Mystic's Story - My Own Trauma, Husbands Trauma, Relationships in General

[Mystic]

I suppose that now I should tell my story and maybe my frustration with my significant other, will somehow make some sense. We all have our own "baggage" as I always refer to it as, and we bring along that baggage to each of our relationships.

I was given away at birth and adopted at 10 days old by parents who were by all outward appearances a very loving couple, but what people don't know is what goes on behind closed doors. This couple had problems prior to adopting me, so I kind of put some of those problems on hold, being a baby and a diversion which I'm sure was a welcome to both of them.

At first as a baby I was treated well, but then when I was around 3 or so, I can remember things happening around me that I wonder about. Parents fighting, my father in constant pain, mother going to the hospital because, as I found out much later in life, a botched abortion. My mother as I later also found out, was on the drug of the "day", Valium, and she took them like candy.

When I began school, I didn't want to be there, I cried constantly, I can still feel the hole inside my chest, it was a heavy feeling. My mother was treating me badly even by that time, but I didn't notice it much until I was having problems learning in first grade. By today's standards I had ADHD, but no one back then understood that, so all I heard at that young age was, "you just don't study", "all you think about is boys", "you'll never amount to anything", "your a bad seed", "if you don't start obeying me, I'll send you away to a reform school", and on and on it went.

When I was 13 my grades still weren't what they should have been, I was still having problems in school, that heavy feeling in my chest was there daily as I climbed on the school bus, and was there all day at school as I struggled to take tests, and always failed them. I knew when I got home with a report card that I was in serious trouble. My mother locked me in a closet, put a lamp inside the closet and made me study there, where she said, "there aren't any distractions".

It' didn't get any easier for me on that abuse the older I got, it just got worse and my mental attitude didn't improve either. I was so sheltered my whole life, that I never ever understood anything about sex. I didn't understand my menstral cycle, I didn't understand boys or what they wanted or thought about sexually or anything.

At 16 I was going to an all girls Catholic high school and I met a boy on the bus that I rode on, and he was in college and he asked me out and I decided to say yes, and surprisingly enough, my mother let me go. We went out two or three times and one night, he called me, I had just taken a bath and washed my hair, and I had curlers in my hair and I first said no I can't go, then I told him why and he said that we were only going to go get some ice cream. We we went, but before we got the ice cream, we stopped at a local make out place. I won't go totally into it, but there, he raped me.

I went home very late that night, because I was so upset, and my mother was waiting up for me, she asked why we were late, and I finally told her what had happened, and she told me that I provoked it and to just get over it. Then she said, "and I don't believe you anyway, you didn't get raped, you gave it away and you know it". I can remember my fists clenching up, my fingers spasaming to the point where they were in a claw like state, where I couldn't move them, I couldn't breathe and then next thing I knew I woke up on the floor.

I can remember shortly after that, when the boy broke up with me, I took a pair of sissors and stood in front of our fireplace and was going to cut my throat, but I couldn't do it, I was scared.

At 18 I graduated high school, with not so bad grades, and promptly married a guy that I had dated after the first experience, we stayed together for 24 years, but it was my wanting to just get out of my house that caused that marriage.

There is much much more to say here, but I felt that I had put all this behind me, and I actually marveled at my ability to be able to do that, but just maybe I haven't. Is this why I'm now unable to deal with my parner? Because I'm feeling now, that he doesn't care if I'm around or not. He just sleeps. He is back on all of his meds now, but he just sleeps. Help!

[Mystic]

I've just realized that I may also have PTSD. OMG!

I was hit with anything that my mother could get her hands on. One day after school, I came home with a bad grade and she backhanded me, I lurched backward, and right down the basement stairs, I remember falling, I remember the fright, then the cement floor and the blood pouring out of my mouth and nose. My father bending over me, cradling me and just crying. Why didn't he try to stop her? He never stopped her from doing anything. He still doesn't. He's in his 80's and he's still allowing her to do anything that she wants to do, he doesn't even call me.

He says now that he never knew most of the things that my mother was doing to me, then why when he did finally find out, didn't he do something about it, talk to her about it, of course she would deny it, but still. I was so terrified of her, and still am, and I'm 52, she can't hurt me anymore, or can she?

[Nam]

She can't. Why do mothers do this???? I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope that you can get through it because it's very hard to help another in need if you aren't well yourself. Keep writing Mystic. Write them all down.

[veiled]

Exactly what Nam said. Keep getting it out of you.

[nov_silence]

I have this "irrational fear" that my mother will still beat me if I make a mistake. This couldn't be farther from the truth. It's amazing how fear can immobilize you... I am working hard to change this. Keep you the great work. We are listening.

Proud of you, baby girl!

[anthony]

Mystic, well done getting this far. Whilst you had abuse from your parents, I don't see any off that mentioned being traumatic enough to warrant PTSD. What I do see as traumatic enough to give you PTSD, is the rape at 16, promptly followed by your mothers discouragement, abandonment and ignorance of the matter. Whether you have it or not, that is only something that a physician can diagnose you with.

Your past could very well be helping the issues between you and your partner now, absolutely. He is a veteran, you have been raped, and as you so well and accurately put it, both parties have their baggage when coming too the relationship gate. Is his problems now provoking your own disposition surrounding personal trauma? Most likely.

Relationships are never easy, regardless of PTSD. Relationships come and go on a daily basis, and have nothing to do with any illnesses. Why? Because people realize they are not suited to one another, people are too selfish and want their life instead of a joint life, people find out their partner is not as nice as initially thought, and the list goes on. Society today is very different, in that relationships are like electronics, throw away items. That is the attitude today... and societies pressures have made it this way. Instead of working through problems, regardless of nature, we take the easy choices, the lazy choices, walk away instead, start over and do thing differently the next time. Problem is though, the next time comes and the same problems arise... and so continue in all relationships.

Relationships are a cycle, just like most things in life. Fashion is a cycle, and relationships are no different. The thing is though, is that what people forget, is that relationships must be taken back to gate in which both came together, at periodic times during it, in order for both parties to cycle the honeymoon period, put some life back into themselves, thus also back into the relationship.

One cannot make a relationship. Us males at the best of times, become complacent, stubborn and we think that things will remain the way they are, because that is our comfort levels and the way in which we are used too them. We struggle to change, and that is something that must be discussed in a relationship. Who said things have to stay the same? There is no rule. Both parties must be willing to try new things, move outside their comfort zones, in order to keep both ourselves, and our partners interested mentally.

I think you need to drag your hubby into a relationship counsellor, and let them give him the pointy end of the stick, so he can see he must make an effort, or else his comfort zone will no longer be very comfortable at all...

[Miander]

Hi Mystic - I just wanted to tell you that I too was abused by my adopted mother and I really admire you for getting it out. I am 35 and still find myself controlled by alternating fear and longing for the woman that was supposed to raise me as her own. In my family, my parents had children after they adopted me and all of them pretended the abuse wasn't happening - and still do. I think it is amazing that you are trying to make your relationship work out, that is a good sign. Hang in there!