GR-ass
25-11-2006, 07:59 PM
Can I love myself any more? Do I dare to hate myself any less? I can’t let go, my pain defines me. Without it I am nothing, and yet I am free. Can I forgive him the pain, inflicted body and soul, is it even possible to, without destroying me forever? Will I ever understand why such a simple love could be tainted, why it could be destroyed? Why such a brotherly love be converted to rape? Destroyed forever, my trust ever gone. Could I have not fought? Did he not know?
Why hate me, when it wasn’t my fault. I did not ask for this, I railed against it. Why should I take the blame, why can’t he stand up and admit that what he did was wrong. Why can he not understand that he destroyed a little part of me each time he came to my bed. Why does he not realize anything beyond his own needs?
Do you see me in my pain? Can you see past this attempt at a happy face? Let me know you care. Let me know I’m not alone. Please, release me. I feel so lost, the darkness of this night beckons to the deepest parts of me. Shall I embrace it? Shall I be free from this constraints? Shall I let death finally claim me?
I feel the betrayal thick across my tongue, tainting that rain sweetness of childhood. It fills my mouth with a rotten sweetness, a taste of wormwood and honey. Wash this taste from memory, give me something to hold onto. Gods give me hope, friends give me support.
You are my brother, my twin. Why did you distort this? Why did you want more then I could give? I fought so much, and yet still you held me down, you took your price. I paid with my all, and I always gave my all. Once I would have given you everything, now I can’t even give you my shame. Dare I even say it, dare I admit it to myself? Why do I feel so dirty all the time, if it wasn’t my fault?
Pain is the key to me, it is what keeps me functioning. To watch the blisters raise, the smell of heated metal and flesh. The sharp pain that throbs, hard, under my skin, screaming to be let out. Some days I let it out, I let the anger and betrayal escape in streams of scarlet. I draw the blade across my skin, and feel nothing. It is a wonder that I still bleed, when all I feel inside is a frozen numbness.
Let my pain lesson. Let me run away, hide in the masses of strangers. I want to disappear, I need to change. I strive to find out if I am worthy, if I can ever be the person that everyone sees. I wonder if I can be the lie. I hurt so much, it overshadows everything I am. It makes me wonder if I am anything like him, if it was his path to damage me beyond repair. I wonder to myself if I can escape my fate, if I am strong enough to heal. I wonder if I will ever let myself love, ever open up enough to let anyone close.
Can I hide away from everyone, never admit the truth? Is it stronger to take this path, or is total passivity showing more strength. I can’t deal with me anymore, I don’t want to cope. I want to go back to when I was safe, innocent. Let me hide in this shadow world, never here, always a breath away. I don’t want to destroy myself, and yet I am slowly dying with the words left unspoken.
Save me, please, someone out there fill this void. Hold me close, keep me near. Don’t let me stray. Keep this blood in my veins, not spilled across this barren floor. I need this, I need to be free. Let me soar, love me dear. Hold me here, my time is now.
Why hate me, when it wasn’t my fault. I did not ask for this, I railed against it. Why should I take the blame, why can’t he stand up and admit that what he did was wrong. Why can he not understand that he destroyed a little part of me each time he came to my bed. Why does he not realize anything beyond his own needs?
Do you see me in my pain? Can you see past this attempt at a happy face? Let me know you care. Let me know I’m not alone. Please, release me. I feel so lost, the darkness of this night beckons to the deepest parts of me. Shall I embrace it? Shall I be free from this constraints? Shall I let death finally claim me?
I feel the betrayal thick across my tongue, tainting that rain sweetness of childhood. It fills my mouth with a rotten sweetness, a taste of wormwood and honey. Wash this taste from memory, give me something to hold onto. Gods give me hope, friends give me support.
You are my brother, my twin. Why did you distort this? Why did you want more then I could give? I fought so much, and yet still you held me down, you took your price. I paid with my all, and I always gave my all. Once I would have given you everything, now I can’t even give you my shame. Dare I even say it, dare I admit it to myself? Why do I feel so dirty all the time, if it wasn’t my fault?
Pain is the key to me, it is what keeps me functioning. To watch the blisters raise, the smell of heated metal and flesh. The sharp pain that throbs, hard, under my skin, screaming to be let out. Some days I let it out, I let the anger and betrayal escape in streams of scarlet. I draw the blade across my skin, and feel nothing. It is a wonder that I still bleed, when all I feel inside is a frozen numbness.
Let my pain lesson. Let me run away, hide in the masses of strangers. I want to disappear, I need to change. I strive to find out if I am worthy, if I can ever be the person that everyone sees. I wonder if I can be the lie. I hurt so much, it overshadows everything I am. It makes me wonder if I am anything like him, if it was his path to damage me beyond repair. I wonder to myself if I can escape my fate, if I am strong enough to heal. I wonder if I will ever let myself love, ever open up enough to let anyone close.
Can I hide away from everyone, never admit the truth? Is it stronger to take this path, or is total passivity showing more strength. I can’t deal with me anymore, I don’t want to cope. I want to go back to when I was safe, innocent. Let me hide in this shadow world, never here, always a breath away. I don’t want to destroy myself, and yet I am slowly dying with the words left unspoken.
Save me, please, someone out there fill this void. Hold me close, keep me near. Don’t let me stray. Keep this blood in my veins, not spilled across this barren floor. I need this, I need to be free. Let me soar, love me dear. Hold me here, my time is now.