town where the accent developes easy and a lot of time in Ft. Worth with my mom. Houston is my dad... Houston proper is such a truly diverse melting pot and you hear almost every accent and not much of the typical southern drawal that I can pick up (it may be there). My baby sis has no accent that I pick up on but it is hard for me to pick up some to hearing it. See I have no clue where Dr.Phil is from but would assume his is more a Dallas - Ft Worth sounding; hearing him I hear and pick up his. My ex I don't, but it is there.

I didn't know it was at all there as an accent until someone had a video during the holidays, my ex with the kids and he still sneaks video at b-day parties. When I heard myself I really thought no way that is me speaking LOL...

I don't like to speak a lot with it to people that are not from around here. I have been up North pretty far a few times and some people acted I was not even speaking English and rude as if I were a stupid hick, to the say something again just to hear it... Yea, good way to get me shut up. Kansas people I have seen and spoke with, like hubs, is more the neutral sound like you hear on the news broadcasts. Just a couple different word pronounciations. But so far no one rude enough to point drawal out yet. Not sure if my son will be teased at the highschool over it, but I figure some girls like it so he should be fine...

So I do get the accent thing, it makes the agoraphobic tendencies flare up pretty well and makes you self consious making the social phobia worse too (the addtional labeling we get from docs). But I have to stop and think Anthony would be so quick to tell us both these are self esteem issues we need to work on LOL ya think? So accents you "are going on about" make sense as it does make an impact. But the accent you describe sounds beautiful and bet it is, as most are really!

I hope you get some good relax time, you need and deserve it after such a huge step you made and I am so happy you finally spoke with them!

[batgirl]

Wow I never thought of the accent thing as being a self-esteem issue but you're probably right, veiled. Sorry you've had bad experiences with people treating you like a hick. I mostly just get curiosity. And people often think I'm a foreign student. I like the Texas accent in some ways haha. It has a certain charm. It's interesting that you never thought of yourself as having an accent!

Anyways thanks again, I should be resting rather than being on here. I had a long sleep this afternoon and nightmares galore during it, but I'm up again now. Should definitely get off here though. Might go for a walk and/or rent a movie. Have a good night!

[anthony]

OMG I actually spoke to my uncle and aunt late last night!!!!!! I waited for them to call for about 2 hours, but my nerves and my stomach couldn't take it anymore so I ended up calling them first.
I just can't express how happy I am for you right now batgirl. Huge well done and congratulations on contacting and speaking with them. So proud of you for taking such a big step.
Then I get on the phone and I just started bawling my eyes out.... which I NEVER do, even with my psychiatrist I never cried like that. I think I really freaked them out.
I don't think you freaked them out at all... I think they're just very happy to know that you are safe and alive, and slowly getting yourself better. You said it yourself when you told us that they are really great people... and this just demonstrates it further, as does building a new home and thinking about the day they find you, by ensuring a special bedroom for you when they found you. This doesn't sound like people who don't care about your well being, with no strings attached. I think your very lucky to have such relatives who truly care about you in this way batgirl.

I honestly believe they are now more satisfied knowing your alive and well, than worried more. A phone call can make such a big difference, well done.
my other uncle, my dad's other brother who is also in the military, was killed while on deployment overseas, just over 2 years ago.
Oh Batgirl... I am sorry to here this. Please don't beat yourself up though that you weren't present at the time, because I think you will find that your relatives understand considering what you have endured already. You have suffered immensly, and they are well aware of this, and no doubt very understanding of your decisions also. You did not know, nor could you predict such an event occuring. Its not your fault... you have your own problems that take precedence, and that is not selfish, it is being honest with yourself. I don't believe anyone will think any less of you for running away batgirl, because they have an idea of the pain you have endured, and likely they just want to know that your well.
They want to see me, of course. They want me to come to them for Christmas. They just bought a new house and my aunt was blathering on about how there is a bedroom for me with no carpet (I have asthma and allergies).

This really just reaffirms just how much they care and are thinking about you batgirl. They build a house and make a special room for you, in the off chance they finally get in touch with you and see you again, become a family once again. If Christmas is too much for you, then only you know that. I already know and completely understand how PTSD affects us in relation to Christmas, holidays and so forth. I also understand how it affects us in relation to seeing relatives we have not seen in a long time.

Will it trigger you? Most likely yes, but that is something I think will only benefit you actually, not hinder you for long. I actually believe that when you do visit them, once past the initial anxiety of it all and settled for a bit, this will help you to resolve some of the pain from your past.

It really is ok to just breakdown and cry batgirl, please don't ever feel that your being silly, being a cry baby or any such thing. It takes a stronger person to cry than it does not to cry. It takes a stronger person to show their emotions than it does to hide them. I see so much strength in you batgirl, as I have said to you previously, all just from your posts here, let alone if I ever met you. I really see a person who is carrying so much pain, yet so strong within herself to also release that pain in a good way. Your family whilst a trigger initially, I see as being a huge help too you in releasing more of your pain. I really think you have just done exceptionally well though in making contact after so long, and that deserves such big hugs... If I was with you, I would hug you heaps.

So of course they think I should just up and leave everything, move in with them for a while and then get my own place close by.

They just care about you batgirl, thats all. I am sure they will be more than accepting off your decisions and only help you with them. The offer is there, which means their door is always open for you whenever you need it, or want it. That is a rare thing in this world.

This is about you though, not them... so you know what is right for you and what is not. I would think that when your ready, make a visit for a week or two, see how you feel. I don't believe a few days would be beneficial enough, because your anxiety would still be rampant. You need just long enough to see how comfortable you feel after the initial anxiety has calmed. A visit for a week or two, then leave and see how you feel. You will know whether you would want to go and live with them, or even nearer to them on your own, so you can all see each other daily or much more frequently.

Baby steps batgirl, and you have just taken a huge step. So proud of you... I want to jump through this screen and give you a huge hug.

[batgirl]

Thanks so much anthony. I am very touched by everything you said. I'll have to comment on everything later, as I'm about at the end of my rope for how much of the forum I can take for today (I wasn't even supposed to come on here today, oh, well...). But anyways I just wanted to let you know I read your post and really appreciate it too!

[batgirl]

Just a small update... I was to see my family physician this morning, and I told her the news of contacting my relatives, and them wanting me to move closer. I was surprised, but she thought it was a very good idea. She is encouraging me to move. Reason being, besides the PTSD and currently not having a psychiatrist (I'm on a waiting list), my physical health is not very good. I never did fully recover from being shot. Anyways she thinks I might do better, eat more, gain some weight, etc, if I had more family support. Sigh. So another thing to think about. I'm still going to take my time deciding, however.

[batgirl]

I am feeling really sad all of a sudden. It's kind of a rare emotion for me. I'm not sure if it was hearing about my uncle's death or what, but I feel like crying again, mostly about my brother. He'd be 15 now. I wonder what he'd be like and like I said I feel very sad. Well, back to bed I guess blah. I get upset and then I feel very tired.

[anthony]

Batgirl, you still haven't had those few days off yet, and your going to get very overwhelmed if you don't be kind to yourself and take it easy. You have some extremely serious trauma to deal with, and too much exposure to others trauma, will trigger yours in too higher doses also. Please, take those days off and let your mind recover. I really don't want too see you get extremely ill because off too much exposure here. Please take it easy on yourself. Baby steps... it all comes together in the end.

[batgirl]

You're right anthony, I'm stupid to be on here right now. I don't know what I've been doing the last couple of days... it's nuts. Anyways, think I will finally take your advice now and UNPLUG the computer completely. See you in a few days!

[kimG]

Batgirl,

Anthony's advice to take a couple days off is a GREAT one. I used to get on this site almost every day, but not it's about every two or three days because I need the break.

Congrats on talking with your aunt & uncle. I'm glad to hear the conversation went as well with you as it did with me and mine. As I am typing this, my mind is wandering back to my call with my aunt & uncle...

About your other uncle who died, yes, there is remorse and guilt. And the "what if..." thoughts. It would be easy for me to say you have nothing to feel guilty about because you didn't do anything to cause it, but that would mean I would have to listen to my own advice (ha!); when I went back and visited my parents' graves, I also found out that 6 of my aunts & uncles (and three of their spouses) had died in the 14 years I had been gone. I felt the guilt you felt too, because I didn't get to say goodbye to them or because I wasn't there to support their families like they were for me or because...well, I don't know why, I just know I had that same guilt.

Hang in there, girl. Don't rush into anything too quickly. Do it in your time, for yourself, not when others want you to. Yes, it was nice for them to have a room that met your needs, but it wouldn't be fair of them to use it as leverage against you and your decision to move or not.

As for seeing them at Christmas...only you can decide that.

But once again...good going!

[anthony]

Kim, so well expressed by yourself. Thank you for that, and I am positive batgirl could see so much in common with your words.

Guilt though is something we can remove only with reason and acceptance. We can't just tuck it away, we can't throw it elsewhere, we can't suppress it, because it simply continues to fuel PTSD, and more often fuel anger, whether at ourselves or others. What we must accept in times such as above, is that we did what we did because we had too for the benefit of ourselves. To remove ourselves from others in order to save ourselves, is not selfish, it is simply called "me time" to put it bluntly. We all need it, and it doesn't have a time limit. What we must do though, is accept that we needed space, regardless of time, in order to get ourselves in order before we could face others again, in this case family.

Their lives continue, just as ours. When tragedy occurs, we cannot blame ourselves because we had to remove ourselves in order to simply survive, to find ourselves, to help ourselves. If we remained to suit others, then no doubt it could be yourself in the grave from suicide, overdose, etc. We could simply be more off a mess than we are today, drugs, alcohol and continueing the abuse cycle. Removing ourselves is not selfish if it is for our own self protection. You shouldn't feel guilt for having to care for yourself, you shouldn't feel guilt for others lives simply continueing on in your absense. All you need to do is ackowledge that others lives continues, and even though you might not get to say goodbye, it is not about time you spend with someone just before death, it is about the memories you share with that person, good or bad, but accept them for what it is, reason the thoughts to logic, and this removes the guilt aspect which feeds PTSD.

[batgirl]

Oh hey thanks kim. I just realized you commented in my thread. Anthony is right, I definitely relate to what you're saying. Your experience sounds eerily similar to mine, although a longer period of time had elapsed for you. And yes it's super hard to not feel guilty about things. Funny thing is though, if others feel guilty about anything at all, I always tell them not to worry over it. I don't understand why I can't be as gentle with myself.

[kimG]

The more you comment on the situation, the more I realize you and I are so much alike. I, too, tell others not to feel guilty about something and then have a hard time being able to not feel guilty in situations involving myself. I was brought up that way...not to feel sorry for myself....to be the martyr...the whipping boy, so to speak. So I am very hard on myself, because as a kid nothing was ever "good enough" and I've carried that with me for 40 years. I just hope it doesn't take me another 40 to get rid of those feelings...

Hope all is well with you today.

[batgirl]

Yes we are so totally alike kim! Wow. I had a pretty good childhood actually, but I come from a military family and my parents were both deployed at various times... so whenever I complained about something, they would always admonish me with, well you are so LUCKY my girl, you are not being raised in a war zone, pull up your bootstraps, quit whining, etc. So I learned to be tough. I can have a lot of empathy for people here on the board, but I can be doing the exact same thing myself, and beating on myself for it constantly. Ugh, makes no sense. Blame the military I guess lol.