Cop Way Too Long - From Emergency Services To Police

[Terry]

I'm Terry, as I posted in the intro. At 18 I became an EMT working on an ambulance in Memphis (dangerous city), then an EMS dispatcher, on to The Trauma Center, EMA disaster specialist then the present 16 yrs Cop. About 10 or 11 years ago I had a flaskback. I never thought they could be that real this one put me back on the scene of a propane tanker truck that crashed and exploded on Dec.24, 1989. Killed 9 or 10 people eventually. Most of them were wlking around (I guess I shouldn't go into too much detail). During the flash back I was back there could see, hear and smell things just like when it happened. Over the years I've just seen too much stuff that I've always described just like someone on this forum did. "Things nobody should ever have to see". Just too many times. I can't count the bodies anymore there's just too many. Too many kids walking around in the street or pushed out the front door because something criminal was going on inside at 3 or 4 am. It's just such a waste of humanity and how anbody could view any of this shit as normal or just say something like oh well thats has things are in the hood. Every ****ing holiday that I can remember as an adult I've been looking at a dead body. I saw over 300 at the Trauma Center alone. I just stopped counting because they don't stop coming. You play too long in the sewer and you feel like shit the rest of your life. I don't even know if this makes any sense at all because I havn't been able to look at the screne. Want to sleep but that ain't happening. But I am going to the Doc. once a week for therapy and the shrink once a month. Got my wife who understands thank god and now I got you folks.

[anthony]

Terry, I must say I am impressed by your efforts to jump straight in and start talking about all this. It jumps out to me as, "enough stuffing about in life, I want to heal", which is just the way I like things myself. Well done.

Terry, never feel as though you can't say anything here in relation to your trauma, because in actual fact, you need to get it all out in order for exposure therapy to work. The idea of it is that you write about a trauma, you then read that trauma, add anything you missed that may come back too you, read it again and again repeating the process, until such time as your mind has remembered everything about that one incident. Anything that comes to mind should be included, because it means your brain has the information stored, and not including it simply means another piece left that will just bother you later that you have to come back too and get out off you, instead of just doing it all at once in relation to each trauma.

Mate, your right though, in your line off work you simply wouldn't be able to keep count. I have dealt with a few emergency service workers now, all of which are pretty much the same, in that even though a few scenes are the prominent ones, as soon as they heal them and the nightmares stop about those one's, more start from other scenes. Its a bit of a battle, but it means the mind needs to clear them all. Basically, your mind is showing you through nightmares and flashbacks at present what it currently perceives to be fearing, but once these are dealt with, more will come, have no doubt. Probably not want you want to hear, but its the truth and you should be aware considering your line of work.

Terry, there really is no need to be scared of what information you share here, because if you go into depth within many threads here, you will find the worst that humanity has to offer already openly discussed for everyone to learn, support and hopefully become inspired to get their own trauma out.

If you haven't read the into threads to the trauma diaries, please do, because they contain much of the information required in order for you to really help yourself. I understand that you within the field, and may know some or even all of the information already, but a refresh will certainly help you to get the best out here. There are four fairly short threads of specific information, being http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread595.html, http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread576.html, http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread568.html and http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread566.html.

Terry, please tell me everything you remember about the tanker crash and lets sort this one out. What this will do is help you to reason with your fears and doubts in regard to this accident, then removing it from your minds need to present it with you through nightmares or flashbacks. More will come instead, but lets deal with one at a time. The more you can tell me about the incident, your involvement at all stages, what you did, how you felt, guilt and so forth, will help me even more to show you different angles, different reasoning, different perspectives on the incident.

Well done Terry for getting stuck into your trauma... really well done.

[Terry]

Thanks Anthony, The truck explosion was probably the worst incident. As for the rest of them, it would be about as long as War and Peace. Here goes.
In 1989 I was working with Emergency Management. My work required me to go to incidents that involved the need for coordination of all the aspects of the mangement of potential mass casualty incidents. That day I was on the way to the office to pick up some paperwork. I was on the highway when I saw a hugh fireball the dispatcher called me right away and at that time we only knew an explosion had happened. I got there within about 10 min. The first thing I saw was 10 or 12 houses on fire 8 or 9 cars on fire and noticed a tanker sticking out of the top of a 2 story apt. People started to get out of the cars that were on fire and there was smoke coming off their bodies. People were screaming "help me". Having worked as an EMT for so long and seeing the extent of the burns I knew right away they were just walking dead. Any mass casualty incident involves triage which means looking at the injured to determine which ones have a greater chance of surviving. With all the chaos and lack of emergency personell on the scene at that moment. The priority was the house fires and rescue of victims in the houses. My job on this one was to decide where resources should be used to save lives. The people that were burned the worst came next to last, right before the dead.
After almost 12 hours we had to start the walk-thru of the houses and marking off where the bodies were. We were still missing 3 or 4 at that point. In the meantime it was also my job to track down food and supplies for the emergency workers on the scene. It was rough looking for bodies and trying to take care of the people who had done the dirty work. In one house we found an elderly lady who was dead, the house was burned pretty bad and something was crunching under my feet but I couldn't make out what it was. A neighbor of the lady told us she had 20 or 30 cats which was what the crunching turned out to be, still don't know why it bothers me and sometimes I don't know if I was actualy in that house. I was the one who found the driver of the truck about 200 yrds from the explosion. All that was left of him was from the chest up and he was missing an eye and most of his skull. The people from the cars that were burned so bad lived about an hour or so and because of triage didn't make it to the hospital B/C there were too many other injured that were salvageable (hate that word)(souls on board too). During the time the severly burn lay'd out there they screamed the entire time. Paramedics tried to give them something for pain but they were burned so bad they couldn't get an IV line in or find enough muscle tissue for IM injections. I missed most of christmas with my infant daughter and family B/C of all the paperwork and debriefing scene workers. The times I've had flahbacks I seem to only be with the burned ones with them begging for help and I vividly see their eyes, smell the burned flesh and feel helpless to do anything at all. During the therapy the doc. brought up the fact that I was medicaly trained and that might be most of my problem B/C I had to leave them and go on to "Manage the scene" rather than immediately help them. Even after all this time I don't drive by that area. I can always find ways around that. (should I drive through there ?) Rationaly I know I'm not the only one severly effected by this but I feel like I was the only one there. A few years after that I met the son of the truck driver and he wanted to know about his dad B/C the funeral was closed casket. I told him I just sat at the command post and didn't go out. For years after the incident I had to lecture about it at the police and fire academy (4 hour lecture) after a couple of years I refused to do it. There is still so much I don't remember. I went thru EMDR and other stuff for about a year every Wednesday. God I don't want to do it again but the Doc I'm going to says we should. I'm sure he's right but I don't want to go back to that scene. That's about all I can think of to write for now. The other stuff is so long I think it would make a thick book.
Again Anthony Soooo much thanks.

[Terry]

Well here I go again. On Thanksgiving we were at my parents house and it was cold. My wife wanted to take a smoke (my parents don't smoke) outside but it was cold. My dad told her she could smoke in the shop where there was heat. We walked in and I remembered the shop was heated with a propane bottle. At that point I started having trouble breathing, started sweating, yatta, yatta...... I told her it wasn't safe and not to go in. She told me something like nonsense and come in. I turned and walked out into the woods with a book and stayed there. Sometimes this fear (Propane) seems like it was a TV show I saw or a book I read. For a while 10yrs or so If I was driving and saw a propane truck I would stop or go as fast as I could to get around it. Did it in the squad car too. If I remember right a 5 gal. bottle of propane in an explosion expands 622 cubic feet. Big blast. I don't know the metric figure. I can't find anything about how to start or outline the diary. Did I miss it somewhere ?

[anthony]

Terry, your doing just fine mate. We can sort other aspects of trauma lists and so forth later, as we need to nut out these main one's first. We start with the big one's, then the rest just seem to work themselves out as we learn.

The metric equivalent for LPG is 270:1; being for every 1 litre of compressed LPG, it mixes with air to make 270 litres off flammable liquid; obviously providing it has the right fuel:air mixture ratio to ignite and burn.

I am assuming then that the tanker was an Liquified Petroleum Gas (LPG) tanker?

As for the rest of them, it would be about as long as War and Peace.
Well mate, once the most significant are out of the way, your going to need to begin that novel here as best you can, being the significant issues that you think about. If you don't think about, nor get any imposing memories off an event within your past, it is not traumatic in regards to dealing with it. But if you went to an accident, had a child die on you or the like, and you remember the event, then you will need to get it out after the significant one's. Any trauma you leave behind, feeds PTSD. The slightest bit of trauma feeding PTSD is still enough to piss you off on a daily occurance.

Having worked as an EMT for so long and seeing the extent of the burns I knew right away they were just walking dead. Any mass casualty incident involves triage which means looking at the injured to determine which ones have a greater chance of surviving.
Terry, I understand you have spoken with doctors and therapists about this before, but I am wondering to what extent. The reason I say that, is because I see doubt here within your mind. Let me put this out to toss about.

If you where 100% confident within your decision that certain people where walking dead, as you put it; then you wouldn't have guilt about your decisions as such. Now this might not be the case, and I could certainly be wrong, as I am often, but for you to have such nightmares about this event, must mean that your mind has guilt and/or fear. You have fear from LPG, as you depicted in your previous post in regards to walking into a room heated by it, and you have guilt about the decisions you made in regard to who lived, and who was already dead by the definition of your training. What are you feeling guilty about Terry?
The priority was the house fires and rescue of victims in the houses. My job on this one was to decide where resources should be used to save lives. The people that were burned the worst came next to last, right before the dead.
Now, from what you have said, I agree with you in that you made the right decisions, but I see that you are having doubt, as described above. Why are you doubting your decisions?

At a guess, because so many died at one time, you have wondered whether others could have been saved or not. Possibly you have guilt associated to so many being lost, and you not being able to save them all???

Terry, I have more from that post, but lets work on one bit at a time shall we! I want to ensure that your anxiety isn't going to raise too far at once. I think narrowing down these aspects one at a time, will give you more focus on each, rather than trying to pull apart the entire incident at once, which could be a bit much for you.

[Terry]

Anthony the questions you just asked seem to crank it up more than when I wrote about it. I guess that would be normal ? About triage, The severly burned was the first thing I saw. I guess I feel that I should have helped them regardless but at that point in my career that wasn't my job and I knew I had to look at (hate this too) The Big Picture. When I think about it I'm conflicted. I don't know if what I did was the right thing regardless of my responsibilty. The Team of Psycologists that I saw (at the university) kept telling me "you can't save the world by yourself". Rationally I know thats true but can't help but think I should have given some kind of medical tx to them instead of rushing on by and directing other responders. It all seems like something from a really bloody movie. Right now I can't concentrate too well. I'm going to have to take a breake for now.

[Nam]

Terry, I just wanted to jump in here to let you know that you're doing great. Take a breather and then come back. I think Anthony raised some good points to consider. Being conflicted in that kind of situation just tells me you have a very big heart that wanted to save everyone.

[Terry]

Well I started to work on this part of the diary but I think too much is going on this week. Plus I need to try and get a good nights sleep (3 hours or more). Good night friends

[anthony]

Anthony the questions you just asked seem to crank it up more than when I wrote about it. I guess that would be normal?
Mate, the idea is more about poking around to find your real feelings, emotions and thoughts, because with trauma, people hide them deep. It is nothing unfamiliar with me to have someone actually get the one little sentence out 6 months after chatting, all of which contains the bulk off thier problems, but they have instead side stepped around it for so long. Trying to find that real hard hitting piece within people is the aim. Solving it then becomes a whole lot easier, whether accepting guilt, or ridding guilt, fault or no fault, it must be resolved.

When I think about it I'm conflicted. I don't know if what I did was the right thing regardless of my responsibilty.
Correct, and this is one of your current problems. You cannot decide whether you are at fault, or no fault. This is what we are here to work out, and for you to decide. It doesn't matter which choice you take, it is merely about coming to terms with how you honestly feel.

You say you can see the big picture in one breathe, yet cannot ascertain for yourself whether the big picture is right or wrong. Psycologists are telling you that you can't save the world, which you accept as factual, but then you undo yourself by placing doubt in the same context.

So... lets get factual shall we Terry?

How many people do you makeup? Answer... One (Easy enough)
In your honest opinion, do you believe you could have saved any severely burned?
If so, how many?
If you did decide at the time too attempt to save a severely burned victim, how many that lived because of your actions, would have died instead?

[Terry]

Anthony I think you kinda got what my problem is. The doc went over this with me the other day and we ended up having me make positive statements about myself. I can rationalize every situation but if I don't learn to find the positives in what I do or did, I'm only kicking myself while I'm down. Do you think I'm thru with this one ?

[anthony]

I don't think your through with it yet mate... I believe you now fully understand one of the areas your lacking in order to heal, but certainly not through with it. You need to make lists, you need to get every little piece of problem that you doubt into writing, whether here or in a book at home, but somewhere so that you can read back what you wrote when needed, because you will need to read it over and over. You need to write the statements, you need to learn them, until such time as your brain knows the difference between logic and false logic. Acknowledging the area of issue is not enough to heal from it though... far from it. Moving to the next area when your just discovering one of the areas of concern, would simply be applying another bandaid which is just going to come off and bite your arse.

[Terry]

Anthony, There is so much and so many incidents that right now I don't think I have enough time left on the planet to even get close to dealing with most of them. It kinda gives me a hopeless feeling. Kick my butt and get me going please.

[anthony]

Done... ka boot. Terry, whilst every little situation is unique, you would find that the same emotions keep cropping up, time and time again, and that is how you shorten your list, for example: every time a person died that you are trying to keep alive in a car, whilst the fire brigade attempt to cut them out, even though each situation has different visuals, the same emotions would come up most of the time, with only exceptions on cases that maybe where a child, or something oddly different to you. This means that hundreds of actual scenes can be summed up in one or two emotions, because you continue to feel the same things each time, not new emotions. Get them out, ie.

# I feel as though I failed every time I lose a person when trying to save them.
# I feel empty when a person dies in my arms
# I feel as though I have absorbed a little of each person who died on me
# I feel joyous when I bring a person back when they die on me, and they live
# I feel ......

You get the idea. You can sum most things up into specific emotions, because remember, its not every scene, its not the images that create the problems, its the emotions. When you dream and see images, these images are provoked by the emotional state you currently have.

[Terry]

I really don't know what else I can do with this incident. My doc and I are working on it and I'm begining to get it. I'm to hard and negative on myself. Do you think I should post the one that's bothering me right now ?

[anthony]

Yep... absolutely. Mate, jump into the mental imagery diary if you want, and fill that out... see what jumps into your mind after that one!

[Terry]

This one has always stuck with me. About 10 years ago I worked a housing project and got to know some of the resident's. One in paticular was a young mother who was a great person. One day she came up missing and her family had gone to her apartment to see if anything was wrong and called us. I knew Bonnie pretty well and knew she would not just leave. At the very begining I suspected her boyfriend had done something to her. We weren't allowed to search the apartment by law and it seemed everytime we went back someone was looking over our shoulder. I tried a bunch of times to get the dumbass detective to get a search warrant so we could do a good search. It seemed like everytime we tried to do something good for the family or find evidence, we got slapped down by the law or police admin. Bonnie had been missing for about a month and the family called us again. This time the apartment had been hot and closed off. The second we entered, I smelled what was obviously a decaying body. The smell has never left my mind from the first time I smelled it (as an EMT in 1981). A housing supervisor ran us out of the apartment and said the only time police or the family could move anything was when the evicted her. That day finally came. It was fall and raining, the family had gone in and started moving things. Bonnie was found in a crawl space behind a sofa in a black trash bag. Her body had decayed to the point it was almost turning to liquid. The autopsy should she had been beaten to death. This peice of shit killed her, took her son too school, then went back and cleaned the apartment. I had all the info on the peice of shit so when homicide got involved I had made the case for them. I raised as much hell as I could about the detective who had the case as a missing person, nothing happened to him. The news media blasted me and my partner for not being able to find the body. We were the one's who even went out and caught the peice of shit. Nobody else even worked the case. What I can't get out of my head is the black plastic bag (won't touch um now), the smell (always afraid to go around any place that looks like where I've found bodies before), Bonnie's son looking in the apartment at her decaying body sticking out of that bag, the smell stuck to my uniform maybe B/C of the rain (I threw away the uniform, boots,socks an underwear). I now go out of my way not to go close to that housing project. I think maybe sometimes I get too close to the things I'm working and get too personal but isn't that what humans are supposed to do. I mean aren't we here to take care of one another ? Why is it that people act like this. Sometimes I wish most of the world would just disappear. Animals are more civilized than the people I deal with. Sometimes it wouldn't bother me to stack these shitheads up like firewood and save animals instead. I wonder if I'm the only one.

[Terry]

Didn't remember this untill I laid down on the couch to take a nap and closed my eyes. We wern't supposed to do it but I did search behind the sofa in that crawl space. I put my hand in the bag Bonnie's body was in. There were clothes pilled on top of her. Right now the anx. is really high. Damn it's so strange. Things I haven't thought of for years come back in vivid colors, smells, conversations, it goes on and on. I'm glad we have this forum. It does help to be able to put my thoughts and feelings up for others. Kinda like talking in my head but not in a crazy sort of way. Thanks forum starter people.