My Story.... Domestic Violence At It's Worst

[canucklady]

T says that I will feel better once I tell my story. She knows part of my story, but not all of it. I am hoping to write it here and then maybe bring it her, although she will probably make me read it to her.

I don't even know how it all began. He was so different in the beginning. But once we moved in together, he was jealous and didn't like any of my friends. First we starting just arguing, and he would throw things. Then one time he pushed me. I tried to leave him that first time, but he promised he wouldn't do it again. I believed him. He didn't for awhile. Then one day while we were out, an school friend who happened to be male came up to give me a hug and we were talking. He was so mad once we got home alone. He said I was flirting. Next thing I knew he hit me and I was bleeding. I tried to leave again, he wouldn't let me. Then he apologized again, and this would be the cycle for 2 1/2 years.

Everyone warned me about him, told me to leave him, but they didn't see his sweet side. I defended him all the time. I lost alot of my friends because of this, they couldn't stand to see me being hurt. Towards the end, I was a mess. I was walking on egg shells, not knowing what would set him off. He had control of my money and he was spending it all on drugs and alcohol. When he was drinking, that is when he was the most unpredictable. He would come home demanding sex, I would say no, and by the end, I was giving in just to stop him from hurting me. I guess I am just realizing now, that I was r-p-d many times. Too many times.

Every time we broke up, he would apologize or threaten to kill himself or he would threaten to hurt my family if I didn't do what he said. He knew just what to say to get me to come back. The day I finally decided to leave, he was out of town on business for 1 week. I packed up everything and moved out. Left him a note and thought that was the end of it.

It wasn't. Although he didn't know where I lived, he know where I worked and waited in front of where I worked. Left messages on my car. Called my friends to see if they knew where I was. Threatened them. I was afraid to go to police, he said if I ever did that he would hurt my family, and I believed him then.

I didn't notice he was following me home. One night I was home, heard my door opening to bedroom. I saw him standing there, he said he just wanted to talk. He was drunk. I could smell it. I told him to get out, and he came after me. I managed to get to front door, but he caught up to me and dragged me back to living room. He had a gun. He hit me hard, and I blacked out, when I came to he was on top of me. Then he asked me where money and booze was. I told him I didn't have any booze. He kept saying if he couldn't have me, no one would have me. It took awhile for him to leave, he was angry because I couldn't stop crying. He said I was asking for it and was my own fault. I blacked out again then. I am not sure what happened next. Next thing I remember was I was in my bed bleeding, and he was gone.

That was on Nov 11, 1999. I will be 7 yrs this year. I have just been diagnosed with complex PTSD. This due to breaking down at work one day, just crying for absolutely no apparent reason. Job burnout . I had been working 70 hr weeks, just to keep my mind busy I guess. Flashbacks and nightmares are awful and it has just been this year that I am remembering bits and pieces of that night. I haven't been able to work full time for 3 yrs due to severe depression, and am suicidal on many occasions. After 7 yrs, I would have hoped things would be better, but just seem worse then ever.

Thanks for reading my story.

[veiled]

Good for you and great at getting it out canucklady! Sounds very hard. Don't be too sure that the therapist will make you read it aloud. Writing is a very good way to get it out. My doc loved me writing as it cut to the chase and we could spend the time on ways to heal. She may bug you for more details but you got the brunt of it out or a least what you can remember. Way to jump in with both feet!

It is very hard and the "if I can't have you no one will" echoed over here. I was in an abusive relationship that ended; and once ended and I moved I was kidnapped with intention of murder while we were in the woods made very clear. I will never forget "I am going to put a bullet in your brain". While so much more of it has gone out the window. When he raped me was my chance to talk and BS my way out of the murder. There was no indication until the act that he was going to rape me and doc made it clear it was just another "I am in control, act of violence" It has been 13 years and I understand how long something like that can haunt you. I still look over my shoulder. And since I have kids with him that are now teens he has never been completely out of my life, just mostly.

Add some pretty bad things prior, and some after seemed to make sure PTSD ,since it was all untreated, take a good hold. But he was a major catalyst in the scene. I think him more so than the rest has effected me and where I lay most of the blame for what I have now.

Just know you are not alone and we will be here for you and help listen and help point you in desirable directions to become a strong woman again that you can be again. This does not have to rule your life but it is a long process.

[canucklady]

I am not sure I can hang on though. Somedays I feel nothing at all and other days it hurts to even breathe. It goes from one extreme to the other. Sometimes I wonder why I even survived. It is like I am the one sentenced to life for his crime.

[veiled]

I know exactly how you feel as many of us do here who were victims of violent crimes. I think you summed it up quite nicely in fact! It is not and never will be fair. But you are seeking treatment and have found us, you have made a step in healing and no reason you cannot. Some days it feels as if you are grasping at a greasy little string to just live. But it can and does get better in time once the work is started, and you will hit some hard lows in the process, but you will also start to see improvement in other areas and it gives you enough hope and courage to keep pushing on.

Just keep posting, post how you feel, what you want, what your goals are... Hell, even what you have fantasized doing to him in revenge. Like I said we have been here and you are not bad for having those thoughts and willing to bet you have had them. We had a thread a while back talking about that, pretty grusome, but normal for victims. And how hard it is knowing someone you loved subjects you to abuse and can hurt you when you could not at the time have harmed them. It is just a confusing mess but as long as you keep getting it out it starts to make more sense.

[No-Twitch-Tabitha]

I am not sure I can hang on though. Somedays I feel nothing at all and other days it hurts to even breathe. It goes from one extreme to the other. Sometimes I wonder why I even survived. It is like I am the one sentenced to life for his crime.

At the risk of sounding trite: you survived because you are a survivor. The ******* who treated you like **** is ****. You are better than he is, and the fact that you are still here proves that.

[batgirl]

Thanks for sharing, canucklady. You are very brave!

[canucklady]

ty veiled, tabitha and batgirl for responding. I really do appreciate it. i dont know what i am going to do. this past week is a complete blank to me. my doctor said that this is dissociation, but i am scared i am losin my mind.

[veiled]

I think it was the week before last, I even had posted. No recall, my mind took a little vacation (but I also saw a post that may have triggerd me and you will find triggers all over this board). It happens, it is annoying as shit, but part of the territory. Some of it you get kind of used to. Like panic attacks. They used to hospitalized me so severe a lot of work and 99% don't do much more than annoy the hell out of me. I am anything than symptom free. I have however have learned to start coping with them and they are not as severe then...

You are not losing your mind. We ALL feel like we are. Consume the information section and explore the board. You will see it can be of great help and you feel like so many others.

[canucklady]

i do get triggered very easily lately. i have even been avoiding my current bf because I cant stand to even be hugged right now. i dont recognize the person i am becoming. it is so hard. i have like so many messages to return. i dont have energy to talk to anyone. feel like am spiralling out of control again

[veiled]

What do you use to "put the brakes on"? A beer, a pill, meditation... Where in your life are you giving yourself permission to be you and just be a mess? To take a breath and a time out? To give your self time to just blank out and it be OK? Sometimes you need to make sure your diet is going well, doing all the things you have control over to be healthy and clear the cluttered mind so you can start the sorting process...

What part of the abuse is replaying or hardest to cope with right now? Where is it like the past currently? What part are you carrying guilt about?

[canucklady]

not sure how to put the brakes on. in counselling i just gave her my written story for the first time. so maybe that is making things worse. nov 11 was anniversary date, and this past week i blanked out all week. i havent been taking my meds regularly, i have forgotten, just seems like alot of work and doesnt seem to matter much anymore.

[anthony]

CL,

Ok, lets be realistic. You fell into the typical case of domestic violence. This isn't your fault as such, because you often don't even see it coming. You said it yourself actually in your first post, being it started with a push, then a punch, apologies and forgiveness, then he just increased it each time and continued testing the boundaries. The actual problem was him, not you. His drinking, drugs and own problems that he couldn't control, and as a lesser human being he decided to take his frustration out upon you.

Now, you have to live with his pain also as a consequence, which is very unfortunate for you. Less face it, the man is a bastard for using his strength to over-power you, and beat you. This has shot your self esteem to shit, your self worth as a person, your confidence. The first place to start with you IMHO, is for you to improve your self esteem, confidence and self worth. You need to improve your own self perception that you are a human being and worth more than what he has made you feel. The facts are, you are human and worth more than he has made you believe.

I can understand your friends leaving you, because they tried to help you, but failed, because his power and influence over you was stronger than theirs. He was threatening to hurt family and friends, which was a desired effect to have you stay, feeling you are protecting them. It is a method of control that he used upon you, and you didn't know it or comprehend it totally at the time.

You have suffered two and half years of shit CL, all of which now needs to be raised to the surface and dealt with realistically. First though, you need to work on your own self esteem and confidence first though, which will help you find your own strength when dealing with the emotional games he projected upon you.

You are worth more than you know CL, because here you are fighting this, looking for a way through it so you can get back on with you life. That in itself says a whole lot about the strength of a person, but maybe you are just not seeing it, but I certainly am.

CL, your medications at this point are important, and you really do need to force yourself into a daily routine with them, because missing one day is enough to put your system out of balance and throw your life into the spiral it currently is. PTSD does a good enough job of that by itself, so lets not help it along shall we?

[becvan]

Hi CL, nice to meet you.

Everything Anthony said plus this:

First off, I have been there myself and deal with the same anxiety, flashbacks etc... from this cause. My youngest son has PTSD from the abuse while I lived with that SOB. So from one survivor to another:

You COULD NOT HAVE seen this coming. Okay read that a few times. Many people assume that we can, magically, *TELL* if someone is going to be abusive. That's a crock of sh*t coming from uneducated, unenlightened, inexperienced people. Abuser's are renowned for the manipulitive behaviours that help them gain trust to put themselves in a position of power in order to abuse. They do it ON PURPOSE. It's sneaky and dirty, but eh, they are scum now aren't they. You are in no way, at fault. Everytime you start to feel guilty, get told it's your fault, assume that is what someone is saying, read this thread.

Secondly, you had said that you feel that you had been given a life sentence. I relate to that.. I used to think and say the exact same thing. And we are both right but, it's a sentence of strength, skills, understanding and empathy once you heal all the crap you went through. (no magical number on this though, lol don't we wish) What we survived (and many, many others on here) makes us stronger,better people. We just have to work hard at it!!

*k, done with my positive thinking!*

Bec

[Josh77]

Thank you for sharing your story with us, canucklady. It helps give me the courage to, one day, tell my story. I know that had to be hard to share, and it shows progress that you were able to talk about it with us.
Thank you,
Josh

[canucklady]

seemed to have blocked out the whole week. t said was dissociation. i dont even remember talking to her this week and she called everyday to check in with me. am i losing my mind? i am really scared. my roomate said i have been quiet this week and havent gone out much. i lost a whole week. that has never happened before at least i dont think it has.

[anthony]

Welcome to PTSD CL... once you open pandoras box, you cannot close it, instead you have one way to the other side... through PTSD and your trauma.

[becvan]

CL: Yeah this is a normal aspect of PTSD. I have a little trick for you though, that will save you much grief now, rather than later. Get a calender and hang it up somewhere in your house that you will see it everyday. Each day mark it off with a big line or X or something through it. Every single day. If you work or go to school and require an agenda mark that off everyday too. That way all it takes is a glance and you know the day, month and year. That way you know where you are!!! I've been doing this for years and it has saved me soooo much grief. If I don't mark it off, then I know how long I lost to "spacing out." Very handy for tracking if your improving or getting worse too!

Bec

[sibemom]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I agree with everyone and what they posted. I understand about the domestic abuse even though that is not what caused my PTSD. In my therapy sessions we are digging into the past stuff and working towards the present issues. You are a survivor and do not forget that. Your Ex BF was nothing more than a lowly peice of crap who needed to controll you at the very highest degree, he wanted to strip away everything that made you feel confident and secure. THAT IS WHAT THEY DO. Even though now you have PTSD, you proved that you can be strong by getting out. It is a long hard struggle, and no I do not like having to go through all the past issues about my life in therapy either but it needs to happen so we can get closer to the reason I have PTSD. You just hang tough and this board is a wonderful place to vent, share and gain knowledge. I know I am very happy I found it for myself, it can trigger things but then again it can be of great comfort. Keep writting things down as you feel them I know that helps me, and no my therapist does not always make me read things that I have written unless it is coming to the part of reading it, dealing with it, and getting rid of it.