Bec's Mental Imagery

[becvan]

WARNING: If you plan on submitting your own mental imagery interview for assessment, DO NOT read the proceeding first, instead fill out your own interview first, then read these, so your current mental image is not skewed, resulting in a possible inaccurate emotional state being returned to you.

I will be putting ALL my imagery and relevant coversations in this thread. There will be nothing held back, nor hidden in the trauma diaries concerning this. I'm going no holds barred for two reasons. A) everyone needs to see where this takes us and how it works B) hiding it isn't going to help me. I need to take big, big steps. So this is my big step. My imagery posts will follow this.

Bec

[becvan]

This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

Q1. What colour is the road? Each stone is grey, black, brown and white (nothing remarkable, your average stone) and smoothed out as if from a riverbed.

Q2. What texture is the road? I am standing on a cobbled/stoned road. It is about two feet wide and goes as far as the eye can see.They are each about the size of my palm (um... 2 1/2 inches about?) and shaped just like a skipping stone yet thicker.

Q3. How solid is the road? The road seems to be perfectly flat when you look at it, but it isn't. The stones are not set right. Each stone is sitting at a different height from the others around. The road is teacherous and very slippery. Everything around it (deep green grass, beautiful blue sky) is calm and serene looking.

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

I reach the river and it is no more than a stream.

Q4. How do you cross the river? There is no way to cross expect to step on the sparkiling tops of baby waves. (they barely raise from the surface.. more like shiny spots on the river.) I have to step on each one, but they keep disappearing. It takes forever to cross such a little stream. Under each sparkle is an eel/parania (it looks like some vicious hybrid. Body of an eel, mouth of the parania) and I have to be careful not to fall off my sparkle as those things are waiting for me. (hell this part makes me anxious.. hope you are going to explain this afterwards...) I make it though after tiptoeing each cautious step across. The entire time my face is just floating there like some bloated dead whale.

Q5. What does the water look like? It's a deep sparkling blue. It looks calm.

Q6. How fast is the water current? It is still until I step on it.

Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? I look at the surface and beneath I see my face. My hair is flaming red and washing around as if it were ribbons. My eyes are very sad and there is a huge sparling tear coming down my very pale cheeks. My lips are ruby red. It's as if the colours are exaggerated. I am just beneath the surface. Beneath my surface face are the exact same stones as my road.

You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house? The house that appears is a small one room, clapboard house. It almost looks as if it was burnt and this is just the shadow left of what used to be there. (kinda like a ghost house.) yet I can see that once the house was a pretty brown.

Q9. What condition is the house in? The windows are whole. It was just unused. There is a chimney that runs down the back side of the house and two windows (very small and plain ones) in the front. No door strangely enough.

Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? Both the before and after house is empty. Never had anyone there.

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup? Hmm the cup. The cup is sitting in the middle of my road. It is a beautiful gleaming gold. It is shaped like a goblet yet much larger than that. (the shape would be similar to a martini cup but with a flater, wider bottom and the cup part would be the size of my head.) All around the outside of the cup are diamond shape stones that look like rubies. They are blood red.

Q12. What condition is the cup in? The cup is in prestine condition.

Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? The cup is filled to the brim with blood. (this makes me anxious also) The surface of the blood is smooth (almost like looking at ice) and the sun glints off the rubies and the blood.

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail? Now my obstacle is a giant boulder that is the same colour and consitency as my road but it has giant, ragged edges that look very sharp. It's freaking huge (size of my car huge) yet still takes up no more space than the width of my road. (why is this entire thing like an optical illusion?) I can see around and above it, yet I can't move that way.An invisible force is making me contemplate going over it.

Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? Behind the boulder is mountains. they look the same as my boulder but much bigger and much much worse. I know that there are boulders all the way from this one to the other side of the mountains. I look at the this boulder.

[becvan]

Anthony's Reply:

Based on your mental imagery found in this limited Road Interview, a recent problem of feeling hurt and powerless may have occurred and seem overwhelming and insurmountable. Present feelings are reinforced by hurt from the past, primarily confusion and sadness.

Confusion persists in a personal relationship of loving someone and wondering if you will be hurt as you have been before. Feeling unappreciated, innocent and naïve, and not in control, may produce fear of a sense of loss or impending loss of self or part of self.

The confusion widens as you value relationships to the highest degree possible and may wonder why you do not feel loved and supported by those important in your life, both past and present.

Becs Next Obstacle:

It's a log. It's very long going a few feet past each side of my little road. It's hollow with one large (stump hole, you know an empty branch thingy that sticks up?) bump thingy in the middle of it. It's sticking straight up at the sky and I can see the shadows inside the log where the sun doesn't touch. I can easily step over it or sit on it. It's all covered in a soft green moss and has funny red mushrooms growing out of it.

Anthonys Reply:

You feel a victim of life in some way. This does not necessarily imply abuse, but the conditions necessary for us to grow big and strong were not always there. If love does not exist between us and our parents, we may feel we have fallen from their love. You feel as though your life should be healthy, vigorous and growing, yet you are aware of past issues, possibly as a child, where something inside you has died. You have current excitement about an event, possibly soon, though you have secrets within, which are influencing your present pain.

Bec, why is your log hollow? What can you tell me about the emotional image you are presenting?

Becs Reply:

Hmm I have no idea why the log is hollow.

Okay the emotional image (with the log): Well this is my partner. My secrets are my fears. (I have a ton of those) I'm fearful that I'm making a mistake, that he will turn out abusive at some point or just using us, I'm afraid of his love to be truthful. It's ... pure. Something I have never experienced. It scares the hell outta me. My reaction to him scares me. I'm terrified of him coming home and terrified of him not. (nice confusion going on here eh?) I'm not sure if I'm capable of truly loving anyone. That is the part of me that died from my parents. My love. It's there, but as soon as it's supposed to come out. *poof* I start having problems. I'm scared I'm going to sabatoge this relationship because it terrifies me. I have to watch myself. Yes, I should be healthy, loving, vivacious.. and instead my parents gifted me with terror of being loved. How freaking nice is that.. It angers me (yes hurt, betrayal and frustration.)

I am like this in all relationships, but normally I would date abusive monsters. My partner isn't like that. He's different. I know it. He is supposed to get day parole (to a halfway house) and be able to come home in June. It' almsot the same year.. hence that excitement.

Becs Following Reply:

I was just mulling over this diary, and this brought tears to my eyes.. so it must be important... I don't understand how he can love me. My own parents couldn't even love me. His loving me actually hurts me. It just causes me more confusion as I can understand not being loved, but not being loved. I wonder what he could possible see that he finds so enduring. I'm a loon and I know it. I'm completely different from others around me and i'm a mess. I've always struggled with this...

Bec

I've been constantly sniffing back tears since we started this imagry.. you must be hitting something, as crying is very rare for me...

[becvan]

Quote:
Originally Posted by becvan http://www.ptsdforum.org/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.ptsdforum.org/post6935.html#post6935)

raped again at age 17, was told I asked for it

This lovely memory was horridly triggered on Sunday night. I relived every minute of that whole week. I felt like clawing off my skin with javex and a wire brush. I'm still not on an even keel from this. I've never felt emotions like that before! Hell, I never really felt this "episode" as I stuffed it when it was happening and never reopened it again. (I'm not sure if this should be here or in the imagery thingy, as I suspect this is from that.. the emotions are not normal for me...) I have to go to work shortly, but I wanted to start this now. I will add to it as I can. This is going to be hard. I've only spoke of it once and that was Sunday night when I was hysterical and desperately trying not to fall off the wagon!

Bec

[becvan]

Ack, I realize this thread is starting to be all over the place (anthony help!) I think I'm missing stuff?

Anyways... the rape.

I was in AA. I was living here in fort but had my sponsor in Kenora (which is a town about two hours away.) I was going through a very rough spot living with my partner (who was abusive but I didn't realize that at the time.. I had grown up with violence I thought it was normal.) My sponsor was "helping" me deal with my issues. His suggestion (he was much much older than me) was that I go on a trip with him to clear my head. I agreed. Sponsor's are supposed to know what is best for us. I was excited to go. I was supposed to be gone for one week. My partner was having fits. I didn't care. I went with him. It was summer time, bright and beautiful out. He had a car. It was big and white with the top that came down. I remember the wind blowing my hair on the trip. (It was about two days.) the first night while travelling we got a hotel room. Seperate beds. Nothing amiss. we talked about my issues and how I wanted to get high to escape etc.. Typical AA stuff. The second night we were in our destination. He got this seedy little room. That place was creepy. Reminded me of a coke house or something. The room had a single little bed. All the "tenets" there looked like creepy old men. That place scared me. I remember standing in that room, looking at the bed and the fear just started to crawl down my back. He told me "we would be sharing the bed or I could walk home." I had no money and was over 24 hours from home. I remember him on top of me. I was crying. He was short, gross and hairy and sweating all over me. He had a red beard (I still dislike beards.) I zoned out for most of it. After wards, he just rolled over and went to sleep. I got dressed and snuck out with the clothes I was wearing. I wandered that town for hours in the middle of the night. I was able to bum a cup of coffee off of some guy in the early morning hours. Then I would go and hide in an alley so he couldn't find me. I still feel that terror hiding in the dark. What would he do if he found me? Could I run away. I felt so dirty. I was a filthy person. I spent about three days hiding during the day and lurking at night, bumming coffee and smokes. I was so miserable and didn't know how to get any help. The town I was in spoke mostly french so I even had trouble with basic communication. Somehow (I don't remember how) I met up with a bar band and one of them took me in. I slept with him for three nights before the police found me. Turned out my family had reported me missing and the police had tracked me down. Filthy, degraded, broke, I was sent home on a bus. It was over 18 hours straight without stops. Longest bus ride of my life. Some nice old guy on the bus taught me how to play a card game in my hands and bought me coffee halfway here. I arrived here and my mom picked me up. We quickly got in a fight. She told me that "I knew" what he wanted and that I had left willingly so I couldn't complain about what happened. I walked out on her. She drove beside me in her car for about four blocks yelling at me to get in. I didn't even acknowledge her. I went back to my partner and he took me back. I went home and showered and returned to work. I quit AA and started doing drugs again. I shut down. I felt filthy and cheap. I felt that the only thing I was good for was sex whether I wanted it or not. I jammed this memory as far down as it could go and if it tried to resurface I'd shove it back again.

I still feel filthy... It's like it stained my soul...

Bec

[anthony]

Bec, do you feel like raising this has helped rebuild your soul a little? I imagine it is quite painful, to say the least, especially that you have surfaced something that was dug so deep, causing you such miserable pain. This is exactly what secrets do to us, and worse with PTSD. Well done bec... very well done.

Bec, you and I have spoken previously about the dirtiness factor associated with rape. Do you feel that this really is you now, or do you see that maybe this was your life at the time by factors outside of your control, ie. other issues that have been discussed privately?

[becvan]

When I think about it, I feel filthy but I know it's residue from then. That is not me now. I am not defined by that anymore. When I have a flashback of it, I feel filthy in that moment. Yes, I recognize this is from the rapes and outside factors. It's just very hard to remember that when retelling this or flashbacking it. How to describe it? My past soul still has filth on it. Yeah I can see how this would feed my PTSD.

Its very painful but I do feel better this morning for telling it. This was a big secret for me, something I hung over my head and didn't even realize. I internalized my mother's "blaming" and beat myself up with it. Reading it in black and white... I was still a child that trusted in someone I was supposed to trust. That was broken and abused. I can see that reading that. Doesn't make it any less painful but maybe I can quit hurting myself with it.

Bec

[anthony]

You certainly can stop hurting yourself now bec, because its out, no longer a deep dark secret hiding within you. Well done. Your logical brain can now process the emotional surroundings of this trauma, instead of it merely creating sympomatic outbreaks. One significant trauma less feeding your fears now bec... very well done. Got any more hiding? Oh, don't worry, I will find them.

[becvan]

Next to go is the chiropractor.. then the gun/sex thingy


those are sitting in my brain..

bec

[becvan]

When I was 18, I went to see a chiropractor with my mom. She recommended him and had said he did wonders for her back. She was in the waiting room while I went into the patient room. I was told to put on a gown, which I did. He came in and closed the door. He examined my back then told me he needed to see my ribs. He told me to drop the gown, which I did (I still had my pants on but nothing else.) He procedded to "examine" me. Basically he molested my top half. God, this is giving me an anxiety attack as I speak. My throat just tightened up , I'm dizzy, I feel like I'm gonna puke. I never said one word. Not once. I knew that something wasn't right. I felt very deeply ashamed. When I started to see my chiro now, He knew he couldn't come very close to me. It took him years to be able to work on me without me freaking out. He is still cautious. I told him what had happened. I found out, from my now chiro, that the first one had molested many girls. He was never charged but he was ran outta town. I guess I wasn't the only one. I have issues with the dentist, eye doctor.. all of them from that.. I don't like them getting close and have really bad anxiety when they do get close. Well, this came blurting outta my mouth to my freind this week. It just popped out. It was there, but I didn't even realize it.

Okay I just cut and pasted this.. but I wanted to get into the emotions thing.

I fear going to appointments. I have bad anxiety attacks everytime someone puts me on a bed or chair to examine me.. to the point that I avoid it.. I know it's unreasonable yet there it is.. I felt really stupid when it happened.. as if I should have somehow "known" that that was his intentions.. Of course, I can't mind read.. I had no idea what to expect from that type of appointment nevermind the doctor...

I'm not sure what this makes me feel... I know I'm very shy about my breasts.. I hide them as much as possible.. I don't like anyone touching them or oogling them.. It makes me feel that I'm being violated.. (flashbacks maybe?? hmm funny that just occured to me now) and that makes me uncomfortable.. I feel vunerable if that happens.. like china that will break..

I think I need help digging at this.. It doesn't hurt...

bec

[anthony]

Bec, do a current mental image and post it here. Don't look at what you did previously, just take the outline from the other thread in here and answer it to what you see now.

[becvan]

Q1. What colour is the road? The road is pitch black.
Q2. What texture is the road? it's smooth like oil...
Q3. How solid is the road? It's soft and squishy but only for about an inch and then it's hard underneath.

Everything is pitch black, I can't see or make out anything.. I know I'm on the road by the feel of it...

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river? I walk across a creaky rope bridge made out of rope and wood planks. (think Indiana Jones style) Many of the wood planks are either broken or missing. I'm terrified of heights and cling to the ropes and try to crawl/walk as best I can.
Q5. What does the water look like? The water is very far below (I'm up above it, ridge style) From what I can see it's pitch black.. very dark...
Q6. How fast is the water current? I can't tell but I get the sense it's rushing..
Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? Again, It's too dark around me and in the water to see.. I have no idea.

You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house? It's a red brick house.
Q9. What condition is the house in? The house itself is solid but all the windows are broken out.
Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? Yes, a man.. I can see his siloute through the broken windows.. there is a candle glowing inside.. Looking in it makes me anxious and I want to run by it.

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup? It's greyish. It is made out of stone and shaped like a lumpy bowl.
Q12. What condition is the cup in? It looks really beat up, but doesn't have any cracks yet.
Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? Nope, it's empty like it hasn't been used in a long time.

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail? The obstacle is nothingness. There is just nothing there. Like everything got eaten and I'm looking into a black hole. The road and landscape just stops in a jagged line and then nothing.
Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? More nothingness. There is nothing to see, everything is gone..




*in case you are wondering.. I'm panicing about court today.. Still awake due to horrid anxiety attacks.. every three seconds i"m getting images of being killed or beat up at court..*

[anthony]

Sadness completely overwhelms your life at present, and whilst you believe life is easy and pleasant, your life is consumed by sadness, possibly struggling because of a sexual preoccupation issue. You are markedly inhibited and non-trusting of sexual relationships, sadness predominates once again, and whilst you are quick to often get involved you are finding it difficult to resolve this issue. You are highly emotional about your support systems, as though they have crumbled beneath you, though you feel past support systems have been good enough to survive in life, you demonstrate a poor self esteem at present. You feel confused about possible victimization within commitment, and have no commitment to anyone, or anything of importance right now. You see utter deep sadness at present, with no hope for the future, and possibly have given up on life itself.

Questions to ask yourself:

* What has changed within my life due to a sexual nature?
* What has changed with my support?
* Why do I feel victimized for another persons neglect?

[becvan]

Sadness completely overwhelms your life at present, and whilst you believe life is easy and pleasant, your life is consumed by sadness, possibly struggling because of a sexual preoccupation issue. You are markedly inhibited and non-trusting of sexual relationships, sadness predominates once again, and whilst you are quick to often get involved you are finding it difficult to resolve this issue. You are highly emotional about your support systems, as though they have crumbled beneath you, though you feel past support systems have been good enough to survive in life, you demonstrate a poor self esteem at present. You feel confused about possible victimization within commitment, and have no commitment to anyone, or anything of importance right now. You see utter deep sadness at present, with no hope for the future, and possibly have given up on life itself.

Questions to ask yourself:

* What has changed within my life due to a sexual nature?
* What has changed with my support?
* Why do I feel victimized for another persons neglect?

Yeah, i feel dead inside. Completely apathetic, I can't see past two minutes from now. Then the next second i'm just overwhelmed with sadness. then apathetic.. that was dead on.

So, what changed within my life with sexual nature? umm, not so much sexual but any type of physical contact. I just can't stand it. I freak out and scream at anyone who comes near me. If someone hit's on me I want to puke. I think it's all these damn triggers, flashbacks and me trying to work through my trauma. I just don't want anyone near me. I don't want to be in any type of relationship and greatly resent anyone asking/hinting etc.. Since I haven't had sex in months that's not an issue, but emotionally with my ex-partner, i feel used and it's spilling into the entire world are users. I basically can not stand anyone right now.
How has my support changed? well, with leaving the ex, my landlord/best freind takes his side and tries to guilt me into going back so I refuse to even talk to him. My dad "loves" my ex and told me that "i better not doing anything to screw this up" so I don't want to speak to my dad whatsoever now. My mother is just and condenscending b*tch about it all along with step-father and sister, so that leaves me with my step-mom. She is wonderful, thankfully. Most of my freinds are males so it's major hit on time and i"m rather disgusted with all of them. On top of that, i don't feel that our justice system is being supportive at all, that I am being dragged through this for no reason, i'm angry at the system. I also know that I need help right now and I can't get it in canada, so I resent our mental health system also.

Why do I feel victimized? Because I tried so freaking hard.. I made boundries, I was clear about what I needed, wanted, expected. I demanded honesty, respect etc.. and i still got bit in the ass. I feel like i have some invisible marker on me that says "please mistreat me." I'm freaking tired of it.. I've worked bloody hard to break the cycle of violence and look at the last one? He's sitting in jail for a heinious crime!!! I just feel beat when it comes to relationships.. if this is all there is then no thanks.. I will stay alone. Hell look at court.. i never even had a relationship with the sob and I was stalked, threatened, watched etc.. now I'm in court because why? I swear.. invisible target..

I'm very discouraged right now.. i'm exhausted, my body keeps shutting down, my symptoms are beyond control and there is no help.. absolutly nothing but here (which is great.. but.. i'm worrying about heart attacks currently... i had an anxiety attack that lasted for 10 hours this week.. my chest still hurts and it's been three days.. so i'm talking more about physical, job, and finaciall support). I'm angry, i'm disillusioned, i'm disgusted, i'm exhuasted, frustrated, hurt, betrayed, afraid, .. etc..
Bec

[anthony]

Bec, you and me need to schedule some more personal video chat time I think... a few discussions about things. If your up to that?

[becvan]

Yep, I can do that.. I have court today so I will be back on later this evening (it's 7 am right now).

Bec

[becvan]

Q1. What colour is the road? My road is a rusty red.

Q2. What texture is the road? It's made out of gravel. Easy to walk on, yet some sharp rocks.

Q3. How solid is the road? Very solid and packed down.

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river? I wade through it as it isn't very deep. It only goes to my ankles.

Q5. What does the water look like? Its a muddy stream. Very murky yet some clear parts. There is sucking mud on the bottom.

Q6. How fast is the water current? It's very fast but so shallow it just laps around me. The stream is choppy.

Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? It's dirty water. Muddy like it has been stirred up.

You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house? It's grey and made out of cement. It's like a garage more than a house.

Q9. What condition is the house in? Some of the cement blocks are weathered but otherwise it's in excellent condition. It looks.. umm.. like a garage that is no longer used. Has a big truck door on it.

Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? Nope, this is where people worked not lived. It lacks the home thingy.

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup? Rusty red like the road. It's made out of clay/mud.

Q12. What condition is the cup in? It's like old pottery. Cracked and chipped and ready to fall apart.

Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? It would break if anything touched it or if anything was in it. dry as dust.

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail? It's an animal. A cross bewteen a horse and lion. Bottom of the horse, top is the lion. It's brown and that rust red. It's roaring angrily at me and pawing it's hooves in the air. It's a scary monster basically.

Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? beautiful open feilds, with the sun shining and pretty flowers dotting the feilds. it looks very serene. Kinda has rolling hills way in the back ground. the perfect place to go and romp about or have a picnic without worries.

[anthony]

You are highly emotional at present and feel life is a little difficult, though very aware of these issues, though you are progressing forward regardless. You are trusting of sexual intimacy, though fear being hurt from feeling unappreciated / depreciated in the past. You are quick to get involved, rushing into intimacy without enought thought possibly. You would like to think your never in too deep, yet you often are. You feel confused about your support systems, denial they have not always been the best / still aren't even. Your self esteem and confidence is quite low though. You fee quite unappreciated from commitment, as you have been victimized and depreciated in relationships of commitment. Your biggest problem at present is the feeling of being attacked and hurt, though you do remain optimistic about the future, even spiritual.

[becvan]

Why does this whole sexual intimacy keep coming up? I'm afraid of it. I crave it yes, I miss it, but I'm afraid of it. I think I would freak out if someone asked me out on a date! LOL. Yes, I am quick to get involved. More like was, lol, as the thought of someone coming near me makes me want to vomit.

Support systems? They suck. Plain and simple. This whole episode with my kids has proven that. I haven't had one person step up and attempt to help and it's way out of control here. I have my best Freind Nicole, who just moved home, she is the only real support system I have, Connie is good for talking and it ends there. I'm coming out of my confusion and denial. When I have to go to FAC's to get help, because I have no family support, denial tends to go out the window.

Yeah, commitment.. commitment to getting beat? used? lied to? etc.. I'm a very loyal person but enough is enough. I don't want commitment because I know where it leads.. down an ugly road. I'd rather be alone. It's calmer, nicer, safer, etc..

Yeah my self-esteem and confidence has taken a horrible hit lately. I have to remind myself to congradaulate myself on my little accomplishments in a day as I feel so down.

I am exhausted all the time. I could sleep for 20 hours and I would feel exhausted. The more that is getting piled on me, the more exhausted I am feeling...

bec

[becvan]

Okay I think (think being very relative here) I know why sexual intimacy is coming up continully.

Les keeps running through my head. It is like he was two people. He was a fun, kind, gentle, understanding, loving, and affectionate, person when I was with him. Then he went to jail. Then I discovered the manipulative, lying, selfish person. I just can't make the two men I know mesh up. I have moments where I remember when we were intimate and how much I trusted him, and then my brain flashes to what he was in jail for, and what I have been through (mulitple rapes) and it's like I can't process this. Then my brain goes over all the crappy relationships I've ever had (okay, well that would be all of them) and I wonder how do I fight so hard to stablize and straighten out my life, learn about myself and how to get and be healthy and still end up with Les? How does this happen? Why couldn't I see it? Then I just want to puke. The thought of attempting to let someone near me again, makes me want to puke. I can not trust myself when it comes to dating men. Simple. I just can't. I picked a monster last time and didn't even know it. Even my step-mom says she is having problems with the "two" people that Les is. So I guess this crap is flashing through my brain most of the time. I just can't seem to process it nor settle with it.

bec

[becvan]

This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

Q1. What colour is the road?

It's a dusty rose and brown.

Q2. What texture is the road?

The road is made out of super fine sand and squishes quietly as you walk.

Q3. How solid is the road?

It's very solid except for the fine rose dust the seems to float across it.

Everything here seems muted. There is that strange dust that seems to float about the air, making it all seem kinda fuzzy. I am not alarmed in any way and feel as if I'm in a dream, every thing is slow motion.

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river?

I walk through it. It's not very deep at all, barely reaching my ankles. I can see that I am wearing dirty old sneakers and the water splashes around them. The water has no feeling to it. It's not wet at all.

Q5. What does the water look like?

It's a very brilliant blue as I walk up to it but turns a dirty blue that is muted in colour as I cross it. It also has a layer of that funny rose coloured dust on it.

Q6. How fast is the water current?

It's a very lazy little current. It seems to barely move. Again everything in slow motion here.

Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?

Just that funny dust on the top of it.. and well of course my dirty sneakers!


You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house?

It's a plain white, off white kind of. It's old and looks weather worn with the dust all over it. It is made out of some kind of rock and is like the old houses you see in Western movies in Mexico, except this is very tiny.

Q9. What condition is the house in?

At first glance, you would think it was about to fall down because of that dust. However the walls are solid. The floors are just dirt, same as the road.


Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who?

Nope the house has been abandoned for many years. My finger prints are left in the dirt on the walls when I peek in. Although empty, it has a warm feel to it. As if it waits for it's owners return.

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup?

It's the same old dusty rose as the road. Underneath it seems to be made out of some sort of clay that is dull in colour.

Q12. What condition is the cup in?

It looked okay, but when I pick it up it starts to crumble in my fingers. It just disintegrates into dust that lazily blows away.

Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what?

No there was just that dust when I picked it up but then my cup crumbled so I don't even have a cup now.

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail?

It's a wall of dust. Like a tornado of it. It's moving really really fast and is very dark. It seems to be sucking up everything around it. I find it very terrifying and am afraid to go near it as I feel that I will get sucked up and never come back again.

Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle?
Beyond is just a long road, the same fields and ton's of dust. It feels like I'm stuck in a picture. Really there is nothing there but that damn dust and the evil obstacle.

[becvan]

Okay for self analyzing it..

Well the dusty rose is weird. Cause I hate pinks. However this colour is strangely soothing. My initial reaction to the whole thing is that I'm just lazy right now. LOL

So hmmm, are my emotions dissociating? Maybe the house is waiting for my emotions to come back? LOL but that makes no sense because I've been all over the board lately in the emotions field.

I have no idea it's all very muted and dream like to me. Not really any emotions just.. la la land like. The only thing that really got me was the dust tornado thing. My stomach flips just thinking about it. It's very scary.

Maybe I'm scared of feeling my emotions?

Ughh, not too good at this part am I? LOL

bec

Ohh I just wanted to add, there is no sound there. Nothing not a drop of sound. It's all.. just sight and emotion. No feel (as in touch) and no sound.

[becvan]

I just looked back to my other "roads" and noticed something. My colours are reds or pinks with browns. My water is around my ankles and I have some big "thing" that scares the hell outta me that is eating everything up.

It's the same in all of them! Does this mean I'm not making any progress?

bec