Cass's Mental Imagery

[GR-ass]

WARNING: If you plan on submitting your own mental imagery interview for assessment, DO NOT read the proceeding first, instead fill out your own interview first, then read these, so your current mental image is not skewed, resulting in a possible inaccurate emotional state being returned to you.

Q1. What colour is the road? The road is a grey black, like ash after a bushfire. The whole landscape seems charred, dulled, shadowed.
Q2. What texture is the road? The road is made up of powdery dirt, like fine sand in texture.
Q3. How solid is the road? The surface seems to slide underfoot, it seems unstable and yet has a deeper stability underneath. The powdery upper surface gives way to a solid under bank.

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river? There is a small row boat on the closer side of the river. I use the boat, but not the oars, instead I use a rope strung across the river to ferry me and the boat across.
Q5. What does the water look like? The water is dark and reflective. There is the swirling of an undercurrent below.
Q6. How fast is the water current? On the surface the river looks still, below the current is fierce, waiting for some one unwary enough to try and swim it.
Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? There are glimmerings of memory, a trick of the eye. In the water the shadows and eddies seem to form the faces of people, places.

You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house? The house is white, with blue paint around the windows and a blue door.
Q9. What condition is the house in? The house looks well loved. While a small cottage style place, it gives an impression of home, of safety and of security.
Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? An old woman and a little girl.

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup? The cup is of tarnished silver.
Q12. What condition is the cup in? It is tarnished, a little dinted and battered, but still whole.
Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? There is blood in the cup, tacky and still fresh.

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail? The obstacle is a fallen ree. An old rainforest giant whose very size makes everything around it seem insignificant. It is covered in moss, a strangler fig winds it’s way around. At what once first seemed solid is but an empty shell.
Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? I see darkness and thorns, a path that looks both fearful and painful, there are shadows flickering around, daring me to take a step out of safety.

[anthony]

Hi Cass,

Don't forget the second part of this... as its important. I cannot process this until that is done. The second stage is listed within the format thread.

[GR-ass]

:P

I know, just have major headache *sighs*

curls up to sleep

[GR-ass]

Ok, self analysis time
Q1. the road I see as an ash like color because to me a forest, a road after bushfire while decimated also has a greater chance of regrowth. After fire a charred landscape regreens, finds life when there otherwise wouldn't have been any. This is how I see me. I have been burnt, bt like the forest attound me, I can heal and be vibrant again.

Q2. The powdery dirt makes it tiring to walk on. I thnk I feel at times that my road, my journey is exhausting. I don't want to go forwards but there is nothing to go back to.

Q3 See answer above. Gee, so love feeling like I'm forever going backwards. Don't want to go back, just can't help slipping now and then.

Q4 Okay, the row boat. Me not using the oars is basically a I don't feel strong enough. Using the rope is easier, at least to start off.

Q5 The water is like a mask. It's something I use to hide behind. I can't see myself in it, not truly. I don't think I can see anything clearly, not till I loose my mask.

Q6 The current to me represents the emotions I keep hidden. The run so hard so fast. I don't let people see them, I don't like showing weakness, and yet my emotions, the current can still be felt.

Q7 Heh, really. Was I high when I wrote this? I think I hide memories still. If I don't want to face them I push them away. It doesn't make them go away though, just lets them resettle to find me again when I am less wary.

Q8 My house. I see it a s white, cottage like, because it is comforting, clean in a nightmare world. It is almost shining bright, pure.

Q9 Safe and secure. My house is where I retreat to. It is my safe place, where I would put myself to get away from reality and all the bad shit.

Q10. I think both the old woman and the girl are me. The old woman represents all the bad shit, the stuff I have lived through. It is the part of me that looks on life and protects and cares for everything.
The girl however is the part of me, that innocent part that I locked away years ago. She is a part of me that I will never regain, a ghost of me. It makes me sad, makes me cry to think of her vivacity. I was like her once. I laughed and played and enjoyed life. She has no fear.

Q11 My cup is tarnished and yet still silvery. Silver is often used to represent purity, i think it is my way of saying t myself that I am not to blame. I still have 'purity'. I'm not bad. The tarnish however is a sign that I really do blame myself.

Q12 Dinted and battered? Who me?

Q13. Blood. Why do I have a fixation with blood? (is rhetorical) it could be a sign of wounds unhealed, of life. A reminder of my sef harming. It could be that I feel as if I am dying inside.

Q14 Okay, my tree. My obstacle. I like forests, and trees. My tree however blocks my path. It seems an unbeatable obstacle. I seem to be making things hard for myself. I don't want to disturb anything that lives there, but I have to get past. Symbolically representing my desire to not cause waves, to not cause any ripples in life.

Q15. Why does going forward seem so scary? Really. My nightmare scape just turned painful. I have a feeling I have a shit load of healing to do yet. The path forward, my path to healing is full of pain yet. I know I have to face it because behind me (looks over proverbial shoulder into greyness) is nothing.

[GR-ass]

Anthony, I don't think I like this *curls up and cries*

Really don't.

[anthony]

You are confused about life, been sad for a long time now and holding secrets about many facets of your life. You are aware you have not been in control of your life. You have a marked inhibition to trust those within intimate relationships, possibly feel like you are being swirled around; under the control of others even, holding more secrets about your sexual past. You demonstrate an innocent idealism with your support systems, though you are in denial that you have received the support you needed growing up, and even to this day. Possible alienation from your mother or father, with incest present within your life. You value commitment highly, though are very aware of past hurt within committed relationships. Family abuse is present within committed relationships. You feel a victim of life itself, though you are aware of future pain in order to re-establish your life. You do not see life past your fear at present.

[anthony]

Cass, can you tell me in more detail, how your tree fell? Imagine you are standing back, describe the weather, the tree, how it falls, what makes it fall, like a movie with precise detail.

[GR-ass]

The tree, Anthony, have you been up to the Atherton table lands? My tree has fallen, strangled to death by a fig. It seems such an innocuous thing, gives the tree a sense of life when there is none. It's but an illusion.
The tree doesn't fall, it's just there, it just is.


The weather is cold and still, with a hint of rain in the air. It does fall, an irritating drizzle.

[anthony]

Cass, let me start by saying, you are the tree. You feel as though you have fell from an unpleasant sexual issue that is irritating you.

Who is the fig Cass? If you think of yourself as that fallen tree, then a fig is larger, more powerful in size, a male figure most likely, that has strangled you, sucked your lifes juices from you, starved you to a degree.

[GR-ass]

I'm scared of the fig. I don't want to look too closely at it.

Shards and shells anthony, this makes me hurt more then my trauma diary *whimpers*

It is a representation of everyone, every male that hurt me. My brothers, warren, clinton.
They all used me sexualy, used me up and left me empty.
They left me a shell.

Promptly climbs int the tree. If I started to sweat at you and told you to piss off, would you listen?

I hope not, I really don't mean it. Just a little hurting at the moment.

[anthony]

Cass, before that tree there is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it in detail?

[GR-ass]

A rock. Weathered and moss covered. Large, kind of reddish in color. Solid coloured, not translucent. Warm to touch. Beats in time to my heart.

[anthony]

Cass, tell me what recent problem has entered your life that you feel quite emotional about? This is something that is quite unexpected for you, that most likely happened recently. For another way to look for the problem, is to find what has just dropped into your life at present, as though someone or something put this problem there for you.

[GR-ass]

Luke is it. I keep feeling like he's going to hurt me like the others. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall.
He is so sweet and nice. Surely it can't be real. I keep thinking that it's all just a mask and one day he's going to do what all the others have done.

[anthony]

So your pre-empting a response that you really do not actually know? Your using a negative thinking style, by thinking for him! Reality time... lets work with that. You can pre-empt the worse, or you can relax a little and see where it goes. The reality is that it may work, it may not, but only time together will tell that, not making decisions now based on a future you do not know. Unless you have a crystal ball, and can see the future, you cannot know what will happen, thus that is what you must accept. Any relationship is something that must be taken one day at a time. People get married, they get lazy and comfortable with their partner, and then it all falls down and they wonder why. A relationship is constant daily work, and they must be judged daily, not past or future.

[GR-ass]

thinks it over.

I'm trying to stop myself judging him because it isn't healthy in any relationship.
I keep doubting myself I think. I trust him and yet I doubt the trust I put in him. I'm second guessing every thought, every feeling I have and I'm hating it.

[anthony]

Now Cass, trust is another thing completely different here. Trust MUST be earnt, not expected. You have started a new relationship Cass, why exactly are you suppose to trust him immediately? You don't know him well enough to trust him, so why should you be dishonest with yourself, or him, that you do at this point? This is a negative emotion that causes your pain. Instead of just saying, you must earn my trust Luke, you do not get it the moment we sleep together, instead the moment you have interpreted sex with trust... not a good combination. That is if you have had sex... just a presumption, not fact. I use that as an example only Cass, not necessarily your exact circumstance. The example I raise is because this is the typical model taken, ie. we have sex so we believe we must trust, when in fact the two are very different. Sex is pleasurable, and whilst it comes with giving a certain amount of ourselves which is associated to trust, the other person may not see it this way, and even if they do, they still do not necessarily warrant immediate trust, because trust comes from knowing a person over a period of time, using best judgement of your experience in life to apply whether that person can be trusted. How that person interacts with you, and any feedback gained from his friends or family, vibes even for a word, your feelings you get from others about him. If you speak with others, and feel they are stepping around words carefully, ie. not being open and honest about him, then something is often being kept, so how could trust really be present yet? It can't, nor should it be expected.

The moment someone says marriage, then you could presume a certain level of trust is then present, but even that nowadays can be misinterpreted by many, because the other persons view point is never consulted, just assumed.

[GR-ass]

reads through a couple of times and then blinks.

I should say that I am starting to trust him. I think to me, to have let him in as close as I have emotionally, says that some part of me wants to trust him.
I think because it was a mutual friend that I trust that introduced us, a part of that trust sort of rubbed off.
This isn't to say that I trust everyone my friends do because my friends do. A good example is with another guy that I was introduced to about the same time. He made my skin crawl just being in the same room with him.

Me and Luke just seem to click. We can talk till 3 or 4 am and then go to sleep curled around each other. Yes I've slept with him, but he didn't instigate it.
Without me telling him, without knowing anything about the abuse he wouldn't push me for sex. If I tensed up around him, he would talk me down from the start of a panic attack.

I don't know what it is. He makes me feel both safe and content. He makes some of the bad shit manageable, just by being there to hold me when I cry. I just wish I wasn't so scared of this feeling.

[anthony]

Then that is the optimal feeling for you Cass... safety and security emotionally speaking. Great news...

[GR-ass]

Great news but scary as hell. Manageable scary though. It's like walking a tightrope, that twang of exhilerated fear that hits your gut.

LOL all giddy methinks