Nam's Mental Imagery

[Nam]

WARNING: If you plan on submitting your own mental imagery interview for assessment, DO NOT read the proceeding first, instead fill out your own interview first, then read these, so your current mental image is not skewed, resulting in a possible inaccurate emotional state being returned to you.

This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

Q1. What colour is the road?
Red
Q2. What texture is the road?
smooth, shiny
Q3. How solid is the road?
very solid like painted concrete

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river?
Over a log
Q5. What does the water look like?
very turbulent
Q6. How fast is the water current?
very fast
Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?
no, nothing in the water.

You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house?
White, with brown windows
Q9. What condition is the house in?
it's old but taken care of.
Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who?
yes, not anyone that I know.

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup?
Red
Q12. What condition is the cup in?
very good, and clean
Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what?
cold coffee

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail?
An old gate. It's moldy and wet. It has a lot of water damage.
Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle
a green field with white flowers and trees in bloom.

[Nam]

Now you have had a break, go back to every question and look at your response. Try and find what you feel that your mind presented the image it did. Explain colours you chose, textures, water, cup, solids, liquids, space, objects, people, anything and everything that you wrote from your projected image, try and find what you feel to why you have that image. Don't look hard at things, instead try and look for the easy answers, as they are often the correct one's. Don't attempt to find something that isn't present, just look at each aspect for its absolute simplicity.

This is not an absolute, but something you must do in order to try and self analyse yourself. This is important. Please answer what you can, and simply define if you cannot find an emotion to a response you gave.

1. I think I picked red because it is my favorite color. I do have a fascination with the way blood looks. I don't know why.

2. I picked smooth and shiny probably because of my fascination with blood. I like the way it's almost reflective on the surface.

3. The road is so hard that it hurts to walk on it, but yet, it's solid, and I know my footing.

4. I guess it seems easiest to me. I'm a former gymnast and it wouldn't be a big deal to walk across the river over a log. I forgot to mention that this log was mossy, but I think I watch too many movies and paint too many logs in my murals with moss on it.

5. Water is turbulent like white water. I can hear it roar. I saw this maybe as a challenge?

6. If the water is turbulent, the current is going to be fast.

7. ? Nothing in the water. Don't know why I think that.

8. White probably because my parent's house is white. The brown windows is natural wood. My parent's house didn't have brown windows though. The house I see has stucco or plaster surface.

9. I like houses that have character. I like to see them but I don't like to live in them. It's nice to see an old house being taken care of.

10. I imagined someone nice, and old, but not anyone that I knew or someone that I would meet.

11. Red cup once again, probably from my favorite color red.

12. This cup was one of those metal camping cups speckled with white. It was not rusted or anything. Maybe I thought this because I miss camping?

13. I do miss coffee. I'm down to drinking it once a day instead of two to four cups a day normally.

14. I didn't mention the gate was tall. And I am short. It's one of those privacy fences everyone here in Iowa has to separate their lawn from someone else's. I think it's tall to tell me it's large, but it's condition is bad, meaning I could knock it down. Maybe it's wet because I grew up on the farm and climbed many wooden fences while it was raining out.

15. A green field with white flowers means to me freedom. I think white is pure and trees in bloom means spring for me. A new beginning.

[anthony]

Highly emotional with spirituality towards life and commitment. You feel life is progressing well. You are sexually preoccupied, and approach intimacy with impulsiveness. You are aware of past deception, often with loss of control or under control off others within intimacy. You are in denial of past support and commitment, with which you feel an innocent idealism towards support systems, and have been possibly unappreciated or depreciated by those support that matter most. You are aware your support has not been ideal. You show commitment towards someone or something, other than your spouse, though this commitment is cooling. You feel severely victimized from your past.

[Nam]

Well, I'm definitely highly emotional. Especially lately! It seems I have a reason to cry everyday and about such silly stuff. A sappy song, because I have too much laundry (like always...) Hubs looked at me the wrong way...yeah, you get the idea. Everything in the mental imagery assessment is pretty much right on. I had to think for a while what my commitment was toward someone or something...and I think it's this forum. I have been thinking that I wanted to take on more responsibility to the forum and then I started to second guess myself. Then I decided I needed a break from the forum. Basically I'm unsure. Not about the forum itself but my ability to consistently take responsibility.

Thanks for the assessment Anthony.

[anthony]

Nam, before your old gate, there is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it in detail?

[Nam]

Backtracking is hard Anthony! First I imagined myself only about twenty feet from the gate. It doesn't make any sense, but the first thing I thought of was a rock. There was many other thoughts right after that, but that is the first one. It is a gray rock, smooth. It's jutting into the road from the left side. It's only maybe a foot high. I don't see how I could see this as an obstacle. It should be considered a skipping stone. It would have made a great seat to rest on. It wasn't obstructing my path. I could see myself go around it, still staying on my path.

What was strange was the thoughts right after I dismissed the rock as being the answer. I tried to recreate the situation in my mind. Instead of looking toward the gate, this time I was at the gate and turned around. The rock still there but not my focus I tried to see what was my obstacle. I can see the white house on the hill, so I knew that it was too far. So I looked between there and where I stood. I saw nothing. But I felt fear. Like being trapped. I was then put in the exact spot on the path where this fear took place. I looked back, too afraid to go back. I looked forward and afraid. I felt like I had to stay right where I was. It was like a panic attack with a little bit of paranoia thrown in. The feeling that I was being watched. I'm doubting myself the whole time I was thinking this since I couldn't actually touch my obstacle so tried to think of a new one. I thought of myself in a cage. It was a wooden one. No bottom though. I was still on my path. It was maybe four feet tall, so I had to squat. The wood of the cage was like a mesh, they were not just vertical like bars in jail. Pretty much the same feeling as before, trapped, afraid, paranoid, etc. but now from a wooden cage. I'm not sure if this was valid mental imagery since it came after I dismissed the rock. I also note that this imagery took quite a bit more effort than the original one. Backtracking was difficult.

Let's see if I can explain how I feel about my imagery....I don't know anything about the rock. I don't know why that came up. I was talking with hubs the other night and I asked him what was his obstacle and he said a rock, but his was a huge menacing boulder. This was no boulder. My two year old could have jumped over it.

The fear and trapped feeling as being the obstacle...well, that could be. Maybe the obstacle is myself and the way I think? I'm not sure.

The cage could represent several things for me. First of all, I have said many times that I feel trapped in this slow moving ptsd journey. That I will probably never remember all the memories buried and that I will have short snipits of memory coming through for the rest of my life. Another could be because I felt powerless while in the orphanage and during the first year or so after being adopted. I was the middle child not quite good enough student like my older sister and definitely not the favorite like the younger brother.

Another reason is my recent pregnancy. This will be the first child born after the PTSD diagnosis. I'm already dreading the hospital which is a major trigger for me. I'm afraid that the pain of labor itself will be a trigger for me. I feel powerless to make my own decisions in this hospital and being a VBAC, I have limited possibilities as to what I would prefer to happen at the birth. I've considered having a baby at home with a midwife but it is technically illegal for the midwife to be paid for the services. She can be there, but only as a support. Besides, I'm having trouble even finding one since you have to go "underground" to find one. So, even though I'm very early in this pregnancy, I already feel the clock ticking as to what I can find and what my options are for the birth.

Well, I hope that explains some.

[anthony]

A rock symbolises a recent significant problem within your life Nam, which I think you just found yourself, just knowing of your pregnancy and the fear associated of having to go towards a place that triggers you. You mind doesn't lie Nam, and the first image is the correct image, because that first image is the representation of a problem, a very real problem.

Nam, before that rock, their is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it?

[Nam]

A cat. A tabby that's orange striped. It's skinny and walking from the left to the right. It is full grown and weary of me, but not threatening.

I like cats and wished that I could have one. During my childhood, they were my comfort on the farm. I would fall asleep in the barn with more than a dozen cats sleeping next to me during the colder months. During the spring, I would go on kitten hunting expeditions. I would eventually find the hole in the hay where they were born and count them and relish the fact that only I knew where the mother kept them.

[anthony]

Ok, we are getting somewhere now, as you have found something that is highly emotional (still in the theme of your image), and a desire to return to a childhood moment, a happier moment in your mind.

Nam, before the cat, there is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it?

[Nam]

A tree. A Pin Oak tree. Fairly big and growing right through the middle of the path. It doesn't have any leaves but looks like it's trying to grow some. That's weird because on the farm, we had plenty of Pin Oak trees but they rarely lost ALL of their leaves during the fall. The trunk is large around but small enough that I could get my arms around it. the trunk is large at the bottom but narrows considerably toward the top and many small branches stem from it.

Pin Oak trees is a fun memory for me but bittersweet. I was a climber and would love to climb up the tree by hugging it and moving my bare feet. I would then climb to the nearest branches, and use them as ladder rungs to climb higher. At first it was to get cats down that were chased up there by the dogs. But then I realized how much of a safe haven it was for me. No one could get me up there. Pretty soon, I had my favorite trees that I liked to climb. One of them had three branches that went out from the trunk in a fashion that I could recline among them. The bottom branch was the part I sat on and the arms were the other two branches. I slept up there many times listening to the sound of the leaves. My mother found out about me climbing the trees and claimed that I could ruin the trees growth if I kept climbing them. I actually believed her. I know better now that they would have grown either way.

There were many places that I "hid" on the farm to just be myself and to be accepted as myself. Many of the places that I found became off limits for some reason or another. To lay in the barn with the cats because she said I'd get lice. It wasn't until I was a teenager that I realized that it's not that common for a human to get cat lice. Same thing with the trees. Somehow I'd ruin the tree. I searched for places that I felt that I belonged. On the farm it was cats, trees, and cows.

[anthony]

Nam, you feel a person within your life is towering over you, controlling you as such, through power or position. Who is that person Nam, who is very much alive, that you feel controlled by, towered over?

[Nam]

There was not one answer that came right out. I had to really think about this. I read your response over and over and I realize now that I have a conflict from how I feel to what is actually happening. I think the person could be my hubs, Ben. I think that maybe I feel like I'm being controlled by him, but he's not a controlling person. It's by happen chance. He makes almost 100% of income. He takes jobs as he pleases. I have to ask even for little expenses, less than twenty dollars, if I can buy and which card to put it on. It severely limits me on what I think I should be allowed to spend.

In the past, a year ago, he moved me and the family to LA against my will. I really didn't want to go, but he insisted that life would be better for all of us. He now realizes he was pretty much only thinking of himself and his motives without taking in account the sacrifices the rest of the family had to make for his preferences. That was the past and it's not happening now, so I don't understand how it's come up now.

He is in the process of looking for another job but he's looking into telecommuting instead of actually moving, so I don't see how this affects me now as a towering, controlling person.

The other person I thought of was my mother, but she is not controlling in my life. She is controlling when I enter her turf, but it is her house. "You're under my roof, you obey my rules." Those rules are not out of line however. They are general rules that have been in the family as long as I remember. Don't talk about anything too serious or sad. Don't make anyone upset. Don't rock the boat. Mind your manners. But in my own house, I am myself.

My new midwife is going to be a problem since she is under so many rules with policy of VBAC's that her hands are tied, and so are mine. I feel as if I don't have many choices. I live in a small enough community that I only have three groups to choose from and all are very progressive in interventions during labor and all of them frown upon birthing at home (none of them allow it). If I'm in my own house, I have control of the labor. If I'm in the hospital, I'm under the rules of the hospital and their lawyers and become a litigation risk. My right to birth how I want to is very much in the fore front of my mind and I wonder if that is my "tree".

So, basically, I'm clueless as to what that person is. I even thought maybe it's me. All of my own thinking of who I should be and what I should become is controlling how I feel about myself. This is total self esteem issue that I have. I still feel that if I'm not back to what I was originally doing before PTSD, that I'm still short. Still not perfect, still not right, not up to par, etc. The word failure comes to mind, but I know that I'm not a failure, but it feels the same none of the less. I guess I'm not satisfied at what my accomplishments have been so far. It's no one's fault but my own.

[anthony]

Nam, I think your first response was closer to the problem that is sitting on your mind, and it is sitting there, because otherwise you would not have chosen the image you did. There are endless possibilites for our mind to provide images, but our mind provides those images that reside within it the most, the image that often comes to mind immediately is the more important image. The tree is not you Nam, it is another person that you see as very controlling in your life, and it is one of your issues, because you obviously think about it quite often, and it causes you some pain for it to be present at all.

Nam, before that tree there is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it?

[Nam]

A little boy. He's playing on the path. For some reason I see him very far away, so far away that I can't see his face. He has blond hair, about seven years old, and wearing blue denim overalls and a loose white t-shirt underneath. He has his pant legs rolled up into cuffs as if he just waded a creek. He's barefoot. He's a happy little boy. I feel kind of jealous of him for being so carefree, but at the same time, I'm happy because he is.

I don't have a clue as to who this boy is. I don't know why he's there.

[anthony]

Nam, you feel jealous because this little boy is quite carefree and happy, and signify mixed feelings with a secret regarding who this is, whether yourself or someone else.

[Nam]

It's no secret that I'm envious of my own children. I make sure that they have many things to be happy about during the course of the day. I make sure that they have choices and can make decisions. I make sure that either I or Hubs is available to the girls at all times. Their life is really good. All things I didn't have growing up. Before age five, I was responsible for my younger brother, we were constantly hungry, and I was afraid when the next beating would be. It was also where most of my trauma was inflicted. After age five, I became an orphan, separated from my brother, and adamant that I stay with my sister. We were then adopted into a family that said no I love you's. That expected children to work hard. To be seen but not heard. The 'ol buck it up attitude when I was down. There were no hugs, and definitely no kisses. There were barely any "how was your day" conversations. All things that I so desperately needed. I did not get a motherly hug until I was in college and it was a hug from my soon to be mother in law. I cried on her shoulder.

There are times when I take care of my girls that I get exasperated by the way they act. They can be such spoiled brats at times. They think that they are entitled to do what they wish. At times like these, I am jealous. They are children that are loved and well cared for and can express their feelings freely and are listened to. Makes my heart ache.

[Nam]

Some time has passed and I would like to try this again:

Q1. What colour is the road?
brown

Q2. What texture is the road?
It is sandy. Very much like sand box sand here. Sand mixed with dirt.

Q3. How solid is the road?
Not very solid at all. I'm walking on this road barefoot since it's so sandy.

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river?
I walk aross.

Q5. What does the water look like?
It is clear like a lake. I can see the bottom which is also sandy brown with pebbles in it.

Q6. How fast is the water current?
quite slow. It has only enough current to move the water with no bubbles or noise.

Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?
It is very clear with only a few rocks and pebbles on the bottom that I can see clearly.

You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house?
Brown and white, kind of tudor style.

Q9. What condition is the house in?
It looks old but it is in excellent condition.

Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who?
Yes. No one that I know but I gather this person is a nice stranger.


We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup?
It is clear.

Q12. What condition is the cup in?
It is laying tilted on it's side. It's a tumbler glass that is made of clear plastic but has gotten cloudy with exposure to the elements. It's streaked with white. The cup is intact, but I certainly wouldn't drink out of it.

Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what?
Nothing in it except the white stuff coated in the inside. It's similar to hard water stains/mineral deposits.

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail?
It's a wooden box. A box that's only about knee high and about two feet across. The wood is arranged in slats along the sides with a solid bottom. It's turned upside down. I cannot see between the slats.

Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle?
Some very nice tress. Very tall ever green trees. I can smell the evergreen from where I'm standing before the box.

[Nam]

Now you have had a break, go back to every question and look at your response. Try and find what you feel that your mind presented the image it did. Explain colours you chose, textures, water, cup, solids, liquids, space, objects, people, anything and everything that you wrote from your projected image, try and find what you feel to why you have that image. Don't look hard at things, instead try and look for the easy answers, as they are often the correct one's. Don't attempt to find something that isn't present, just look at each aspect for its absolute simplicity.

This is not an absolute, but something you must do in order to try and self analyse yourself. This is important. Please answer what you can, and simply define if you cannot find an emotion to a response you gave.

1. Brown is a safe road color. I was surprised last time that it came out red, but this time it's a nice comforting brown color. It's soothing and very natural.

2. I love sand and how it feels between my toes. I have many memories as a child playing in the sand box for hours. Dirt to me is also very comforting. I love the way it smells, especially in combination with green plants.

3. This road isn't solid at all. It's weird that around the road is a harder surface of green grass, but my road is like the beach. I had to work hard to walk through it when it would have been easier to just go over to the grass and walk. I'm not sure why I chose sand but it is not all threatening. In fact, it's comforting.

4. The river was a nice break from the sandy path. I washed the sand from my feet and felt the cool water around my ankles. It's not deep at all, in fact it's more like a creek. There was creek that I loved very much as a child at one of my dad's pastures that he kept cattle. It had a lot of sediment on the bottom but the water was very clear. This is also very comforting and non threatening.

5. The water is very clear. I can see to the bottom. In fact, there's no reflection in the water at all. I can't see myself or the sky...just the pebbles and rocks at the bottom. The pebbles are round and it feels good to walk through.

6. The current is what I would have chosen for a river. It's so slow it just barely creeps along. This is also like my childhood creek.

7. Very round rocks at the bottom. Also, very comforting as it massages my feet.

8. The style of house is a typical "home" for me. It has steep roof and a tall chimney. The type of house I admire but would never live in.

9. The house is in an old style but it's in great condition. It's like someone kept the house appropriately in the correct style for the period but made it look new. I love redone houses like this.

10. I think I don't know this person because I don't know of anyone that would live in a house like that. Most of my friends and family are either very modern or very practical. Although I don't know this person, I feel as if I would like this person because of the way she keeps great care in her house and has respect for old things.

11. I have a lot of tumblers like this in my home.

12. the cup is a modern cup left out and forgotten. I'm not sure why I chose this condition.

13. I have a shower door that looks very much like the inside of the cup! LOL! Maybe that's why? I need to clean my shower!

14. I'm not sure about the box. I've never seen such a box. The slats are going up and down. I've seen slats go from side to side, but not from the top to the bottom. I don't know what could be in it, but I feel as if it's an unknown not wanting to be known. It's best to leave upside down.

15. I love forests that have many old trees. I like the smell of them especially after a summer rain.

[anthony]

Nam, I can see your having a lot of difficulty at present due to feeling unappreciated in life. Trusting, though you depreciated from sexual intimacy, and aware of these problems for the most part. I would say your feeling a little naive about feeling unappreciated through your poor support systems, past or present, hence the low self esteem present. Nam, would it be fair to say that you feel a little knocked over surrounding commitment within your life? Would it also be fair to say Nam, that your feeling quite trapped at present within your life?