I Need Support - Anxiety Out Of Control

[Josh77]

:dontknow:I need some support in dealing with some of my symptoms, and I have many questions. I didn't know that what I was suffering from, in addition to Biploar and OCD, was PTSD until I saw my new psychiatrist, and he diagnosed me properly. The other night I had a nightmare relating to one of the events that precipitated my PTSD. I don't know how to deal with them. I have anxiety when I watch certain scenes of violence on television; I get dizzy and nauseous and feel like I'm going to faint!! I'm lost here and since I'm new, my posts have to be moderated and it seems like it's taking forever for my posts to appear!! I don't know what to do until I can start getting some feedback from someone!! I feel so isolated!! PLEASE HeLp Me!! Anxiety and fear are running my life!!

Josh77:wall: :crazy:

[anthony]

Hi Josh,

Please have patience here Josh, as you must remember, your not the only one with PTSD here... what you suffer, we all suffer. Everyone here does their best to provide support that they are capable, without over doing it and making themselves ill in the process. Your no longer in moderation, so all your posts now go live instantly.

Anxiety and fear running your life... yep, thats PTSD. Josh, please take it easy on yourself, otherwise your really going to just increase your anxiety in anticipation, which really isn't any good for you, or your health. There is no quick fix to PTSD, it takes time, control, education and lots more. Its quite a long journey to healing actually... but achievable if dedicated.

Josh, what happened too you in relation to your trauma? What are you dreaming about and how does this impact your trauma itself?

If your watching violence on TV and that is triggering you, my suggestion for the time being would be to stop watching it, until such time as you learn more, get some control off your symptoms, and educate yourself on how to handle triggers, analyse the outcomes and learn from them. This type of thing is really only provoking you more at present, which you just don't need.

[Josh77]

anthony,
As far as my trauma, there were 3 traumatic events in my life that precipitated my PTSD (1 when I was 11 years old and 2 when I was 27) the first one triggered the PTSD. OCD was my way of dealing with the anxiety/fear... the last two just made it worse. The first event was (without going into much detail) a childhood surrounded by the violence of my older brother (who was an adult when I was 11) aimed at me and my other family members, but one violent outburst in particular. My brother was drunk and went nuts... destroyed everything in the house and beat on my father repeatedly in front of me and my crying mother... I felt so helpless. There's more to the story but in time I'll be able to get into more detail. My oldest brother used to beat me bad!! Broken nose one time...etc. Then two years ago, when I was 27, I was jumped, beaten half to death, and robbed by 6 or 7 black gang members who were on a robbery spree in my town. They were going to kill me, but I got away before they could beat me to death!! I heard them say to each other that they were going to kill me. The third event that added to my PTSD was finding my wife dead of an overdose of pills (that was probably minor in comparision to the violent events, but still traumatic to find her dead on the floor. As far as my nightmares, I recently had one were black gang members were chasing me through town, shooting guns at me and beating me down... I woke up in panic!! sweaty, nauseous, anxious, panicked, etc... I have gaps in my memory of the night that my wife died, and I don't want to remember. My psychiatrist said that that was good that I can't recall exactly what happened that night right now; less pain for now.

I hope that answered your questions, and I thank you for replying to my post!! I will disclose more details as I feel more comfortable because there is more to the events... more details.

Later,
Josh77

[nov_silence]

We are listening, Josh.

[cookie]

hang in there josh, this is a great place to start healing.
cathy

[anthony]

Well done Josh. Honestly, there is no race for you to get everything out, instead merely do things in time. You will know when your ready, because you will tell your entire story, whether public or private. It is very hard to give specific guidance though to bits and pieces of trauma, often because knowing one thing to give guidance upon, then knowing the full story, the original guidance can be far from accurate.

Josh, I would just settle in to be honest, chat with members, get to know people, allow others to know you. This is how you will feel comfortable in shareing. As you relate to others, you generally talk about your feelings and events, relating them to another in similarity. It all takes time, and there really is no rush, because if you do rush things, chance are your going to end up over-loaded, on the edge and much worse than you may be capable off controlling at once. Lets not do that ha...

I am sorry Josh that your wife did what she did, I know it must be quite hard for you. Very sorry about your loss, especially under those circumstances.

Josh, I can see things surrounding your wifes death, and I would like to discuss those with you if you want. Why do you honestly believe she over-dosed on pills to commit suicide?

[Josh77]

first of all, thank you for listening, everybody... and for being there for support.

Anthony,
I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to talk about my wife's death in any more detail at this time. We will talk when the time is right. But let's just say that I blame myself for not seeing the signs leading up to her death.

Thanx, again...
Josh

[anthony]

And there be half the problem already Josh, in that you blame yourself for something you could not actually know. You see, you said above, "I blame myself for not seeing the signs". What signs? Did anyone else see them? Did you know they where signs at the time, or did you only know after the event? If you didn't, then you are blaming yourself for something you couldn't control. The keyword there... "couldn't control".

Answer this for me Josh please. Do you have a crystal ball that can see or predict the future?

[Josh77]

Well, she talked about suicide fairly often, and everytime I took the time to talk to her, to let her know that she would be missed, and I always got her to change her mind. She adamantly refused to go to the hospital to get help, so I did what I could to talk her out of it. Well, on December 7, 2004, I thought I talked her out of it, again, but I was woken up from a nap by our roommate, who was less than 20 feet from her the whole time I was asleep. He said that "something was wrong with Lisa (my wife)" and without going into detail, I found her on the floor dead of an overdose of pills and an illegal substance, which I am not ready to name, yet. She left a suicide note and everything. Our roommate was on the computer and not paying much attention to Lisa, but neither was I... I was asleep!! I have gaps in my memory of that night, which the police tried to fill in by questioning me, but it was determined that she was killed by the pills and the illegal drug combination. In hindsight, now I know that she was extremely depressed that night and I guess I should have forced her to go to the crisis hospital!!
That's why I blame myself... also, I blame myself for not remembering everything that happened that cold December night... Did I maybe say something wrong that pushed her over the edge? Did I treat her right? Should I have had her committed to a hospital? Ugghhhhhhhh!! Strong emotions are coming up, so I have to stop that thought right now!!!

[Terry]

Josh, One thing I'm picking up is the confusion. People usually have problems when serious events (usually 2 or more) happen close together. I know the level of anxeity is really high right now and your having a hard time remembering what it was like to not have that feeling in your chest. I too have trouble with TV shows and even went to movies that I can't remember but am told I was there. The only thing that has helped me has been therapy and meds. It's not perfect but it helps. I'm new here too but from what I've seen these folks do care and know what it's like. You can always give me a shout if you need to. I don't sleep.

[Josh77]

Thank you, Terry!! It really does help to know that I'm not alone with my problems!! Thank you, very much for the feedback.

[anthony]

Josh, you ignored the question though. Do you have a crystal ball that can see or predict the future?

[Josh77]

anthony,
You're right... I couldn't have known that she would kill herself that night. I guess it's just that I wish I did have a crystal ball that night!!
Let me ask you a question Anthony... Is OCD my way of dealing with the anxiety and fear of my traumatic events? So, could it also be true that my primary diagnosis is PTSD and that the Bipolar and OCD stem from the PTSD?
Also, I will post a new thread about the issue of certain prescription meds that I'm taking and basically their effect on my PTSD... please read it and give me your experience... if you can answer the questions above, you can send me a private message if you would like to or answer them here, if you can.

[anthony]

Is OCD my way of dealing with the anxiety and fear of my traumatic events? So, could it also be true that my primary diagnosis is PTSD and that the Bipolar and OCD stem from the PTSD?
Josh, the bipolar I am not sure about. The OCD though is just another doctor over labelling in order to justify giving prescription drugs, then getting a kickback for it. Read the thread I posted a while back on http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread1097.html, which will give you an idea of all the actual labels as such, that PTSD encompass.

OCD isn't really a way of dealing with anxiety and fear, it is more caused by anxiety and fear. It is a bi-product if you like, of anxiety. When your anxious, what is a normal reaction? Check things, fidget, play with something, distract yourself. Doctors think it is OCD in its actual form, but when you actually read the diagnosis of OCD, the deciding factor to actually having the disorder, is that your compulsions literally stop you from functioning day to day, for example: in order to go to work, you compulsively check the house 5 times, then you make your way to the car, you have to check and recheck 4 times, then you have to drive a specific way, on the way, you can't remember if you checked the back door, so you return home and check the house another 5 times, then the car 4 times, etc etc... that is OCD by definition from the DSM.

People with PTSD present themselves in front of some doctors, and they go label crazy... when infact, all the problems are actually caused from PTSD, not OCD, agoraphobia, major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, etc etc etc. It is often the doctor who is just stupid, labels a person with everything uniquely and wonders why they don't get better (which could be the point for them), or they get kickbacks from the drug companies for the amount of medications they prescribe, hence they use lots of labels to justify lots of drugs. If they said you had PTSD and they wanted you to take 6 drugs, you would be curious. If they gave you 3 - 4 diagnosis, then said you need 6 drugs, you would not be as curious.

Its not a conspiracy theory or the like, it is just fact that doctors get kickbacks from drug companies for prescription medications. Not all, but some choose to take them, thus they generate more revenue for them, with little regard to the patient.

[anthony]

Now you have come to terms with the crystal ball aspect, think about it please Josh, and when you have doubt, think about exactly what you just said to me above, I couldn't have known that she would kill herself that night, because its the truth.

[Josh77]

Anthony,
The symptoms that you described for OCD fit me exactly though... I check and recheck 16 times... I leave the house and go back in and check everything again... I finally get in my car (after checking and rechecking the car) and I drive away, but go back and check... I always double back when driving because I have obsessive thoughts that I hit someone with my car and didn't realize it, so I double back and check for a body along my route!!!! It's crazy and painful!!!!!!!

[anthony]

Then that is actually OCD then Josh, uniquely from PTSD. So your doctor got it right for once. Often they give OCD with PTSD because PTSD comes with obsessions in order to fight past anxiety. OCD by itself is still curable mate, don't panic about that one. Your therapist can certainly cure OCD for you.

[veiled]

Anthony, you know your shit inside out no doubt. Maybe you can help me here too understand. But are you sure this is OCD stading alone? Not from PTSD? We both know I have more lables than I can count from it being PTSD. OCD one of many. I know it is actually PTSD as it was not so bad until my last crash a year and a half ago. I used to be beyond a clean freak but that was abuse "training". Not so clean now.

Thing is the rechecking locks, going back and forth, ovens, irons, locks, and the one thing pointed out... drive back to that bump and make sure you did not hit someone, I have no idea how many times I have turned around to make sure I did not or make hubs if I was not looking at the road while he drove. An occasional possum was it, or most often a bump in the road. There are some things I am beyond anal on but they (docs) say my OCD aspect is mild compared to the rest and mainly centered on people doing things my way like sweeping... (I learn to close my eyes as I got my ass kicked if not done proper) I have my routes and routines driving... I do not know I would say OCD clearly if the diagnosis came with the PTSD. The OCD can I know be PTSD if it came on at the same time. What are your thoughts? Still learning here.

[Josh77]

veiled,
i'm glad that you posted!! Maybe we can get this question answered for the both of us because i, too, am confused... the earliest time that i remember checking and rechecking things was after the violence started in my home when i was 11 years old. Anthony, any thoughts? or do you think that this question, in my case, is unanswerable at this point in my healing?

[veiled]

This much I can tell you Josh. If the OCD aspect is truly PTSD at play it will improve with healing. Thing is it takes time to see. You will start to get some of you anxiety levels down and not be so repetitive. I really felt like the fixing OCD is like the chicken or egg first? Because on one hand I was driving myself crazy over some areas like the locks and in turn making me more anxious. But as I healed some (and I am no where close to finished) and learned how to cope and address issues while medicated... Once I did I forgot to lock my door, I was not so repetitive. I have let my house turn into a pig pen LOL, as I have a house full of kids and right now I have bigger fish to fry than riding my kids to pick up their crap. I am picking my battles and ones I can handle. Clean house is low on the list. It is not filthy, but it sure as hell has laundry, colors, papers tossed to the four winds!

So stick around and in time you will be able to see if that is the case with you.

The Bi-Polar. When was that diagnosed? Forgive my curiosity. I was diagnosed that before PTSD. I was also told by other doctors the diagnosis was way off for me. But I did seem to cycle. Thing was in my cycles there were never points of feeling exceptionally well, I wish I had at some point. I would recover a little and function and hit a new low each round for years on end. Until I hit my last low which was just an all out breakdown I have not recovered from but doing better. I still cannot work and have the agoraphobic aspect to the extreme. (I am where the crazy lady who is locked in her house with cats story came from LOL)

No form or fashion or even implying you are not bi polar, but it just jumped out at me and I am nosey since I was misdiagnosed with it at one point.

[Terry]

Hey Josh, just checking on ya.and Veiled we are all a little nosey. I think if we wer'nt we'd be crazy.

[Josh77]

This much I can tell you Josh. If the OCD aspect is truly PTSD at play it will improve with healing. Thing is it takes time to see. You will start to get some of you anxiety levels down and not be so repetitive. I really felt like the fixing OCD is like the chicken or egg first? Because on one hand I was driving myself crazy over some areas like the locks and in turn making me more anxious. But as I healed some (and I am no where close to finished) and learned how to cope and address issues while medicated... Once I did I forgot to lock my door, I was not so repetitive. I have let my house turn into a pig pen LOL, as I have a house full of kids and right now I have bigger fish to fry than riding my kids to pick up their crap. I am picking my battles and ones I can handle. Clean house is low on the list. It is not filthy, but it sure as hell has laundry, colors, papers tossed to the four winds!

So stick around and in time you will be able to see if that is the case with you.

The Bi-Polar. When was that diagnosed? Forgive my curiosity. I was diagnosed that before PTSD. I was also told by other doctors the diagnosis was way off for me. But I did seem to cycle. Thing was in my cycles there were never points of feeling exceptionally well, I wish I had at some point. I would recover a little and function and hit a new low each round for years on end. Until I hit my last low which was just an all out breakdown I have not recovered from but doing better. I still cannot work and have the agoraphobic aspect to the extreme. (I am where the crazy lady who is locked in her house with cats story came from LOL)

No form or fashion or even implying you are not bi polar, but it just jumped out at me and I am nosey since I was misdiagnosed with it at one point.

I don't know when i developed bipolar, but was diagnosed with Bipolar-Affective Disorder in the State Psych Hospital in...... 1998. I was committed there for 3 months and they really kept an eye on my behavior and they at first said that i had Psychotic Disorder N.O.S. (Not Otherwise Specified) and Mood Disorder N.O.S., or schizo-affective[WRONG].... it wasn't until my last hospitalization (2 week vacation, LOL) that they pinpointed it to Bipolar-Affective Disorder. Sorry if I'm being confusing, but i can't think to clearly right now... sorry. The short answer is that i was diagnosed with some form of mood disorder( Bipolar) in 1998(when i was 20 or 21 years old) i can't quite remember... i know!! I turned 21 in the hospital so i was 21 when they diagnosed me.)

Josh

[Josh77]

Thanks for the concern and for the support, everyone!! It is much appreciated, and it helps a lot.

Josh

[anthony]

Veiled, what you mentioned in regard to your OCD, stands out to me being related to PTSD. What Josh said though, in that it really mucks with his life, stands out more as OCD itself. Yes, PTSD has an OCD component in it, and it can be severe depending on the level of anxiety. If a persons thoughts are simply just not coherent at the best of times because of anxiety, then OCD elements become present because we simply can't remember. OCD also becomes present because of fear, stemmed from our trauma. If your trauma was rape, or broken in too and beaten, then continual house checking, locks, etc is part of the fear, not really OCD itself.

When you cannot function in life though because you have to check, recheck, check again, turn around daily, recheck, get on route, then turn around again, recheck, etc... that is OCD, which is what Josh outlined for himself. Sure, it is caused by his trauma, but it is OCD the moment it absolutely stuffs with your life to the point when you cannot do things on any sort of timeline because your constant obsessions must be adhered first.

OCD itself, means that you have allocated time specifically prior to doing anything, for you to conduct your checks, rechecks, etc. Then you start moving to an appointment, but the obsession itself is more powerful than being at your appointment on time, you forget something, and have to return and do the entire routine over. OCD is not about doing something just once, ie. being a bit anal about security, how your cupboards are stacked and so forth, but it is about serious brain disturbance that you literally cannot function if things are not exactly the way they must be in order for you to achieve whatever your doing.

OCD though, is curable... so its not that big an issue really in the scheme of PTSD itself. If you heal trauma, your anxiety reduces. Once your anxiety reduces, your memory becomes more stable, you remember things more clearly, thus you no longer forget anything you have to do, thus any little obsessions no longer hinder your lifes progress to be somewhere, do something and so forth.

Here is the DSM IV criteria of OCD (http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/o-cd.htm), and please take note that you need pretty much the entire page in order to actually have OCD.

[veiled]

Makes a lot of sense the way you put it, thanks! You seem to have a knack at seeing through the fog...

[anthony]

When physicians seem to get a hold of anyone with PTSD, they know the components that really make it up, so they dig around in those areas looking for the answers so they can apply another label, thus prescribe another med, thus justify themselves some more cash. Some people have things that are components of PTSD, uniquely... because they either had them previous trauma, or they have them to such a degree, that PTSD itself is not the cause of the problem, but other factors. Those cases are small in comparison to doctors simply trying to justify their kickbacks. It pisses me that they take advantage of a system that was built to help people, not hinder them. Pumping people full of medications... well, maybe they should take some of the shit they prescribe for a while, see how they like it. They may have a different opinion after that one.