Hope's Mental Imagery

[goingonhope]

WARNING: If you plan on submitting your own mental imagery interview for assessment, DO NOT read the proceeding first, instead fill out your own interview first, then read these, so your current mental image is not skewed, resulting in a possible inaccurate emotional state being returned to you.


This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing what is far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

Q1. What color is the road? I left the grey road and began my walk upon the sandy brown in color road.
Q2. What texture is the road? I walked from the badly damaged, along the edges, grey, cement road to a dirt road in which I trudge along as it is often quite difficult to walk; The rocks and ledge are partially buried within and protruding causing me to often trip and stumble.
Q3. How solid is the road? The road I’m now walking is solid as a rock, but again rocks of different sizes generously scattered about and most deeply embedded in the ground.

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river? Gently dive beneath water, come up for air quickly and than swim across. This is where and when I feel alive and can hear the long familiar sounds of wildlife. Can spot a star or two in the sky and feel the cool refreshing water, especially enjoyed upon my face and hair. I feel exhilarated, yet somewhat anxious from the anticipation of my exhaustion right ahead of me.
Q5. What does the water look like? Midnight blue in some areas from the reflection of the moon and rather dark almost black in other areas of the clean and very refreshing water; It’s harmless and warm, but unless I'm immersed in the moment I feel most frightened, even terrorfied, at times.
Q6. How fast is the water current? Not to fast, not to slow, just right and steady.
Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? No! With the exception of schools of little fishy’s deep down below swimming about. Well yes, perhaps there are other water dwellers, but I don’t know what they are, or where they are, or what they might be doing, as their not anywhere’s near me to the best of my knowledge.

You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house? Red brick with black iron railing fencing surrounding the entire property and two gates, one for the entrance to the front yard and one exiting the large back yard. The landscape is dressed up and designed very carefully and well done with attractive bushes, plants and a tree or two in the yard and tall, fun evergreens bordering the fronts foundation and separating the front yard, from the sides and the back yard.
Q9. What condition is the house in? Outside: attractive and immaculate & inside: homey, antiquely artistic, cozy & comfortable, welcoming, well maintained and impressive.
Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? Yes, but who I don’t know as the house is for the time being empty and I imagine perhaps an older woman, her husband and their child live in it, but are away on vacation. Or perhaps, something bad has happened to them.

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup? Copper, a chalice
Q12. What condition is the cup in? Good, but weathered (tarnished)
Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? A single, large drop of red wine

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail? If I must come to an obstacle, then it’s certain to be the enormous, tall, smooth, round boulder blocking the entire dirt road; A daunting obstruction. Thought the boulder itself is clean, everything surrounding it is dank in appearance and sensation. I'm chilly and the obstacle size most shocking. There is no place whatsoever to grab hold of or place my foot upon to climb over. Alone I cannot pass, unless I enter into the edge of the dark woods or threatening marsh on my left and right and then search diligently for the way around.
Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? I see nothing beyond the obstacle as I cannot see up and above. I do however imagine that there is miles more of continuing dark road to travel alone, before I can even hope to consider the possibility of the road ever ending and arriving anywhere.

[goingonhope]

Now you have had a break, go back to every question and look at your response. Try and find what you feel that your mind presented the image it did. Explain colours you chose, textures, water, cup, solids, liquids, space, objects, people, anything and everything that you wrote from your projected image, try and find what you feel to why you have that image. Don't look hard at things, instead try and look for the easy answers, as they are often the correct one's. Don't attempt to find something that isn't present, just look at each aspect for its absolute simplicity.

This is not an absolute, but something you must do in order to try and self analyse yourself. This is important. Please answer what you can, and simply define if you cannot find an emotion to a response you gave.


• The grey, cement road from which I left was suggestive of a long dead end road which left the outside world behind and entered a small quiet neighborhood of 3 to 4 homes. Here is how and among those, I've lived with for sometime now. These families and their homes, lay just outside the start of a dark, midnight journey. I think I saw it significant that I was there, among the hope of possible interaction with at least a few other people, until I willfully chose to step forth, journey and temporarily walk alone upon this road which goes along in the nearly pitch black darkness. There are woods and marsh on either side of much of my dirt road. I think I chose to travel it alone, because this is how it has always been. No one else is or has ever been interested, determined, brave and/or crazy enough to invite within them any personal discomfort, predicament or challenge. I often feel as if most everyone I’ve known is rigid, out of touch with reality, emotionally numb and irrational, some very close too if not already spiritually dead inside; a highly addictive society by nature. And, I chose to travel it alone because I don’t really trust, believing and forever fearing that anyone coming along with me would in an instant turn on me and attack, for kicks, pleasure, excitement, to feel, power, ect.

The firmly packed, dirt road with protruding rock I think might be others resistance of me reclaiming myself and taking hold of self-esteem and personal power. As well as, my many tasks and responsibilities and the building stress.

The description of a badly, damaged cement road is reflective of the true condition of my relationships and my feelings toward and with the few people in my life, as they are based upon my well crafted pretense and façade.

Perhaps the reason I state that the road I’m now journeying along is solid as a rock is because it is based upon reality and not pretense, ie. recognition of personal trauma, honesty and safe disclosure.

*Anthony, don't know if this is much of a start on a self-analysis. Am I on the right track, wrong track, no track?lol Am I doing this somewhat right?

[goingonhope]

• I think I chose to dive beneath the water because there’s not much, if anything, that I won’t dive head first into if it provides hope of renewal and/or healing. And, then of course, I must come up for air as the experience in itself can be over stimulating, almost like a shock to my system as I have not yet grown accustomed to familiarity and acceptance of self, the belief that I am worthy and trust in life‘s goodness. I have been self-sabotaging, martyring, rejecting and stamping-out self, more often than not throughout my life.-(shame), (believing my abusers lies as if these are my own).

Swimming across, well that is simply what I do. I’m a survivor and I’ll make it to the other side; I swim under any and all conditions. I don’t drown / give-up, and I won't if I can see even the slightest bit of hope that another side exists. And, even when I cannot, I may suffer much, but I’m going to survive for a long time just out of sheer instinct, principle and God given strength.

The midnight blue water I find very refreshing and sustaining. The area of water which is dark from a lack of lighting and almost black, is warmer, stiller and can be very frightening as danger lurks and anything might happen, at any moment from outside my control and I’ll be under attack and far less likely to survive. Now in fact, I can also envision these dark waters as harmless as there is no real abusers, in my life, violating me at the present and have not been for sometime. I still always anxiously await their sudden, cruel and vicsious surprise return. Much along the lines of what my step-dad use to say often to me, “When you least expect it, expect it!” ….then boom!

Schools of little fishy’s represent to me cluster of people and their conforming and pacifying one another, perhaps even bullshitting simply to go along, to get along. They mind their own business and are not a threat to me. The possibility and/or likelihood of other water dwellers individually existing and hidden from site, reflect to me that mix of people who may make sudden appearances at any time and scare the life out of you, but not harm you otherwise and those (jekyll's & hydes) or (threatening creatures) which are quite capable and surfacing and tearing me and others to shreds without a seconds thought. The anxiety in all this for me is who’s hiding where and when? Will they surface or not? And, will they attack or not?

Why I responded as I did on the speed of the current, I haven’t a clue.

[goingonhope]

• Perhaps I saw brick, fencing surrounding the entire property and tall evergreens, because of my desperate unsatisfied need and craving for safety and security much of my entire life. This front, above others, is more likely to keep others out, unless invited in, and me safe to live my life from within. Then if there is any possibilities of sharing love and values with other family members it won’t be influenced and disrupted by the onslaught of others and subject to the outside world with all its many forms of predators.

The very carefully designed landscape may reflect an image and pretense I present to the outside world that I can handle things, I can manage and that I’m alright and doing well, when in fact I search for my lost spirit and feel much emptiness inside. I like to be in control of what others will see and won't see in me, depending upon my level of trust. Presenting myself, perhaps in disguise, in my efforts to control others perception of me. Slipping into spells of seeking a negative reflection of me, with the subconscious goal of eliminating people from my life. Also, choosing to present that all is well, while in reality not, and even while self-destructing and in quiet desperation taunted emot. and ment. from within.

The house is presently empty, and while I entertain the notion that all is well and the family will return, I seriously doubt this reality. Perhaps, presently reflective of much insecurity.

The condition of the inside of the house as well as me envisioning the memory of a woman, working within the kitchen and providing much love and nurturing to her family.

[something I saw within my mental imagery, but neglected to mention as in fact the house was presently empty, but I could still see almost a ghostly image of her (a memory) and the family that once was];

This all speaks to me that if I follow through with the completion of my healing, the lights will come back on, heat and warmth will permeate the home, and family activity, sharing and life can begin again. And, there will be many surprises in store. Many of which will emanate from within the strength and heart of that woman and will be shared. I suspect that my image of the memory of this woman who once was at home, but is presently gone is suppose to be symbolic of me. However, I have no clue or reason to believe that she and her family will ever return. I can only blindly continue to hope, when able, for now.

[goingonhope]

• This field, as I approached it was daylight. The copper chalice with a single drop of red wine in symbolic of life to me. The field, symbolic of life and hope. The cup itself and it’s condition is symbolic of my life. I think perhaps there is much hope in my life for finding and reclaiming me and my life and therefore family life and joy. Because in the mental imagery process I picked up that chalice, I drank that single drop, and I carried away with me that chalice. As I stood in front of the overwhelming boulder that lay as an obstacle in my path, I had that chalice still in hand.

[goingonhope]

• As far as my response to the suggestion of an obstacle in my path, I think that I could feel unnerved, aggravated and even angry at the suggestion of an obstacle upon this journey, if this was anything more than a mental imagery process; Like life itself. Much of my present day anger is fueled by the seemingly insurmountable obstacles in my life, and I most often believe that they are put there because of other people unnecessarily creating them and having placed and continuing to place them before me.

Yet, having introduced an obstacle into this imagery I see a massive boulder, so smooth and without nitches of any sort to provide help, rather making it appear impossible, to climb over and get passed. This to me is symbolic of the insidiousness and depth of the pscyh. abuse I am traumatized with.

I also said that, surrounding the enormous boulder, it was dank in appearance and sensation. This to me reflects general resistance (both from within and without) and the relentlessness of all the negative forces which reinforce the obstacle, increasing the psychol. impact, ie. feelings of deep depression, hopelessness & helplessness, despair.

Perhaps, I see nothing beyond this obstacle because of my stuck and lodged, intense emotional fears of complete and utter abandonment, the impact of trauma upon me, and my most negative and sickening feelings of emptiness and fear of impotence and lifelessness which lie deeply buried within me, and in fact details the very way I felt, at under 5 yrs. old, and while be traumatized by my father. One particular trauma which comes to mind is my two sisters and I locked in between two doors next to our basement ball-ked. I had sat there in a tunnel of dirt, curled up in the fetal position and literally petrified stiff, while one sister fought off my fathers violent, sometimes cunning attempts to get beyond those doors, beat us to death, slice us and kill us.

[anthony]

You feel a sense of confusion within life, likely due to feeling unappreciated, depreciated even. You feel life is difficult right now, and you’re very aware of this difficulty. You feel as though you progress forward regardless, though your being held back by a present secret you keep, possibly due to the feeling off being controlled by another. Your trusting and enjoy intimate relationships, though you maintain a secret here that you are very aware. You would like to think you don’t approach intimacy with haste, yet you are very impulsive to get involved. You feel highly emotional from the sadness that surrounds your support systems in life. You show good support systems are currently present, though you demonstrate a low self esteem. You place a high value on commitment and can often be more concerned about materialistic values. You feel your commitment is healthy, though you have commitment towards someone, or something, else other than your partner (if spouse present), something alcoholic, which could simply define someone or something more fun. You are faced with a significant unexpected problem or situation at present, which you see no future to look forward as a result of this problem / situation.

Hope, how does this stack up against what is going on within your mind?

[goingonhope]

You feel a sense of confusion within life, likely due to feeling unappreciated, depreciated even.

...though your being held back by a present secret you keep, possibly due to the feeling off being controlled by another.
Jan. 20th, was my first day back from the my retreat. I found this mental imagery analysis early that evening. I was stunned and impressed with the result, read it many times over and that evening was able to make connections between statements you posted anthony and what's what in my life. I allowed my husb. to read the results as well, he did so with much interest and attention.

Even all these days later, I particularly remember that night bc it was highly unusual. In addition to something new to me, the analysis of my emot. state, I also allowed myself to listen to an audio record. of my hurt, anguish and rage that filled my emot. release work just the day prior. I was still somewhat stunned by the intensity of the retreat and when I had attempted to go to an AA meeting, I was curled up forward, feeling ill and exhausted and shaking badly enough I didn't stay.

Also that evening my husb. abruptly acted in a fit of anger toward me, for no good reason. I had asked him if I could rest my head upon his lap while lying across the couch and though he allowed this, he was no longer the least bit present and was agitated by my interruption of just another one of his required space-out times - TV. I layed there hurting and hoping he'd reach out in any way whatsover and be the least bit loving. Nothing! As if I wasn't even there. I became very conscious, of the connections I had mentally made from this analysis and they were penatrating every brain cell. Still Nothing, even though it was obvious I was very sad and hurting, he did not respond or acknowledge me at all, and this time I just couldn't deny anything anymore. I sat up, bent-over, curled up, cried and accidentally blurted out as if he were speaking. Some of my words, I recall: "Stay, away from me T, don't ever come near me, don't ever touch me. I don't want you near me. Don't bother me T" ...and other very revealing ideas became evident as I lost control in much grief. And, all which resulted in him seeing very clearly how hurt I was feeling from his yrs. of emot. and phys. shut-down from me.

This initially made him very, very angry and he jumped up, screamed at me and told me to fk' myself, and screamed some more. Now the interesting part of this is that I would normally react with anger and I didn't, I very naturally responded with vulnerability, sadness and hurt, and he wasn't prepared for this. He cont. screaming meanly at me and saw I wasn't angry, just hurt and wounded. Then, I saw him, and he now suddenly seemed completely off balance, having not received the response he expected.

My point in telling this is that night afterwards we ended up talking a great deal. I was able to be honest, open, even reveal secret feelings, even a secret between him and I that I never had before. And, one of these secrets directly related to me feeling rejected and betrayed, shut-off and shut down from my sexual self and controlled. My God, I'm 39 yrs. old! And, this has been going on for too long, now.

Anyhow, husb. gave me much needed attention, comforted me with hugs and later took the initiave to invite me to make love with him. Now this Never, Ever, Never, Ever happens, anymore........Listening without being annoyed, agitated and angry with me, hugs, intimacy, initiative, love-making. Wow!

Now though the frightening and hurtful scene in our livingroom preceded the good that followed and it may seem very unadvisable to accept so soon, and forgive his lack of understanding, and to trust him, I did. And, I'm glad, bc now for the last nearly 3 wks. we have both felt close again and have been more attentive to and respectful of one another. He's been very much more rational, reasonable and thoughtful of me and is once again sexually open (not shut-down / closed off) in our relationship. We are again enjoying one another's company, more sensitive of each others feelings and hopeful in our marriage and life together.

So yes, absolutely I did feel very unappreciated and depreciated and for sometime now. I need to be more vulnerable and more honest with him about what I'm really hurt or upset about and not be angry with him. Reminds me of the iceburg of emotions. If I'm hurt thats what I should feel, hurt....not instant anger....so on and so forth. And, I certainly hope he'll continue to and will be able and willing to be vulnerable and loving with me too, and eventually learn about misplaced anger.

And as far as my confusion and deep hurt of feelings of being unappreciated and depreciated it likely goes further.

[goingonhope]

Hope, how does this stack up against what is going on within your mind?
Certainly stacks up, anthony. Very accurate so far as I can see and has been quite helpful. Well done, and thanks.

Hope

[goingonhope]

You would like to think you don’t approach intimacy with haste, yet you are very impulsive to get involved.
This here, I don't quite necessarily relate with in my present. Perhaps true in examples from my past, but certainly not presently.

Unless this intimacy referred to also includes, the longing for mutual friendship, with understanding, confidence, trust and closeness that I would hope to find in a friendship, well then the above is unclear.

As I am not impulsive to get involved intimately & sexually with anyone. Memories and thoughts of past exhilarating sexual experiences are sometimes there, (in my mind) but I personally try not to be to hard on myself for that. Only very, seldom would I fantasize about intim./sexually and hastily getting involved with a real person from the present, but would never dream of outwardly acting upon this. Some married people may understand this.

Guilty of fantasies yes., not that I personally believe there should be any guilt associated with this, as it's so natural. Well at least it is for me. I'm always in need of a good confession and presently struggling to get back to the church. Why? For no other reason than that's where I believe I belong.

I'm asking myself, why am I talking about sex? Well, I like it alot! And, for a little while there I feared I must have gotten more than my fair share when I was younger, (though this isn't true), and feared, now fate would have it, no more for me. And though I considered, I must have been a bad girl, I believed myself miserably cheated bc shortly after a rape, at 19 yrs. old., the intimacy and good sex nearly all came to an end and was replaced with something I'm yet to understand. Much of which I truly believed myself helpless and restrained from choose in the matter and felt threatened and horribly imposed upon.

Back on the subject of intimacy and the present. Husb. and I are always struggling to create time for and with one another, and sometimes finding it. We do Love one another, and so there is much hope, and as far as intimacy it's something that comes most natural at times and then sometimes takes effort and even a struggle.

As life has to be one of the most complicated things to live at times. What with all life's complications and the issues of human beings. And with some human beings, more issues than others.

[anthony]

What it refers too hope, is that your struggling at your sub-conscious with what you have done in this area within your past, hence why it is present. Your sub-conscious is not necessarily about any particular time, but more about what is bothering you now. Its merely up to you in order to match up when these particular events occured within your life. You did this, being your past.

[goingonhope]

......struggling at your sub-conscious with what you have done in this area within your past, hence why it is present.
Thank you anthony, I understand now.

[goingonhope]

A little present-time, self-eval. and analysis, confession so to speak, so as to help me later see any personal progress and healing if and when I ever make any…………….

I’ll be 40 this mo. Likely half my life is already gone by. I have a husb., kids, family and home. I’m very, very ill. Still feeling lost and afraid much of the time. I’ve been on disability for yrs. now. The kids are growing and absorbing much every day from educ. to family values. Husb. and children are taking respons. and practicing and learning our faith. I am being irresponsible, resistant and afraid, and filled with my many “justifiable” excuses as to why I shouldn’t and can’t be attending church now. A part of me longs to return. I am afraid. Procrastinating.

The last 3 yrs., I’ve spent in much avoidance behav. as a means of coping and surviving. Ie. materialism, automatic pilot, labor and non-stop work at the expense of living, cigg. addict., occas. addic. elect. game play, fantasy, space, emot. withdrawal and isolation, frustration, anger, blame, and justification.

I’m very unhappy with myself most of the time. Any and all of my efforts, which in reality there has been many, generally have resulted in self-defeat and a dead-end. I can’t escape my past, nor my PTSD. My internal map of what life should be remains based upon fantasy and follows along the lines of TV series‘, “Leave it to Beaver’ and ’Brady Bunch’ and it’s family structure and value system.

I hold far too many fears and resentments, and feel totally emotionally, ill-equipped to live this life without dependency and /or addiction; I've felt almost forced to be completely self-reliant in my own thinking, while trusting no one I know, and their knowledge and/or perhaps advice, and yet at the same time distrusting and de-valuing my own. Self-reliant with what was left of my emotions, numb and numbing and had been progressively getting worse. Trusting no one, with the real deal. Struggling with my faith, lack of hope and belief in almighty God, and all of humanity, with the exclusion to little children. And yet was also fully aware that little children, don't stay little. They grow-up having been rightly or unrightly cared for and influenced.

Growing-up I've seen as inevitably hopeless. My thinking being: whether or not we succeed in doing a good job of raising our children, someone is waiting, just waiting there to take or do what they want and deeply harm them. So another words, as time has passed, I've greatly struggled, often losing to terribly deep feelings of lonliness and hopelessness, and with my confindence in it all lost and that of humanity; Always questioning whether there is any good left in humanity and life, or if it's all just a childish dream or an illusion.

My body is too often uncomfortable with physical symptoms from these anxieties, my PTSD and from the struggle and failure to live up to my values and expectations of self. I have aged far more rapidly than if I would’ve had I not had PTSD. Though presently symptom free from a chronic, skin condition which re-occurrs and I've had to live with for many yrs., I have found that my PTSD has caused many other physiological changes to my central nervous and auto-immune system, besides just my brain.

My untreated PTSD is now forceful and demanding I look at its reality, my condition and life. In doing this I often feel, naseaus and terrified-’scared to death’.

My intern. ’judge’ is presently re-doubling it's efforts at shaming me constantly for one thing after the other, ........................ie.: Shame for the last few mo. of what feels like self-absorption resulting from my remaining need to face my trauma, (which for me is my entire past), and the reality of my condition.

And, shame on me for my attempt at brutal, honesty in doing this.

Shame on me for still reflecting and addressing my past, rather late in life, after already having a family and them rightfully needing me.

Shame on me for having this condition and burdening others and making life difficult.

And, I feel ashamed for having what I judge as serious personality flaws and defects in thinking. And for making mistakes.

And, for that part of my past that I fk’d up royally, which feels still to this day sometimes as if it has stained and marked me, never mind having been raped.

I feel ashamed of me and my condition. And afraid, still so afraid of far too much, and paralyzed with fears far too often. And though I’ve long since learned to challenge these fears, when I’m present and not dissociated, as often as possible, it has yet to entirely fix my condition, restore well-being within my own body and skin and return Hope.

If anyone else is judging me now, please first know that though I’m already busily judging myself and unhappy with what I see, I’m also aware that not too many would’ve or could’ve made it this far with all the odd’s that were against me from day one and with so little to start. Just my insecurity rearing it’s old ugly head.

Also, it would be far easy for me to post this to my private diary, and spare myself further discomfort and anxieties, but my thinking these days on why I don’t hide it all away in this diary is bc, I highly value sharing and want anything at all of use to be put to use. Years of suffering with untreated PTSD has not once yet materialized into anything of any use for my benefit, or for that I've my still new family, IMHO, and as far as I can see.

So if reading and identifying with even one thing (thinking, or feeling or having done or doing, …whatever) may help someone than it's worth doing despite the cost to my comfort……and why? Because, I’ll never ever forget that behind much of the yrs. of abuse and neglect I endured and watched loved ones endure, I could always most painfully see a handful of principles and values which were most dominant and ugly to me, directly behind it all. Some of these being fear, selfishness and the misuse and abuse of power, even hatred. And, ah’ if I only achieve in life an ability to live-up to, the contradictions to these four things, and to live up to them extrad. Well, then I believe I will have found much success in life. Have I achieved this yet? Why, hell NO! Have I made a hell’a’va lot of progress over much time? Yeah! Do I welcome this PTSD to remain, to kick’ my butt and that of others? Absolutely not!

I wouldn’t wish this condition on my worst enemy. Frustrated and fed up with it all and still accepting and coming to terms with the nature of PTSD, what it actually is and does and has done, and forget my suppositions.

This new honestly in itself can help carry me a good distance, bc quite frankly, how can I hope to learn anything, if I already know it all’. A rather unappealing and faulty way of thinking, but non-the-less a pattern that from time to time returns, to bust my a’s, defeat me, agitate, and sometimes infuriate others.

What do you think Anthony, is my honestly with myself, and sharing it a mistake, a fault, or handicap? I don’t think I can trust myself or determine this alone, because how am I suppose to know, I’ve been guessing my whole life.

[goingonhope]

All I can say, is that I just re-read most of my last post and gee' whiz' do I ever get down and hard on myself. Have taking care of myself today and have even gone now 3 full days w/o cigg., I've come back up from a low I was experiencing (a rather exhausted and depressive state of mind) prior to this afternoon. This afternoon and this evening were exceptional......freedoms' and a sense of self-esteem and even life force energy........sad to think of what that cigg. addiction is/was doing to me, I'm not in the clear yet, nor may I ever be, entirely in the clear, as I'll need to always no the addiction could sneak up on me again. That's once it's gone of course, presuming it stays gone this time. 3 days, huge for me. Tonight I have hope.

As for what I posted, even though it's all true, bc it is, it seems somewhat exaggerated, in relation to my perception of me implying failure, bc truth is I've suffered most of my life with a distorted self-image and perception. Many others always have told and tell me that I look or I'm doing, or have done really good, or complimented me on much progress or skill, ect. and I just generally have been incapable of seeing what others have seen. In the long distant past, when I had a great deal of self-hatred, I even set out to make them wrong and what I believed about me right.

[anthony]

Its expected if that is the case hope, as nicotine is addictive, and anything addictive that your body withdraws will force your body into turmoil. I will expect it soon myself, as I am now getting back into my exercise at a high rate, getting my fitness back to peek again, then giving up the smokes to no longer require them as a source to help me maintain myself any longer. That is the last thing I have to rid from my life that is unhealthy and unproductive in order to cope. Well done.

[goingonhope]

You feel highly emotional from the sadness that surrounds your support systems in life. You show good support systems are currently present, though you demonstrate a low self esteem.
I asked my husb. what EXACTLY is a support system and he says, it's the people who help you. Well, there is not a lot of close people in our life. My Aunt, F-I-L, and S-MIL, they can be very supportive just in the knowledge that they love us, each and every one of us in my family.

My husb.'s aunt (my God mother) most especially, she's very kind, gentle, loving and always thoughtful of us. She lives across the street from us and we have her over for dinner every week sometimes twice. She always tries to be loving to our kids. This is the way to my heart, ie. through lovingness and thoughtfulness of our children; she's very supportive this way.

Also, I have in the past told her I have PTSD, and recently felt comfortable enough to briefly make mention of some of the abuse. Also, we tend to open up and I've actively listened while she's discussed much about the family and her distress with me, and feels comfortable doing so. Any sadness I feel surrounding her has to do with my inability to be honest with her sometimes. I would never want to hurt her feelings. So some things go unsaid, and this may tend to build a block, or somewhat of a pretense surrounding some things and our relationship suffers as a whole.

FIL and S-MIL, are very religious people, communion every day and are always praying for us. Same thing with them. Some things my husb. and I would like to say, but simply don't want to hurt there feelings. An example is: Why when you call must you dominate the convers.?, and Why must it be so difficult to interrupt to end the convers. when need be? It comes down to we don't want to hurt there feelings, I guess we're afraid.

MIL has been supportive while we lived with her, but it was always at a heavy emot. price. She's available, to help out or converse with us, but not so to her grandchildren, not emot. anyhow. Has always bothered me. She seldom if ever visits, and I still hold a grudge that when our kids were just babies and went to visit their grammy she'd place chairs in front of the TV and turn it on and ignore them. I have difficulty trusting her motives or what she's capable of. Also, she tends to drop the family drama upon us, and it feels like an all too familiar effort to push our buttons' -get us upset.

Husb. and I are acquainted with a bunch of people. Our church speaks highly of my husb. singing talents and highly of our children.

I have perhaps one male friend, who I would probably talk to a bit if need be. I've avoided friendships with women, bc quite honestly I'm very scared of them. This all came to be sometime following a family group initiative, in which my sister beat me half to death and then later bragged about it to her friends. And, there stood my mother encouraging it all and only other sister witnessing it and doing absol. nothing. And the message afterwards was pretty much, "We straightened her a's (mine) out, didn't we." My husb. doesn't have any friends only acquaintances from work, ect.

I suppose I have had others offer to lend an ear, or help if they could, but I don't ask them for anything, bc I don't even believe they're sincere. Kinda' figure it's just polite for them to offer. So I've pushed away people and blocked most all suggestions for support. It just comes most natural for me not to believe that what others say, they really mean.

Suppose some people within AA could be considered part of a support system, but really I'm just barely now re-learning how to let anyone in, or ask for help, accept help when it's offered, or be honest about any real need for support; As I've failed so terribly in the my past in choosing trustworthy people. As I've said, I've stayed chiefly away from women as I'm afraid of them, and the men, most just want to help you into bed. I do now have a female sponsor whom I'll call once every 6-8 wks, but I keep getting hit with this fear that she's going to get jealous of any achievement on my part and end it all right there or worse, say something awful.

Often, as of late, whoever who has been sincere, and may have made themselves supportive to me or our family, I've distrusted or grew afraid of, rejecting them, but not seeing it for that at the time. I tend to foul much up through my dishonesty, symptoms of PTSD, behaviors like role-reversal and/or displaying my strengths, at the exclusion of my weaknesses, in such a way as to communicate: "I'm strong. I can handle this myself. I don't need you and/or I don't need anyone for that matter." A lot of BS of mine; It's just so hard to be vulnerable and get rejected yet another time, as it hurts like hell.

Despite all I've said, I am improving, but for the life of me I still can't figure out how we're expected to trust untrustworthy people, or ask for something you need, perhaps just an ear or a hug, when everyone surrounding you is distressed themselves, hurt and fearful, and has no emot. support or nothing to offer. What I've just now said, comes right out of my past and is just one example of how my brain is trained to deny and ignore much while focusing on certain things, thereby me creating my own difficulties and lack of a support system. Because, if one's there in place now, I suspect and fear it won't be for long, as I go about refusing to be brutally honest, sabotaging my relationsh. and support syst., making excuses, and/or burning it all down with an onslaught of my PTSD, it's symptoms and the denial of it all which all to often has followed.

Pride, what on earth are we suppose to do with it!

[anthony]

Pride, what on earth are we suppose to do with it!
Thats the million dollar question, that only you can answer for yourself. Either acknowledge when pride gets in the way, and put it aside, or leave it where it is and accept it, as atleast your not in denial off it that way.

[goingonhope]

You feel highly emotional from the sadness that surrounds your support systems in life.
Oh, I would say so! Something I overlooked remarking upon the last time I wrote is my stored, excessive negative emotions, as well as, my deep sadness that causes me dis-ease still in my present, and yet surrounding my past. Though much of it may lay in my subconscious, I'm almost daily having passing conscious thoughts and memories of it all.

There simply never was anyone, anywhere, at anytime available to support or help me in my past regardless of how very ill and/or seriously disturbed I was.

There was always that realization of HOPELESSNESS and those awful overwhelming obstacles that presented themselves in many forms and shapes, but always of the same size, ie. ENORMOUS, and next to impossible for me alone to comprehend, never mind get by.

Yuck! Just remembering, torments me and fills me with emotion.

The past (time-frame), that I'm speaking of, my illness, symptoms, and non-existent support would disturb anyone. From age 12 up I mostly starved myself, chiefly bc this is what I did in fear, and partly bc there was little to no food in the house. When I did eat I would steal monies and binge on chiefly sweets (enourmous f'n amounts), and sometimes on high carb. foods. I use to bring cans of frosting to school and scrape that container clean and feel deathly ill afterwards. If loaf of bread or lasagne was cooked and left out, I eat the whole loaf and two-thirds of the lasagne, and then go vomit. In my wishful thinking and self-centeredness, I always hope some stranger would notice that I was working on my 2nd dozen of donuts, 9th brownie, 3rd jim-dandy or from the caf. at school 6th desert. No one every said anything other than in a few instances, to notice and encourage me in some words.

We use to have a dutch door that opened up to an 20ft. drop, and I had long since relied on vomiting in the bathroom or woods and then, having opened up the top half, was vomiting out that door 14 to 20 times a day, and it was all hitting the side of the house and piling up on the tanks below. Mother and family would see and watch and do nothing, only remark with insults and shameful words. Now was I most definately very sick? YES! Was I bad? No! But, I was certain I was, and that I should be in control of myself and just stop. This is one reason I never could figure out why they were so jealous and hateful toward me. It didn't and still doesn't make any sense to me.

I didn't know I had PTSD then, I didn't know it when I gouged out the eyes and crotch of the doll that I hung by its throat and legs out our window at age 7. I didn't know it when I'd hide and curl up in the dryer or corner of the basement at 6yrs. And, I didn't know it when I hid and avoided being seen or when, in sky-high anxiety, I'd refused to approach anyone to play, even utter a hello, or attempt to get to know others. I remember a time in my life when I'd say no more then what felt like 5 words a day. I'd want to but the words weren't there and the self-esteem non-existent. This was during a time in my life that my mothers boyfriend was fiercely, out-of-control, reaking chaos and trauma for my sisters, mother and I, and was regularly chasing me around the house and saying, "When you least expect it, expect it." And he'd carry through. I suppose if it weren't for finding alcohol at age 13, I may have committed suicide, shot him or myself. As that was an ongoing intrusive fantasy at this time. Considering the state of mind I was in at that time, I really don't have a clue as to why no one, other than me sought help for me.

I sought help, on many occassions, with both no insurance and than later state ins., but to no avail. I followed through on each possible hope for help, and one real obstacle or another prevented me getting help. Suppose that even one person, might suggested a way around these obstacles, but how could I randomly select and approach that one person, when my family had already convinced me that not a single one of them seemed to give a sh't, that I wasn't worth helping, deserved it all, and was nothing but a burden to time, energy, space and money.

It was things like the time my mother screamed, cussed and shamed me for pleading with her to help me find help. And, memory of my sister being degraded yrs. earlier ea. time she needed help, like having been raped by 2 guys and with disgust scolded and told she asked for it, while she sat sobbing. And this same sister, telling me over the phone from my hospital bed, after I had overdosed ended up in ICU, having almost died, that she and her husband had invited my other sister to participate in some f'ck'd up black magic ritual, that was suppose to have gotten rid of me, ....and that though she didn't get help in this, she and her hubby, went through with it and she felt it worked ....and she went on to say, but I didn't want it to kill you.....oh' but, it's worked before with so and so, and so and so.....'babble, babble' BS.

And, oh' how this just reached down inside of me and twisted everything and hurt.

I can't much go on any further tonight, as it's getting to be to much for me now. But, I will say, ABSOLUTELY, the extreme emot. pain and sadness, of once chronically having no support whatsoever is in fact, in the forefront of my subconscious, and is easily triggered, sometimes to a calm, depressive conciousness and other times more regularly triggered into outburst of nastiness, fits of anger, or even rage.

Do I need help? Yes! Am I seeking help? Yes! Am I finding help? Some. I'm finding more support them help, but I have begun to find help in these retreats, that I've found, and the supportive people I've met there. But, I'm still falling short in locating and finding the therapist I'm in need of. I've tried three therapists since, my therapist that officially diag. me with PTSD, was forced to resign. Two of the three, no doubt about it, were impostors. The other one, didn't except my ins. and charged so much I couldn't afford to continue seeing her. WTF - Just now remembering for the 1st time, I think, that I did seek help after P.B. the one that diag. PTSD, and provided Wonderful therapy for me for 2 1/2 yrs., 2x a wk. Oh' shi't ...just now remem. two addit. therpists I sought help from since P.B., for a total of 5. One told me how he once pinched an autistic boy while in internship, simply bc he could and get away with it. "Oh' sh't!" That may have been the last time I saw him. And, the other was a woman who I didn't trust nor continue with as I had gone on a whirl with the med's her collegue psych. and prescribed for me.

Ramblin now' and hurting now, as I remember.

One note to bring this all back to the present. I do have people in my life from the retreat ctr., that have invited me to call anytime, even just to say hi, or if I need help, and have invited me back, and have made this all affordable, as most retreats are way out of my financ. range, and cannot even ever be considered.

*going to post this without re-reading 1st or editing, hope I'm not making a mistake, but enough is enough for tonight.

[goingonhope]

You feel highly emotional from the sadness that surrounds your support systems in life. You show good support systems are currently present, though you demonstrate a low self esteem.
I'd like to look at this now, in the present, and in relationsh. with my husb.

There is no doubt that he provides, in many ways great support for our family and I. I don't think he has a lazy bone in his body. Upon awakening at 5am, he's off to work caretaking for MR clients, in a home setting. He honors these people and cares for them, all day & 5 days a wk, as one would a child. He's gifted and skilled in his line of work and he far exceeds what is expected of him.

Upon arriving home he's lucky if he gets any time for himself prior to beginn. dinner. He cooks dinner every night now. He has and for quite sometime now, gone through most of the bedtime process with our children, teeth brushing, reading and saying goodnight every night he is home. On weekends he cooks a nice breakfast for us. On his days off he brings the kids to school and picks them up. Twice a week he brings my son to his karate class. He hasn't hesitated to run errands. He does much laundry, fixes everything around the house and takes care of the cars.

I've been noticing lately how my PTSD and slacking is disrupting our family. Have been wondering why am I not taking more responsib. In fact, I've been making myself unreliable and untrustworthy and then feeling resentful toward him for losing trust in me.

Besides the most obvious answers being that I do have some developm. issues, directly resulting from yrs. of untreated PTSD and it's secondary illnesses, ie. eating disorder (still to this day, though not the same form, or comparitable to prior days), .......and alcoholism (now almost 10yrs. since my last drink). Also, I live in a constant state of general. anxiety. And, I don't think 1 25mg. librium every few, but genrally several mo. apart is going to help relieve the anxiety any. Another words, help make me more functionable.

And without any medicine, it's as if I know two states: a driven, compulsive state of non-stop functioning which does not include eating meals and rest ........And, a state of lethargy, with it's mix of fantasy.

My goal is to gain control and discipline over my emotions and will, able to choose in the moment and not feeling like a hostage to my state of mind, unable to decide for myself. And, my goal is to regain the will to live, accepting my PTSD as permanent and it's symptoms as temporary. While armed with the real knowledge that PTSD is not a moral issue. Another words I don't have this devastating illness bc I am inherently bad, rotten, evil, deserving of this crap, or even that my family is deserving of it.

That in itself makes this feel very unacceptable to me and tragic, bc regardless of whether we may be good people, the traumas takes time to heal, and family hurt and sometimes will suffer as we heal. And, not necessarily from what we're doing, but perhaps from what we're not doing. So, my conviction is, that with PTSD, everyone surrounding the sufferer suffers, to some extent too. And, the more these people love us, the more they're going to suffer. PTSD just is, and I'm not bad bc I have it. (This is being said, bc I'm just now coming to believe it and need to get this truth through and into my own head.) Nor, is my husband, bad bc sometimes he is just plain f'n fed up with the burden of it, upon our family.

My husb. has his own problems and his could potentially or seriously threaten our family too. His problems are as legitimate as mine. Do I get fed up with his when he breaks out into a rash of ........., you bet I do. Am I being supportive of him when he's like this. Generally No! Do I have my reasoning too why his problems and needs make him an a'sshole in my eyes, at times, and mine don't make me anything of the sort. Absolutely ! and it's faulty.

I'm slowly, through much pain, learning a lot of humility in our marriage, and I certainly hope he does too.

Why do I expect my husband to listen to my vents and rants, my long winded stories of days past? Why? Well, perhaps bc I haven't felt the real need for, (pride) nor trust in a much needed therapist. And, why bc I don't take good supportive suggestions offered me and share my distress, persistently, a little at a time, with others who are willing to help. I always look for those that are unavailable or unwilling to help, and deny, while refusing to acknowledge that there are people right there in front of me willing and wanting to help. (current faulty belief system)

And, why might I suddenly get so f'n pissed off with him when he simply can't absorb all my talk? Simply bc, I'm expecting too much of him, being selfish and full of pride.

I (not him), have a lot of initiative and work ahead for me. This is primarily my responsib., to own my feelings, heal from my trauma(s), and learn to manage and cope with my PTSD. And, when I 'let go' and do this for real, in all its whole, that's when I'll see that his current great support,......and yes even some emot. support, is and has always been right here for me and with our family.

A simple realization for me tonight is that I did, now and then, reach points in my life where I desperately wanted someone to rescue me, to take care of me and provide for me, even to love me unconditionally as one might imagine or hope that a father would love their daughter........I've reached those points of fantasy before and it never happened, like I fantasized. And, here I am married, to a man that I truly love, pushing, now and again, and trying to with might, force my fantasy into our marriage. And, feeling frustrated and angry when it doesn't suit.

[goingonhope]

And, I feel ashamed for having what I judge as serious personality flaws and defects in thinking. And for making mistakes.
Suffering and struggling a great deal today. My emotional state has taken a quick downward turn. My thinking though it's been positive and my attitude has been good through much facing and owning my past trauma's, feels self-destructive now.

I hold high standards for myself, even still standards of perfection. Perfection does not leave room for error or mistake. One of the ways I still, to this day, determine what is my error or mistake is through the eyes and perspective of others. Though I hold my own approach to things and convictions, I all too often abandon them to the approaches and/or limited and restricted vision of others. It's as though I suffer spells of feeling I have no rights to think and feel as I do.

So as has been said, despite much growth and progress, I suffer extremely low self-esteem at times, this day be one of them. This all comes in waves, and is rooted in my many fears.

One of the ways I've allowed myself to be abused in the past (my twenties) is by given away too much power and credit to the restricted, fearful, obsessive, untrusting, negative, "Me first", and egotistical voices of others. The best and simplified definition I hold of ego states: "I know what's best for you and for me, ha ha." I've never done well in collision with the ego's of others, bc I've often believed their 'point of knowledge' suffered a great deal of further insight. This has only proven itself true too, as time has passed, and only validated for me that most people, filled with assumptions and many ill-intentioned are less then helpful at times. With some they seem to make this a practice or art form.

So therefore, I have trusted very few people throughout my thirties, and it has paid off with huge benefits for me. Truly with huge benefits, bc up until then the folk that I found myself associating with, well they all thought they had instant knowledge of my motives, insight as to who I was as a person and had placed generally too high, but sometimes too low of expectations upon me. They all wanted me to live up to these in order to belong, and I never could, bc quite frankly they were never based in reality, but rather assumptions made of what my reality should be.

In the early part of my twenties, I with deliberate willingness walked into a homeless situation, and one that would last a long time, all in order to get away from the abuse and these passive-aggressive and aggressives, know 'it' all voices that would've liked to have buried me alive, with their insecurites. As, if I didn't already have enough of my own they'd dump their insult and hostilities upon me and all stemming from their fears, inadequacies, rivalries, jealousies, indifference and/or hatred. They never once sought to see if they could help, only had chosen to critisize and reject and expect me to walk away with more of their baggage. When I would truly assert myself, I was told time and again, that I was wrong in doing so and receive a threat of beating or that of being ostracized from the family, and/or beating. The scape-goating and ostracization occurred too and for far too long in my elem. yrs., and later teens.

I suppose my sisters expressed 'sense of accomplishment' after almost successfully beating me to death at 19 while some of my family stood still, circling around in approval, and other's actively engaged in it, cheering and ranting, "Good job" ....and my mother's words while 4" away from my face, "You f'kin deserve every bit of it," still haunt me to this day and motivate my decisions. And, this is likewise with being rejected and banished from the only family I ever knew and once loved deeply. Were they imperfect and IN NEED OF MUCH HELP? Absolutely! Did any of them ever identify this and attempt to do anything about it? None then and little whatsoever eversince, with the exception of one sister certainly suffering from PTSD. Was I going at it time and again trying to seek help, that I, A) often didn't know how or where to obtain and B) would only be told that we don't accept that insurance and sent away, Yes I was actively Always trying to seek help since as far back as I can remember. All with seeking and asking for help discouraged as taboo? Most definately bc then truth, hope and success would've been revealed, and family would have no part of this.

I didn't go into just how I surrendered to the will of others, and duped myself into believing throughout my twenties that I had little to no rights, nor could I think clearly enough to do so now.

Again, today I've crashed and have hit bottom with trusting anyone and even the will to go on. Logically I can't figure out why I should bother anymore.

I don't take daily prescription meds of any kind, however I do have a prescribed PRN for when absolutely needed, to prevent hospitalization. I've taken two of these today for the first time in perhaps months and I'm just as much insecure and ashamed of this, as anything else.

Today's emotional state is complicated to by a E,N & Throat infection that I've come down with, as well as many sudden pains throughout my body, which quite frankly frightens me with fears that I've cancer. If this were to be true then what better news to send back my families way, they love this kind of stuff.

[goingonhope]

....positive affirmations :thumbs-up really seem to work and help alot. The obstacle :wall: for me, was getting past my pre-conceived ideas about its practice for me. Which I think I've done. How silly this is, bc I've always believed in it for others. When relating to me however, I had rejected the idea, just knowing it would feel awkward and also thinking it couldn't work for me. Turns out it was nothing more than my faulty thinking, ie. 'contempt prior to investigation', fear and ego.
......

Suffering and struggling a great deal today. My emotional state has taken a quick downward turn. My thinking though it's been positive and my attitude has been good through much facing and owning my past trauma's, feels self-destructive now.

I'll face it ...I was triggered :crazy:the other night, but already feeling far better despite my bad cold and cough. Even yest. I accomplished a lot and felt good about this. My emotional state has basically taken a quick upward turn. My self-destructive thoughts are passing.

This emotional roller coaster ride though is for the birds.

:smile: Just thought I'd share something here that has meant a great deal to me:

"The Burden of Freedom"

I stand at the Stairway . . .
my back to the Dungeon

The Doorway to Freedom
so close to my hand . . .

Voices behind me
still bitterly damn me

For seeking Salvation
they don't understand.

Lord, help me to shoulder
the burden of Freedom,

And give me the courage
to be what I AM . . .

And when I am wounded
by those who condemn me

Please help me forgive them . . .
they don't understand.

. . .Kris Kristofferson